I don’t need you, but I do want you

Without expectation or crystal ball gazing, I know – undoubtedly – that I want you in my life.

To know you. To nourish you.  To conquer with you, separately together.

But always to nourish ourselves first and foremost.

The me of my 20s was a very different me but I am grateful for everything that has brought me to who I am today.

I cannot be bought.  I do not value material things.  No, I am not uppity.

I value freedom, truth, authenticity.  Which may sound incongruent with my current activities but I have been fighting for my truth.

I want to be known, to be understood, for someone to want to know me. All of me.

I want to know all of you – the dark and the light.

I will not be owned, I do not want to own you or buy you.

I don’t want to save you and
I don’t want you to save me.

I don’t need you, but I do want you – however your presence may be.

Your presence may only be small. Or it may not be now. Or it may be never at all.

But I want you.

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The garden vs the gate

In the weeks since I posted about getting uncomfortable and having the courage to heal myself, make peace with myself and find my truth, I definitely feel like I am finally getting somewhere.

As I continue to ask myself quality questions, as well as engage in discussions with various friends, including some new ones, I ponder this;

The entire point of life is to decide if we want to stay in our own little garden safe behind the fence coated in comfort tending the same garden we’ve always occupied.

 Or, if we are brave enough to leave everything that we’ve ever known and make the choice to walk through the gate into the absolute and complete unknown. 

At this point in time, I find myself pondering the possibilities of the known vs the unknown – staying in my ‘comfortable garden’ vs stepping through ‘the gate’.

The Garden The known

A loving family I adore, who love me
Friends who engage with my health and spiritual sides
A comfortable life
Travel
Financial security/freedom
Fulfillment of goals in a life that ‘looks good’- society values
Friendship, love, companionship from a partner who is ‘detached’, and lives with the ‘dimmer down’, but is in general kind, intelligent, hard-working and has similar values and some similar interests to me, who also allows me much freedom – we both allow each other much freedom. But I also feel a lack of support, affection and intimacy.

Through the Gate The unknown

Friends (‘chosen family’) who engage in my health and spiritual sides
Living my truth more authentically
More time to solely support myself and my goals
Financial security/freedom
A passionate life
Adventures
Relentless pursuit of goals that align with my truth and values
The partner I seek – each other’s best friend and biggest cheerleader; supportive, passionate, alignment of values and interests (especially in health and pursuit of improving lives for the greater good); alignment in values of affection and intimacy.

 

As I look within to find my answers, I trust that I will have the courage to find and speak my truth.

Enlightenment and Magenta’s Mind-fuckery of Me

I am a lover of words, language and especially alliteration – hence the title of my blog and also this post.

Before I go on, I will state that my linguistical skills throughout this blog are somewhat lacking for the standards of Me.  As with most people in this day and age, life is fucking hectic – especially when you are someone who is always doing something.

Adding to this, the fact that Magenta exists in my life – resulting in this blog being unknown to those I share my life with, finding the time to write as well as I would like to (hell, even write at all!) can be tricky.

But I digress.

As much as Magenta has brought much magic and magnificence to my life, she certainly has been more than a bit of a mind-fucking bitch!

As I sit on the cusp of a year of having Magenta in my life, I have certainly grown in ways I never would have expected.  I never would have expected to have my views on relationships, love, monogamy and sex evolve in the ways that they have.

With Magenta coming into my life, I never expected to discover so much about Me.  I guess I also had some other significant factors in my life that have also contributed to the depth of enquiry into myself, but Magenta has certainly brought about many quality questions.

And despite the mind-fuckery and inner turmoil, my journey as Magenta has definitely aided in my growth and inner peace, especially more recently – although the heightened inner peace has been aided by things I have recently been reading about and learning.

I am enjoying learning more about non-attachment – as it relates to life in general, not only in relationships.  I love the questions that such learnings on attachment have brought about regarding my feelings and thoughts.  This article has some great explanations of attachment love.  Being conscious of this now, I love how freeing it is – the thought of non-attachment to things and relationships.  I also love the thought of giving love freely, without being attached to needing it reciprocated.  Attachment not only burdens the object of your attachment but also yourself.  To be able to love without attachment, is quite liberating. Another great clip on attachment love can be found here.

All of that said, despite my evolved views; more ability to be present and acknowledge; as well as more ability in seeing how everyone colours their world differently; despite becoming more familiar with recognising fantasy and romantic ideations vs reality…….. I still have periods of feeling mind-fucked by TheMaster.

I will give some examples but I do still find it somewhat annoying.  My learnings on presence and reflecting on what is real for me is certainly helping me release such negative feelings, as I know that such thoughts of mine are those which only I create.

