Yearning, burning with desire
The memory of you makes me throb
Your words make me wet
Second to none, you ignite my soul
and grow my mind
As much as I am present and enjoy silence,
my body screams for you, craves your touch
I am yours, take me
I want your ecstasy, give me your high
You set my world on fire
Let me light up yours
Since our most recent spate of sporadic messaging, things have been more subdued with TheMaster……no doubt due to the craziness of our individual versions of “fucking hell” that we are both working through – not only with the ending of our respective marriages but our wider lives too.
The quietness hasn’t really bothered me at all as I truly appreciate how difficult things must be right now, as my reality has been similar but different.
However, my soul yearns for a wonderful man, who can’t be in my life right now – but I know that he is worth the wait.
My heart aches for him but it does not hurt; it pines, but not with sadness.
He is such a fierce protector, nurturer and carer that he thinks we should say goodbye…..out of fear that his lack of presence hurts me too much – it kills him to think that I hurt.
But I don’t hurt from his lack of presence or response.
Such a statement of his makes my heart swell even more.
Some may call me naive, foolish or accuse me of wearing rose-coloured glasses – but this? This, I feel in my bones.
Magenta: My truth is that I would like to see you this year – whether it is November or any other time. But I am conscious of your fucking hell & health. No expectations or obligations, but that is my truth.
Master: Morning M, I’ll make sure we catch up when you are in town but I think it’s best we agree that should be our goodbye. Whilst I know you are happy with presence, it kills me knowing that you send ten messages to my one. With every non-response, I know it hurts you, and I don’t want to hurt you anymore.
Magenta: I’m sorry it kills you but that is you – it doesn’t kill me. Don’t let something that isn’t true kill you. You don’t hurt me – I know my choices, I moved on from such a while ago. You can choose to walk away if you wish, if that is your truth, but I choose to stay. I’m no crazybitch but I will be here. I’m happy to own my choice.
After writing my last post, I had some further thoughts on my grief.
I am sorry for so very much that led me to leaving my marriage, but I know that despite there being so SO much to lose by leaving….I could not continue knowing that I was not being authentically me – and that I felt unable to be me.
Even though I have always been known for being chatty, the environment that I grew up in unfortunately did not prepare me well for emotional conversations, nor did I get good examples of how to relate to others in such ways. I would even go as far as saying that I very much raised myself from a young age.
Silence was my safety; I could not get hurt if I stayed silent. Thus this became my maladapted behaviour when my safety was threatened in any way.
I recognise that my grief also comes from the failings I perceive….from how I wish I was from the beginning of my relationship with husband – that I wish I could have been more me. However, I wouldn’t be the person I am today had that have been the case.
I am very grateful for all that I have experienced – the good, the bad and the ugly – for it makes me who I am today. But I am also saddened that my marriage is another victim of the failings of my family of origin. I know that there is more to it than just that and I most certainly do not solely place the blame on my lack of upbringing, but it saddens me nonetheless.
I also grieve that the failings of me caused me not to know my husband more. But he is not an easy man to know.
In many ways, husband was what I needed at the time that we courted and married. But, that no longer serves me – and that is okay.
The enormity of the grief was unexpected. The exhaustion too. So much exhaustion.
Whilst I have had extended family members pass away and have been in the presence of grief before, I have most certainly never felt such grief – like what I imagine it to be – before now.
Grief hits at unexpected moments, a memory or thought of things we’d planned. Or doing something that I used to do for him…….wondering who is going to do that for him now. Sometimes even looking at pictures of us can be difficult, not always, but on some days it is.
The grief has surprised me as I made peace with my decision a few months ago and it has been something I deeply pondered for longer. My decision is also something that I have felt strong intuition about. The more I listened to myself and allowed me to hear myself, the more it felt right for me.
I have been praised for my bravery and courage in making such a decision, as well as following through and acting on it. It certainly wasn’t an easy decision to make at all. Some people have definitely been shocked by the news, which was to be expected.
It seems to be when chatting with those whose opinions I value, who are shocked that have sometimes made me question myself. And I do know that nothing is black and white in this world.
But I also know what I want – and as much as it hurts at times, what I want are things that husband never was nor could be.