YOU are nobody’s option

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A dear friend sent me these words today after I told her of receiving a text message from TheMaster simply stating “Hope you are doing well”. Sigh. Le sigh. I mean, srsly? WTAF.

On Valentine’s day no less. I wonder what Nikki would think of such a text?

After the full moon lunar eclipse I decided in the end, I don’t need to speak to him, but we have communicated a little since my last update.

I have many a post to publish (many a minxy adventure has gotten in the way of posting I’m afraid!) but just wanted to pop by to post these words……for anyone who needs to hear them, especially on Valentine’s Day. Not that I am much of a V-Day gal at all.

Happy V-Day, lovers. A reminder from your friendly neighbourhood mystic minx, YOU are nobody’s option.

And neither am I.

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The woman in the cafe

I witnessed a incredible woman today, sitting in a cafe with her baby – 5 weeks old, I learned when another patron asked.  She was with a man who I assumed was her partner, I didn’t really get to glimpse him but….oh my, they had an amazing energy – I could just feel it.  This woman was incredibly beautiful to me, I think most people would consider her so, but she wasn’t someone you’d call a classic beauty and I think it would be denigrating to describe her as ‘girl next door’-type….she was something else altogether.

Eyes full of life and love – completely sparkling, she seemed ethereal. No typical signs of being a new mother at all, she seemed to be utterly in her element in life, in that moment.

I desperately wanted to pause and tell her how magical I thought she was, but the cafe was tiny and crowded.  I went to the bathroom before leaving and she was gone before I could muster the courage to speak my words.

Beautiful, magical, mystical woman……thank you for projecting your energy into the world…..it was such a delight to witness and I am glad that I did.

TheMaster No More

Following on from my previous post….TheMaster replied to me a couple of weeks after my email. I saw the reply just before lunch time and my heart stopped.

He has never written an essay and, glimpsing the enormity of the email, it took me a few minutes to bring myself to read it. I messaged a friend immediately, saying I couldn’t breathe.

Then I read the email. I couldn’t stop shaking. I’m so grateful I have a good workmate who knows fair a bit of the tale.

Ever since I left my pretty little garden and walked through the gate, whenever I have had emotional moments, all I have ever wanted is to be held whilst I sobbed. Not to be comforted with words or to talk or be told that things will be better etc etc. Just to be allowed to let it all out and be. My dear, dear friend allowed me to do just that and it was bliss.

A few things make sense about him now, why a certain painting and songs were his favourite……I fear detailing them here will reveal too much but it is all rather poetic yet bittersweet.

Good Morning Magenta,

I apologise for the very delayed response, it has been somewhat hectic around here with me falling rather ill and spending some time in hospital. I seem to be over this now.
Well, I figured the best thing to do is be 100% up front about everything, that way the air is clear and you can make your decision how you wish. This is somewhat a longish story, so bare with me.

Twelve years ago, I worked for Company X. I was also living with my GF (future wife) and Company X was her family’s business. In my position, I looked after a number of clients and one of my clients was a young lady named Nikki. We initially flirted, but nothing happened until she actually text me and asked me out. I told her the situation, I was in a relationship that was not great and was somewhat on the rock – all of this was true.
We began having an affair, an affair that saw me fall madly in love with her within weeks, and her feelings were mutual. I truthfully lost track of how long the affair lasted, I think it was just over 9 months, could be longer, I was in a whirlwind. Nikki started to become frustrated that I was still in my shit relationship and she basically asked me to make a decision…I regrettably chickened out of ending my relationship with my GF, all because I worked for her family’s business. I was unhappy and I should have left, but I didn’t. Nikki was heart broken, and went out and tried to get over me by having a one-night stand….she fell pregnant!!

So I came clean to the GF about everything and explained that Nikki was pregnant, and we suspect it was mine. Plenty of tears and yelling took place, however, she didn’t want to break-up…no idea why, but she had her reasons.

The baby was born and DNA testing took place, both Nikki and I were still madly in love, but we were just being friends. The results showed her little girl was not mine. We were both broken as a result.

Nikki couldn’t just be friends, and I was struggling with it as well, so we planned to meet up and discuss things. On the day we were meant to meet, I rang to confirm place and time, her phone had been disconnected. Nikki decided to vanish, it was just all too hard for her.

I went onto marry the now soon to be ex-wife. We had an okay relationship, but I thought about Nikki on a weekly basis, wondering how she was, how her little girl was and so on.

Whilst I had cheated on the wife with Nikki, prior to marriage, this was the only time I had ever done such a thing, and I discovered how good sex can be, it didn’t need to be boring and predictable as it had been and continued to be with the wife. Nikki taught me how to fuck!

My train of though was “I’m only thinking about Nikki, because the sex was just amazing”, so eventually I started to drift again, having casual sex here and there, I found it wasn’t really helping at all. I stopped and self satisfied I guess.

This didn’t last long, my next thinking was “casual, with some friendship” – as you know, this has had some disaster moments with crazy bitches, but also amazing on other occasions – you being an amazing example.

