Exhausted at Easter

So it is Easter. A quarter through the year.

Over six months separated from Husband.

Two months since news from TheMaster rendered me devastated and confused.

A few bouts of illness on my part. As well as dealing with other personal family matters.

Many minxy adventures scattered in between.

The continuing effects of all of these things have made me beyond exhausted. I haven’t been sleeping well and despite getting back on track at the start of the year, I haven’t been eating well.

And I have been doing too much in general.

So I have decided to have a break. I quit my job. And in the very near future I will be leaving on a jet plane. To park my butt on the beach, sand between my toes without a care in the world.

I’m not sure how much I’ll be around to get updates finished prior to then but I will be most definitely catching up on things once I take pause.

And I cannot wait!

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TheSmiths & I

Ahhh……the ever-delightful Mr & Mrs Smith.

I happened to join a messenger group, which is where I found Mrs Smith. This group is for bi or bi-curious ladies, so it was quite an exciting discovery for me, as I have posted before about having hunted for a girl to join TheMaster and I.

After some initial banter with Mrs Smith, outside of the group chat, I was a little surprised when I didn’t hear much more from her as she had commented approvingly when I’d shared a picture or two in the group.  I thought I’d have a go at putting myself out there, without being pushy, and decided to ask one day whether she was happy to hear ‘my spiel’ – as in what I was looking for and what I could offer.  I think there was about a day in between responses but, as I hadn’t really taken the time yet to write out my spiel, when I finally heard from Mrs Smith the day after my offer, I didn’t get around to finishing my response until the evening.

Once I had however, we had some quick back-forth banter during which I shared a short video clip that I had in my repertoire of enticing goodies….something that I had actually created for TheMaster that is of a dimly lit view of my lips and mouth, seductively playing with my fingers, coupled with some sexy sound effects, that ends with me saying in a sexy voice….”goddamn I wish that was your cock”.  After sharing this clip, Mrs Smith commented that her hubby had an immediate hard-on and had stated “get her here now!”.

In our chatting, we discovered we were both having quiet evenings and that I actually lived fairly close to them. We established that it was possible for me to join them that evening, although I was apprehensive as I was awaiting the arrival of an unfortunate monthly visitor…..but this didn’t put off Mrs Smith, she sweetly said that they could avoid any penetration of me so as not to bring about the arrival.  

I needed to shower and we had a quick video chat to say hi before I got in the shower.

Confirming that we both liked what we saw via video chat, it became apparent that this was going to happen. I could hardly contain my excitement.  I was feeling a bit unsure of the Smiths’ attraction to me – I know my booty gets highly rated and several playmates have commented on me having an attractive face and features…..but Mrs Smith is seriously other-worldly.  I managed to push my apprehension aside and drove over to their house.

When I arrived, I was greeted by Mrs Smith, who was wearing a simple black slip dress, her face was relatively bare and naturally gorgeous.  Mr Smith said hello as I entered their house; he had to duck out momentarily to help a friend nearby but this gave Mrs Smith and I a chance to settle in and chat.  We uncovered some similarities and when Mr Smith returned, they were both impressed to discover that I have my motorbike license – as Mr Smith is an avid fan of both cars and bikes.

As we were chatting, I decided to get more comfortable settling in for the evening and stripped down to my underwear, removing the top and jeans I had arrived in. Mr Smith had a shower and Mrs Smith invited me in to the bedroom to get things started. I was a little surprised myself at how comfortable I felt.  We started kissing and enjoying each other’s skin.  Taking off her slip dress, I was in absolute amazement at how incredible Mrs Smith looked in the flesh.  Mrs Smith has beautifully supple, smooth skin and the most amazing full breasts (E-cup I later found out) all wrapped up on a shapely, but genetically blessed and taut, size 8 – 10 body.  Mr Smith soon joined us fresh from his shower and it wasn’t long before they both encouraged me to not be shy in having my first go at eating pussy.

I was delighted to find that Mrs Smith’s smooth and supple skin continued to be of the same standard on her incredible pussy.  I wasn’t expecting Mrs Smith to taste as sweet and…..un-pussy-like as she did.  I don’t know how else to describe it, haha!  I was also surprised to discover how much I enjoyed it.  Remembering the way that TheMaster pleasures me, I employed some of my favourite tricks of his in my own execution.  Gently nibbling on Mrs Smith’s clit, interspersed with some labia stimulation with my tongue, I took pauses to lightly blow cool air on her pussy just the way I enjoyed TheMaster doing so on mine.

