That’s just how we feel {{<3}}

I absolutely love music & lyrics that speak to me……and this song has been speaking to me of late.

Am I wrong for thinking out of the box? Am I wrong for saying that I choose another way? I’m definitely not trying to do what everybody else is doing.

And I think that I most certainly know that whenever I stumble, I do always grow.

The road that I walk down is mine to walk – I am getting better at not looking back, but I do enjoy reflecting on how far I’ve come.

I have also become infinitely better at owning my decisions, creating my own reality (because perception is reality) and not giving up my power by succumbing to the perceptions of others and allowing others to dictate who I am, what I should be or how I should feel.

I am fighting for my life.  I won’t let go.

No, I won’t let others compare me – I am unique.  Everyone is.

I know that I am not alone……in discovering life, in finding out who I am, in finding out what I want.

This IS life. That’s just how we feel ❤

 

 

Am I wrong for thinking out the box from where I stay?
Am I wrong for saying that I choose another way?

I ain’t tryna do what everybody else doing
Just ’cause everybody doing what they all do
If one thing I know, I’ll fall but I’ll grow
I’m walking down this road of mine, this road that I call home

So am I wrong
For thinking that we could be something for real?
Now am I wrong
For trying to reach the things that I can’t see?

But that’s just how I feel 
That’s just how I feel 
That’s just how I feel
Trying to reach the things that I can’t see 

Am I tripping for having a vision?
My prediction: Imma be on top of the world

Walk, walk, don’t look back, always do what you decide
Don’t let them control your life, that’s just how I feel
Fight for yours and don’t let go, don’t let them compare you, no
Don’t worry, you’re not alone, that’s just how we feel

 

 

The agony

 

When all that you want and desire – that you know will satiate you like nothing else – is a gorgeous being who is so, so far away.

And you know that their want and desire is just as strong as yours.

Yet you can do nothing about it.

And it will be months…months (!!), until you see them again. Touch them. Feel them. Smell them. Hear them in person. Look into their eyes and see their soul.

That is the agony I face.

 

Why him? …..part II

tomeyouareperfect

After a recent pleasant chat with TheMaster, which happened to occur right after another wonderful therapy session, I have been reflecting further on why him.

I thought I’d add to my previous post on this in aid of my inner peace, as I recognise that ultimately inner peace is the goal of therapy – being comfortable with yourself, finding peace with that, accepting who you are and how you view the world.  It’s the way that you see things and interpret them (based on past experiences, how you were raised) that result in how you experience the world.  If something is unsettling to you, it is because of how you think about it, how you perceive it. Perception equals reality.

TheMaster is things that hubby is not – thoughtful, nurturing, very much a caregiver (he has been a father for a while…yes breaking a Manifesto rule I don’t think I’d mentioned this about TheMaster before).  We have similar interests in a couple of things that hubby doesn’t share with me – apart from a love of sex.  But hubby is also things that TheMaster is not (that I know of).

And then there’s what I label as energetic vibrations. From the start (I may be imagining things) he’s felt comfortable to me, easy, something I couldn’t quite put my finger on.  Like coming home, where you can be yourself.  After listening to Alain de Botton’s talks, I’m more aware of this quite likely being silly crush-like feelings and romantic idealisations, but if that is the case – why him and not others who are pleasant?

He does treat me the way I like the best – apart from his frustrating absences and lack of consistent communication. Although we’ve never discussed even being friends, so consistent communication is not something I can have expectations around without expressing what I want.

Yes, there are similar parallels with other playmates  – in terms of getting along, a couple of similar personal interests, a level of mutual attraction. But TheMaster seems to have an extra air about him.  Every good characteristic about him is beyond anything I have ever experienced before.

The things he does well, he does just right. He always walks me to my car when it’s dark. Asks if I want anything when he’s buying supplies. Notices things – hangs my dress up (I think he has some neat freak tendencies haha), runs a hot shower knowing that hot over cold is my preference – to give a few examples.

He does everything with manners and respect. But he’s also appropriately cheeky at the right times.

I feel like he thinks he doesn’t speak my language sometimes, that perhaps I am a bit ‘scary smart‘ – but he speaks my language very very well.   And of course there’s those looks, often coupled with the perfect touch. The look that says “I am going to devour and destroy you” that is accompanied by a soft stroke of my skin or a hand on my back. It gives me shivers to recall it. And the look, mid-fuck, that tells me how much he’s enjoying himself.