I actually started drafting this post a couple of weeks ago but titled it “The Mindfuckery of Me by Magenta and TheMaster” as, after writing my update on ‘Magenta’s Men‘, I honestly didn’t think I would hear much from TheMaster at all.  Through my recent enlightenment learnings, I realised that the mind-fuckery was actually me and not TheMaster – I had the choice of my perceptions.

But then he reappeared in the way that he does and then disappeared again – which I only discovered when I received a bunch of blog hits one afternoon that freaked me out. I wondered if my blog had been discovered by hubby, so I tried reaching out to TheMaster only to discover he was offline on Messenger.  I tried phoning him but it went to voicemail.  I emailed his ‘messenger’ email address as a last resort, but didn’t receive a reply to for 10 days.  When he finally replied via email, he mentioned he’d had a bit going on himself and the blog hits weren’t him.

Upon hearing that he wasn’t travelling so well, I decided to send him a little care pack as I knew he enjoyed non-fiction reading, so I got him a book I thought he might enjoy.  After sending the parcel off I received an email reply from him unexpectedly the next day, in which he mentioned that he would be vacant for a while and may in fact disappear forever.  He stated in his email that he would explain more at a later date and would talk to me before disappearing for good, if that were to happen.  I mentioned that I had sent him something and apologised if this was going to cause him any issues but he responded that “a surprise from my Magenta is always welcome”. Then he was gone again, but this absence was forewarned and I understood it at least.

About a week or so later he came back online to messenger to let me know he’d received my parcel and throughout that week we had some sporadic pleasant chat as I updated him on my world.

During one exchange, I asked him about vanishing and he told me he was “here for a bit, babe”.  I asked for clarification on what ‘here’ meant and he said that “here = Messenger world”, to which I inquired further “Messenger world = play world?”.  He replied “mmm maybe. If yes, only you”.  After asking for more clarification on that response, he replied further “Play world, if I play I only wish to play with you. Make sense?”.  Later I further asked “When here = messenger world// Messenger world = me //  = I don’t exist outside of messenger world. Correct?”. To which he replied “Incorrect. You definitely exist outside of Messenger world”.

The next day he did one of his annoying mind-fuckery things, sending me a message asking “how is my girl?”, which enlightened Me recognises as a message that caused drama with my ego.  We enjoyed some ongoing chat again for the next couple of days and I helped him with a personal project later that week via email.

After another quiet couple of days, I sent him a snap of a new dress I’d bought which I knew he’d like (it was in a favourite colour of his). He replied a day or so later, telling me I looked “smokin’ “.  After a bit of cheeky back-forth messaging (including some images and a little video clip from him), during which he confirmed he would be in my town in the next couple of months, he dropped the bombshell that things weren’t great with his wife and that they were on the verge of being done.

Surprisingly, I slept okay that night – really well actually. We ended up chatting on the phone later the following day when he elaborated on happenings with his wife and we caught up a little on Magenta’s world.  He asked me how things were with my husband and I expressed that whilst there had been some recent good chats, things were still moving slowly and hubby still wasn’t really meeting my needs.

TheMaster counseled me saying that each day I let pass by without speaking my truth was another wasted day of life. He asked me if hubby had joined me at therapy (yes), and whether hubby had gone to his own therapy (no).  When I expressed my view that these things took time, he disagreed stating that it had only been a short period of time since he expressed to his wife that he wasn’t in love with her.  I was a little taken aback to hear that’s what he had done as he only mentioned via Messenger that things weren’t great.

Only just the previous week, I had been pondering myself about husband and whether we were just friends rather than husband & wife.  We certainly have never attained ‘best friend’ status in my eyes, but we are certainly good friends.  The more I ponder this, the more I feel it is true for us and I wonder if it is true for hubby too, being that our relationship is really only the first major one for both of us.

I certainly love hubby and I’m not saying that I couldn’t fall in love with him again….that’s what a good marriage is though, right?  There’s a quote that I like that says something like “a successful marriage requires falling in love several times, always with the same person”.  We certainly have plenty to lose by parting and but I do wonder if the dreams I’d like to chase are not aligned with our marriage.  I know I need to discuss these things with hubby but I guess I need to be more certain of my own truth too.  At the same time, I do wonder if I am being unfair on hubby that he is unaware of my ponderings?

I am glad I have my wonderful therapist to discuss this with and I intend to do so during our next session.

Dear Me – the caterpillar

Following on from my previous post, this letter is from my future self…..setting intentions with the new moon.

**I originally wrote this letter to Magenta, but realised that Magenta will not exist in my future. Magenta is only a stepping stone on the path to creating Me.

 

Write a repair letter, a love letter, or a gratitude letter to a past/present/future version of you, to others who have shaped and deeply impacted your life, or to those you have unfinished business with. You know the letter I speak of—it is the one you carry in your heart, that writes itself in those “in-between” moments, the one that you would write if only you were brave and honest enough. – via Elephant Journal

Dear 2017 Me  – the caterpillar,

I know that you have been working a lot on yourself over the last few years, which has definitely reached a peak at present.  

