…the beginning of the end

The saga of the ending with TheMaster is best told by sharing our email exchange. I do wish to dissect things to a point, as my way of learning and processing, but this certainly says a lot.

I decided to send him the note below after spending time over the holidays with good friends and their darling children…… I realised that I should take a step back from contacting TheMaster as he was in the midst of fighting for custody of his own and I couldn’t imagine having to deal with that on top of everything else that comes with leaving your marriage…..having to set up home for more than just yourself, and all the rest of it.

Hi,
I just wanted to send you a note to set out my position…..because I like being clear, without ambiguity, although I know things aren’t static, nor black and white. I don’t like to assume but I also don’t want to ask anything of you right now – not out of a lack of respect for myself, but out of respect for both of our situations and current headspace loads.
My position is simple – I would like to know you. I would like you in my life. I have enjoyed many things in the time that I have known the little that I know of you.

I only wish to ask to be given the opportunity to make my own decision in requesting to know you and to be able to make my own mind up if I do wish to know you more – no comments of there being better around or things like that. My choice is still to request to know you more, whenever that time may come.

As you know, I am not ‘twiddling my thumbs‘ waiting around for the right moment. And I am certainly not ready to be dating any time soon. But when that time comes, I want to have clarity on knowing where I stand with you.

I don’t want to ‘go away’ but I feel that I should for the time being, please correct me if I am wrong…….but I really don’t want to be adding to any extra crap in your life right now.

Spending time with my girlfriend’s children on the weekend gave me added respect for you and your situation….the courage it took to make your choice that you did. I know that the typical societal view is to berate someone in your position but I find it inspiring and commanding of much respect….pursuing authenticity, truth and fulfillment. My nephews are amazing but I can’t imagine having to do that solo, let alone more than two. And on top of everything else.

I know I have found separating more challenging than I had anticipated and, whilst I have had plenty of added shit in my life, I can’t even imagine how suckful your journey has been.

If you do not wish to know me, please just say so. I am honestly good either way. One thing I know for certain is that I am never going to coerce anything in the future that isn’t a natural ‘fuck yes’, to quote a good Mark Manson article. You are clearly a fuck yes to many and most definitely a fuck yes for me.

If you’re not a fuck yes to knowing me, I am totally fine with that. But, if that is the case, I would like to be able to say goodbye.

I certainly don’t expect or need an essay reply, a simple fuck yes will suffice…..and yes I will be quieter perhaps, although I’m not saying ball is in your court. But if I’m not a fuck yes, please give consideration to when a goodbye can be had.

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I Hate You, I Love You

I want to preface this post with a note to say that I’m not feeling melancholic or bitter at all in the present moment.  I had actually thought of this song on a few occasions during the course of my journey with TheMaster.  I heard it again today and wanted to post it.  I am yet to speak to TheMaster and I certainly don’t literally hate him but there are elements of such feelings.

And really, I just love this song.

Some of the lyrics that truly speak to me, in relation to TheMaster, are ones I have highlighted in some way below.  A reminder that I am typically a literal, analytical INFJ but I want to state for the record that some of the lyrics aren’t ones I identify with at all in relation to TheMaster.

I don’t feel that I need or needed him…..wanted, yes absolutely.  I don’t identify with the harsh bitterness in these lyrics nor the creepy behaviour (watching you etc…yes taking it literally) but I do hate that I loved him.  It feels a bit silly in parts but I do think that I felt that.  I hate that I haven’t come across anyone who I’d put above him yet…..in terms of fucking at least, but that is a hard one to judge because perhaps the sex seemed so good due to my initial infatuation.  I also have yet to communicate with anyone in the same manner as some of my favourite conversations with him.

I do hate that I want him but he wants her and needs her. I’m happy being me though, I don’t want to be anyone else.

I do miss him. And sometimes I can’t sleep or eat. I definitely got attached when it was fucking around. Friends can definitely break your heart too.

Caution tape is absolutely being placed around my heart. I do wonder what he wondered, if anything….which he clearly did on the odd occasion.

I absolutely, 100% do know that I control my thoughts and I should stop reminiscing.

