In search of 20/20 vision….

Here we are, one quarter of the year gone.

Much achieved but it also feels so little. I have been absent here for a long time, but I have realised recently how much I need to write. I should journal privately for personal growth and many reasons, more than I sporadically do……but I really do enjoy sharing and pondering questions here.

So here I am. I don’t know how often I will write, but I do have stories to share (some I promised a while ago) and questions to put out into the ether.

I took a life break almost two years ago and whilst I have done SO, soooo much in that time, had many experiences and have definitely had growth and lessons……I still feel a bit same same.

And I feel guilt and shame for this. For not doing more. For not being more. For still lacking direction in my life. But perhaps that’s what made me feel like my soul was dying before. Being so set. Following a path almost blindly. Although there were many adventures, it was a standard white-picket-fence life. And I am not a standard white-picket-fence kinda gal.

I do see the value in having structure, comfort and familiarity – especially when doing new things that are scary and challenge societal norms. I recognise that I need a balance of familiar and unfamiliar.

So….in search of 20/20 vision (which, can we be honest….does anyone ever get that in their life, ever?) here I am.

Here to ponder. Showing up for myself. Because right now, that is what I need the most.

I do hope to get back into reading more in the WP community that I shared in previously, but so much has changed that I don’t know where to start catching up on things.

It feels selfish to not know as much about my readers but I aim to ask myself things more and reflect on the answers that I find. I hope to be helpful in this way.

Oxygen masks & the eternal dilemma

What do you do when you can’t hold space for someone who needs you?

When you feel so triggered by someone that most interactions leave you feeling powerless, frozen, stuck? But this is also someone you love, family.

How does one sit with, resolve and let go of the feelings of guilt and all the rest of it?

I know that when you are struggling to breathe yourself, you must always fit your oxygen mask first.

It is a struggle, though.

The New Manifesto

I’ve spoken about struggling with intuition in the past. I think it’s no surprise that I struggle with a ‘monkey mind’ much like many of us. I recently came up with these simple questions and thought it was apt to update my manifesto.

Such questions are easy to use in a variety of scenarios;

Does it feel safe?

Does it feel good?

Does it feel right?

In line with another principle that strongly resonates with me, that I have touched on before….if it’s not a “fuck yes”, then it’s a no.

French Lessons

A text exchange with MonsieurMiam.

Magenta: Ça va?

MM: Good and you?

{after googling some words/phrases to translate horny}
Magenta: Viceloque 😏

MM: Hein ?
{one instance of his use of dotting in French words…. I discovered hein means huh}

Magenta: Cochonne? 🤔 ou chaud la braise?
Magenta: Tell me the right word 🤷🏻‍♀️  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Magenta: Excité?

MM: Ahah!
MM: Excitée  ; )
MM: 😋

Magenta: Oui 😏

MM: Why?
MM: ^^    **

Magenta: Why not?
Magenta: Toujours si je me souviens de toi :p
{always if I remember you}

MM: Ahah I like that 😘

Magenta: Please say yes to an adventure before you go home? *

MM: Yes I want  ; )  **

Magenta: 🤩

* Fingers crossed….sometime next year….to be continued
** I find it curious that French friends (not just MM) seem to use a mix of typed emoji and actual emojis, typically just  ^^    (I believe to be interpreted as a grin) and winky face ; )


I haven’t spoken of this explicitly yet, despite having intended to since the beginning of this year (where tf has this year gone???). I recently learned a French word for me/my “lifestyle” that I love much more than its English counterpart – echangiste.

Yes, I am a single swinger. A unicorn to some (I am not adverse to this title but I understand why many are – I have yet to have a bad experience as a unicorn).

I wouldn’t describe myself as poly-amorous but I do believe that love is not a finite resource. The phrase “love slut” does resonate with me and I do very much enjoy the open-minded world of the “ethically non-monogamous”.

I have existed in this world for the past 12 months and during this time I have made many wonderful connections and new friends. My mind has been opened; many stereotypes broken; confidence and self-love grown; along with plenty of growth in self-knowledge, communication skills and general knowledge – both in relation to general life as well as the echangiste lifestyle.

The lifestyle is certainly different to the picture that society often paints. I love that there are many people from all walks of life who exist in this world, there really is no typical “echangiste”.  And there are certainly many ‘flavours’ of the lifestyle – how individuals view and partake, whether coupled or single.  One of the greatest things I love about the community, is the general acceptance of all beings – everyone in all shapes, sizes and sexual orientations.

The more people I meet who enjoy the lifestyle and community, the more I feel that I want to stay in this lifestyle in some way once I am ready to date.  This is definitely something I never would’ve thought would interest me……but here I am!

What I seek, an addendum

This. All of this ❤


You deserve to be loved fiercely.

You deserve to be loved by a man who knows how to love hard.

A man who looks at you like you are made of magic. The kind of shimmering magic that you feel when you are standing knee deep in Balinese water and the blue-glowing phosphorescence whisks about your feet after midnight—a beach-side bonfire roaring 20 feet behind you.

A man who prefers date night to consist of you, a fireplace, little to no clothing and the kind of soul-f***ing that happens when your limbs are intertwined and the depth of your conversation becomes the entertainment for the night.

A man who understands that love is shown through the little things.

A man who does the dishes not as a martyr, but as someone who sees organizing your environment as an act of love in itself. A man who fills up your car’s gas tank because he knows how much you dislike doing it. A man who leaves 10-word love notes for you to find scattered throughout your life—and not because it’s Valentine’s Day, but just because it’s Tuesday.

