I wanted to get some clarity, out loud, on how I feel about TheMaster…..I offered to clarify to him after he queried me about my recent post (yes, he’s read a couple of bits of this blog…..no, I don’t think it will change the way I write or what I write about) but he said it wasn’t necessary. I thought I’d clarify for my own benefit anyway.
TheMaster said “You have mentioned that I had stirred something up inside of you (I may be full of shit here and my ego has digested it incorrectly) but, assuming I had taken it correctly – this can be referenced to those feelings. You are drawn to me, but wary of being burnt. But I think I read too much into it”.
I definitely wrote that piece as he had interpreted – but wary of not just me being burnt but him getting burnt too. And also our respective spouses. Having said that, I feel that the way we both are….I don’t think we will burn each other. I think we both have the ability to see things from a wider perspective even if we initially view things from a perspective of fear or something else.
So, here goes……
Out of the 3 others I have met more than once, since discovering this world, there is no one else comparable to you. Sure they’re all nice guys, all have differing positive aspects but you…..you are one in a million.
Yes of course you have the best cock but that is because of you – not because of it. One may have thought the GreekGod had a great cock (sure, massive) but nope, douchey owner, douchey cock – hence he was a regrettable one-off.
You are thoughtful and respectful on a level that I haven’t experienced before, unfortunate but true.
You speak my language on many different levels.
I like your manner.
I like the way you do things.
Perhaps my incorrect interpretation, but you seem to be more respectful than I am in many ways. i.e. I don’t believe you have spoken negatively or whinged about ‘home’ like I have of my home life.
I like the way you kiss me, no one else makes me feel devoured and delicious as you do.
The way you so generously pamper makes me feel forever in your debt, I hope that someone makes you feel as pampered – as you so deserve.
I feel safe & respected & taken care of, with you.
I feel wanted & appreciated & worshiped.
I’m sure these things you do are part of who you are, how you like to be – not how you are just with me. I’ve always thought that from the start – I believe I’ve said several times, every woman needs to experience a man like TheMaster….such a magical experience. It’s what makes me wonder what sort of goddess you have at home….to have been chosen by you, she must be a very special woman.
Many may say that you are an arsehole for being unfaithful and that she deserves better than you. Perhaps there is some truth there, but I choose to see something else. As Kim Knot Yett mentioned in a comment, perhaps it is too much to expect just one person to be able to fulfill all of our needs. Like me, and others in similar positions, you have needs that aren’t being met no matter how much you try.
A person whose needs are fulfilled….who knows the importance of “putting something in each bucket” – by this I mean someone who is doing things that are in line with their values, on a regular basis, is an infinitely better person. Isn’t that what we need more of in the world? People who are fulfilled, happy and, in turn, able to be their best self?
But……maybe you just ‘can’t keep it in your pants’. Maybe I am a slut. Before discovering this world, my spirit has been slowly dying. No matter how much ability I had in sustaining myself, in loving myself, my most intimate relationship doesn’t project that of me.
The fact that my husband doesn’t show his appreciation the way that you, and others who I have played with do, makes me question why he doesn’t? It validates my ingrained self-loathing from childhood that I am not enough, not worthy – but that is my perception and I am sure he would be horrified to know that’s how he makes me feel a lot of the time.
The level of magic you weave makes me question what you like about me. I have never been chosen to be so lavished upon before. I’ve always thought you could have any woman you wanted – any woman would be a fool not to choose you. Before learning that the player’s world is a lot harder for men, I assumed you had several playmates. I’ve learned though, that it’s not an easy thing for a man in the player’s world – maybe beggars can’t be choosers in a sense. But am I a choice? Again, such questions of mine are my issue – going back to the self-loathing I held for such a long time.
And then there’s our random synchronicity…..playing a song you like without knowing, mentioning something else you like uncannily. Indicators of vibrating on the same frequency? Do our souls speak to each other? Have we known each other in a past life?
I like your perspectives on things and what I have seen of how you think.
I like how you respectfully question and make me think, consider things differently.
I like that you share knowledge and educate in a way that doesn’t make me feel silly or dumb.
And no one else makes me feel as high on life. Well, no one who I have been intimate with.
I feel like we could rule the world, through combined strengths, if we ever wanted to. Perhaps I could rule the world myself off of the high you give me, but I think I would be too distracted chasing said high, haha! This high makes me want to give you so much – give you the world. To stab a nigger for you if ever needed (to quote that hilarious YouTube clip). But at the same time, there is still much I love about my husband that I don’t want to lose. So I am not saying I want to abandon or give up on my marriage at this point in time. And I am certainly not asking you to abandon yours.
All of what I state here – I’m not saying out of expectation or any need for reciprocation because no two people are the same and therefore you can’t expect a mirrored view from anyone.
Sure it tortures me at times, I ache, I yearn, I crave. But it also makes me ask questions of myself – wanting to know me better, to love myself more, accept myself more and be a better person.
I like seeing myself in a different light, what you project of seeing me – if you are in fact being authentic – which I do believe you are. I’m sorry to question your authenticity but it’s not out of me judging your character but out of me protecting myself and having fear.
Fear is what I have known and lived with for so long, it has been a natural constant for me. Similar fears are quite natural for everyone, I believe. Fear of failure, fear of judgement, fear of rejection, fear of not being enough. But I also know that a life lived in fear is a life half-lived.
I strive to learn to dance with fear. To look it in the eye. A quote I love is, “Fear, uncertainty and discomfort are your compasses towards growth”.
So yes, whilst the range of feelings I have and experience do evoke fear, uncertainty and discomfort, I am grateful for the self development this has triggered.