Up shit creek….

A conversation* with TheMaster

Master: So now that you have had some air from yesterday, wish to care or just forget?

Magenta: Care or forget?

Master: Yesterday.  It seemed to be a mofo of a day.

Magenta: Well, in my case I have to accept/acknowledge and push through.   Mofo of a day for you?

Master: I have had better days….but no, my reference was about your day you dork.  Showing a caring concerned side.

Magenta: I know doofus.  Sir doofus.  I answered lol.

Master: Captain Doofus. Lol

Magenta: Captain? Lol why captain now?

Master: Just sounds funnier

Magenta: Lol that it does.  Unfortunately a bit FML at the moment.

Master: I’m sorry to hear that.

Magenta: Thank you 😘

Master: Guess we are both in the same boat. Let’s go for a row shall we. Lol

Magenta: Same same but different lol. A row sounds good – wanna swap for a bit lol?

Master: Well, I’ll take my boat, you take yours, let’s meet at the island way over there and fuck our concerns away.

Magenta: Mmmmmmm yes please.  I think things would be infinitely better.

Master: ✅✅✅

 

*Yes I am messaging with him again but I’m also conscious of being aware of how it affects my presence.

This

Magenta, the root of every “evil” is looking to time and space for meaning, solutions, or identity; for friends, love, and laughter; for wealth, health, and harmony. 

The source of all material things is spirit, which is molded by your thoughts and then, without judgment, impressed upon matter before your very eyes. Trying to get what you want by looking to time and space is like trying to change your reflection in the mirror without changing yourself. 

Instead, look within. Create images with your thoughts of your desired end results. 

Tallyho, 
    The Universe

 

Clarity from presence

After being chided by a friend recently for being in contact with TheMaster whilst undertaking therapy in pursuit of improving my marriage, together with my new-found enlightenment in presence and self-love, I decided to take a break from messaging TheMaster.

Being on day 4 of no contact, I’m feeling much clearer and lighter – it was most definitely affecting my presence and my thoughts.

I recognise that whilst he had told me my messaging didn’t bother him at all and that he didn’t want me to ‘go away’, it was greatly detracting from me being present.  By not being present, this heightened my tendencies toward anxiety and negative emotions.

I have enjoyed feeling more able to journal, something which I have struggled to do – which I put down to lacking presence.  Out of journalling, I am feeling a lot calmer and more in tune with the situation more objectively rather than getting swept up in day dreams and frivolous thoughts.

Looking at things more objectively has certainly given me a new perspective, as has giving myself more self-love, respect and owning what I am feeling rather than allowing my feelings to be triggered by the actions of others. I feel like I’m seeing my current circumstances with TheMaster a lot clearer, in my objective state, than I was when being subjective – and I’m enjoying the peace that this brings.

#LoveStartsWithMe

image

via instagram

In the month where love, romance and relationships are celebrated by many worldwide, I have been bouncing through on a high having had a breakthrough in self-love and acceptance.

Needing to fulfill oneself rather than unresourcefully seeking fulfillment from external sources – whether they are things or people – is something I have been aware of for some time but never really been able to truthfully practice. In writing about things I had recently read regarding owning your experience – creating your life rather than giving up your power and allowing it to happen to you, something clicked in my therapy session this week.

Whilst I am conscious that I still have much healing to do from past trauma and experiences that affect the way I experience and filter things in the present, I finally feel like I am getting somewhere on loving and accepting myself.

I have always naturally filtered things through fear and, to a degree, self-loathing. Experiencing things from this perspective meant things like – if someone doesn’t want to do something with me or for me; if someone thinks my view is irrelevant or incorrect; if someone appears to not like me – it was because of me, not because of them.

I also experienced things from a place of fear out of a learned need for self protection, out of being brought up with so much trauma.

Because I have not loved myself unconditionally, I have not put myself first. I have not asked for things. I have not valued my own opinion.

Adding to that having silent expectations (instead of asking for things) and when expectations aren’t met they cause upset, which then often seemingly validate my negative self beliefs.

And then there is other people’s shit. I feel like I’ve really had a breakthrough on being present to the fact that everyone filters experiences and situations according to what is going on for them or what has happened to them in the past, just in the same way I have. If I perceive someone to be upset with me, it really has nothing to do with me.

