Enlightenment and Magenta’s Mind-fuckery of Me

I am a lover of words, language and especially alliteration – hence the title of my blog and also this post.

Before I go on, I will state that my linguistical skills throughout this blog are somewhat lacking for the standards of Me.  As with most people in this day and age, life is fucking hectic – especially when you are someone who is always doing something.

Adding to this, the fact that Magenta exists in my life – resulting in this blog being unknown to those I share my life with, finding the time to write as well as I would like to (hell, even write at all!) can be tricky.

But I digress.

As much as Magenta has brought much magic and magnificence to my life, she certainly has been more than a bit of a mind-fucking bitch!

As I sit on the cusp of a year of having Magenta in my life, I have certainly grown in ways I never would have expected.  I never would have expected to have my views on relationships, love, monogamy and sex evolve in the ways that they have.

With Magenta coming into my life, I never expected to discover so much about Me.  I guess I also had some other significant factors in my life that have also contributed to the depth of enquiry into myself, but Magenta has certainly brought about many quality questions.

And despite the mind-fuckery and inner turmoil, my journey as Magenta has definitely aided in my growth and inner peace, especially more recently – although the heightened inner peace has been aided by things I have recently been reading about and learning.

I am enjoying learning more about non-attachment – as it relates to life in general, not only in relationships.  I love the questions that such learnings on attachment have brought about regarding my feelings and thoughts.  This article has some great explanations of attachment love.  Being conscious of this now, I love how freeing it is – the thought of non-attachment to things and relationships.  I also love the thought of giving love freely, without being attached to needing it reciprocated.  Attachment not only burdens the object of your attachment but also yourself.  To be able to love without attachment, is quite liberating. Another great clip on attachment love can be found here.

All of that said, despite my evolved views; more ability to be present and acknowledge; as well as more ability in seeing how everyone colours their world differently; despite becoming more familiar with recognising fantasy and romantic ideations vs reality…….. I still have periods of feeling mind-fucked by TheMaster.

I will give some examples but I do still find it somewhat annoying.  My learnings on presence and reflecting on what is real for me is certainly helping me release such negative feelings, as I know that such thoughts of mine are those which only I create.

I actually started drafting this post a couple of weeks ago but titled it “The Mindfuckery of Me by Magenta and TheMaster” as, after writing my update on ‘Magenta’s Men‘, I honestly didn’t think I would hear much from TheMaster at all.  Through my recent enlightenment learnings, I realised that the mind-fuckery was actually me and not TheMaster – I had the choice of my perceptions.

But then he reappeared in the way that he does and then disappeared again – which I only discovered when I received a bunch of blog hits one afternoon that freaked me out. I wondered if my blog had been discovered by hubby, so I tried reaching out to TheMaster only to discover he was offline on Messenger.  I tried phoning him but it went to voicemail.  I emailed his ‘messenger’ email address as a last resort, but didn’t receive a reply to for 10 days.  When he finally replied via email, he mentioned he’d had a bit going on himself and the blog hits weren’t him.

Upon hearing that he wasn’t travelling so well, I decided to send him a little care pack as I knew he enjoyed non-fiction reading, so I got him a book I thought he might enjoy.  After sending the parcel off I received an email reply from him unexpectedly the next day, in which he mentioned that he would be vacant for a while and may in fact disappear forever.  He stated in his email that he would explain more at a later date and would talk to me before disappearing for good, if that were to happen.  I mentioned that I had sent him something and apologised if this was going to cause him any issues but he responded that “a surprise from my Magenta is always welcome”. Then he was gone again, but this absence was forewarned and I understood it at least.

About a week or so later he came back online to messenger to let me know he’d received my parcel and throughout that week we had some sporadic pleasant chat as I updated him on my world.

During one exchange, I asked him about vanishing and he told me he was “here for a bit, babe”.  I asked for clarification on what ‘here’ meant and he said that “here = Messenger world”, to which I inquired further “Messenger world = play world?”.  He replied “mmm maybe. If yes, only you”.  After asking for more clarification on that response, he replied further “Play world, if I play I only wish to play with you. Make sense?”.  Later I further asked “When here = messenger world// Messenger world = me //  = I don’t exist outside of messenger world. Correct?”. To which he replied “Incorrect. You definitely exist outside of Messenger world”.