I know that you still have much uncertainty, that you still hold on to fear, anxiety, have a lack of trust in yourself and undervalue yourself a lot.  Despite moments of knowing you are pretty fucking awesome…..let’s be honest, babe….. in many instances – you still think of yourself as a fraud.  

Well, I can tell you now that I’m really laughing on reflection, cos WOW – you truly do rock the casbah!  

Babe, you are truly making a difference in the work that you do here now.  I wish you knew all the amazing things that you are going to go on to do and achieve – all the lives you are going to change for the better.  

All the work that you are doing on your instincts, trusting yourself, knowing your intuition – keep working on that Third Eye Chakra hon. And your Root Chakra too. Everything will be okay.

Have courage. Release your fears. I am proof that you will be okay….I know it can be hard to see at times….I can see now that you were a caterpillar and here I am, the butterfly. 

Keep practising presence and acceptance – for both the good and the bad. Everyone does things they think are bad and everyone has thoughts they think are bad – you are a good person.  Remember to practice self-soothing when you want to beat yourself up, don’t rationalise your thoughts.  You will get better at this.

You will also get better at creating your reality – because you have had so many lessons in this.  This is second nature to you now, you intrinsically know that whatever happens, you always have a choice.  

A choice of how you interpret things.  A choice in how you react. 

Always choose with good intentions. Seek the good.  Be the good.  Know that it is there and you will find it. The world always needs more love, sprinkle that shit everywhere.  

I am so grateful that you hung in there, girl!  Fighting the good fight, searching, questioning, forever curious.  Babe, you know you are truly magical.  You may still be questioning it, but where I am now – pffffft, don’t question it, just believe it.

I was there all along, you didn’t have to find me…..you needed to break out of your cocoon and UNVEIL me. 

And in unveiling me, you found what you were looking for all along but couldn’t find. That’s because I couldn’t be found – you had to go through everything as part of my metamorphis  – what an epic achievement!

I love you – you are amazing!

Love, light and laughter (always laughter!),

The Butterfly, future Me

Dear Master, with gratitude

There’s a new moon coming this week.  Apparently it’s a ‘super moon’ – meaning that it is closer to the earth, hence the ‘pull’ of the moon is much greater.  New moons are times to set intentions and manifest what you want to bring into your life as well as have gratitude.

Stronger ‘hippy’ interests are something new to me, although I have always had a spiritual bent….perhaps part of my DNA as there is spiritual presence in my family.

I loved a suggestion in this article I came across, which spoke of writing a letter to yourself or to those who have shaped and deeply impacted your life.

I thought I’d take this time to reflect on my gratitude for TheMaster….letter to my future self to follow.

Dear Master,

I know I have mentioned it before but I really wanted you to know what a profound affect you’ve had on my life and I am ever so grateful to have known you – even if it is only for a fleeting moment.

You are an amazing, AMAZING person.

Now, I do realise that it may sound silly for me to say that without really knowing you, but I truly feel that there is something special about you.  And how do you know when you really know a person anyway?

Often you never know what impact you’ve had on others’ lives – good, bad or otherwise – but you have most definitely had an impact on mine.  And for that, I will always be grateful.

I hope that those who get to have you in their lives know how lucky they are.  It makes me glad to know that there are some special little lives, which are directly influenced by you, out in the world.  I hope that they take on your lessons and teachings….because a world touched by you is an infinitely better place.

I don’t mean to say any of this with fluff or fanfare.I have done plenty of soul searching and reflecting, particularly over the last 6-months, to know that I don’t say these things with expectation or crush-like infatuation.

I most certainly have had those moments in the time that I’ve known you, but I do recognise them for what they were at the time and I have certainly grown from there.

Despite having spent much time on personal growth, something about having met you seems to have accelerated things that I have learnt but never really ‘clicked’ for me.

I finally understand practicing presence better.  I value myself and my own opinion more.  I understand the power in owning my choices – choosing my reality and not letting the actions of others dictate how I feel or what I do.

For all of the chaos and inner turmoil knowing you has brought me – you have also given me much peace, and for that I thank you.

Thank you for accepting me.

Thank you for helping me see me.

Thank you for helping me find me.

Thank you for helping me be me.

Thank you for everything that you’ve opened up my mind and my eyes to.

Thank you for helping me heal myself.

Thank you for all of the ecstasy and all of the laughs.

Thank you for showing me what care and respect from a lover can look like.

I am a better person for having known you – I will always be grateful for having met you and your influence on my life.

You will forever be my Master Kaos.

Eternally your Kitty (aka ultimate bottom bitch),

Me x