You, your glance, your touch
You fill me ever so much
Please give me more, Master x
“An objective perspective is one that is not influenced by emotions, opinions, or personal feelings – it is a perspective based in fact, in things quantifiable and measurable.
A subjective perspective is one open to greater interpretation based on personal feeling, emotion, aesthetics, etc.”
TheMaster & I had a couple of nice conversations this week.
It was really lovely to chat rather than text – whilst we understand each other fine via text, talking with him feels really comfortable. Gosh I talk way too much and I do feel like I need to be a better listener (how do you get people to talk?!).
I love the way TheMaster listens and challenges me, always in a respectful and gentle (sometimes playful) manner. It was uncanny that, during one of our conversations, he reinforced a lesson I’d been reminded of at work during the week by my boss – a reminder in letting go of things that don’t matter.
We chatted about what we’d been up to and he spoke of his weekend visit to my hometown, which I posted about when questioning mindfuckery. His trip had been to take his sons to a sports match that was on in my town, so quite understandable that there was zero chance of saying hi and I’m sure he didn’t even think I would be annoyed at his casual mention of having been here.
Being more objective is definitely something that has been a big learning for me in recent years. Having been raised in such turbulence with constant fight or flight situations, I am typically quick to interpret and react – as this was a need to keep me safe growing up. This ingrained behaviour doesn’t serve me as well in adulthood.
With my recent learnings in letting go and practicing non-attachment, I was definitely less shitty than I might have been in the past but it was good to have the reminder to be objective!
Since TheMaster revealed his marital woes to me four-weeks ago, I have been conscious of honouring myself and taking time for my own space as well as just letting him be.
In that time, we’ve had a couple of very sporadic chats including one that resulted in him over-reacting which he apologised for the next evening. It was after he made a seemingly off-the-cuff comment of “You have quite a strong feeling for me, don’t you“, to which I replied “You’re asking me this via text??“. TheMaster later responded “Never mind”, to which I said “Why never mind?“. I was annoyed by this exchange and shared my annoyance with a friend who retorted that he was being ‘a twat’.
Being that he called himself ‘an arse’ not that long ago, in recognition of his occasional arse-like ways, I didn’t think it would be an issue to share with him that my friend had called him a twat. Long story short, he got quite shitty about being called a twat and mouthed off incessantly (all via Messenger text) – which I recognised as something deeper going on for him so I just let him be. In apologising for his over-reaction the next evening, he confirmed that he wasn’t okay but wasn’t up for talking. In respecting that, I asked him to let me know he was okay sometime as I do worry about him – to which he responded with a ‘thumbs up’ emoji.
A few days later I sent him a note checking in, I inquired if he had been enjoying the book I’d sent him and asked if he had time to chat but he replied saying he needed head space. I completely understood and respected this, and left him be once again. This was one week ago.
Yesterday, TheMaster sent me a message commenting that “Well, that was a fucking cold weekend!” to which I responded quizzingly (as where he lives is quite warm compared to my hometown). He later replied that he had been in my hometown over the weekend. Just a simple statement, just like that.
I don’t quite know what his intention was by telling me this in such a way. I get that we all perceive things differently to others and perhaps my interpretation was not what he intended.
Was it to display his lack of care for me? Or perhaps he simply didn’t think it would affect me to tell me – after the fact – that he had been in my hometown for the weekend? Trying to bring me down from my acknowledgement of having strong feelings for him?
Well whatever his intention was, I will acknowledge that it hurt a little. Despite being calm in my response, replying,”I see. Well, yes it was great fucking weather” (that was a literal ‘fucking’ by the way – TheMaster and I often speak of ‘fucking weather’ in jest), I will admit it hurt to know he had been so close but didn’t want to let me know nor try to even see me to say hi. I get that perhaps he couldn’t say hi due to whatever circumstances, but such actions seem to speak volumes to me – although that is my view at present, which I am happy to be challenged on.
Such events reinforce to me that I need to continue honouring myself, my truth – do things that are true for me and are not influenced by others.
So, on that note…..standby whilst I continue to balance my throat chakra and prepare to open the gate….
Twelve months ago……almost 365 days……in a galaxy not too far from here….I had no idea that my life was about to be forever changed.
It was this very week, last year, that I met TheMaster.
Well, I feel like I’m on my way to where I’m meant to be.