Eyes & smiles get me – they say that eyes are the window to the soul after all – and I love beautiful souls. And TheMaster has beautiful eyes and a cheeky, warm smile. I like his warmth & softness along with his hardness, both seem to be used at just the right times.

He is the perfect amount of gorgeousness, I could eat him up all day long and still want more.

TheMaster will randomly tell me I’m stunning. Hubby has never said that to me. Actually, hubby has never said anything similar to what playmates tell me – things like, I’m so cute it’s not fair; why am I so nice; I have an amazing energy; I’m a head turner; and a favourite memory – when I sent TheMaster some fresh pics just for him, wearing a colour he’d only just told me he loved, I received a “Oh my fucking god. I’m needing to wank over those pics. My Magenta is looking damn fine”.

The best I get from hubby is “nice” and “mmm”.

But TheLinguist tells me I’m stunning too, as does TheForeigner.  And they are both gorgeous themselves.  But it’s like TheMaster doesn’t know how gorgeous he is. He’s as humble as he is confident, not that the others are cocky at all.  Perhaps ‘humble/confident’ in a similar way to me, although he isn’t self-loathing like I can still be at times.

TheBull is also very sweet to me, but he seems to fight being warmer and less guarded because of his past hurts – which I totally get.  TheBull is more available to me than TheMaster, and definitely shares some similar values, and I do think we will be good friends.

There’s just something about TheMaster….

 

The universe speaks

After feeling a bit off with TheBull the other week, feeling his pull back somewhat perhaps or…….I’m not quite sure what exactly, I decided I should take some time for more self care.

In deciding so, I uncannily came across some articles on self-care as well as received a couple of email newsletters echoing similar things.

The universe is most definitely speaking to me of late.

And I am listening.

I am showing up for myself. I am worthy.  I am enough.

Sometimes more than enough, but enough I am.

“Life is too short to play on the sidelines or get our girlfriends’ approval before wearing an outfit. If we want to live passionate, happy, and purposeful lives, we’ve gotta stand up for ourselves and be unapologetic about who we are and what we have to offer.”

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What I want

A friend who knows about Magenta, keeps coming back to asking me what I want.  So I started this list, which I’m sure I’ll refine/amend/add to – but for now this a good start.

I want to be supported – to be thought of, looked after, cared for. To not have to ask for this, although I realise nurturing and care doesn’t come naturally for men as it does for women.

I want to be cared for in the way that no one else can or does, because you are their world and you mean the world to them. And I don’t mean to care so much about another that you forget or lose yourself.

I want to be wanted, desired, appreciated. Yes, in the way that my playmates do. I totally get that if you don’t love yourself and fulfill yourself, how can others love you?  I am getting much better at this and I do love and accept myself for the most part.

I want to be understood but also to be challenged.   Push me, question me, counter my perspectives respectfully.  Open my mind. Challenge me to grow. Grow with me.

I want my dreams and visions to be accepted, supported, admired.  Or even better, to be shared. I want someone who is my biggest cheerleader – not that I can’t satisfy this myself.

I want someone who can honestly speak these words to me. Perhaps Husband could, but I don’t know. I do know that I would honestly vow them to him. Something to discuss in my next therapy session perhaps – talking about such promises with Husband, I mean.

I want someone who sets my world on fire, as much as I set their world on fire.  I am not so naive that I think this is always the case – I know it takes work, consistency and attention – but I want someone who has the desire for this.

I want someone who speaks my language – which Husband does on almost everything except intimate and emotional matters. We honestly don’t fight or argue, although we also don’t have children yet and I think we’d have to work on a harmonious approach on parenting if we did – but I’m sure everyone needs to balance their views with their spouse on raising children.

I want someone I laugh with. Who wants to share their world with me.  All of their world – what they see, how they see it.  I want someone who dreams big, whose dreams I can chase with them and who will support me chase my dreams, as well as have dreams we chase together. 

I want someone to join me on fucking adventures.  And more adventures. But then also someone who is happy to just chill and hang together.

Is this too much to ask for?

 

In my most recent therapy session I was asked if Husband were to be more supportive and shared responsibilities more than he does now, whether this would be enough for me? Could I live without the appreciation and compliments, words of affirmation?

A daydream …

To the tune of “Favourite Things” *

Airports and oceans,
Both here and away.
Exploring new cities, with you every day.
Chasing our dreams with all of our might,
This a little of what life could be like……

Work hard all day,
And relaxing at night.
Eating nice meals, without having a fight.
Watching a film or perhaps make one in spite,
This is a little of what life could be like…..

