Cravings

Yearning, burning with desire
The memory of you makes me throb
Your words make me wet

Second to none, you ignite my soul
and grow my mind

As much as I am present and enjoy silence,
my body screams for you, craves your touch

I am yours, take me
Feed me
Fuck me

I want your ecstasy, give me your high
You set my world on fire

Let me light up  yours

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Please don’t go

Since our most recent spate of sporadic messaging, things have been more subdued with TheMaster……no doubt due to the craziness of our individual versions of “fucking hell” that we are both working through – not only with the ending of our respective marriages but our wider lives too.

The quietness hasn’t really bothered me at all as I truly appreciate how difficult things must be right now, as my reality has been similar but different.

However, my soul yearns for a wonderful man, who can’t be in my life right now – but I know that he is worth the wait.

My heart aches for him but it does not hurt; it pines, but not with sadness.

He is such a fierce protector, nurturer and carer that he thinks we should say goodbye…..out of fear that his lack of presence hurts me too much – it kills him to think that I hurt.

But I don’t hurt from his lack of presence or response.

Such a statement of his makes my heart swell even more.

Some may call me naive, foolish or accuse me of wearing rose-coloured glasses – but this? This, I feel in my bones.

Magenta: My truth is that I would like to see you this year – whether it is November or any other time.  But I am conscious of your fucking hell & health.  No expectations or obligations, but that is my truth.

Master: Morning M, I’ll make sure we catch up when you are in town but I think it’s best we agree that should be our goodbye.  Whilst I know you are happy with presence, it kills me knowing that you send ten messages to my one.  With every non-response, I know it hurts you, and I don’t want to hurt you anymore.

Magenta: I’m sorry it kills you but that is you – it doesn’t kill me.  Don’t let something that isn’t true kill you.  You don’t hurt me – I know my choices, I moved on from such a while ago.  You can choose to walk away if you wish, if that is your truth, but I choose to stay.   I’m no crazybitch but I will be here. I’m happy to own my choice.

Master: 😘

 

Grief reflections

After writing my last post, I had some further thoughts on my grief.

I am sorry for so very much that led me to leaving my marriage, but I know that despite there being so SO much to lose by leaving….I could not continue knowing that I was not being authentically me – and that I felt unable to be me.

Even though I have always been known for being chatty, the environment that I grew up in unfortunately did not prepare me well for emotional conversations, nor did I get good examples of how to relate to others in such ways.  I would even go as far as saying that I very much raised myself from a young age.

Silence was my safety; I could not get hurt if I stayed silent. Thus this became my maladapted behaviour when my safety was threatened in any way.

I recognise that my grief also comes from the failings I perceive….from how I wish I was from the beginning of my relationship with husband – that I wish I could have been more me.  However, I wouldn’t be the person I am today had that have been the case.

I am very grateful for all that I have experienced – the good, the bad and the ugly – for it makes me who I am today.  But I am also saddened that my marriage is another victim of the failings of my family of origin. I know that there is more to it than just that and I most certainly do not solely place the blame on my lack of upbringing, but it saddens me nonetheless.

I also grieve that the failings of me caused me not to know my husband more.   But he is not an easy man to know.

In many ways, husband was what I needed at the time that we courted and married.  But, that no longer serves me – and that is okay.

The grief

The enormity of the grief was unexpected. The exhaustion too. So much exhaustion.

Whilst I have had extended family members pass away and have been in the presence of grief before, I have most certainly never felt such grief – like what I imagine it to be – before now.

Grief hits at unexpected moments, a memory or thought of things we’d planned. Or doing something that I used to do for him…….wondering who is going to do that for him now. Sometimes even looking at pictures of us can be difficult, not always, but on some days it is.

The grief has surprised me as I made peace with my decision a few months ago and it has been something I deeply pondered for longer. My decision is also something that I have felt strong intuition about. The more I listened to myself and allowed me to hear myself, the more it felt right for me.

I have been praised for my bravery and courage in making such a decision, as well as following through and acting on it. It certainly wasn’t an easy decision to make at all. Some people have definitely been shocked by the news, which was to be expected.

It seems to be when chatting with those whose opinions I value, who are shocked that have sometimes made me question myself.  And I do know that nothing is black and white in this world.

But I also know what I want – and as much as it hurts at times, what I want are things that husband never was nor could be.

Synchronicity & serendipity

Since deciding to step out of my pretty little garden and knock the hinges off the gate, I have experienced SO much synchronicity – which at times has been as comforting as it has been heartbreaking in the moment.

One example of such synchronicity, was hearing two different versions of the song Landslide which I posted earlier this year, whilst driving home one night recently.