But most definitely, if I were him I would never let me go.

via Exposed Lyrics
[Verse 1: Olivia O’Brien]
Feeling used
But I’m
Still missing you
And I can’t
See the end of this
Just wanna feel your kiss
Against my lips
And now all this time
Is passing by
But I still can’t seem to tell you why
It hurts me every time I see you
Realize how much I need you

[Hook: Olivia O’Brien]
I hate you I love you
I hate that I love you
Don’t want to, but I can’t put
Nobody else above you
I hate you I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I’ll never be her

[Verse 2: Gnash]
I miss you when I can’t sleep
Or right after coffee
Or right when I can’t eat
I miss you in my front seat
Still got sand in my sweaters
From nights we don’t remember
Do you miss me like I miss you?
Fucked around and got attached to you
Friends can break your heart too, and
I’m always tired but never of you
If I pulled a you on you, you wouldn’t like that shit
I put this reel out, but you wouldn’t bite that shit
I type a text but then I never mind that shit
I got these feelings but you never mind that shit
Oh oh, keep it on the low
You’re still in love with me but your friends don’t know
If u wanted me you would just say so
And if I were you, I would never let me go
I don’t mean no harm
I just miss you on my arm
Wedding bells were just alarms
Caution tape around my heart
You ever wonder what we could have been?
You said you wouldn’t and you fucking did
Lie to me, lie with me, get your fucking fix
Now all my drinks and all my feelings are all fucking mixed
Always missing people that I shouldn’t be missing
Sometimes you gotta burn some bridges just to create some distance
I know that I control my thoughts and I should stop reminiscing
But I learned from my dad that it’s good to have feelings
When love and trust are gone
I guess this is moving on
Everyone I do right does me wrong
So every lonely night, I sing this song

[Hook: Olivia O’Brien and Gnash]
I hate you I love you
I hate that I love you
Don’t want to, but I can’t put
Nobody else above you
I hate you I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I’ll never be her

[Bridge: Olivia O’ Brien and Gnash]
All alone I watch you watch her
Like she’s the only girl you’ve ever seen
You don’t care you never did
You don’t give a damn about me
Yeah all alone I watch you watch her
She’s the only thing you’ve ever seen
How is it you never notice
That you are slowly killing me

[Hook: Olivia O’Brien]
I hate you I love you
I hate that I love you
Don’t want to, but I can’t put
Nobody else above you
I hate you I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I’ll never be her

New Year, New Anthem/s

I am alive. I am here. I am more than alive. And happy new year to you.

Much to catch up on, I do apologise I have been rather manic Magenta of late (divorce and illness will do that to you) and I have been very much missing the musings of my favourite blogs as well as publishing my own tales (4 drafts, no less – a LOT to catch up on).

I must update about TheMaster. A pretty huge update, which will take me some time to reflect on how to post about it. I wish I could post about it in its entirety but I fear it would compromise his anonymity. I will say for now that he is TheMaster no more. Well, he will always be TheMaster to Magenta, but his heart belongs to another. Rather poetic yet bittersweet.  I hope that we will be friends but we have yet to have that conversation.

I may have touched on some of these to come already but I may as well put it here so I push myself to finish these drafts and post! Posts to come are:

Keeping Up with TheJoneses
TheItalian Job
The Perks of Being a Unicorn
The Sunday Sesh

Now, onto my anthems….. “Just do you” came out of a wonderful weekend connecting with a couple of girlfriends. I have been seeing this a lot. I am listening and I am heeding the signs. Me first – light my fire so I can spread the light.

The other anthem I discovered is this beautiful track by Syde featuring Olivia Reid. Lyrics below. So poignant for me right now.  I do feel brand new. And I am on the way to do what I’m meant to do.

[Verse 1]
Free
Freedom to be whoever I wanna be
See whatever I wanna see
Breathe the air that I wanna breathe
Feels like my life is a dream
Where I don’t need you to believe in me

[Chorus]
‘Cause, oh, I feel brand new
And I love the view
I’m on my way to do
What I’m meant to do
‘Cause, oh, I feel brand new
And I love the view
I’m on my way to do
What I’m meant to do

[Verse 2]
I wanna wake up the light in my eyes
Goin’ blind ’cause darlin’ our future’s too bright
Running on my own world tour
Country, country, more and more
Wrong turn here, right turn there
I can lead myself anywhere
Love you to the moon and back again
Best believe I mean what I said
Free to fall, every now and then
Take a chance, every chance I can
Running, running, and I’m gone
A dreamer chasin’ the sun
My journey’s just begun
See where I can run

[Bridge]
I want to run through the rain
And no more songs about love or ’bout pain
I keep my head up, above the clouds
‘Cause I got no time to be brought down

[Chorus]
‘Cause, oh, I feel brand new
And I love the view
I’m on my way to do
What I’m meant to do

[Bridge]
I want to run through the rain
And no more songs about love or ’bout pain
I keep my head up, above the clouds
‘Cause I got no time to be brought down

TheSmiths & I

Ahhh……the ever-delightful Mr & Mrs Smith.

