In the month where love, romance and relationships are celebrated by many worldwide, I have been bouncing through on a high having had a breakthrough in self-love and acceptance.
Needing to fulfill oneself rather than unresourcefully seeking fulfillment from external sources – whether they are things or people – is something I have been aware of for some time but never really been able to truthfully practice. In writing about things I had recently read regarding owning your experience – creating your life rather than giving up your power and allowing it to happen to you, something clicked in my therapy session this week.
Whilst I am conscious that I still have much healing to do from past trauma and experiences that affect the way I experience and filter things in the present, I finally feel like I am getting somewhere on loving and accepting myself.
I have always naturally filtered things through fear and, to a degree, self-loathing. Experiencing things from this perspective meant things like – if someone doesn’t want to do something with me or for me; if someone thinks my view is irrelevant or incorrect; if someone appears to not like me – it was because of me, not because of them.
I also experienced things from a place of fear out of a learned need for self protection, out of being brought up with so much trauma.
Because I have not loved myself unconditionally, I have not put myself first. I have not asked for things. I have not valued my own opinion.
Adding to that having silent expectations (instead of asking for things) and when expectations aren’t met they cause upset, which then often seemingly validate my negative self beliefs.
And then there is other people’s shit. I feel like I’ve really had a breakthrough on being present to the fact that everyone filters experiences and situations according to what is going on for them or what has happened to them in the past, just in the same way I have. If I perceive someone to be upset with me, it really has nothing to do with me.
I love this campaign I recently came across #LoveStartsWithMe….because if you cannot fulfill yourself, how can you expect others to?
With this in mind, I plan to honour myself more, to ask myself what I want – whether it sits right with me. If I don’t feel like I know the answer to something straight away, then that’s okay too, I trust that the answer will come to me when I take time to practice self-care and self-love.