Since our most recent spate of sporadic messaging, things have been more subdued with TheMaster……no doubt due to the craziness of our individual versions of “fucking hell” that we are both working through – not only with the ending of our respective marriages but our wider lives too.
The quietness hasn’t really bothered me at all as I truly appreciate how difficult things must be right now, as my reality has been similar but different.
However, my soul yearns for a wonderful man, who can’t be in my life right now – but I know that he is worth the wait.
My heart aches for him but it does not hurt; it pines, but not with sadness.
He is such a fierce protector, nurturer and carer that he thinks we should say goodbye…..out of fear that his lack of presence hurts me too much – it kills him to think that I hurt.
But I don’t hurt from his lack of presence or response.
Such a statement of his makes my heart swell even more.
Some may call me naive, foolish or accuse me of wearing rose-coloured glasses – but this? This, I feel in my bones.
Magenta: My truth is that I would like to see you this year – whether it is November or any other time. But I am conscious of your fucking hell & health. No expectations or obligations, but that is my truth.
Master: Morning M, I’ll make sure we catch up when you are in town but I think it’s best we agree that should be our goodbye. Whilst I know you are happy with presence, it kills me knowing that you send ten messages to my one. With every non-response, I know it hurts you, and I don’t want to hurt you anymore.
Magenta: I’m sorry it kills you but that is you – it doesn’t kill me. Don’t let something that isn’t true kill you. You don’t hurt me – I know my choices, I moved on from such a while ago. You can choose to walk away if you wish, if that is your truth, but I choose to stay. I’m no crazybitch but I will be here. I’m happy to own my choice.