I seem to keep getting reminded to trust myself. My intuition. That I will know.
A simple thing, like putting my slippers on in the dark, served as a reminder to me of trusting myself.
As I fumbled in the pitch-black dark, slipping one foot into what I thought was the correct slipper for that foot, I hadn’t even reached the base of the slipper which would’ve unequivocally told me it was the wrong slipper when my intuition spoke to me. I listened to it, removing my foot and trying the other slipper….which turned out to be the correct one.
As a child of trauma, it has taken me my whole adult life to realise how obliterated my identity was – although perhaps a combination of both my personality and upbringing.
My sense of self (and trust in self) was lost through an ingrained belief of being wrong all the time, obviously untrue but the mind works in mysterious ways, hey?
Sure I had plenty of positive evidence of not being wrong but even though I knew those moments existed and were true, they were overridden by the fear I had in speaking out. For me, speaking out (for the most part) resulted in harm to me or others. So silence was my safety…..protecting myself….and through the silence bred my lack of trust in myself.
They say that the brain is an evidence-finding machine. I don’t know enough about the specifics to be an authority on this by any means, but through my personal development learnings I was introduced to the RAS or Reticular Activating System.
In short, as I understand it, there is an area of the brain that filters out what is important to you – it interprets what you focus on the most as what is important to you.
What you focus on = what you get.
As a means of protection and self-preservation, as a child and adolescent, I would find evidence to support my belief that I was wrong, not good enough, didn’t know what I was doing, that I couldn’t or shouldn’t trust myself.
But despite all of these beliefs, I still managed great achievements, in both adolescence and early adulthood, that I am very proud of.
I keep getting reminders to trust myself of late – both in incidents and from friends.
I am listening.
I will get there.
I will trust myself. I do trust myself. I must trust myself.