I delighted in hearing Mrs Smith’s murmurs and approving gasps.  Moving to stimulate Mrs Smith with my fingers, I continued to simultaneously massage her clit with my tongue whilst also caressing her incredible body. Something I find that seems to get lost with many men, is the lack of extra sensory stimulation whilst being treated to oral sex. I never realised how important this part was until experiencing it with TheMaster.  I was delighted to be able to carry forward my lessons from him, in pleasuring another woman. Being my first time giving oral pleasure to a woman, I got a little lost in the moment and didn’t quite pick up Mrs Smith’s cues on having reached climax, but climax she did.  Both she and Mr Smith were impressed with my manner and skills, which was extremely pleasing to hear as a first-timer.  Pausing to enjoy some chat momentarily, we were all perplexed discussing their previous female encounters (I was their 4th) and the fact that Mrs Smith had yet to orgasm with any other playmate before me.  I was really quite surprised to learn that my skills were so well received.

The Smiths and I continued to enjoy playing with each other in a similar way for a while longer.  I thoroughly enjoyed myself despite being unable to be penetrated due to the arrival of my monthly visitor.  

Before long, we realised it had reached the early hours of the morning.  Piling into bed at around 5am, I couldn’t believe how energised I had felt the whole time.

I left the Smith’s house around midday. Sending them a thank you message when i got home, they responded just as positively stating that I had been their favourite girl thus far.

On love

I’ve recently discovered an amazing writer and came across this description of love that he had written, which really resonated with me:

I completely agree that hate is best broken down by spreading more love.

I love the first line of the above paragraph:

Love is that feeling where great desire mixes with a deep connection of belonging and acceptance.

I have been contemplating whether it is possible to truly know whether you really feel love for someone (as opposed to lust or idealised infatuation) when you don’t know them very well, and I think the above really helps clarify that for me.

A “deep connection of belonging and acceptance”, in my eyes, can be summed up by a feeling of somewhere or someone who feels like home.

As someone who grew up without ever truly identifying with a place or person that felt “like home” until I was an adult, I do believe I can honestly say that my feelings of “home” aren’t laced with memories and child-like wonder.

For me, home is where the heart is.

When you quieten your mind and surrender to the silence, what do you feel? What does your soul tell you?

When your energy flows freely and you have balanced chi, what answers are unveiled?

When you connect with someone who feels like “home” (where you belong and feel accepted), whether that connection is platonic or romantic, why is there so much fear in showing love? In giving love? In spreading love?

Although I guess the fear isn’t in the actions, but in labeling such actions vocally as love.

If we desire to quash the spread of hate in the world, why be so quiet about love?

I do genuinely ask this, as I continue to heal and ponder my future romantic love – as someone with virtually zero relationship experience apart from my marriage. If you truly feel love in your bones, in your soul, in the very essence of your being…..if you are able to give your love freely, without expectation of it being returned….if your giving of love doesn’t have conditions (….because they love me……because they put me up on a pedestal..) then why not shout your love from the rooftops, so to speak?

If your love makes someone uneasy or afraid, then they are not ready for your love.

Sure it may hurt that your love is not returned, but you just need to love yourself harder.

Keep filling our own cup.  Nourishing yourself. Loving yourself.

Because your vibe attracts your tribe – and when you are shining so luminously, you will also become a beacon, brightening the world…..spreading light….

And with so much light, it’s much harder for the dark to set in.

Shine brightly, my friends x

Mr & Mrs Smith

Well, that escalated quickly.

I had the most amazing, energy-filled, vibe-connecting evening with an incredible married couple last night.  Very much my kind of people.

After happening upon Mrs Smith via TheSite about a week ago, only engaging in a very brief initial messenger chat, I decided to reach out and tell her more about myself.  I had known that I liked what I saw of her thus far and was pretty sure she & Mr Smith liked what they had seen of me.

After sending through more details about me sometime after dinner, a little messenger chat ensued during which I was invited over.

I will write more about our deliciously divine encounter soon, but I just wanted to stop in to say WOW. Lucky me!

