I am a lover of words, language and especially alliteration – hence the title of my blog and also this post.
Before I go on, I will state that my linguistical skills throughout this blog are somewhat lacking for the standards of Me. As with most people in this day and age, life is fucking hectic – especially when you are someone who is always doing something.
Adding to this, the fact that Magenta exists in my life – resulting in this blog being unknown to those I share my life with, finding the time to write as well as I would like to (hell, even write at all!) can be tricky.
But I digress.
As much as Magenta has brought much magic and magnificence to my life, she certainly has been more than a bit of a mind-fucking bitch!
As I sit on the cusp of a year of having Magenta in my life, I have certainly grown in ways I never would have expected. I never would have expected to have my views on relationships, love, monogamy and sex evolve in the ways that they have.
With Magenta coming into my life, I never expected to discover so much about Me. I guess I also had some other significant factors in my life that have also contributed to the depth of enquiry into myself, but Magenta has certainly brought about many quality questions.
And despite the mind-fuckery and inner turmoil, my journey as Magenta has definitely aided in my growth and inner peace, especially more recently – although the heightened inner peace has been aided by things I have recently been reading about and learning.
I am enjoying learning more about non-attachment – as it relates to life in general, not only in relationships. I love the questions that such learnings on attachment have brought about regarding my feelings and thoughts. This article has some great explanations of attachment love. Being conscious of this now, I love how freeing it is – the thought of non-attachment to things and relationships. I also love the thought of giving love freely, without being attached to needing it reciprocated. Attachment not only burdens the object of your attachment but also yourself. To be able to love without attachment, is quite liberating. Another great clip on attachment love can be found here.
All of that said, despite my evolved views; more ability to be present and acknowledge; as well as more ability in seeing how everyone colours their world differently; despite becoming more familiar with recognising fantasy and romantic ideations vs reality…….. I still have periods of feeling mind-fucked by TheMaster.
I will give some examples but I do still find it somewhat annoying. My learnings on presence and reflecting on what is real for me is certainly helping me release such negative feelings, as I know that such thoughts of mine are those which only I create.
I actually started drafting this post a couple of weeks ago but titled it “The Mindfuckery of Me by Magenta and TheMaster” as, after writing my update on ‘Magenta’s Men‘, I honestly didn’t think I would hear much from TheMaster at all. Through my recent enlightenment learnings, I realised that the mind-fuckery was actually me and not TheMaster – I had the choice of my perceptions.
But then he reappeared in the way that he does and then disappeared again – which I only discovered when I received a bunch of blog hits one afternoon that freaked me out. I wondered if my blog had been discovered by hubby, so I tried reaching out to TheMaster only to discover he was offline on Messenger. I tried phoning him but it went to voicemail. I emailed his ‘messenger’ email address as a last resort, but didn’t receive a reply to for 10 days. When he finally replied via email, he mentioned he’d had a bit going on himself and the blog hits weren’t him.
Upon hearing that he wasn’t travelling so well, I decided to send him a little care pack as I knew he enjoyed non-fiction reading, so I got him a book I thought he might enjoy. After sending the parcel off I received an email reply from him unexpectedly the next day, in which he mentioned that he would be vacant for a while and may in fact disappear forever. He stated in his email that he would explain more at a later date and would talk to me before disappearing for good, if that were to happen. I mentioned that I had sent him something and apologised if this was going to cause him any issues but he responded that “a surprise from my Magenta is always welcome”. Then he was gone again, but this absence was forewarned and I understood it at least.
About a week or so later he came back online to messenger to let me know he’d received my parcel and throughout that week we had some sporadic pleasant chat as I updated him on my world.
During one exchange, I asked him about vanishing and he told me he was “here for a bit, babe”. I asked for clarification on what ‘here’ meant and he said that “here = Messenger world”, to which I inquired further “Messenger world = play world?”. He replied “mmm maybe. If yes, only you”. After asking for more clarification on that response, he replied further “Play world, if I play I only wish to play with you. Make sense?”. Later I further asked “When here = messenger world// Messenger world = me // = I don’t exist outside of messenger world. Correct?”. To which he replied “Incorrect. You definitely exist outside of Messenger world”.
The next day he did one of his annoying mind-fuckery things, sending me a message asking “how is my girl?”, which enlightened Me recognises as a message that caused drama with my ego. We enjoyed some ongoing chat again for the next couple of days and I helped him with a personal project later that week via email.
After another quiet couple of days, I sent him a snap of a new dress I’d bought which I knew he’d like (it was in a favourite colour of his). He replied a day or so later, telling me I looked “smokin’ “. After a bit of cheeky back-forth messaging (including some images and a little video clip from him), during which he confirmed he would be in my town in the next couple of months, he dropped the bombshell that things weren’t great with his wife and that they were on the verge of being done.
Surprisingly, I slept okay that night – really well actually. We ended up chatting on the phone later the following day when he elaborated on happenings with his wife and we caught up a little on Magenta’s world. He asked me how things were with my husband and I expressed that whilst there had been some recent good chats, things were still moving slowly and hubby still wasn’t really meeting my needs.
TheMaster counseled me saying that each day I let pass by without speaking my truth was another wasted day of life. He asked me if hubby had joined me at therapy (yes), and whether hubby had gone to his own therapy (no). When I expressed my view that these things took time, he disagreed stating that it had only been a short period of time since he expressed to his wife that he wasn’t in love with her. I was a little taken aback to hear that’s what he had done as he only mentioned via Messenger that things weren’t great.
Only just the previous week, I had been pondering myself about husband and whether we were just friends rather than husband & wife. We certainly have never attained ‘best friend’ status in my eyes, but we are certainly good friends. The more I ponder this, the more I feel it is true for us and I wonder if it is true for hubby too, being that our relationship is really only the first major one for both of us.
I certainly love hubby and I’m not saying that I couldn’t fall in love with him again….that’s what a good marriage is though, right? There’s a quote that I like that says something like “a successful marriage requires falling in love several times, always with the same person”. We certainly have plenty to lose by parting and but I do wonder if the dreams I’d like to chase are not aligned with our marriage. I know I need to discuss these things with hubby but I guess I need to be more certain of my own truth too. At the same time, I do wonder if I am being unfair on hubby that he is unaware of my ponderings?
I am glad I have my wonderful therapist to discuss this with and I intend to do so during our next session.