……..And when the tough times inevitably roll through your shared lives, make sure you marry a man who can look deeply into your eyes and say, “We’ve got this. We’re going to make it through. You have nothing to worry about.”

A man who wants nothing more than to assist in the ever-expanding greatness of your life. He is not threatened by your successes; he relishes them.

He doesn’t get jealous when other people check you out; he knows at a bone-deep level how much of a prize you are.


The lover/partner I seek

…..wherever you are, whoever you may be, I hope we find each other ❤

I want you to be a fuck yes. To laugh with me, laugh at me, make me laugh and enjoy my laughter.

I want you to have a beautiful smile, with eyes that light up. I want you to have a warm embracing hug; and a soft, delicate touch but also to grab me cheekily when appropriate. I want you to be as cheeky as I am and to understand my cheekiness. I want you to enjoy similar music – and enjoy a sexy playlist to groove to for sexy times.

I want to feel naturally compelled to compliment you – how you are, the way you dress, your natural scent, how attractive you are to me, your kind nature and amazing mind. I want you to be beautiful and sexy and gorgeous and cute.

I want you to enjoy the different sides of me – various ways I like to dress. I want you to enjoy me dressing up – as much for me as it is for you. I want you to compliment me more than your friends or family; and more than my friends or family. I want to see it in your eyes and on your face – you checking me out, devouring me with your eyes. I want others to notice how you look at me. I want you to call me sexy and cute and beautiful and hot. I want you to think that I am a spunk – whatever your version of that is.

I want you to see my smarts and caring nature and kindness too. I want you to adore my body and my crazy mind. I want you to reply to others when they comment on you being lucky to have me in your life. And I want to be able to reply how lucky I am too.

I want you to want to explore the world with me – adventures both near and far. I want you to explore my world, study it, learn about where I came from and what makes me me. I want you to know me. I want you to care to call me out on my bullshit. To make me question whether I am holding true to my values. I want to know your world, what it’s made of, what you value, what makes you excited like a kid at Christmas. I want to know what you wanted to be when you were little. I want to know what gets you out of bed or keeps you awake until way past your bed time.

I want you to know how to care and nurture – to be able to, and want to, take care of me when I am unwell. I want you to be thoughtful – to think of and notice the little details. Things that I like and enjoy. Things that get my attention.

I want you to ask me if I’ve eaten – do I need dinner or lunch or coffee? I want you to care about health and wellness – about eating well and good. I want you to care about what may or may not be in your food. I want you to understand how food affects how you feel and perform and affects your health. But back on thoughtfulness, I want you to be uber thoughtful – to want to offer that level of support to me; to think of things that will help me, make me smile. To set up a disco in the lounge when I want to go out dancing but can’t. I want you to know that I would 100% love something hand made and thoughtful – just for me – over anything you can buy in a store any day of the week.

I want you to spoil me with affection and attention. I want you to enjoy affection as much as I do. I want you to enjoy play world or be open to exploring play world with me. I want to be able to talk about intimate matters and sex with you comfortably and openly. I want you to love to talk about anything and everything with me – all the weird, whacky and wonderful. I want you to prefer talking with me or learning new things or reading over watching mindless TV, although happily indulging in the odd mindless TV binge on occasion. I want you to be interested in personalities, people, how people communicate and what makes them tick. I want you to be interested in or understanding and accepting of “woo woo”.

I want you to share my love of Latino music and interest in learning Latin dance. Or any style of dance. I want you to understand my love of fitness and weight training and the struggle to stay consistent. I’d love for you to enjoy weight training or some sort of fitness pursuit.

I want you to have a good level of emotional intelligence and to strive to be better at EQ, alongside me. I want you to be interested in personal development, mindset and growth. I want you to be curious and kind. I want you to be aware of hunting your demons and darkness, despite how scary that can be. I want you to understand that the only way out is through. The light is only at the end of the tunnel – you must get through it to find the light.

I want you to tell me what you want, without expectation. I want to be able to tell you what I want – even the stuff you struggle to understand. I want you to want to understand. And I want to understand your wants and desires too. I want to remember that you can’t read my mind, but you yearn to understand me as much as I yearn to understand you.

I want you to enjoy lying out under the stars with me. Gazing at the night sky and infinite possibilities. I want you to enjoy savouring the beauty of nature with me, finding beauty and gratitude in every day.

I want you to be grateful for finding me and I want to be grateful for finding you.

Dear Me – the caterpillar

Browsing past blogs for some writing inspiration and decided to read this post…. WOW.

So needing to see these words right now.

Magenta & Me

Following on from my previous post, this letter is from my future self…..setting intentions with the new moon.

**I originally wrote this letter to Magenta, but realised that Magenta will not exist in my future. Magenta is only a stepping stone on the path to creating Me.

Write a repair letter, a love letter, or a gratitude letter to a past/present/future version of you, to others who have shaped and deeply impacted your life, or to those you have unfinished business with. You know the letter I speak of—it is the one you carry in your heart, that writes itself in those “in-between” moments, the one that you would write if only you were brave and honest enough. – via Elephant Journal

Dear 2017 Me  – the caterpillar,

I know that you have been working a lot on yourself over the last few years, which has definitely reached a peak at…

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Lost and Found

Here I sit: day in, day out
Fighting my fears and my doubts
Drowning in stuck and hate

Feeling lighter and heavier day by day
Letting go but being weighed down
Always smiling, but fighting the frown

Needing to remember my own lessons – patience, presence, practicing self love

Where do you look when you don’t know what you’re looking for? When you aren’t afraid of the dark but the dark seems to suffocate you?