Grief reflections

After writing my last post, I had some further thoughts on my grief.

I am sorry for so very much that led me to leaving my marriage, but I know that despite there being so SO much to lose by leaving….I could not continue knowing that I was not being authentically me – and that I felt unable to be me.

Even though I have always been known for being chatty, the environment that I grew up in unfortunately did not prepare me well for emotional conversations, nor did I get good examples of how to relate to others in such ways.  I would even go as far as saying that I very much raised myself from a young age.

Silence was my safety; I could not get hurt if I stayed silent. Thus this became my maladapted behaviour when my safety was threatened in any way.

I recognise that my grief also comes from the failings I perceive….from how I wish I was from the beginning of my relationship with husband – that I wish I could have been more me.  However, I wouldn’t be the person I am today had that have been the case.

I am very grateful for all that I have experienced – the good, the bad and the ugly – for it makes me who I am today.  But I am also saddened that my marriage is another victim of the failings of my family of origin. I know that there is more to it than just that and I most certainly do not solely place the blame on my lack of upbringing, but it saddens me nonetheless.

I also grieve that the failings of me caused me not to know my husband more.   But he is not an easy man to know.

In many ways, husband was what I needed at the time that we courted and married.  But, that no longer serves me – and that is okay.

Synchronicity & serendipity

Since deciding to step out of my pretty little garden and knock the hinges off the gate, I have experienced SO much synchronicity – which at times has been as comforting as it has been heartbreaking in the moment.

One example of such synchronicity, was hearing two different versions of the song Landslide which I posted earlier this year, whilst driving home one night recently.

At the time that I posted Landslide with the simple title, it spoke to me in a different way than what it has more recently.  Back then it was more that yes, I was afraid of changing because I had always seen my life a certain way.

More recently, I’ve realised extra meanings of this song (by my interpretation). This verse in particular speaks volumes to me about self-love and speaking your truth

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Can the child within my heart rise above? – This speaks to me about being who you truly are….what does your soul say? What ignites your spirit? Who are you when you peel back the masks and unveil? When you sink into your heart space?

My answer is a resounding YES.

Yes, I love you but I love me more.
Yes, the child within my heart can rise above.
Yes, I can sail through the changing ocean tides
Yes, I CAN handle the seasons of my life.

 

Shortly after, in the same car trip home, I heard this:

Nobody said it was easy
It’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh, take me back to the start

This track definitely aided a few tears from me. It is absolutely fucking hard. Not an easy choice for anyone. Yes it takes courage, I do wish I could go back to the start but at the same time I wouldn’t be where I am today if things hadn’t happened exactly how they did…..

I do hope to post soon about what stepping out my garden has entailed, but there is a lot to juggle at present.

I have been blessed by so much love and support – grateful to realise how many amazing friends I have, when I’d always thought I didn’t have many at all.

A reminder to be objective

“An objective perspective is one that is not influenced by emotions, opinions, or personal feelings – it is a perspective based in fact, in things quantifiable and measurable.

A subjective perspective is one open to greater interpretation based on personal feeling, emotion, aesthetics, etc.”

TheMaster & I had a couple of nice conversations this week.

It was really lovely to chat rather than text – whilst we understand each other fine via text, talking with him feels really comfortable. Gosh I talk way too much and I do feel like I need to be a better listener (how do you get people to talk?!).

I love the way TheMaster listens and challenges me, always in a respectful and gentle (sometimes playful) manner.  It was uncanny that, during one of our conversations, he reinforced a lesson I’d been reminded of at work during the week by my boss – a reminder in letting go of things that don’t matter.

We chatted about what we’d been up to and he spoke of his weekend visit to my hometown, which I posted about when questioning mindfuckery. His trip had been to take his sons to a sports match that was on in my town, so quite understandable that there was zero chance of saying hi and I’m sure he didn’t even think I would be annoyed at his casual mention of having been here.

Being more objective is definitely something that has been a big learning for me in recent years. Having been raised in such turbulence with constant fight or flight situations, I am typically quick to interpret and react – as this was a need to keep me safe growing up. This ingrained behaviour doesn’t serve me as well in adulthood.

With my recent learnings in letting go and practicing non-attachment, I was definitely less shitty than I might have been in the past but it was good to have the reminder to be objective!