Husband is a good man, but very much a man’s man. He’s never been a ladies’ man at all – I guess that’s one of the things I liked about him at the start. I knew he wasn’t an arsehole. He wasn’t into sleeping around or playing games.
Husband and I met when I was in my early 20s. Not that young, some may say, but in hindsight I was very young emotionally due to my upbringing…or lack thereof. I was relatively life-mature otherwise. However, Husband was my first ‘real’ relationship – not someone I casually ‘saw’ or dated (I can probably count on one hand the amount of dates I’d been on prior to Husband) – and I wouldn’t count my high school ‘boyfriend’, who I called my BF for 5 or 6 weeks, as a relationship at all. It was also Husband’s first real relationship, only having had a high school girlfriend.
After our first date, we started spending a lot of time together pretty quickly. I did like him a lot, I enjoyed his company and our common views, as well as the things we learned from each other. I remember having to make all the first moves on him – first kiss, initiating sex. We certainly had a lot more sex back then, but nothing like I’ve experienced with playmates.
I do recall a few examples of Husband being helpful and supportive in our early months, buying me something random once or twice. Showing care for my well being. I really don’t know what changed and why it has only bothered me sporadically over the years. We got married after a couple of years of dating and I’d always thought we’d have children by now, but that hasn’t been the case for many varying reasons (on my part at least).
I love Husband for more than our history and memories together. Husband is great at explaining technical aspects that I find hard to grasp, whether they be something financial or how something works. I love that he is street smart and very much self-taught. He loves to dissect things, do puzzles, build things, educate himself in his areas of interest. He is largely self-taught in playing music and he plays beautifully despite his self-criticism (I wish he would play more for me!). I love the way that he learns things by just ‘having a go’ – very similar to the way I like to do things. I have always had a very curious nature and am grateful that my natural inclination is to think that almost anything is possible.
Husband & I laugh about the same things, but often that is helped by remembering or relating a ‘personal joke’ to something happening in the present. Although we did laugh about similar things from the start. We have similar interests, the same strong work ethic and mostly similar values. We don’t fight. We rarely disagree. But part of that is because I struggle to communicate with him and then tolerate things I dislike – nothing major, just little things. But I guess these little things do snowball into big things.
Husband has manners, and is kind, despite not being very nurturing or caring toward me for the most part. He is great with his best mate’s children, although we don’t see them very often as they don’t live near us.
And of course I find him attractive. He has a great arse, beautiful eyes full of youth and a lovely smile, I also love his voice. I love how sexy and manly he looks when doing something with his hands that he enjoys. I love his random, widespread knowledge on everything from science, politics and history to technology, finance and mechanics.
I know he is capable of so much and I feel I do love him for who he is, not for who I want him to be. I used to want to change more about him, which I know is not love at all. It is something I grapple with – do I love him enough? I certainly do plenty for him and our futures. I know I would miss more than I probably realise if we were to part ways. And I would most certainly miss the relationships around our relationship that he has brought into my life – wonderful family and friends who I adore as much as and sometimes even more than my own.
We have wonderful plans for our future, but that doesn’t stop me from struggling with wondering what is enough? In my last session with my wonderful therapist, even though it’s something simple that I’ve known for sometime, I had a bigger realisation that I do need to alter how I see things in order to find peace. That Husband is clearly happy with how things are in our relationship and if I am to be happy too, I need to find peace within myself.