Unfortunately, Nikki has never left my mind or heart. My depressive state of mind was a combination of being in an unhappy relationship and pining for a person who I lost 10-12 years ago.

I then received a Facebook friend request from Nikki…….my heart went from 60bpm, to well over 150bpm. I accepted and we had a brief conversation – This occurred in April 2017.

I left the family home, because I wanted to be with Nikki, and I didn’t want to put her through the crap again. We have started seeing each other, very slowly. Whilst my heart hurts because I don’t get to see my beautiful children very often, due to their mother being a Grade A bitch, another part of my heart is filling back up due to my relationship with Nikki.

My marriage fell apart because I was unhappy and with someone that didn’t give me what I needed from them, and they had no desire to change, she wanted things her way. This attitude was created by me, because I allowed her to treat our relationship so poorly, for way too long. Whilst I was/am a provider for my family, I wasn’t a great husband.

This is the tough part, because it’ll sound a bit wanky, but I’ll say it;

I really like you, and I had actually wiped all of my playmates because none compared to you, and had Nikki not re-entered my life, I can honestly say the answer was a “fuck yes” to getting to know each other better and who knows, but Nikki is in my life, and I believe she is my soul mate and I will never betray her in anyway. I have been very open with Nikki about my indiscretions, and she knows of you – but no personal details, she just knows I was very fond of you and described you as a very cool person who was “scary smart“.

I’m not sure where this now puts you Maggie, but you deserved 100% honesty from me, because you are gorgeous inside and out. I hope you don’t hate me for not being more open earlier, and I am very sorry for not telling you earlier, my head has just been in and out of the clouds, mainly in relations to the kids and barely getting to see them over the Christmas holidays.

Master xx

I Hate You, I Love You

I want to preface this post with a note to say that I’m not feeling melancholic or bitter at all in the present moment.  I had actually thought of this song on a few occasions during the course of my journey with TheMaster.  I heard it again today and wanted to post it.  I am yet to speak to TheMaster and I certainly don’t literally hate him but there are elements of such feelings.

And really, I just love this song.

Some of the lyrics that truly speak to me, in relation to TheMaster, are ones I have highlighted in some way below.  A reminder that I am typically a literal, analytical INFJ but I want to state for the record that some of the lyrics aren’t ones I identify with at all in relation to TheMaster.

I don’t feel that I need or needed him…..wanted, yes absolutely.  I don’t identify with the harsh bitterness in these lyrics nor the creepy behaviour (watching you etc…yes taking it literally) but I do hate that I loved him.  It feels a bit silly in parts but I do think that I felt that.  I hate that I haven’t come across anyone who I’d put above him yet…..in terms of fucking at least, but that is a hard one to judge because perhaps the sex seemed so good due to my initial infatuation.  I also have yet to communicate with anyone in the same manner as some of my favourite conversations with him.

I do hate that I want him but he wants her and needs her. I’m happy being me though, I don’t want to be anyone else.

I do miss him. And sometimes I can’t sleep or eat. I definitely got attached when it was fucking around. Friends can definitely break your heart too.

Caution tape is absolutely being placed around my heart. I do wonder what he wondered, if anything….which he clearly did on the odd occasion.

I absolutely, 100% do know that I control my thoughts and I should stop reminiscing.

But most definitely, if I were him I would never let me go.

via Exposed Lyrics
[Verse 1: Olivia O’Brien]
Feeling used
But I’m
Still missing you
And I can’t
See the end of this
Just wanna feel your kiss
Against my lips
And now all this time
Is passing by
But I still can’t seem to tell you why
It hurts me every time I see you
Realize how much I need you

[Hook: Olivia O’Brien]
I hate you I love you
I hate that I love you
Don’t want to, but I can’t put
Nobody else above you
I hate you I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I’ll never be her

[Verse 2: Gnash]
I miss you when I can’t sleep
Or right after coffee
Or right when I can’t eat
I miss you in my front seat
Still got sand in my sweaters
From nights we don’t remember
Do you miss me like I miss you?
Fucked around and got attached to you
Friends can break your heart too, and
I’m always tired but never of you
If I pulled a you on you, you wouldn’t like that shit
I put this reel out, but you wouldn’t bite that shit
I type a text but then I never mind that shit
I got these feelings but you never mind that shit
Oh oh, keep it on the low
You’re still in love with me but your friends don’t know
If u wanted me you would just say so
And if I were you, I would never let me go
I don’t mean no harm
I just miss you on my arm
Wedding bells were just alarms
Caution tape around my heart
You ever wonder what we could have been?
You said you wouldn’t and you fucking did
Lie to me, lie with me, get your fucking fix
Now all my drinks and all my feelings are all fucking mixed
Always missing people that I shouldn’t be missing
Sometimes you gotta burn some bridges just to create some distance
I know that I control my thoughts and I should stop reminiscing
But I learned from my dad that it’s good to have feelings
When love and trust are gone
I guess this is moving on
Everyone I do right does me wrong
So every lonely night, I sing this song

[Hook: Olivia O’Brien and Gnash]
I hate you I love you
I hate that I love you
Don’t want to, but I can’t put
Nobody else above you
I hate you I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I’ll never be her

[Bridge: Olivia O’ Brien and Gnash]
All alone I watch you watch her
Like she’s the only girl you’ve ever seen
You don’t care you never did
You don’t give a damn about me
Yeah all alone I watch you watch her
She’s the only thing you’ve ever seen
How is it you never notice
That you are slowly killing me

[Hook: Olivia O’Brien]
I hate you I love you
I hate that I love you
Don’t want to, but I can’t put
Nobody else above you
I hate you I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I’ll never be her

New Year, New Anthem/s

I am alive. I am here. I am more than alive. And happy new year to you.