I love this campaign I recently came across #LoveStartsWithMe….because if you cannot fulfill yourself, how can you expect others to?

With this in mind, I plan to honour myself more, to ask myself what I want – whether it sits right with me.  If I don’t feel like I know the answer to something straight away, then that’s okay too, I trust that the answer will come to me when I take time to practice self-care and self-love.

Burn bright x

fb_img_1487494999626

Whilst I’ve always known that I was fierce, strong and full of fire…..feisty I often called it 😉  my fears overshadowed many things for the most part. I know that I have much to work on still, but I feel like I’m finally breaking off the shackles so to speak….and it’s starting to show!

I’m grateful to have come across so many incredible people here who are definitely aiding my journey.

Here’s to having passion that burns brighter than our fears.

Desire and conflicts

I am certain that I do love my husband and that, after another great session with the therapist I have been seeing, I feel that I will be able to work through this and be able to create a more fulfilling relationship with hubby. Perhaps that feeling will change, once I begin voicing my needs to hubby, but I’m confident he won’t want to let us go once he realises that such an outcome is a possibility.

But in this moment, right now, I cannot shake my yearning for TheMaster. At this point in time, it’s likely to be several more weeks before we see each other in person (after having not seen each other since The Over Nighter).

Today, right now, I would love nothing more than to be in his presence. To touch him. To kiss him. To wrap myself around him and be wrapped in him. I hunger for him to be inside of me. To pleasure him with my mouth. To be fucked by him.  To be lavished with his affection.  All of this lust and desire, that I am sure we share, would explode in the most incredible fuck-fest.

But I would also love to hang out with him and enjoy his company, as he has expressed enjoying my company too. And herein the conflict lies……breaking many Manifesto rules.  That said, in practicing my new-found presence, I will stay in the moment and not think of all the possibilities that could eventuate…..as I have ruminated on in the past.

My fucking day dream (literally, haha!) is quite delicious, though.

 

Perspectives and presence

“People grow when they are loved well. If you want to help others heal, love them without an agenda.” ~ Mike Mchargue

We can’t love someone under the guise of hoping they will change someday and become the person we really want them to be.

 To love means to accept someone as they are, in their entirety, in this moment. Not just accept, but actually revel in who they are—including those parts that make us squirm because of what they might trigger within our own selves.

Yet so many of us have gotten into relationships with the hope and expectation that the person we are with will stop – or begin -doing certain things.

The reality is: this isn’t love.

[excerpt from Kate Rose]

I came across this writer recently and so much of her writing really resonates with me, not just in this piece but other pieces she has written as well.This piece in particular, however, made me wonder if this was true of me and how I love my husband?

Sure there is much of him that I accept and love whole-heartedly; but there is also much that I only half-heartedly accepted when I first chose him, under the guise of hoping such traits and habits would change. These are things that I still view in the same way.Does the way that I love him, or not love him, affect how he loves me and shows his affection?  If I showed him true unconditional love and acceptance, would his love show up differently to me?

If I take how husband is with our cat, as an example.  One may say that cats are fickle, but pets in general show unconditional love.  He gives affection freely to cat, perhaps because cat doesn’t love him any less when he’s tired or grumpy. Or when he is less affectionate on one day compared to another. Or when he doesn’t tidy up.  He lavishes attention on her periodically and when he doesn’t, sure she may paw at him a little, but she doesn’t love him any less when he doesn’t give his affection than when he does.

I also know, that my experience of husband is how I interpret him. Everyone colours their experiences differently – if you and I both saw the exact same movie or concert, in the exact same location on the exact same day, my experience of it would be vastly different to yours – based on how we see things and what past experiences affect how we interpret the present.In considering this, is the way that I see husband making him show up exactly as I expect him to be?  Are all the negatives that I taint him with in my mind making him step down to that perception?

Isn’t it true that when someone sees something positive in you, that this trait magnifies and becomes more positive?  That if you think someone is untrustworthy or incapable of doing something, that they will continue to show up in this way to you?

Consider also the philosophy of ‘faking it til you make it’.  When you do something repeatedly, as if you have already mastered it, don’t you keep getting better at the ‘faking’, which in turn becomes reality much faster? Because you have altered your perception, you also alter your reality.

