That’s just how we feel {{<3}}

I absolutely love music & lyrics that speak to me……and this song has been speaking to me of late.

Am I wrong for thinking out of the box? Am I wrong for saying that I choose another way? I’m definitely not trying to do what everybody else is doing.

And I think that I most certainly know that whenever I stumble, I do always grow.

The road that I walk down is mine to walk – I am getting better at not looking back, but I do enjoy reflecting on how far I’ve come.

I have also become infinitely better at owning my decisions, creating my own reality (because perception is reality) and not giving up my power by succumbing to the perceptions of others and allowing others to dictate who I am, what I should be or how I should feel.

I am fighting for my life.  I won’t let go.

No, I won’t let others compare me – I am unique.  Everyone is.

I know that I am not alone……in discovering life, in finding out who I am, in finding out what I want.

This IS life. That’s just how we feel ❤



Am I wrong for thinking out the box from where I stay?
Am I wrong for saying that I choose another way?

I ain’t tryna do what everybody else doing
Just ’cause everybody doing what they all do
If one thing I know, I’ll fall but I’ll grow
I’m walking down this road of mine, this road that I call home

So am I wrong
For thinking that we could be something for real?
Now am I wrong
For trying to reach the things that I can’t see?

But that’s just how I feel 
That’s just how I feel 
That’s just how I feel
Trying to reach the things that I can’t see 

Am I tripping for having a vision?
My prediction: Imma be on top of the world

Walk, walk, don’t look back, always do what you decide
Don’t let them control your life, that’s just how I feel
Fight for yours and don’t let go, don’t let them compare you, no
Don’t worry, you’re not alone, that’s just how we feel




The agony


When all that you want and desire – that you know will satiate you like nothing else – is a gorgeous being who is so, so far away.

And you know that their want and desire is just as strong as yours.

Yet you can do nothing about it.

And it will be months…months (!!), until you see them again. Touch them. Feel them. Smell them. Hear them in person. Look into their eyes and see their soul.

That is the agony I face.


Why him? …..part II


After a recent pleasant chat with TheMaster, which happened to occur right after another wonderful therapy session, I have been reflecting further on why him.

I thought I’d add to my previous post on this in aid of my inner peace, as I recognise that ultimately inner peace is the goal of therapy – being comfortable with yourself, finding peace with that, accepting who you are and how you view the world.  It’s the way that you see things and interpret them (based on past experiences, how you were raised) that result in how you experience the world.  If something is unsettling to you, it is because of how you think about it, how you perceive it. Perception equals reality.

TheMaster is things that hubby is not – thoughtful, nurturing, very much a caregiver (he has been a father for a while…yes breaking a Manifesto rule I don’t think I’d mentioned this about TheMaster before).  We have similar interests in a couple of things that hubby doesn’t share with me – apart from a love of sex.  But hubby is also things that TheMaster is not (that I know of).

And then there’s what I label as energetic vibrations. From the start (I may be imagining things) he’s felt comfortable to me, easy, something I couldn’t quite put my finger on.  Like coming home, where you can be yourself.  After listening to Alain de Botton’s talks, I’m more aware of this quite likely being silly crush-like feelings and romantic idealisations, but if that is the case – why him and not others who are pleasant?

He does treat me the way I like the best – apart from his frustrating absences and lack of consistent communication. Although we’ve never discussed even being friends, so consistent communication is not something I can have expectations around without expressing what I want.

Yes, there are similar parallels with other playmates  – in terms of getting along, a couple of similar personal interests, a level of mutual attraction. But TheMaster seems to have an extra air about him.  Every good characteristic about him is beyond anything I have ever experienced before.

The things he does well, he does just right. He always walks me to my car when it’s dark. Asks if I want anything when he’s buying supplies. Notices things – hangs my dress up (I think he has some neat freak tendencies haha), runs a hot shower knowing that hot over cold is my preference – to give a few examples.

He does everything with manners and respect. But he’s also appropriately cheeky at the right times.

I feel like he thinks he doesn’t speak my language sometimes, that perhaps I am a bit ‘scary smart‘ – but he speaks my language very very well.   And of course there’s those looks, often coupled with the perfect touch. The look that says “I am going to devour and destroy you” that is accompanied by a soft stroke of my skin or a hand on my back. It gives me shivers to recall it. And the look, mid-fuck, that tells me how much he’s enjoying himself.

Eyes & smiles get me – they say that eyes are the window to the soul after all – and I love beautiful souls. And TheMaster has beautiful eyes and a cheeky, warm smile. I like his warmth & softness along with his hardness, both seem to be used at just the right times.

