Hindsight is 20/20

I’m sure many have seen this viral video, but this really speaks a lot to me.

I find it uncanny how I only posted two months ago about seeking 20/20 vision. Right on the cusp of the pandemic as we now know it. Whilst recognising that I still have much to unpack and ponder…..I have finally discovered what I needed all along.  And it is transformative, to say the least. 

Hindsight truly is 20/20.

Ça va?

A conversation with a French friend.

I’m pretty sure that the translation is not entirely correct, but I’m sure the general gist of it is. I don’t know if my friend’s response was because of personal characteristics or if it is a cultural thing but I love the way it was worded.

M: Toujours seulement ça va?

(always only fine?)

F: C’est compliqué avec le confinement d’être seul donc je préfère dire que ça va, comme ça on ne m’embête pas car je n’ai pas envie d’en parler. Le travail est cool mais relativement éprouvant, c’est très intense, mais pareil, je préfère dire que ça va. En fait c’est parce que cela me déprimerait de me plaindre. Je n’aime pas me plaindre haha.

It’s complicated with the confinement of being alone so I prefer to say that it’s okay, that way we don’t bother because I don’t want to talk about it. The work is cool but relatively trying, it’s very intense, but the same; I prefer to say that it’s fine. In fact, it’s because it would depress me to complain. I don’t like to complain haha.


I hope everyone is doing fine in the current interesting times we are experiencing. I must say that I do feel somewhat guilty to not be adversely affected to any extent. If anything I feel immense gratitude for what I have and my circumstances. I think I am oddly feeling slightly better (or about the same – which wasn’t fantastic) if anything.

Oxygen masks & the eternal dilemma

What do you do when you can’t hold space for someone who needs you?

When you feel so triggered by someone that most interactions leave you feeling powerless, frozen, stuck? But this is also someone you love, family.

How does one sit with, resolve and let go of the feelings of guilt and all the rest of it?

I know that when you are struggling to breathe yourself, you must always fit your oxygen mask first.

It is a struggle, though.

What I seek, an addendum

This. All of this ❤


You deserve to be loved fiercely.

You deserve to be loved by a man who knows how to love hard.

A man who looks at you like you are made of magic. The kind of shimmering magic that you feel when you are standing knee deep in Balinese water and the blue-glowing phosphorescence whisks about your feet after midnight—a beach-side bonfire roaring 20 feet behind you.

A man who prefers date night to consist of you, a fireplace, little to no clothing and the kind of soul-f***ing that happens when your limbs are intertwined and the depth of your conversation becomes the entertainment for the night.

A man who understands that love is shown through the little things.

A man who does the dishes not as a martyr, but as someone who sees organizing your environment as an act of love in itself. A man who fills up your car’s gas tank because he knows how much you dislike doing it. A man who leaves 10-word love notes for you to find scattered throughout your life—and not because it’s Valentine’s Day, but just because it’s Tuesday.

……..And when the tough times inevitably roll through your shared lives, make sure you marry a man who can look deeply into your eyes and say, “We’ve got this. We’re going to make it through. You have nothing to worry about.”

A man who wants nothing more than to assist in the ever-expanding greatness of your life. He is not threatened by your successes; he relishes them.

He doesn’t get jealous when other people check you out; he knows at a bone-deep level how much of a prize you are.


The lover/partner I seek

…..wherever you are, whoever you may be, I hope we find each other ❤

I want you to be a fuck yes. To laugh with me, laugh at me, make me laugh and enjoy my laughter.

I want you to have a beautiful smile, with eyes that light up. I want you to have a warm embracing hug; and a soft, delicate touch but also to grab me cheekily when appropriate. I want you to be as cheeky as I am and to understand my cheekiness. I want you to enjoy similar music – and enjoy a sexy playlist to groove to for sexy times.

I want to feel naturally compelled to compliment you – how you are, the way you dress, your natural scent, how attractive you are to me, your kind nature and amazing mind. I want you to be beautiful and sexy and gorgeous and cute.

I want you to enjoy the different sides of me – various ways I like to dress. I want you to enjoy me dressing up – as much for me as it is for you. I want you to compliment me more than your friends or family; and more than my friends or family. I want to see it in your eyes and on your face – you checking me out, devouring me with your eyes. I want others to notice how you look at me. I want you to call me sexy and cute and beautiful and hot. I want you to think that I am a spunk – whatever your version of that is.

I want you to see my smarts and caring nature and kindness too. I want you to adore my body and my crazy mind. I want you to reply to others when they comment on you being lucky to have me in your life. And I want to be able to reply how lucky I am too.

I want you to want to explore the world with me – adventures both near and far. I want you to explore my world, study it, learn about where I came from and what makes me me. I want you to know me. I want you to care to call me out on my bullshit. To make me question whether I am holding true to my values. I want to know your world, what it’s made of, what you value, what makes you excited like a kid at Christmas. I want to know what you wanted to be when you were little. I want to know what gets you out of bed or keeps you awake until way past your bed time.