I read something else recently that also resonated with me, “When I’m living in expectation, I’m not present since expectations always live in the future, in what hasn’t happened yet……..When someone does what I expected, then I expect it again in the future.  When the day comes that my expectations are not fulfilled, then I am upset…….I am afraid to ask for what I desire, so I silently expect it, hoping it will happen.  When my expectation is fulfilled, I am happy.  When it isn’t, I am upset.  Neither experience is powerful, for I am teaching myself that happiness and satisfaction lies “out there,” in the results or circumstances of life.  Real power is found by realising that whatever experience I am having, I am the one creating it……In having expectations, there is no room for the miraculous or the extraordinary to show up, only for my expectation to be fulfilled or not”.

So, with all of this in mind……what if;
…..if I were to practice more presence?
…..if I were to look for all of the positives and acknowledge husband’s greatness, know that it is there?
…..if I showed him true unconditional love – because in the moments that he is grumpy or tired it’s more about him than it is about me;

…..if I practice asking for what I want rather than expecting it – and having less expectations.

What then would my experience of husband be? What would my experience of life be? What would my experience of myself be?

Questions

“The quality of your life depends on the quality of the questions you ask yourself on a daily basis”

I have told a couple of friends about Magenta recently.

Although I did originally intend to keep this part of my life completely secret, when I first realised I had some serious questions over what I wanted my life to be……I found myself needing to ponder things out loud.  I’m grateful to have a couple of good friends who also enjoy discussing things in the personal growth space, who I didn’t think would be too burdened by my revelation despite my initial reservations.

One discussion lead to me meeting this wonderful woman I’ve started working with (I actually saw someone who was not my cup of tea a few days before meeting her, so I undoubtedly know she was a great find).  The first friend I told encouraged seeking relationship counseling, as she had been to a single session with her partner that they both found invaluable even as a one-off.  Whilst couples therapy is something I have thought about several times, and I would like to do with hubby at some stage, I wanted to work on being able to communicate better first as I think that will make couples therapy much more fruitful. After telling my second friend, she suggested seeing someone solo to explore my questions on what I want in life.

In separate musings with both friends, they both echoed thoughts along the lines of….whatever I chose to do, whatever eventuates out of this self-discovery…. I would survive and find new things to replace whatever I would lose from my current life. Whilst we have no children, I have several relationships out of my relationship with husband, that I absolutely adore and I cannot imagine not having these people in my life.  If I were no longer with husband, I would definitely lose most of those relationships which I cherish dearly, which would be devastating for sure.

I spoke to this second friend recently, who challenged me on what I want.  What do I want for me?  For my life? How do I fulfill myself?  This friend is very much a believer in fulfilling oneself, in order to have a truly fulfilling and intimate relationship – which I completely agree with. How can you love another without loving yourself?

I have improved in leaps and bounds on loving and accepting myself in recent years, but I’m aware of needing to do much more and that it’s not a fast process.

So with all of this, and the quote at the top of this post, in mind; I’d like to explore some quality questions over the coming posts.  I’d love to explore how others find answers in honouring their true selves and I look forward to anything anyone wishes to contribute.

 

 

On TheMaster

I wanted to get some clarity, out loud, on how I feel about TheMaster…..I offered to clarify to him after he queried me about my recent post (yes, he’s read a couple of bits of this blog…..no, I don’t think it will change the way I write or what I write about) but he said it wasn’t necessary. I thought I’d clarify for my own benefit anyway.

TheMaster said “You have mentioned that I had stirred something up inside of you (I may be full of shit here and my ego has digested it incorrectly) but, assuming I had taken it correctly – this can be referenced to those feelings. You are drawn to me, but wary of being burnt. But I think I read too much into it”.

I definitely wrote that piece as he had interpreted – but wary of not just me being burnt but him getting burnt too. And also our respective spouses.  Having said that, I feel that the way we both are….I don’t think we will burn each other. I think we both have the ability to see things from a wider perspective even if we initially view things from a perspective of fear or something else.

So, here goes……

.
Out of the 3 others I have met more than once, since discovering this world, there is no one else comparable to you. Sure they’re all nice guys, all have differing positive aspects but you…..you are one in a million.

Yes of course you have the best cock but that is because of you – not because of it. One may have thought the GreekGod had a great cock (sure, massive) but nope, douchey owner, douchey cock – hence he was a regrettable one-off.

You are thoughtful and respectful on a level that I haven’t experienced before, unfortunate but true.