He is the perfect amount of gorgeousness, I could eat him up all day long and still want more.

TheMaster will randomly tell me I’m stunning. Hubby has never said that to me. Actually, hubby has never said anything similar to what playmates tell me – things like, I’m so cute it’s not fair; why am I so nice; I have an amazing energy; I’m a head turner; and a favourite memory – when I sent TheMaster some fresh pics just for him, wearing a colour he’d only just told me he loved, I received a “Oh my fucking god. I’m needing to wank over those pics. My Magenta is looking damn fine”.

The best I get from hubby is “nice” and “mmm”.

But TheLinguist tells me I’m stunning too, as does TheForeigner.  And they are both gorgeous themselves.  But it’s like TheMaster doesn’t know how gorgeous he is. He’s as humble as he is confident, not that the others are cocky at all.  Perhaps ‘humble/confident’ in a similar way to me, although he isn’t self-loathing like I can still be at times.

TheBull is also very sweet to me, but he seems to fight being warmer and less guarded because of his past hurts – which I totally get.  TheBull is more available to me than TheMaster, and definitely shares some similar values, and I do think we will be good friends.

There’s just something about TheMaster….


The universe speaks

After feeling a bit off with TheBull the other week, feeling his pull back somewhat perhaps or…….I’m not quite sure what exactly, I decided I should take some time for more self care.

In deciding so, I uncannily came across some articles on self-care as well as received a couple of email newsletters echoing similar things.

The universe is most definitely speaking to me of late.

And I am listening.

I am showing up for myself. I am worthy.  I am enough.

Sometimes more than enough, but enough I am.

“Life is too short to play on the sidelines or get our girlfriends’ approval before wearing an outfit. If we want to live passionate, happy, and purposeful lives, we’ve gotta stand up for ourselves and be unapologetic about who we are and what we have to offer.”


What I want

A friend who knows about Magenta, keeps coming back to asking me what I want.  So I started this list, which I’m sure I’ll refine/amend/add to – but for now this a good start.

I want to be supported – to be thought of, looked after, cared for. To not have to ask for this, although I realise nurturing and care doesn’t come naturally for men as it does for women.

I want to be cared for in the way that no one else can or does, because you are their world and you mean the world to them. And I don’t mean to care so much about another that you forget or lose yourself.

I want to be wanted, desired, appreciated. Yes, in the way that my playmates do. I totally get that if you don’t love yourself and fulfill yourself, how can others love you?  I am getting much better at this and I do love and accept myself for the most part.

I want to be understood but also to be challenged.   Push me, question me, counter my perspectives respectfully.  Open my mind. Challenge me to grow. Grow with me.

I want my dreams and visions to be accepted, supported, admired.  Or even better, to be shared. I want someone who is my biggest cheerleader – not that I can’t satisfy this myself.

I want someone who can honestly speak these words to me. Perhaps Husband could, but I don’t know. I do know that I would honestly vow them to him. Something to discuss in my next therapy session perhaps – talking about such promises with Husband, I mean.

I want someone who sets my world on fire, as much as I set their world on fire.  I am not so naive that I think this is always the case – I know it takes work, consistency and attention – but I want someone who has the desire for this.

I want someone who speaks my language – which Husband does on almost everything except intimate and emotional matters. We honestly don’t fight or argue, although we also don’t have children yet and I think we’d have to work on a harmonious approach on parenting if we did – but I’m sure everyone needs to balance their views with their spouse on raising children.

I want someone I laugh with. Who wants to share their world with me.  All of their world – what they see, how they see it.  I want someone who dreams big, whose dreams I can chase with them and who will support me chase my dreams, as well as have dreams we chase together. 

I want someone to join me on fucking adventures.  And more adventures. But then also someone who is happy to just chill and hang together.

Is this too much to ask for?


In my most recent therapy session I was asked if Husband were to be more supportive and shared responsibilities more than he does now, whether this would be enough for me? Could I live without the appreciation and compliments, words of affirmation?

A daydream …

To the tune of “Favourite Things” *

Airports and oceans,
Both here and away.
Exploring new cities, with you every day.
Chasing our dreams with all of our might,
This a little of what life could be like……

Work hard all day,
And relaxing at night.
Eating nice meals, without having a fight.
Watching a film or perhaps make one in spite,
This is a little of what life could be like…..

French lace and silk,
No matter the day.
Rolling on sand or bales of hay.
Sucking and fucking all day and all night,
This is a little of what life could be like……

When she screams things!
When he’s thoughtless!
When we’re cranky or sad….
Just simply remember the possibilities,
And then we will feel wickedly bad more glad…..

*yes this is intended as humorous