French lace and silk,
No matter the day.
Rolling on sand or bales of hay.
Sucking and fucking all day and all night,
This is a little of what life could be like……

When she screams things!
When he’s thoughtless!
When we’re cranky or sad….
Just simply remember the possibilities,
And then we will feel wickedly bad more glad…..

*yes this is intended as humorous

TheBull

TheBull found me via an ad I put up hunting for a girl to join TheMaster & I.  (I would class myself as bi curious as previously mentioned).

My ad mentioned I liked respectful dominance, which I think is what piqued his interest the most – although the pictures accompanying the ad were pretty hot if I do say so.

I initially found TheBull a bit odd and creepy but I later realised that it was the language/cultural difference (as I mentioned here) that made him come across as such – he definitely isn’t creepy and can be quite sweet actually.

I was busy fielding chats from others who spoke my language a little more easily, so I pretty much blew him off for a couple of days before he caught me in a free moment and convinced me to video chat with him.  To say I was pleasantly surprised is an understatement.

He had dark, wavy hair (in need of a cut, he told me – but I love curls), intriguing eyes and a gorgeous smile. Even though I knew his age (a bit younger than me), I wasn’t expecting to see someone so cute and…….well, ‘normal’ looking. We spoke via video chat for a bit and I think he too was surprised with me.

TheBull was going to be in town the following week, which clashed a little with TheMaster’s visit but I was curious enough to fit him into my schedule. We chatted a fair bit ahead of his arrival, but I soon realised that I would be out of action for at least the first few days of his stay – quite likely his whole stay. He was fine with that and still wanted to meet me.

I discovered that TheBull had a fair bit of experience in the kink scene and his various references to ‘the lifestyle’ intrigued me a lot, although kink and fetish things don’t really do much for me, I do love to learn about new things. He told me off for being on The Site, saying that I was “far too attractive and normal” to be hunting on a site that was typically considered to be a bit sleazy and attracting odd types of people. TheBull mentioned another site he recommended me to try and I looked forward to him showing it to me when we met.

I named TheBull as such as he had been involved with cuckold couples in the past and I felt that his other initial interest in me (apart from me mentioning enjoying respectful dominance) was the fact that I was married – I know he loves to fuck wives whilst their husbands watch. He spoke of having been in a few successful cuckold relationships where he was even mates with the husband and had even gone on holidays with the couple, but this was typically with couples older than Husband and I.

I could never imagine being comfortable fucking someone in front of Husband, even if Husband wanted it…..I think it would be something that would take a bit for me to come around to being comfortable with.

TheBull was different to others I’ve chatted to, lots of “xxx” at the end of messages and random “x” or a smiley face and “xx” during the day. I’d had similar perhaps once before, which I wasn’t a fan of, but it didn’t bother me at all with TheBull.

I felt like TheBull was concerned about scaring me off as I wasn’t from ‘the kink scene’ but I was very much intrigued, wanting to know more and learn about what he’d done over the years. He still hasn’t actually told me much, even though we have been chatting for some time.

After a day or so of chatting, I realised I hadn’t done my usual extra search of his messenger name to see if he’d had ads posted up (something I do when I started chatting to new potential playmates) and remembered to do so at the time when he’d be on his way travelling to my town. It actually brought up a couple of interesting ads which I grilled him about via messenger as he had put different stats on each ad.

TheBull got the messages after arriving and immediately thought I didn’t want to meet him anymore. We had chatted so much via video chat and messenger that I thought it was silly to be so dismissive, which I told him, but yes he had lost some points.

He’d also had his hair cut rather short and as a result lost all his beautiful natural waves that suit him so much (and it doesn’t hurt that they make him more Kit Harrington-esque too). But we still arranged to meet the day after he arrived and also planned to hang out on a couple of other days whilst he was in town.

In person, TheBull was just as I pictured him. Tall, a gorgeous naturally athletic body, dark hair and eyes that sparkled. He was friendly and nice but he didn’t seem as warm in person as he made himself out to be over chat. We had an enjoyable first meet up but his coolness didn’t endear himself to me at all, however I was still happy to meet with him again.