The next day he did one of his annoying mind-fuckery things, sending me a message asking “how is my girl?”, which enlightened Me recognises as a message that caused drama with my ego.  We enjoyed some ongoing chat again for the next couple of days and I helped him with a personal project later that week via email.

After another quiet couple of days, I sent him a snap of a new dress I’d bought which I knew he’d like (it was in a favourite colour of his). He replied a day or so later, telling me I looked “smokin’ “.  After a bit of cheeky back-forth messaging (including some images and a little video clip from him), during which he confirmed he would be in my town in the next couple of months, he dropped the bombshell that things weren’t great with his wife and that they were on the verge of being done.

Surprisingly, I slept okay that night – really well actually. We ended up chatting on the phone later the following day when he elaborated on happenings with his wife and we caught up a little on Magenta’s world.  He asked me how things were with my husband and I expressed that whilst there had been some recent good chats, things were still moving slowly and hubby still wasn’t really meeting my needs.

TheMaster counseled me saying that each day I let pass by without speaking my truth was another wasted day of life. He asked me if hubby had joined me at therapy (yes), and whether hubby had gone to his own therapy (no).  When I expressed my view that these things took time, he disagreed stating that it had only been a short period of time since he expressed to his wife that he wasn’t in love with her.  I was a little taken aback to hear that’s what he had done as he only mentioned via Messenger that things weren’t great.

Only just the previous week, I had been pondering myself about husband and whether we were just friends rather than husband & wife.  We certainly have never attained ‘best friend’ status in my eyes, but we are certainly good friends.  The more I ponder this, the more I feel it is true for us and I wonder if it is true for hubby too, being that our relationship is really only the first major one for both of us.

I certainly love hubby and I’m not saying that I couldn’t fall in love with him again….that’s what a good marriage is though, right?  There’s a quote that I like that says something like “a successful marriage requires falling in love several times, always with the same person”.  We certainly have plenty to lose by parting and but I do wonder if the dreams I’d like to chase are not aligned with our marriage.  I know I need to discuss these things with hubby but I guess I need to be more certain of my own truth too.  At the same time, I do wonder if I am being unfair on hubby that he is unaware of my ponderings?

I am glad I have my wonderful therapist to discuss this with and I intend to do so during our next session.

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8 thoughts on “Enlightenment and Magenta’s Mind-fuckery of Me

  1. Well not IRL (in real life), but IBL (in blog life)…and now that you mention it, I am confused myself. What is the proper term…is it “are related”, “aren’t related”, or could it be either to say one thinks their might be a kinship?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha… you’ll have to excuse my INFJ-factualness.

      I do believe your question should have been “I am beginning to wonder if Magenta and Galadan are related”. To ask if we “aren’t related” = aren’t = are not – “I am beginning to wonder if Magenta and Galadan are not related” which to me, reads that you are wondering that we are not related.
      It may indeed perhaps be easier to ponder whether there is a kinship.
      May I ask what makes you ponder such matters?

      Like

  2. I wrote that I was intrigued by your blog and so I am. I am of a different generation which didn’t sleep around as readily. However, having said that, if you care to read my blog you’ll find that I did in fact cheat on my husband several times throughout our marriage (we are still married.) He only knows about one time. He doesn’t read my blog. I was very much a neglected wife for most of our marriage and became bored. In many ways I’m not sure I ever really loved him. We get along well as friends and have great times together, but as far as deep true love? I don’t think I’ve ever felt that for him. We nearly divorced but he begged me to come back and I did out of loneliness and not sure what I would do or where I would go at that point in my life, plus, our daughter who had previously considered me her best friend as well as mother, was deeply hurt and angry with me. I don’t regret being back with him, but even after counseling he has reverted to many of his old set-in ways. I am submissive to him, but our dynamic is more about sex than s/m or control… and I really crave being controlled and pain and humiliation. I have a very hard time saying to him what I need. He loves me and his love language is to buy me beautiful things like jewelry. We have a gorgeous big home full of art and lovely furnishings and take nice trips.