I want you to know how to care and nurture – to be able to, and want to, take care of me when I am unwell. I want you to be thoughtful – to think of and notice the little details. Things that I like and enjoy. Things that get my attention.

I want you to ask me if I’ve eaten – do I need dinner or lunch or coffee? I want you to care about health and wellness – about eating well and good. I want you to care about what may or may not be in your food. I want you to understand how food affects how you feel and perform and affects your health. But back on thoughtfulness, I want you to be uber thoughtful – to want to offer that level of support to me; to think of things that will help me, make me smile. To set up a disco in the lounge when I want to go out dancing but can’t. I want you to know that I would 100% love something hand made and thoughtful – just for me – over anything you can buy in a store any day of the week.

I want you to spoil me with affection and attention. I want you to enjoy affection as much as I do. I want you to enjoy play world or be open to exploring play world with me. I want to be able to talk about intimate matters and sex with you comfortably and openly. I want you to love to talk about anything and everything with me – all the weird, whacky and wonderful. I want you to prefer talking with me or learning new things or reading over watching mindless TV, although happily indulging in the odd mindless TV binge on occasion. I want you to be interested in personalities, people, how people communicate and what makes them tick. I want you to be interested in or understanding and accepting of “woo woo”.

I want you to share my love of Latino music and interest in learning Latin dance. Or any style of dance. I want you to understand my love of fitness and weight training and the struggle to stay consistent. I’d love for you to enjoy weight training or some sort of fitness pursuit.

I want you to have a good level of emotional intelligence and to strive to be better at EQ, alongside me. I want you to be interested in personal development, mindset and growth. I want you to be curious and kind. I want you to be aware of hunting your demons and darkness, despite how scary that can be. I want you to understand that the only way out is through. The light is only at the end of the tunnel – you must get through it to find the light.

I want you to tell me what you want, without expectation. I want to be able to tell you what I want – even the stuff you struggle to understand. I want you to want to understand. And I want to understand your wants and desires too. I want to remember that you can’t read my mind, but you yearn to understand me as much as I yearn to understand you.

I want you to enjoy lying out under the stars with me. Gazing at the night sky and infinite possibilities. I want you to enjoy savouring the beauty of nature with me, finding beauty and gratitude in every day.

I want you to be grateful for finding me and I want to be grateful for finding you.

Dear Me – the caterpillar

Browsing past blogs for some writing inspiration and decided to read this post…. WOW.

So needing to see these words right now.

Magenta & Me

Following on from my previous post, this letter is from my future self…..setting intentions with the new moon.

**I originally wrote this letter to Magenta, but realised that Magenta will not exist in my future. Magenta is only a stepping stone on the path to creating Me.

Write a repair letter, a love letter, or a gratitude letter to a past/present/future version of you, to others who have shaped and deeply impacted your life, or to those you have unfinished business with. You know the letter I speak of—it is the one you carry in your heart, that writes itself in those “in-between” moments, the one that you would write if only you were brave and honest enough. – via Elephant Journal

Dear 2017 Me  – the caterpillar,

I know that you have been working a lot on yourself over the last few years, which has definitely reached a peak at…

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Lost and Found

Here I sit: day in, day out
Fighting my fears and my doubts
Drowning in stuck and hate

Feeling lighter and heavier day by day
Letting go but being weighed down
Always smiling, but fighting the frown

Needing to remember my own lessons – patience, presence, practicing self love

Where do you look when you don’t know what you’re looking for? When you aren’t afraid of the dark but the dark seems to suffocate you?


Presence & Patience

…..continuing on with more music & lyrics, because patience has been on my mind of late – as well as being present (in the now, not over thinking, not living in the future or in the past) and this track came on.

This track was on a Spotify playlist of upbeat songs, I love the boppy melody but I love the meaningful lyrics too.

I certainly don’t need love to ease my mind right now – I very much want to ease my mind on my own, but these particular lyrics very much spoke to me as I go on my very first ‘pre-date’ coffee next week. Gosh, saying that makes my heart skip a beat.

I am very fond of this person (ok I have a HUGE crush), but I am conscious of being present without over thinking (we both acknowledge over thinking in life in general – not in relation to ‘us’. Acknowledgment of potential for an ‘us’ only happened in the last few days).  So, this ‘non-date’ coffee is to check in on the energy we both acknowledge. If anything progresses it will be nice and slow as there are quite a few obstacles to a traditional dating process – one being we live quite far apart. Anyway, there goes me lacking presence again!

My mama said, “you can’t hurry love
No, you’ll just have to wait”
She said, “love don’t come easy
But it’s a game of give and take”
You can’t hurry love
No, you’ll just have to wait
Just trust in a good time
No matter how long it takes