After writing my last post, I had some further thoughts on my grief.
I am sorry for so very much that led me to leaving my marriage, but I know that despite there being so SO much to lose by leaving….I could not continue knowing that I was not being authentically me – and that I felt unable to be me.
Even though I have always been known for being chatty, the environment that I grew up in unfortunately did not prepare me well for emotional conversations, nor did I get good examples of how to relate to others in such ways. I would even go as far as saying that I very much raised myself from a young age.
Silence was my safety; I could not get hurt if I stayed silent. Thus this became my maladapted behaviour when my safety was threatened in any way.
I recognise that my grief also comes from the failings I perceive….from how I wish I was from the beginning of my relationship with husband – that I wish I could have been more me. However, I wouldn’t be the person I am today had that have been the case.
I am very grateful for all that I have experienced – the good, the bad and the ugly – for it makes me who I am today. But I am also saddened that my marriage is another victim of the failings of my family of origin. I know that there is more to it than just that and I most certainly do not solely place the blame on my lack of upbringing, but it saddens me nonetheless.
I also grieve that the failings of me caused me not to know my husband more. But he is not an easy man to know.
In many ways, husband was what I needed at the time that we courted and married. But, that no longer serves me – and that is okay.