    I would chuck it all and live in a tiny apartment with a man who held me tightly, read lovely books to me and told me every day he loved me and said sweet things to me. Then spanked the shit out of me! LOL… I know thousands of women would give anything to have what I do, but having possessions means little if you don’t truly own your beloved’s heart and soul.

    May I ask whether you’ve ever actually sat down with your husband and told him what it is you desire? Asked him why he isn’t interested in more intimacy with you? Asked if he might be interested in a D/s relationship with you? I wonder because I am the one who told my husband I craved this. Asked him if he had any interest. He wanted to try… however, he is not a very effective dominant. I believe since he it wasn’t “natural” to him, it comes across as rather contrived. He still tends to “ask” me things instead of telling/demanding me to do things.

    Anyway. Enough about me. Does your husband know you see TheMaster on the side? Or anyone else? I have to wonder how involved he can be in your marriage. I must think about this more!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ms. Angel (may I call you that?),
      I’m terribly sorry I haven’t replied sooner – I do very much appreciate the thought, time and questions asked in your comment.
      I haven’t read much of your blog as yet but I do intend to, just not sure when.
      I have been rather absent from WP this month as I’ve been trying to sort things out a bit more with hubs, and as much as I think things could and will improve, I think I’ve realised my true self isn’t with hubs…..

      And WOW yes your story (as commented here) is incredibly similar to me. Hubs does love me but I am still puzzled as to how he shows it, which I am sure he would find hurtful. I did ask him, out of homework from my therapist, but I didn’t get much of an answer from him and I was unable to press him further at the time. He did used to buy me nice things, when I hinted (sometimes some not so nice things that were a little expensive…the thought was there)….but such things mean nothing to me these days, so I don’t hint. Like you, I too want things that money can’t buy – although I happily buy all I want myself.
      I have also recently thought that hubby & I are more friends than spouses.

      I have been trying to tell hubby what I want but he’s hearing it as all about him and mostly domestic. I guess I was delivering it all about him but have more recently realised that it’s about me more than him.
      Hubby isnt interested in more intimacy out of simply having a much lower sex drive and interest in sex, which he said in a counselling session. I don’t think he’d be interested in D/s with me and I am not interested in that with him – it’s certainly not something I crave. What I crave is to be desired & well fucked, and I am happy for that to include respectul dominance depending on the person. Most certainly from TheMaster.

      Hubby definitely does not know about my Magenta life nor about any playmates. He did say he suspected an affair once and was going to snoop but didn’t – nor did he ask me about it however! So that gives me a question mark on his involvement in our marriage, although one could say the same about me working harder at things.
      As things stand, I do feel my truth is to leave but I am still struggling to find the way to do so at present…..

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you for your very thoughtful and kind reply! I promise I will reply more also at some point, however as my hubs is home from his once monthly work shift we are at present together which only gives me brief moments to myself on WP. Yes, I do see your point and encourage you whilst you’re still young (I’m not) to pursue happiness! Let your husband stay mired in his stagnancy (is that a word?) and do what pleases yourself. Obviously, he cares little to change enough to maintain a decent marriage of any sort with you. Mine is much different. He “thinks” I am very much in love with him but I have lost all desire for him – lost it many years ago. Take good care of yourself, because no one else will do it as well as you can! More to follow at some point! Hugs to you…

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Oh, thank YOU! Interaction, especially from paralleled understanding is always more than appreciated!
        Hugs right back, my friend, and whilst I do understand your view may I challenge that you’re never too old to make yourself happy – pursuing truth & happiness is fucking scary at any age!
        Hubby has been changing actually, he most certainly does care, but I’ve realised that it’s not fair on him when it’s ultimately not what I want…..
        Feel free to email if it’s easier – m.mignon@outlook.com

        Like

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