At the time that I posted Landslide with the simple title, it spoke to me in a different way than what it has more recently.  Back then it was more that yes, I was afraid of changing because I had always seen my life a certain way.

More recently, I’ve realised extra meanings of this song (by my interpretation). This verse in particular speaks volumes to me about self-love and speaking your truth

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Can the child within my heart rise above? – This speaks to me about being who you truly are….what does your soul say? What ignites your spirit? Who are you when you peel back the masks and unveil? When you sink into your heart space?

My answer is a resounding YES.

Yes, I love you but I love me more.
Yes, the child within my heart can rise above.
Yes, I can sail through the changing ocean tides
Yes, I CAN handle the seasons of my life.

 

Shortly after, in the same car trip home, I heard this:

Nobody said it was easy
It’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh, take me back to the start

This track definitely aided a few tears from me. It is absolutely fucking hard. Not an easy choice for anyone. Yes it takes courage, I do wish I could go back to the start but at the same time I wouldn’t be where I am today if things hadn’t happened exactly how they did…..

I do hope to post soon about what stepping out my garden has entailed, but there is a lot to juggle at present.

I have been blessed by so much love and support – grateful to realise how many amazing friends I have, when I’d always thought I didn’t have many at all.

A reminder to be objective

“An objective perspective is one that is not influenced by emotions, opinions, or personal feelings – it is a perspective based in fact, in things quantifiable and measurable.

A subjective perspective is one open to greater interpretation based on personal feeling, emotion, aesthetics, etc.”

TheMaster & I had a couple of nice conversations this week.

It was really lovely to chat rather than text – whilst we understand each other fine via text, talking with him feels really comfortable. Gosh I talk way too much and I do feel like I need to be a better listener (how do you get people to talk?!).

I love the way TheMaster listens and challenges me, always in a respectful and gentle (sometimes playful) manner.  It was uncanny that, during one of our conversations, he reinforced a lesson I’d been reminded of at work during the week by my boss – a reminder in letting go of things that don’t matter.

We chatted about what we’d been up to and he spoke of his weekend visit to my hometown, which I posted about when questioning mindfuckery. His trip had been to take his sons to a sports match that was on in my town, so quite understandable that there was zero chance of saying hi and I’m sure he didn’t even think I would be annoyed at his casual mention of having been here.

Being more objective is definitely something that has been a big learning for me in recent years. Having been raised in such turbulence with constant fight or flight situations, I am typically quick to interpret and react – as this was a need to keep me safe growing up. This ingrained behaviour doesn’t serve me as well in adulthood.

With my recent learnings in letting go and practicing non-attachment, I was definitely less shitty than I might have been in the past but it was good to have the reminder to be objective!

What Katy did next

Oh Kate Rose…..how I love your prose!

I have professed my love of this writer’s way with words a few times before – so much of what she writes truly resonates with me.

I just read one of her latest articles today and it articulates much of what I have come to feel is true for me recently.

I have come to realise that whilst I do love Husband and we have created some amazing memories together…….I believe that I fell in love with him out of ‘ego’ – very much with my head. Sure, there was an element of heart there and there is certainly much that I admire and love about him still……but it’s never been a soulful love.  The paragraph I’ve highlighted below very much resonates with my recent realisations.

The whole article is definitely worth reading…..the words truly speak to my soul.

Of all the “logical” things in this world—love isn’t one of them.

It’s been said that we never love in the same way twice. While that’s true because each person is different and so is the way in which we care about them, what it boils down to is: Do we love them with our head or with our heart?

This isn’t an issue of one way being preferable over another, but there are differences in authenticity, longevity, and depth that each just naturally exudes.

It seems that for many of us our first—or first few—loves are based more in our heads than our hearts. It’s not to say that we don’t actually feel genuine love for them, but it’s usually a logical love, even if it is profound.

For many of us, as we age we don’t really grow up, but rather grow out of the boxes that we either were placed in as children or placed ourselves in to conform. When we’re young and not yet developed into our authentic selves, we tend to believe that love is a choice of convenience and reason.

We chose partners based on what we felt we wanted or needed, and to help fulfill the role that we believed we had to live up to in society—and perhaps we even felt that we were happy.

It’s a love that makes sense, that doesn’t challenge our place in the world, and through our decisions, we fulfill the roles that we feel compelled to.

Loving with our head may even be satisfying—but it’s not soul-enriching.

Very often, we will believe ourselves to be content because our ego is comfortable in that love. It knows what to expect, and it feels good because others approve of our path and the partner that we have chosen to stand with in this life.

Our hearts tend to grow into love with someone who will help us question our own lives and belief systems—the type of person who will, through our own experiences with them, help propel us further along our own paths of self-development…..