It does feel odd to say, as someone well into adulthood, but I can honestly say that I feel like I know who I am more than ever before.
So, who am I?
I love to fuck – call it sex, making love, fucking….whatever you wish to name it. I love all of the ecstasy and magic of the human body connecting with another. I don’t believe I need love for sex but I do love soul connections, energy vibrations….when you know someone is vibrating on your frequency. Love certainly does give sex a deeper experience, I don’t disagree with that.
I love all types of music – from indie pop, alternative & grunge; to 60s, 70s 80s & 90s; old school R’n’B, some newer stuff & the odd hip hop; jazz, funk, blues; the odd pop track & other songs I don’t even know what to class as. I love Latin American music, French pop & reggae. I love covers of songs in different styles from their original (i.e. Nirvana done in jazz style or Pop/dance covered in an acoustic a capella style). I love anything with interesting use of strings, xylophone or base.
I love dressing in different ways – girly, sexy, cute, casual. I do love lingerie too (hubby is a bit apathetic over it, but that’s his preference. I love it so, yes I will buy it and wear it). I am still finding my style a little. Sometimes I like to be dolled up, sometimes not. I can’t run around in heels as much as I used to and I’m certainly no fashionista but I’m okay with that. And no matter what I’m wearing, I am always prepared to get my hands dirty to do whatever is needed.
I am very much an INFJ, despite my initial reservations that this wasn’t me at all. Often quiet with those I am unsure of but bubbly and engaging with those I am comfortable with. I’m factual and analytical, which used to come across as judgemental (perhaps still does at times).
I do think a lot, so finding true silence recently has been quite the revelation for me – despite not being new to meditation and mindfulness. I never realised before that silence allows you to hear what is truly important – yourself, your truth, your intuition. If you can’t hear yourself, how do you know who you are? If you don’t know who you are, how can you love yourself? Although my grapples with self-love and self-acceptance do go deeper than my personality type, as I have touched on before.
I love learning new things and connecting with others. Especially with those vibrating on similar frequencies as me. I am ever so grateful for stumbling upon my (now) good friend Ava who inspired me to blog.
I’ve learned that if anyone has issues with who I am, what I like or what I do – this says more about them than it does about me. I am not what you think I am, you are what you think I am. What you see is what you reflect. I did ‘know’ this before but I feel like I’ve only really properly learnt this recently.
Anyone projecting negativity or unkindness requires the most love and compassion. I know this has been true for me – when I’m projecting shit it’s usually because I feel shit or am suffering in some way. Often suffering because of thoughts of my own making, my own projections or expectations. I can choose to hold on to this negativity or let it go.
Peace comes from presence. Be the love, in order to feel the love. Be the light and you will see the light, you will attract it. See abundance and you will have it.
Let go of questions or actions driven from the ego, what matters most is if you love yourself. Validation from others will never be enough if you don’t validate yourself.
It is only after fulfilling ourselves that we can truly spread loving-kindness and peace.
It’s not all hunky dory every day – there are most certainly ebbs and flows – but the veil of darkness and ignorance is lifting, and I am finding the light. I can hear myself more clearly. I am finding my way home. The times I undervalue myself and ignore my truth are becoming less frequent.
The universe works in mysterious ways indeed and I look forward to finding out what else is in store for me.
Without expectation or crystal ball gazing, I know – undoubtedly – that I want you in my life.
To know you. To nourish you. To conquer with you, separately together.
But always to nourish ourselves first and foremost.
The me of my 20s was a very different me but I am grateful for everything that has brought me to who I am today.
I cannot be bought. I do not value material things. No, I am not uppity.
I value freedom, truth, authenticity. Which may sound incongruent with my current activities but I have been fighting for my truth.
I want to be known, to be understood, for someone to want to know me. All of me.
I want to know all of you – the dark and the light.
I will not be owned, I do not want to own you or buy you.
I don’t want to save you and
I don’t want you to save me.
I don’t need you, but I do want you – however your presence may be.
Your presence may only be small. Or it may not be now. Or it may be never at all.
But I want you.
I am a lover of words, language and especially alliteration – hence the title of my blog and also this post.
Before I go on, I will state that my linguistical skills throughout this blog are somewhat lacking for the standards of Me. As with most people in this day and age, life is fucking hectic – especially when you are someone who is always doing something.
