A conversation* with TheMaster
Master: So now that you have had some air from yesterday, wish to care or just forget?
Magenta: Care or forget?
Master: Yesterday. It seemed to be a mofo of a day.
Magenta: Well, in my case I have to accept/acknowledge and push through. Mofo of a day for you?
Master: I have had better days….but no, my reference was about your day you dork. Showing a caring concerned side.
Magenta: I know doofus. Sir doofus. I answered lol.
Master: Captain Doofus. Lol
Magenta: Captain? Lol why captain now?
Master: Just sounds funnier
Magenta: Lol that it does. Unfortunately a bit FML at the moment.
Master: I’m sorry to hear that.
Magenta: Thank you 😘
Master: Guess we are both in the same boat. Let’s go for a row shall we. Lol
Magenta: Same same but different lol. A row sounds good – wanna swap for a bit lol?
Master: Well, I’ll take my boat, you take yours, let’s meet at the island way over there and fuck our concerns away.
Magenta: Mmmmmmm yes please. I think things would be infinitely better.
*Yes I am messaging with him again but I’m also conscious of being aware of how it affects my presence.
After being chided by a friend recently for being in contact with TheMaster whilst undertaking therapy in pursuit of improving my marriage, together with my new-found enlightenment in presence and self-love, I decided to take a break from messaging TheMaster.
Being on day 4 of no contact, I’m feeling much clearer and lighter – it was most definitely affecting my presence and my thoughts.
I recognise that whilst he had told me my messaging didn’t bother him at all and that he didn’t want me to ‘go away’, it was greatly detracting from me being present. By not being present, this heightened my tendencies toward anxiety and negative emotions.
I have enjoyed feeling more able to journal, something which I have struggled to do – which I put down to lacking presence. Out of journalling, I am feeling a lot calmer and more in tune with the situation more objectively rather than getting swept up in day dreams and frivolous thoughts.
Looking at things more objectively has certainly given me a new perspective, as has giving myself more self-love, respect and owning what I am feeling rather than allowing my feelings to be triggered by the actions of others. I feel like I’m seeing my current circumstances with TheMaster a lot clearer, in my objective state, than I was when being subjective – and I’m enjoying the peace that this brings.
In the month where love, romance and relationships are celebrated by many worldwide, I have been bouncing through on a high having had a breakthrough in self-love and acceptance.
Needing to fulfill oneself rather than unresourcefully seeking fulfillment from external sources – whether they are things or people – is something I have been aware of for some time but never really been able to truthfully practice. In writing about things I had recently read regarding owning your experience – creating your life rather than giving up your power and allowing it to happen to you, something clicked in my therapy session this week.
Whilst I am conscious that I still have much healing to do from past trauma and experiences that affect the way I experience and filter things in the present, I finally feel like I am getting somewhere on loving and accepting myself.
I have always naturally filtered things through fear and, to a degree, self-loathing. Experiencing things from this perspective meant things like – if someone doesn’t want to do something with me or for me; if someone thinks my view is irrelevant or incorrect; if someone appears to not like me – it was because of me, not because of them.
I also experienced things from a place of fear out of a learned need for self protection, out of being brought up with so much trauma.
Because I have not loved myself unconditionally, I have not put myself first. I have not asked for things. I have not valued my own opinion.
Adding to that having silent expectations (instead of asking for things) and when expectations aren’t met they cause upset, which then often seemingly validate my negative self beliefs.
And then there is other people’s shit. I feel like I’ve really had a breakthrough on being present to the fact that everyone filters experiences and situations according to what is going on for them or what has happened to them in the past, just in the same way I have. If I perceive someone to be upset with me, it really has nothing to do with me.
I love this campaign I recently came across #LoveStartsWithMe….because if you cannot fulfill yourself, how can you expect others to?
With this in mind, I plan to honour myself more, to ask myself what I want – whether it sits right with me. If I don’t feel like I know the answer to something straight away, then that’s okay too, I trust that the answer will come to me when I take time to practice self-care and self-love.
Whilst I’ve always known that I was fierce, strong and full of fire…..feisty I often called it 😉 my fears overshadowed many things for the most part. I know that I have much to work on still, but I feel like I’m finally breaking off the shackles so to speak….and it’s starting to show!
I’m grateful to have come across so many incredible people here who are definitely aiding my journey.
Here’s to having passion that burns brighter than our fears.
…..after posting yesterday, on my way home, my Pandora thumbprint radio station played these tracks, one after the other. The universe speaking or coincidence?
I am certain that I do love my husband and that, after another great session with the therapist I have been seeing, I feel that I will be able to work through this and be able to create a more fulfilling relationship with hubby. Perhaps that feeling will change, once I begin voicing my needs to hubby, but I’m confident he won’t want to let us go once he realises that such an outcome is a possibility.
But in this moment, right now, I cannot shake my yearning for TheMaster. At this point in time, it’s likely to be several more weeks before we see each other in person (after having not seen each other since The Over Nighter).
Today, right now, I would love nothing more than to be in his presence. To touch him. To kiss him. To wrap myself around him and be wrapped in him. I hunger for him to be inside of me. To pleasure him with my mouth. To be fucked by him. To be lavished with his affection. All of this lust and desire, that I am sure we share, would explode in the most incredible fuck-fest.
But I would also love to hang out with him and enjoy his company, as he has expressed enjoying my company too. And herein the conflict lies……breaking many Manifesto rules. That said, in practicing my new-found presence, I will stay in the moment and not think of all the possibilities that could eventuate…..as I have ruminated on in the past.
My fucking day dream (literally, haha!) is quite delicious, though.