He has never written an essay and, glimpsing the enormity of the email, it took me a few minutes to bring myself to read it. I messaged a friend immediately, saying I couldn’t breathe.
Then I read the email. I couldn’t stop shaking. I’m so grateful I have a good workmate who knows fair a bit of the tale.
Ever since I left my pretty little garden and walked through the gate, whenever I have had emotional moments, all I have ever wanted is to be held whilst I sobbed. Not to be comforted with words or to talk or be told that things will be better etc etc. Just to be allowed to let it all out and be. My dear, dear friend allowed me to do just that and it was bliss.
A few things make sense about him now, why a certain painting and songs were his favourite……I fear detailing them here will reveal too much but it is all rather poetic yet bittersweet.
Good Morning Magenta,
I apologise for the very delayed response, it has been somewhat hectic around here with me falling rather ill and spending some time in hospital. I seem to be over this now.
Well, I figured the best thing to do is be 100% up front about everything, that way the air is clear and you can make your decision how you wish. This is somewhat a longish story, so bare with me.
Twelve years ago, I worked for Company X. I was also living with my GF (future wife) and Company X was her family’s business. In my position, I looked after a number of clients and one of my clients was a young lady named Nikki. We initially flirted, but nothing happened until she actually text me and asked me out. I told her the situation, I was in a relationship that was not great and was somewhat on the rock – all of this was true.
We began having an affair, an affair that saw me fall madly in love with her within weeks, and her feelings were mutual. I truthfully lost track of how long the affair lasted, I think it was just over 9 months, could be longer, I was in a whirlwind. Nikki started to become frustrated that I was still in my shit relationship and she basically asked me to make a decision…I regrettably chickened out of ending my relationship with my GF, all because I worked for her family’s business. I was unhappy and I should have left, but I didn’t. Nikki was heart broken, and went out and tried to get over me by having a one-night stand….she fell pregnant!!
So I came clean to the GF about everything and explained that Nikki was pregnant, and we suspect it was mine. Plenty of tears and yelling took place, however, she didn’t want to break-up…no idea why, but she had her reasons.
The baby was born and DNA testing took place, both Nikki and I were still madly in love, but we were just being friends. The results showed her little girl was not mine. We were both broken as a result.
Nikki couldn’t just be friends, and I was struggling with it as well, so we planned to meet up and discuss things. On the day we were meant to meet, I rang to confirm place and time, her phone had been disconnected. Nikki decided to vanish, it was just all too hard for her.
I went onto marry the now soon to be ex-wife. We had an okay relationship, but I thought about Nikki on a weekly basis, wondering how she was, how her little girl was and so on.
Whilst I had cheated on the wife with Nikki, prior to marriage, this was the only time I had ever done such a thing, and I discovered how good sex can be, it didn’t need to be boring and predictable as it had been and continued to be with the wife. Nikki taught me how to fuck!
My train of though was “I’m only thinking about Nikki, because the sex was just amazing”, so eventually I started to drift again, having casual sex here and there, I found it wasn’t really helping at all. I stopped and self satisfied I guess.
This didn’t last long, my next thinking was “casual, with some friendship” – as you know, this has had some disaster moments with crazy bitches, but also amazing on other occasions – you being an amazing example.
Unfortunately, Nikki has never left my mind or heart. My depressive state of mind was a combination of being in an unhappy relationship and pining for a person who I lost 10-12 years ago.
I then received a Facebook friend request from Nikki…….my heart went from 60bpm, to well over 150bpm. I accepted and we had a brief conversation – This occurred in April 2017.
I left the family home, because I wanted to be with Nikki, and I didn’t want to put her through the crap again. We have started seeing each other, very slowly. Whilst my heart hurts because I don’t get to see my beautiful children very often, due to their mother being a Grade A bitch, another part of my heart is filling back up due to my relationship with Nikki.
My marriage fell apart because I was unhappy and with someone that didn’t give me what I needed from them, and they had no desire to change, she wanted things her way. This attitude was created by me, because I allowed her to treat our relationship so poorly, for way too long. Whilst I was/am a provider for my family, I wasn’t a great husband.
This is the tough part, because it’ll sound a bit wanky, but I’ll say it;
I really like you, and I had actually wiped all of my playmates because none compared to you, and had Nikki not re-entered my life, I can honestly say the answer was a “fuck yes” to getting to know each other better and who knows, but Nikki is in my life, and I believe she is my soul mate and I will never betray her in anyway. I have been very open with Nikki about my indiscretions, and she knows of you – but no personal details, she just knows I was very fond of you and described you as a very cool person who was “scary smart“.
I’m not sure where this now puts you Maggie, but you deserved 100% honesty from me, because you are gorgeous inside and out. I hope you don’t hate me for not being more open earlier, and I am very sorry for not telling you earlier, my head has just been in and out of the clouds, mainly in relations to the kids and barely getting to see them over the Christmas holidays.