Adding to this, the fact that Magenta exists in my life – resulting in this blog being unknown to those I share my life with, finding the time to write as well as I would like to (hell, even write at all!) can be tricky.
But I digress.
As much as Magenta has brought much magic and magnificence to my life, she certainly has been more than a bit of a mind-fucking bitch!
As I sit on the cusp of a year of having Magenta in my life, I have certainly grown in ways I never would have expected. I never would have expected to have my views on relationships, love, monogamy and sex evolve in the ways that they have.
With Magenta coming into my life, I never expected to discover so much about Me. I guess I also had some other significant factors in my life that have also contributed to the depth of enquiry into myself, but Magenta has certainly brought about many quality questions.
And despite the mind-fuckery and inner turmoil, my journey as Magenta has definitely aided in my growth and inner peace, especially more recently – although the heightened inner peace has been aided by things I have recently been reading about and learning.
I am enjoying learning more about non-attachment – as it relates to life in general, not only in relationships. I love the questions that such learnings on attachment have brought about regarding my feelings and thoughts. This article has some great explanations of attachment love. Being conscious of this now, I love how freeing it is – the thought of non-attachment to things and relationships. I also love the thought of giving love freely, without being attached to needing it reciprocated. Attachment not only burdens the object of your attachment but also yourself. To be able to love without attachment, is quite liberating. Another great clip on attachment love can be found here.
All of that said, despite my evolved views; more ability to be present and acknowledge; as well as more ability in seeing how everyone colours their world differently; despite becoming more familiar with recognising fantasy and romantic ideations vs reality…….. I still have periods of feeling mind-fucked by TheMaster.
I will give some examples but I do still find it somewhat annoying. My learnings on presence and reflecting on what is real for me is certainly helping me release such negative feelings, as I know that such thoughts of mine are those which only I create.
I actually started drafting this post a couple of weeks ago but titled it “The Mindfuckery of Me by Magenta and TheMaster” as, after writing my update on ‘Magenta’s Men‘, I honestly didn’t think I would hear much from TheMaster at all. Through my recent enlightenment learnings, I realised that the mind-fuckery was actually me and not TheMaster – I had the choice of my perceptions.
But then he reappeared in the way that he does and then disappeared again – which I only discovered when I received a bunch of blog hits one afternoon that freaked me out. I wondered if my blog had been discovered by hubby, so I tried reaching out to TheMaster only to discover he was offline on Messenger. I tried phoning him but it went to voicemail. I emailed his ‘messenger’ email address as a last resort, but didn’t receive a reply to for 10 days. When he finally replied via email, he mentioned he’d had a bit going on himself and the blog hits weren’t him.
Upon hearing that he wasn’t travelling so well, I decided to send him a little care pack as I knew he enjoyed non-fiction reading, so I got him a book I thought he might enjoy. After sending the parcel off I received an email reply from him unexpectedly the next day, in which he mentioned that he would be vacant for a while and may in fact disappear forever. He stated in his email that he would explain more at a later date and would talk to me before disappearing for good, if that were to happen. I mentioned that I had sent him something and apologised if this was going to cause him any issues but he responded that “a surprise from my Magenta is always welcome”. Then he was gone again, but this absence was forewarned and I understood it at least.
About a week or so later he came back online to messenger to let me know he’d received my parcel and throughout that week we had some sporadic pleasant chat as I updated him on my world.
During one exchange, I asked him about vanishing and he told me he was “here for a bit, babe”. I asked for clarification on what ‘here’ meant and he said that “here = Messenger world”, to which I inquired further “Messenger world = play world?”. He replied “mmm maybe. If yes, only you”. After asking for more clarification on that response, he replied further “Play world, if I play I only wish to play with you. Make sense?”. Later I further asked “When here = messenger world// Messenger world = me // = I don’t exist outside of messenger world. Correct?”. To which he replied “Incorrect. You definitely exist outside of Messenger world”.
The next day he did one of his annoying mind-fuckery things, sending me a message asking “how is my girl?”, which enlightened Me recognises as a message that caused drama with my ego. We enjoyed some ongoing chat again for the next couple of days and I helped him with a personal project later that week via email.
