Dear Me – the caterpillar

Following on from my previous post, this letter is from my future self…..setting intentions with the new moon.

**I originally wrote this letter to Magenta, but realised that Magenta will not exist in my future. Magenta is only a stepping stone on the path to creating Me.

 

Write a repair letter, a love letter, or a gratitude letter to a past/present/future version of you, to others who have shaped and deeply impacted your life, or to those you have unfinished business with. You know the letter I speak of—it is the one you carry in your heart, that writes itself in those “in-between” moments, the one that you would write if only you were brave and honest enough. – via Elephant Journal

Dear 2017 Me  – the caterpillar,

I know that you have been working a lot on yourself over the last few years, which has definitely reached a peak at present.  

I know that you still have much uncertainty, that you still hold on to fear, anxiety, have a lack of trust in yourself and undervalue yourself a lot.  Despite moments of knowing you are pretty fucking awesome…..let’s be honest, babe….. in many instances – you still think of yourself as a fraud.  

Well, I can tell you now that I’m really laughing on reflection, cos WOW – you truly do rock the casbah!  

Babe, you are truly making a difference in the work that you do here now.  I wish you knew all the amazing things that you are going to go on to do and achieve – all the lives you are going to change for the better.  

All the work that you are doing on your instincts, trusting yourself, knowing your intuition – keep working on that Third Eye Chakra hon. And your Root Chakra too. Everything will be okay.

Have courage. Release your fears. I am proof that you will be okay….I know it can be hard to see at times….I can see now that you were a caterpillar and here I am, the butterfly. 

Keep practising presence and acceptance – for both the good and the bad. Everyone does things they think are bad and everyone has thoughts they think are bad – you are a good person.  Remember to practice self-soothing when you want to beat yourself up, don’t rationalise your thoughts.  You will get better at this.

You will also get better at creating your reality – because you have had so many lessons in this.  This is second nature to you now, you intrinsically know that whatever happens, you always have a choice.  

A choice of how you interpret things.  A choice in how you react. 

Always choose with good intentions. Seek the good.  Be the good.  Know that it is there and you will find it. The world always needs more love, sprinkle that shit everywhere.  

I am so grateful that you hung in there, girl!  Fighting the good fight, searching, questioning, forever curious.  Babe, you know you are truly magical.  You may still be questioning it, but where I am now – pffffft, don’t question it, just believe it.

I was there all along, you didn’t have to find me…..you needed to CREATE me. 

And in creating me, you found what you were looking for all along but couldn’t find. That’s because I couldn’t be found – you had to go through everything in order for me to be created – what an epic achievement!

I love you – you are amazing!

Love, light and laughter (always laughter!),

The Butterfly, future Me

Dear Master, with gratitude

There’s a new moon coming this week.  Apparently it’s a ‘super moon’ – meaning that it is closer to the earth, hence the ‘pull’ of the moon is much greater.  New moons are times to set intentions and manifest what you want to bring into your life as well as have gratitude.

Stronger ‘hippy’ interests are something new to me, although I have always had a spiritual bent….perhaps part of my DNA as there is spiritual presence in my family.

I loved a suggestion in this article I came across, which spoke of writing a letter to yourself or to those who have shaped and deeply impacted your life.

I thought I’d take this time to reflect on my gratitude for TheMaster….letter to my future self to follow.

Dear Master,

I know I have mentioned it before but I really wanted you to know what a profound affect you’ve had on my life and I am ever so grateful to have known you – even if it is only for a fleeting moment.

You are an amazing, AMAZING person.

Now, I do realise that it may sound silly for me to say that without really knowing you, but I truly feel that there is something special about you.  And how do you know when you really know a person anyway?

Often you never know what impact you’ve had on others’ lives – good, bad or otherwise – but you have most definitely had an impact on mine.  And for that, I will always be grateful.

I hope that those who get to have you in their lives know how lucky they are.  It makes me glad to know that there are some special little lives, which are directly influenced by you, out in the world.  I hope that they take on your lessons and teachings….because a world touched by you is an infinitely better place.

I don’t mean to say any of this with fluff or fanfare.I have done plenty of soul searching and reflecting, particularly over the last 6-months, to know that I don’t say these things with expectation or crush-like infatuation.

I most certainly have had those moments in the time that I’ve known you, but I do recognise them for what they were at the time and I have certainly grown from there.

Despite having spent much time on personal growth, something about having met you seems to have accelerated things that I have learnt but never really ‘clicked’ for me.