I happened to join a messenger group, which is where I found Mrs Smith. This group is for bi or bi-curious ladies, so it was quite an exciting discovery for me, as I have posted before about having hunted for a girl to join TheMaster and I.

After some initial banter with Mrs Smith, outside of the group chat, I was a little surprised when I didn’t hear much more from her as she had commented approvingly when I’d shared a picture or two in the group.  I thought I’d have a go at putting myself out there, without being pushy, and decided to ask one day whether she was happy to hear ‘my spiel’ – as in what I was looking for and what I could offer.  I think there was about a day in between responses but, as I hadn’t really taken the time yet to write out my spiel, when I finally heard from Mrs Smith the day after my offer, I didn’t get around to finishing my response until the evening.

Once I had however, we had some quick back-forth banter during which I shared a short video clip that I had in my repertoire of enticing goodies….something that I had actually created for TheMaster that is of a dimly lit view of my lips and mouth, seductively playing with my fingers, coupled with some sexy sound effects, that ends with me saying in a sexy voice….”goddamn I wish that was your cock”.  After sharing this clip, Mrs Smith commented that her hubby had an immediate hard-on and had stated “get her here now!”.

In our chatting, we discovered we were both having quiet evenings and that I actually lived fairly close to them. We established that it was possible for me to join them that evening, although I was apprehensive as I was awaiting the arrival of an unfortunate monthly visitor…..but this didn’t put off Mrs Smith, she sweetly said that they could avoid any penetration of me so as not to bring about the arrival.  

I needed to shower and we had a quick video chat to say hi before I got in the shower.

Confirming that we both liked what we saw via video chat, it became apparent that this was going to happen. I could hardly contain my excitement.  I was feeling a bit unsure of the Smiths’ attraction to me – I know my booty gets highly rated and several playmates have commented on me having an attractive face and features…..but Mrs Smith is seriously other-worldly.  I managed to push my apprehension aside and drove over to their house.

When I arrived, I was greeted by Mrs Smith, who was wearing a simple black slip dress, her face was relatively bare and naturally gorgeous.  Mr Smith said hello as I entered their house; he had to duck out momentarily to help a friend nearby but this gave Mrs Smith and I a chance to settle in and chat.  We uncovered some similarities and when Mr Smith returned, they were both impressed to discover that I have my motorbike license – as Mr Smith is an avid fan of both cars and bikes.

As we were chatting, I decided to get more comfortable settling in for the evening and stripped down to my underwear, removing the top and jeans I had arrived in. Mr Smith had a shower and Mrs Smith invited me in to the bedroom to get things started. I was a little surprised myself at how comfortable I felt.  We started kissing and enjoying each other’s skin.  Taking off her slip dress, I was in absolute amazement at how incredible Mrs Smith looked in the flesh.  Mrs Smith has beautifully supple, smooth skin and the most amazing full breasts (E-cup I later found out) all wrapped up on a shapely, but genetically blessed and taut, size 8 – 10 body.  Mr Smith soon joined us fresh from his shower and it wasn’t long before they both encouraged me to not be shy in having my first go at eating pussy.

I was delighted to find that Mrs Smith’s smooth and supple skin continued to be of the same standard on her incredible pussy.  I wasn’t expecting Mrs Smith to taste as sweet and…..un-pussy-like as she did.  I don’t know how else to describe it, haha!  I was also surprised to discover how much I enjoyed it.  Remembering the way that TheMaster pleasures me, I employed some of my favourite tricks of his in my own execution.  Gently nibbling on Mrs Smith’s clit, interspersed with some labia stimulation with my tongue, I took pauses to lightly blow cool air on her pussy just the way I enjoyed TheMaster doing so on mine.

I delighted in hearing Mrs Smith’s murmurs and approving gasps.  Moving to stimulate Mrs Smith with my fingers, I continued to simultaneously massage her clit with my tongue whilst also caressing her incredible body. Something I find that seems to get lost with many men, is the lack of extra sensory stimulation whilst being treated to oral sex. I never realised how important this part was until experiencing it with TheMaster.  I was delighted to be able to carry forward my lessons from him, in pleasuring another woman. Being my first time giving oral pleasure to a woman, I got a little lost in the moment and didn’t quite pick up Mrs Smith’s cues on having reached climax, but climax she did.  Both she and Mr Smith were impressed with my manner and skills, which was extremely pleasing to hear as a first-timer.  Pausing to enjoy some chat momentarily, we were all perplexed discussing their previous female encounters (I was their 4th) and the fact that Mrs Smith had yet to orgasm with any other playmate before me.  I was really quite surprised to learn that my skills were so well received.