After another quiet couple of days, I sent him a snap of a new dress I’d bought which I knew he’d like (it was in a favourite colour of his). He replied a day or so later, telling me I looked “smokin’ “. After a bit of cheeky back-forth messaging (including some images and a little video clip from him), during which he confirmed he would be in my town in the next couple of months, he dropped the bombshell that things weren’t great with his wife and that they were on the verge of being done.
Surprisingly, I slept okay that night – really well actually. We ended up chatting on the phone later the following day when he elaborated on happenings with his wife and we caught up a little on Magenta’s world. He asked me how things were with my husband and I expressed that whilst there had been some recent good chats, things were still moving slowly and hubby still wasn’t really meeting my needs.
TheMaster counseled me saying that each day I let pass by without speaking my truth was another wasted day of life. He asked me if hubby had joined me at therapy (yes), and whether hubby had gone to his own therapy (no). When I expressed my view that these things took time, he disagreed stating that it had only been a short period of time since he expressed to his wife that he wasn’t in love with her. I was a little taken aback to hear that’s what he had done as he only mentioned via Messenger that things weren’t great.
Only just the previous week, I had been pondering myself about husband and whether we were just friends rather than husband & wife. We certainly have never attained ‘best friend’ status in my eyes, but we are certainly good friends. The more I ponder this, the more I feel it is true for us and I wonder if it is true for hubby too, being that our relationship is really only the first major one for both of us.
I certainly love hubby and I’m not saying that I couldn’t fall in love with him again….that’s what a good marriage is though, right? There’s a quote that I like that says something like “a successful marriage requires falling in love several times, always with the same person”. We certainly have plenty to lose by parting and but I do wonder if the dreams I’d like to chase are not aligned with our marriage. I know I need to discuss these things with hubby but I guess I need to be more certain of my own truth too. At the same time, I do wonder if I am being unfair on hubby that he is unaware of my ponderings?
I am glad I have my wonderful therapist to discuss this with and I intend to do so during our next session.
There’s a new moon coming this week. Apparently it’s a ‘super moon’ – meaning that it is closer to the earth, hence the ‘pull’ of the moon is much greater. New moons are times to set intentions and manifest what you want to bring into your life as well as have gratitude.
Stronger ‘hippy’ interests are something new to me, although I have always had a spiritual bent….perhaps part of my DNA as there is spiritual presence in my family.
I loved a suggestion in this article I came across, which spoke of writing a letter to yourself or to those who have shaped and deeply impacted your life.
I thought I’d take this time to reflect on my gratitude for TheMaster….letter to my future self to follow.
I know I have mentioned it before but I really wanted you to know what a profound affect you’ve had on my life and I am ever so grateful to have known you – even if it is only for a fleeting moment.
You are an amazing, AMAZING person.
Now, I do realise that it may sound silly for me to say that without really knowing you, but I truly feel that there is something special about you. And how do you know when you really know a person anyway?
Often you never know what impact you’ve had on others’ lives – good, bad or otherwise – but you have most definitely had an impact on mine. And for that, I will always be grateful.
I hope that those who get to have you in their lives know how lucky they are. It makes me glad to know that there are some special little lives, which are directly influenced by you, out in the world. I hope that they take on your lessons and teachings….because a world touched by you is an infinitely better place.
I don’t mean to say any of this with fluff or fanfare.I have done plenty of soul searching and reflecting, particularly over the last 6-months, to know that I don’t say these things with expectation or crush-like infatuation.
I most certainly have had those moments in the time that I’ve known you, but I do recognise them for what they were at the time and I have certainly grown from there.
Despite having spent much time on personal growth, something about having met you seems to have accelerated things that I have learnt but never really ‘clicked’ for me.
I finally understand practicing presence better. I value myself and my own opinion more. I understand the power in owning my choices – choosing my reality and not letting the actions of others dictate how I feel or what I do.
For all of the chaos and inner turmoil knowing you has brought me – you have also given me much peace, and for that I thank you.
Thank you for accepting me.
Thank you for helping me see me.
Thank you for helping me find me.
Thank you for helping me be me.
Thank you for everything that you’ve opened up my mind and my eyes to.
Thank you for helping me heal myself.
Thank you for all of the ecstasy and all of the laughs.
Thank you for showing me what care and respect from a lover can look like.
I am a better person for having known you – I will always be grateful for having met you and your influence on my life.
You will forever be my Master Kaos.
Eternally your Kitty (aka ultimate bottom bitch),