I finally understand practicing presence better.  I value myself and my own opinion more.  I understand the power in owning my choices – choosing my reality and not letting the actions of others dictate how I feel or what I do.

For all of the chaos and inner turmoil knowing you has brought me – you have also given me much peace, and for that I thank you.

Thank you for accepting me.

Thank you for helping me see me.

Thank you for helping me find me.

Thank you for helping me be me.

Thank you for everything that you’ve opened up my mind and my eyes to.

Thank you for helping me heal myself.

Thank you for all of the ecstasy and all of the laughs.

Thank you for showing me what care and respect from a lover can look like.

I am a better person for having known you – I will always be grateful for having met you and your influence on my life.

You will forever be my Master Kaos.

Eternally your Kitty (aka ultimate bottom bitch),

Me x

#TrustYoSelf

I seem to keep getting reminded to trust myself.  My intuition. That I will know.
A simple thing, like putting my slippers on in the dark, served as a reminder to me of trusting myself.

As I fumbled in the pitch-black dark, slipping one foot into what I thought was the correct slipper for that foot, I hadn’t even reached the base of the slipper which would’ve unequivocally told me it was the wrong slipper when my intuition spoke to me.  I listened to it, removing my foot and trying the other slipper….which turned out to be the correct one.

As a child of trauma, it has taken me my whole adult life to realise how obliterated my identity was – although perhaps a combination of both my personality and upbringing.

My sense of self (and trust in self) was lost through an ingrained belief of being wrong all the time, obviously untrue but the mind works in mysterious ways, hey?

Sure I had plenty of positive evidence of not being wrong but even though I knew those moments existed and were true, they were overridden by the fear I had in speaking out. For me, speaking out (for the most part) resulted in harm to me or others. So silence was my safety…..protecting myself….and through the silence bred my lack of trust in myself.

They say that the brain is an evidence-finding machine. I don’t know enough about the specifics to be an authority on this by any means, but through my personal development learnings I was introduced to the RAS or Reticular Activating System.

In short, as I understand it, there is an area of the brain that filters out what is important to you – it interprets what you focus on the most as what is important to you.

What you focus on = what you get.

As a means of protection and self-preservation, as a child and adolescent, I would find evidence to support my belief that I was wrong, not good enough, didn’t know what I was doing, that I couldn’t or shouldn’t trust myself.

But despite all of these beliefs, I still managed great achievements, in both adolescence and early adulthood, that I am very proud of.

I keep getting reminders to trust myself of late – both in incidents and from friends.

I am listening.

I will get there.

I will trust myself.  I do trust myself.  I must trust myself.

Small talk

I was at a family function the other day – I have a pretty big extended family that I rarely see.

I saw some aunties and cousins who I hadn’t seen in at least 10 years.

In a brief ‘catch up’ conversation, one relative enquired,”still happily married?”. To which I continued to smile (as I often do, as is my personality) and replied, nodding,”yeah…”.

A bit of a random question (although the relative in question was divorced), but it made me think…..

I know I definitely have it pretty good and I am grateful for everything in my life.

It takes me back to the question my therapist asked me about what was enough for me….can I live with hubby’s very detached emotional style? With less affection and compliments/ appreciation than I desire?

I do wonder if it’s unfair to hubby that he is unaware of how much I have deliberated but I also know I can’t take anything back once it’s been said.

I think I can live with things, when deliberating all the other good there is about us.

…..but then there’s that pesky sex thing. I don’t know how to illustrate just how little hubby is into sex, but maybe I’m just not right for him? Am I denying him finding someone more compatible in that respect?

 

The Near Miss

TheLinguist was in town recently and we had a lovely albeit brief catch up.

We had planned to have a longer play date along with seeing a show which was on during his visit, but alas our plans were thwarted….

No less than 20 minutes from receiving his last message where he mentioned counting down to seeing me, TheLinguist stated in a panic “Hey – we have a huge problem. Have you got a number I can call you on?”.

Numbers aren’t something typically exchanged out of safety of getting directly caught out and at this stage I had absolutely no inkling of what the huge problem might be. I trusted TheLinguist enough to be careful with calling my number, so I gave it to him although he acknowledged it was unconventional to our situation.

My phone rang shortly after that and on reflection of the call, he actually sounded very calm. TheLinguist’s wife had just called him and asked what he was up to for the evening, to which I think he said he told her he was chilling or going to a show….then she dropped the bombshell that she’d decided to surprise him as it was the weekend. TheLinguist’s wife had landed in my city and was enroute to his apartment, where I had been briefly only just the previous evening.

