Grief reflections

After writing my last post, I had some further thoughts on my grief.

I am sorry for so very much that led me to leaving my marriage, but I know that despite there being so SO much to lose by leaving….I could not continue knowing that I was not being authentically me – and that I felt unable to be me.

Even though I have always been known for being chatty, the environment that I grew up in unfortunately did not prepare me well for emotional conversations, nor did I get good examples of how to relate to others in such ways.  I would even go as far as saying that I very much raised myself from a young age.

Silence was my safety; I could not get hurt if I stayed silent. Thus this became my maladapted behaviour when my safety was threatened in any way.

I recognise that my grief also comes from the failings I perceive….from how I wish I was from the beginning of my relationship with husband – that I wish I could have been more me.  However, I wouldn’t be the person I am today had that have been the case.

I am very grateful for all that I have experienced – the good, the bad and the ugly – for it makes me who I am today.  But I am also saddened that my marriage is another victim of the failings of my family of origin. I know that there is more to it than just that and I most certainly do not solely place the blame on my lack of upbringing, but it saddens me nonetheless.

I also grieve that the failings of me caused me not to know my husband more.   But he is not an easy man to know.

In many ways, husband was what I needed at the time that we courted and married.  But, that no longer serves me – and that is okay.

Advertisements

The grief

The enormity of the grief was unexpected. The exhaustion too. So much exhaustion.

Whilst I have had extended family members pass away and have been in the presence of grief before, I have most certainly never felt such grief – like what I imagine it to be – before now.

Grief hits at unexpected moments, a memory or thought of things we’d planned. Or doing something that I used to do for him…….wondering who is going to do that for him now. Sometimes even looking at pictures of us can be difficult, not always, but on some days it is.

The grief has surprised me as I made peace with my decision a few months ago and it has been something I deeply pondered for longer. My decision is also something that I have felt strong intuition about. The more I listened to myself and allowed me to hear myself, the more it felt right for me.

I have been praised for my bravery and courage in making such a decision, as well as following through and acting on it. It certainly wasn’t an easy decision to make at all. Some people have definitely been shocked by the news, which was to be expected.

It seems to be when chatting with those whose opinions I value, who are shocked that have sometimes made me question myself.  And I do know that nothing is black and white in this world.

But I also know what I want – and as much as it hurts at times, what I want are things that husband never was nor could be.

Feed me, feast on me

A couple of recent conversations with TheMaster…..goddamn he speaks my language so well.  Things are rather crazy for both of us at the moment and we likely won’t see each other until November.  I, for one, cannot wait. I know it will be beyond amazing.

[late evening message]
Master: So, I didn’t get to keep the photos you sent yesterday….care to re-share?

[early morning reply]
Magenta: {sent image}

[instantaneous response]

Master: Stunning

Magenta: {sent another image}

Master: Your legs are fucking yum. Could lick them to your pussy with ease

Magenta: Good morning lol

Master: Morning. Just in gym.

Magenta: Here’s something for post gym {sent image of me bent over, a fave shot of his}

Master: Fucking erection creating yum!

Magenta: Shame I can’t sort that out. I’m starving too.

Master: I bet you are. No play?

Magenta: No play.  Considered it but don’t want sub-par.  The junk food variety leaves you feeling just like actual junk food – grubby and undernourished.  Gourmet is worth the wait, even if it is November.

Master: 😜

******************

Magenta: It’s warm here today, finally.  I’m in the red version of the scoop back dress you’ve seen a pic of. With a scarf to make it more corporate lol. So here’s a daydream for your Friday afternoon:

Yes, I’m sure you would love to drop to your knees with me in this dress. Then get up, bend me over, fuck me good & proper.  Use my scarf if you wish.  After that, I will lose my dress, scarf used appropriately & on my knees.  Be fed & feast on you. Come on face if you wish. Clean me up (scarf is handy like that). Dress back on (minus the scarf, maybe even commando).  Yes, the girls like this dress too. Go out, pick up someone to join us. Do it all again.  😈
Happy Friday, Sir.

Master: 😁😁😁

Silence is Golden

A conversation with TheMaster…

Master:
I’m sorry for being rude, it’s not intended. I’m just kinda struggling with a whole lot of things and find that when I’d normally text or talk with you is a time that I crave silence. It’s not just you that I’ve been rude to, whilst that is still not acceptable, I just want you to know it’s not you, it is me and my world of “fucking hell”.
I’m ok, just trying to put a 20,000 piece puzzle together in poor light!

Magenta:
Hey! I’m not finding you rude, but thank you for the acknowledgement of what could be seen as ignorance or similar.
You taught me about silence. Well, I mean I finally “got it” about presence & silence because of you, so I totally get it. 

Glad to know you’re ok, please do look after yourself.

Love the analogy & I get it. 

My bandaid is completely off & I’m learning more and more to let go of expectation. I wasn’t expecting the magnitude of exhaustion and I’m sure there’s more to come. 

Silence is needed to hear yourself, listen to your soul without the noise of your mind. Cos your soul is where your truth exists. I get that. It’s the most important – well for me it is, after realising my mind has been ruling for far too long. Take your silence to hear yourself, it’s incredibly important now more than ever.

Synchronicity & serendipity

Since deciding to step out of my pretty little garden and knock the hinges off the gate, I have experienced SO much synchronicity – which at times has been as comforting as it has been heartbreaking in the moment.

One example of such synchronicity, was hearing two different versions of the song Landslide which I posted earlier this year, whilst driving home one night recently.

At the time that I posted Landslide with the simple title, it spoke to me in a different way than what it has more recently.  Back then it was more that yes, I was afraid of changing because I had always seen my life a certain way.

More recently, I’ve realised extra meanings of this song (by my interpretation). This verse in particular speaks volumes to me about self-love and speaking your truth

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Can the child within my heart rise above? – This speaks to me about being who you truly are….what does your soul say? What ignites your spirit? Who are you when you peel back the masks and unveil? When you sink into your heart space?

My answer is a resounding YES.

Yes, I love you but I love me more.
Yes, the child within my heart can rise above.
Yes, I can sail through the changing ocean tides
Yes, I CAN handle the seasons of my life.

 

Shortly after, in the same car trip home, I heard this:

Nobody said it was easy
It’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh, take me back to the start

This track definitely aided a few tears from me. It is absolutely fucking hard. Not an easy choice for anyone. Yes it takes courage, I do wish I could go back to the start but at the same time I wouldn’t be where I am today if things hadn’t happened exactly how they did…..

I do hope to post soon about what stepping out my garden has entailed, but there is a lot to juggle at present.

I have been blessed by so much love and support – grateful to realise how many amazing friends I have, when I’d always thought I didn’t have many at all.

M.I.A Magenta

Just a quick update to say hi 👐

I’m still here.

I have been meaning to post (including a draft blog I had already half-prepared in tribute to my dear friend Ava, I will get to that soon!).

There is much for me to catch up on in the blogging world, and I do look forward to that, but it may be some time  yet before I can check out all that I want to.

I will say for now, that I have left the garden and gone through the gate. Such actions have brought about more requirements for rest and stillness – in mind and body.

I have many learnings to ponder and share that I look forward to blogging about.

In the meantime, I just wanted to state for the record that I haven’t stopped following anyone – just working through my new realities.

Soon enough, Spring will be sprung and – as is synonymous with Spring – new growth abounds, things are cleared and the fragrant aroma of nature delights the senses.