You speak my language on many different levels.

I like your manner.
I like the way you do things.

Perhaps my incorrect interpretation, but you seem to be more respectful than I am in many ways. i.e. I don’t believe you have spoken negatively or whinged about ‘home’ like I have of my home life.

I like the way you kiss me, no one else makes me feel devoured and delicious as you do.

The way you so generously pamper makes me feel forever in your debt, I hope that someone makes you feel as pampered – as you so deserve.

I feel safe & respected & taken care of, with you.
I feel wanted & appreciated & worshiped.

I’m sure these things you do are part of who you are, how you like to be – not how you are just with me. I’ve always thought that from the start – I believe I’ve said several times, every woman needs to experience a man like TheMaster….such a magical experience. It’s what makes me wonder what sort of goddess you have at home….to have been chosen by you, she must be a very special woman.

Many may say that you are an arsehole for being unfaithful and that she deserves better than you. Perhaps there is some truth there, but I choose to see something else. As Kim Knot Yett mentioned in a comment, perhaps it is too much to expect just one person to be able to fulfill all of our needs. Like me, and others in similar positions, you have needs that aren’t being met no matter how much you try.

A person whose needs are fulfilled….who knows the importance of “putting something in each bucket” – by this I mean someone who is doing things that are in line with their values, on a regular basis, is an infinitely better person. Isn’t that what we need more of in the world? People who are fulfilled, happy and, in turn, able to be their best self?

But……maybe you just ‘can’t keep it in your pants’. Maybe I am a slut. Before discovering this world, my spirit has been slowly dying. No matter how much ability I had in sustaining myself, in loving myself, my most intimate relationship doesn’t project that of me.

The fact that my husband doesn’t show his appreciation the way that you, and others who I have played with do, makes me question why he doesn’t? It validates my ingrained self-loathing from childhood that I am not enough, not worthy – but that is my perception and I am sure he would be horrified to know that’s how he makes me feel a lot of the time.

The level of magic you weave makes me question what you like about me. I have never been chosen to be so lavished upon before. I’ve always thought you could have any woman you wanted – any woman would be a fool not to choose you. Before learning that the player’s world is a lot harder for men, I assumed you had several playmates. I’ve learned though, that it’s not an easy thing for a man in the player’s world – maybe beggars can’t be choosers in a sense. But am I a choice? Again, such questions of mine are my issue – going back to the self-loathing I held for such a long time.

And then there’s our random synchronicity…..playing a song you like without knowing, mentioning something else you like uncannily. Indicators of vibrating on the same frequency? Do our souls speak to each other? Have we known each other in a past life?

I like your perspectives on things and what I have seen of how you think.
I like how you respectfully question and make me think, consider things differently.
I like that you share knowledge and educate in a way that doesn’t make me feel silly or dumb.

And no one else makes me feel as high on life. Well, no one who I have been intimate with.

I feel like we could rule the world, through combined strengths, if we ever wanted to. Perhaps I could rule the world myself off of the high you give me, but I think I would be too distracted chasing said high, haha! This high makes me want to give you so much – give you the world. To stab a nigger for you if ever needed (to quote that hilarious YouTube clip). But at the same time, there is still much I love about my husband that I don’t want to lose. So I am not saying I want to abandon or give up on my marriage at this point in time. And I am certainly not asking you to abandon yours.

All of what I state here – I’m not saying out of expectation or any need for reciprocation because no two people are the same and therefore you can’t expect a mirrored view from anyone.

Sure it tortures me at times, I ache, I yearn, I crave. But it also makes me ask questions of myself – wanting to know me better, to love myself more, accept myself more and be a better person.

I like seeing myself in a different light, what you project of seeing me – if you are in fact being authentic – which I do believe you are. I’m sorry to question your authenticity but it’s not out of me judging your character but out of me protecting myself and having fear.

Fear is what I have known and lived with for so long, it has been a natural constant for me. Similar fears are quite natural for everyone, I believe. Fear of failure, fear of judgement, fear of rejection, fear of not being enough. But I also know that a life lived in fear is a life half-lived.

I strive to learn to dance with fear. To look it in the eye. A quote I love is, “Fear, uncertainty and discomfort are your compasses towards growth”.

So yes, whilst the range of feelings I have and experience do evoke fear, uncertainty and discomfort, I am grateful for the self development this has triggered.