Much to catch up on, I do apologise I have been rather manic Magenta of late (divorce and illness will do that to you) and I have been very much missing the musings of my favourite blogs as well as publishing my own tales (4 drafts, no less – a LOT to catch up on).

I must update about TheMaster. A pretty huge update, which will take me some time to reflect on how to post about it. I wish I could post about it in its entirety but I fear it would compromise his anonymity. I will say for now that he is TheMaster no more. Well, he will always be TheMaster to Magenta, but his heart belongs to another. Rather poetic yet bittersweet.  I hope that we will be friends but we have yet to have that conversation.

I may have touched on some of these to come already but I may as well put it here so I push myself to finish these drafts and post! Posts to come are:

Keeping Up with TheJoneses
TheItalian Job
The Perks of Being a Unicorn
The Sunday Sesh

Now, onto my anthems….. “Just do you” came out of a wonderful weekend connecting with a couple of girlfriends. I have been seeing this a lot. I am listening and I am heeding the signs. Me first – light my fire so I can spread the light.

The other anthem I discovered is this beautiful track by Syde featuring Olivia Reid. Lyrics below. So poignant for me right now.  I do feel brand new. And I am on the way to do what I’m meant to do.

[Verse 1]
Free
Freedom to be whoever I wanna be
See whatever I wanna see
Breathe the air that I wanna breathe
Feels like my life is a dream
Where I don’t need you to believe in me

[Chorus]
‘Cause, oh, I feel brand new
And I love the view
I’m on my way to do
What I’m meant to do
‘Cause, oh, I feel brand new
And I love the view
I’m on my way to do
What I’m meant to do

[Verse 2]
I wanna wake up the light in my eyes
Goin’ blind ’cause darlin’ our future’s too bright
Running on my own world tour
Country, country, more and more
Wrong turn here, right turn there
I can lead myself anywhere
Love you to the moon and back again
Best believe I mean what I said
Free to fall, every now and then
Take a chance, every chance I can
Running, running, and I’m gone
A dreamer chasin’ the sun
My journey’s just begun
See where I can run

[Bridge]
I want to run through the rain
And no more songs about love or ’bout pain
I keep my head up, above the clouds
‘Cause I got no time to be brought down

[Chorus]
‘Cause, oh, I feel brand new
And I love the view
I’m on my way to do
What I’m meant to do

[Bridge]
I want to run through the rain
And no more songs about love or ’bout pain
I keep my head up, above the clouds
‘Cause I got no time to be brought down

On love

I’ve recently discovered an amazing writer and came across this description of love that he had written, which really resonated with me:

I completely agree that hate is best broken down by spreading more love.

I love the first line of the above paragraph:

Love is that feeling where great desire mixes with a deep connection of belonging and acceptance.

I have been contemplating whether it is possible to truly know whether you really feel love for someone (as opposed to lust or idealised infatuation) when you don’t know them very well, and I think the above really helps clarify that for me.

A “deep connection of belonging and acceptance”, in my eyes, can be summed up by a feeling of somewhere or someone who feels like home.

As someone who grew up without ever truly identifying with a place or person that felt “like home” until I was an adult, I do believe I can honestly say that my feelings of “home” aren’t laced with memories and child-like wonder.

For me, home is where the heart is.

When you quieten your mind and surrender to the silence, what do you feel? What does your soul tell you?

When your energy flows freely and you have balanced chi, what answers are unveiled?

When you connect with someone who feels like “home” (where you belong and feel accepted), whether that connection is platonic or romantic, why is there so much fear in showing love? In giving love? In spreading love?

Although I guess the fear isn’t in the actions, but in labeling such actions vocally as love.

If we desire to quash the spread of hate in the world, why be so quiet about love?

I do genuinely ask this, as I continue to heal and ponder my future romantic love – as someone with virtually zero relationship experience apart from my marriage. If you truly feel love in your bones, in your soul, in the very essence of your being…..if you are able to give your love freely, without expectation of it being returned….if your giving of love doesn’t have conditions (….because they love me……because they put me up on a pedestal..) then why not shout your love from the rooftops, so to speak?

If your love makes someone uneasy or afraid, then they are not ready for your love.

Sure it may hurt that your love is not returned, but you just need to love yourself harder.

Keep filling our own cup.  Nourishing yourself. Loving yourself.

Because your vibe attracts your tribe – and when you are shining so luminously, you will also become a beacon, brightening the world…..spreading light….

And with so much light, it’s much harder for the dark to set in.

Shine brightly, my friends x