The grief

The enormity of the grief was unexpected. The exhaustion too. So much exhaustion.

Whilst I have had extended family members pass away and have been in the presence of grief before, I have most certainly never felt such grief – like what I imagine it to be – before now.

Grief hits at unexpected moments, a memory or thought of things we’d planned. Or doing something that I used to do for him…….wondering who is going to do that for him now. Sometimes even looking at pictures of us can be difficult, not always, but on some days it is.

The grief has surprised me as I made peace with my decision a few months ago and it has been something I deeply pondered for longer. My decision is also something that I have felt strong intuition about. The more I listened to myself and allowed me to hear myself, the more it felt right for me.

I have been praised for my bravery and courage in making such a decision, as well as following through and acting on it. It certainly wasn’t an easy decision to make at all. Some people have definitely been shocked by the news, which was to be expected.

It seems to be when chatting with those whose opinions I value, who are shocked that have sometimes made me question myself.  And I do know that nothing is black and white in this world.

But I also know what I want – and as much as it hurts at times, what I want are things that husband never was nor could be.

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20 thoughts on “The grief

  1. Your bravery was great but courage greater. You knew the decision would have a greater effect, and you still persevered through. There is bound to be grief over loss, but there does not have to be regret for doing what was right, even though it causes some grief.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. You are so very welcome. You realized what you needed to do, and took the chance to so many can’t or won’t. The grief and pain will pass until you are finally able to breathe deep and not feel the weight of that elephant sitting on your chest.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Walker, but I must respond to your comment of knowing that I am “intentionally hurting someone” – unfortunately it was a case of continuing to hurt myself or hurting husband but now I have hurt both of us. Perhaps your comment wasn’t intended in the negative light that I have received it in and I’m not articulating particularly well right now….I don’t know what else to say but yes I will be fine. It is a choice, not everyone has the strength to make such choices but I do right now and I am doing everything to ensure that I will be more than fine. I have much to give to the world and I owe it to those who are unable to choose – I owe it to life itself.

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      1. Oh my God. If I ever made a grave mistake while writing, this was it!

        I meant to write – “and know that you are “not” intentionally hurting someone, you should be fine”. The entire meaning changed.

        I sincerely apologize.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. And I stand by you. I am firm believer that only the person himself/herself knows what is best for them and often times continue to hurt themselves in an attempt to ‘save’ someone else, in the end betraying everyone’s happiness. If you can make a decision and stay firm without blaming yourself, I am all for it.

        Here’s me giving you a super tight hug and clapping along as you walk with your head held high.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s right to grieve a loss. Let it flow. Better out than stifled within. You need to make room for a new life’s path; the grieving is part of creating fresh space for it to grow… πŸ™πŸΌβ€

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Most definitely, couldn’t agree more. Acknowledging all of what you think & feel – the good and the bad – allows you to grow more easily and also enjoy the present, which is such a gift. Thanks for stopping by πŸ’–

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh girl…seriously have tears running down my face as I write this. This pierced right threw me and my heart feels like it’s in a deadlock. I’ve thought these same words, written them, although not as eloquently, and my god have I felt them. This is a love like most can never understand. The hardest thing I’ve ever done is walk out the door on a the most amazing man I’ve ever met. It takes so much courage and strength and love, despite the fact that feels all the contrary.
    Thank you for sharing this. I know it hurt to write. I felt it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow, thank you! I actually don’t think it’s my best written piece but I had to get the words out. I must read more of your blog, I can’t recall how I came across it but I noticed the Elephant Journal mentions & I’m a huge fan of Elephant Journal πŸ˜€
      Thanks for the follow & discussion!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Haha wow! Well you’ll notice several links/ references to EJ pieces, my reflections on the questions or topics written about. I’m so glad I found you too & I look forward to reading more of yours!

        Liked by 1 person

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