We met the following day and spent another couple of hours together. TheBull still wasn’t quite as warm as I had hoped but he wasn’t feeling particularly well- although he didn’t let on how unwell he actually had felt. TheBull was meeting up with friends that evening to go out and we had planned to meet early the following day as my entire morning was free. I made it clear to him that whilst I wished him an enjoyable evening, I did not tolerate hangovers at all and expected him to be in a proper state to meet with me, especially if I was putting myself at risk and giving him my time. TheBull was completely fine with this and told me that he didn’t do that.

The following morning, I woke to a message from TheBull and let him know I’d be over shortly. He met me in the lobby of where he was staying, telling me in one message that he couldn’t come out too far as his hard cock was far too obvious. Mmmm……I was very much looking forward to a more relaxed morning than our previous brief meet ups. TheBull was more relaxed with me this time and in getting up to his room, I paraded a couple of lingerie outfits I’d brought to show him whilst he watched from the bed.

I climbed under the covers with him and we enjoyed some delicious skin on skin time, and kissing, before I made my way south and enjoyed taking his delightful cock in my mouth. I don’t remember a lot from our foreplay, to be honest, but the main event will certainly go down as one of my most enjoyable climaxes to date. It was very much a first for me and I have never known a guy encourage – almost coax even – multiple orgasms.

TheBull had me closely intertwined with him, goddamn…..remembering it, I can almost feel his cock inside me, such a vivid memory. He was certainly hitting all the right spots. I didn’t learn this until much later, but TheBull loved that I grabbed his arse, drawing him in, enjoying him filling me the way he did – which he was most certainly very good at.

Keeping me close, filling me with his power with every thrust. He encouraged me to cum and as I was cumming he told me to keep going, keep cumming, not to stop. It was very different to TheMaster’s way of teasing, trying to get me close and then abating, which really doesn’t seem to result in a greater climax for me.

TheBull must’ve allowed himself to cum soon after but I barely recall it. The memory of the ecstasy he gave me is much sharper in my mind. Most definitely unlike anything before. It was devilishly delicious.

He had to check out of his room not long after, so I took him to a favourite cafe in the area for brunch. We enjoyed friendly, relaxed chat and banter – it was really lovely to hang out together speaking of our respective spouses and situations. I do love getting male insight to what might be going on with hubby and just general people/relationship experience of others’ as my experience is very limited.

We parted ways, unsure if I would see him the next day but we did end up catching up again briefly, although he was a little colder than the previous day and definitely distracted.

Since he returned to where he’s living at the moment, TheBull and I have kept up pretty regular chat. I very much look forward to him moving to my town in the near future, but in the meantime I do enjoy the delights he gives me with the aid of technology 😜

Cum for me

For whatever reason, I’ve never been great at pleasuring myself……perhaps my personality type making me less able to relax & let go fully at times.  But I’ve discovered that I respond well to being commanded to do so and have enjoyed recent video chats with TheBull where he writes for me & watches my face as I cum.

Straight after a nice meal, walking to the room where you enter first and let me walk behind you….staring at that ass. Holding it firm with a little slap, to know you are my sexy queen and I want you badly.

In that scene you will be my queen. And you will cum over and over as I am pressed up against you.

I would pick you up, you wrapping your legs around me. Walk you towards the bed and put you on the bed lightly. And watch you look up at me while I play with my cock. Not saying it but begging for the attention that beautiful face deserves.

Your legs tighten, the more you want to feel my power. If you loosen your legs, I will take the weight off and kiss your neck and tell you how beautiful you are.

I put you in the scissor position, my favourite, and really get deep and all of me and you linked together. As I am all the way in, looking at your face as you cum and I start to fuck hard the second time you cum.

And on the third time, I wrap my arms around your neck – not firmly – as I start to pound that sweet pussy of yours. I put my head down beside your ear and order you to play with your clit. If not done, I fuck you harder and tell you to cum with or without your hand.

Now cum you have no idea how hard I am going to fuck you. And see you cum over and over, like the way you crave, desire and deserve. To be my stunning petite beauty.

You’re so beautiful.

Cum for me.

Keep playin’. Going to spoil you when I am back – you have no idea, lady.

I never told you to stop. Cum for me. Be a good girl.

Keep going. I won’t be stopping in person. And you won’t be allowed to. No breaks just 10 straight after each other. And no answering back from the queen.

You are my sexy queen. And you will cum.

Now.

The more you cum the more sex you get.

So keep playing. I want to see your face as you play.

Cum for me.

I want you. Now.

Hugging you tight as I’m inside of you.

Cum for me, don’t stop. You’re so beautiful.

Cum for me.

 

 

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