My only reaction was to laugh about the incredulous luck we’d had that she hadn’t arrived half an hour later when I quite likely would have been there.

After hanging up from the call, TheLinguist messaged me “Fuuuuuuuuuuck”. “FUCK”.

Fortunately I hadn’t left any of my belongings behind and he managed to clean the apartment of any evidence of my presence with 15 minutes to spare.

A very very lucky near miss indeed!

Awakened

I’ve been trying to find a way to describe my evolved feelings for TheMaster and I came across these words from Elephant Journal, which seem to say what I have been trying to find the words to describe.

I have no issue admitting to having had a schoolgirl crush on TheMaster – I completely recognise that for what it was at the time.  That crush-like feeling certainly crops up from time to time, but it has also evolved as I have experienced growth and I don’t feel like I have such a sense of needy-ness anymore.

Sure I have desire for him like no other, but I am happy to own that as my choice and my reality without needing reciprocation or to force anything.  If I decide that reciproction is something I need or value then I will be happy to seek such answers at that time.

I would like to know him more than what he has revealed of himself to date, but I also recognise that I haven’t really asked to know him more.

I definitely know that he has had a profound affect on me….the way that I feel like he reads me so well; the way he explains things in a way that resonates with me; as well as made me question things and opened my mind, respectfully; the way that he has brought about greater self-acceptance in me.

I honestly have no idea how he feels – and I don’t feel it’s something I need to unequivocally know right now.

I’m okay with how I feel and I’m happy to own that as my own experience.

Yes, he has awakened me and such awakening has has spurred me to grow.

The last paragraph {extract below} of this post from Elephant Journal really resonates with how I feel.

Meeting TheMaster has brought about much self-reflection, inquiry and honest investigtion into my own nature – in pursuit of finding, and sustaining, greater feelings of self-love and acceptance that he stirs in me.

And in loving myself more honestly, I will find my truth – what I want, what I desire in my life, what I deserve & value.

I am grateful for the awakening and look forward to discovering more.

I feel like many of us are sleepwalking our way through life.

We move through our existence in a kind of daze, an existential stupor—that is until that thing comes around forcing us to wake up.

Who knows what that thing might be? It could be anything, any kind of experience that pulls the rug from under us and makes us realize how unconscious we’ve been for most of our lives.

Perhaps it will be another person, someone who shows us what is possible, someone who reminds us of our true nature, someone who makes us remember the innocent and wondrous child that lives within the fabric of our own psyche.

Once we’ve found that thing that wakes us up from our metaphysical slumber, we then begin the work of pursuing a lasting experience of that feeling, and this feeling can only be rightly sought through self-reflection, inquiry, and an honest investigation into our own nature.

 

I hunger for your touch…

Current feels: breathless & hungry.

A hunger that is best satiated by TheMaster.  Not that I cannot fulfil myself…..I don’t need him, but I do want him.

This track came to mind…excuse the grainy quality clip that I found but it speaks to me the most.

I love language – this clip has both Spanish & English lyric subtitles. And of course this track is synonymous with the movie Ghost. Who doesn’t love classic Patrick Swayze?

The characters I know him best for are a little reminiscent of TheMaster to me – just the “good bad boy” vibe I guess.

One friend, who knows about Magenta, remarked to me once that TheMaster “looked like trouble”….which I know what she meant and I can understand her getting that vibe.

Perhaps I’m somewhat blinded, but I think he has plenty of good about him despite any “bad boy” tendencies that may be present.

Here’s to getting uncomfortable

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And the really uncomfortable shit? Well that’s the stuff we need to invite in for a goddamn drink so we can get to the bottom of it once and for all.

– via Kate Rose

I’ve blogged about finding acceptance and inner peace recently, as well as in an earlier post or two.

The words of Kate Rose really say things for me much more powerfully, and more succinctly, than I have been able to.

In order to find my true answers, I must make peace with who I am.

I must heal myself.

And discover myself.

Not the self who I think others expect me to be; not the self who must be a certain way to stay safe; not the self who must conform to avoid harm or negative emotions.

The self that I am is all kinds of things to all kinds of people. Sometimes I am right, sometimes I am wrong.

But I am human.

And considering where I came from, I’m pretty fucking proud of myself.

There is absolutely no right or wrong, nor good or bad.

I can choose to accept and make peace with my perception of the way that husband loves me and the way that he participates in our life together; or I can ask for more, set out my needs and expectations.

I am worthy of more. And so is he.

 

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