The Smiths and I continued to enjoy playing with each other in a similar way for a while longer.  I thoroughly enjoyed myself despite being unable to be penetrated due to the arrival of my monthly visitor.  

Before long, we realised it had reached the early hours of the morning.  Piling into bed at around 5am, I couldn’t believe how energised I had felt the whole time.

I left the Smith’s house around midday. Sending them a thank you message when i got home, they responded just as positively stating that I had been their favourite girl thus far.

The delectable Mrs Smith

I still need to get around to writing about the Smiths but I just needed to have a brag moment about how much of a goddess Mrs Smith is.

I.Seriously. Just. Can’t. Even.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think my first girl experience would be with such an easygoing, amazing specimen of a woman.

I don’t really want to say specimen as if I’m inferring that Mrs Smith is a piece of meat…but dayumnnn this woman is fiiiiiiiine.

Mrs Smith is seriously a doppelganger for Shannon Elizabeth (Nadia from the American Pie movies), no joke.   More doppelganger in figure (although also dark-haired), and a certainly more womanly body….part Nadia, part Jessica Rabbit and 100% goddess.

On love

I’ve recently discovered an amazing writer and came across this description of love that he had written, which really resonated with me:

I completely agree that hate is best broken down by spreading more love.

I love the first line of the above paragraph:

Love is that feeling where great desire mixes with a deep connection of belonging and acceptance.

I have been contemplating whether it is possible to truly know whether you really feel love for someone (as opposed to lust or idealised infatuation) when you don’t know them very well, and I think the above really helps clarify that for me.

A “deep connection of belonging and acceptance”, in my eyes, can be summed up by a feeling of somewhere or someone who feels like home.

As someone who grew up without ever truly identifying with a place or person that felt “like home” until I was an adult, I do believe I can honestly say that my feelings of “home” aren’t laced with memories and child-like wonder.

For me, home is where the heart is.

When you quieten your mind and surrender to the silence, what do you feel? What does your soul tell you?

When your energy flows freely and you have balanced chi, what answers are unveiled?

When you connect with someone who feels like “home” (where you belong and feel accepted), whether that connection is platonic or romantic, why is there so much fear in showing love? In giving love? In spreading love?

Although I guess the fear isn’t in the actions, but in labeling such actions vocally as love.

If we desire to quash the spread of hate in the world, why be so quiet about love?

I do genuinely ask this, as I continue to heal and ponder my future romantic love – as someone with virtually zero relationship experience apart from my marriage. If you truly feel love in your bones, in your soul, in the very essence of your being…..if you are able to give your love freely, without expectation of it being returned….if your giving of love doesn’t have conditions (….because they love me……because they put me up on a pedestal..) then why not shout your love from the rooftops, so to speak?

If your love makes someone uneasy or afraid, then they are not ready for your love.

Sure it may hurt that your love is not returned, but you just need to love yourself harder.

Keep filling our own cup.  Nourishing yourself. Loving yourself.

Because your vibe attracts your tribe – and when you are shining so luminously, you will also become a beacon, brightening the world…..spreading light….

And with so much light, it’s much harder for the dark to set in.

Shine brightly, my friends x

Midnight O’Cock

He spotted me as I parked, walking over to collect me from my car.  Pulling me in for a kiss, it was nice to enjoy his comfortable playfulness again.

Taking my hand, he guided me across the grass in the dark in search of the familiar bench beneath the trees.  I giggled at the memory of losing my underwear the last time we’d fucked here. Fortunately tonight was quite balmy, so I had met him in a dress commando.

Arriving at the bench, we kissed some more and he got me to perch up on the back of the bench whilst he got down to feast on me.  Getting up, he told me how much he’d been looking forward to this in his last hour at work, which was evidenced by his bulging hard cock.  I took it into my mouth and enjoyed swallowing his cock, working my way up and down his shaft.

It was almost midnight and we both had to get up early for work, so it wasn’t long before he put on a condom and entered me from behind.  I hinged over for a better angle and realised that I was able to easily bounce on his cock as we were both standing, using the bench to steady myself.  I enjoyed riding him this way for a short time before he also began to rhythmically pound me. He withdrew and sat on the bench so I could mount him.  I rode him briefly as he sat, before he stood up, with me wrapped around him.

He continued to thrust into me as he held me up, my legs wrapped around his waist – a position I quite enjoy with him as he seems to be able to hold me up comfortably. But tonight I was craving to be fucked quick, hard and dirty – so, putting me down and turning me around, he once again entered me from behind. Fucking me deeply as I grinded my hips back into him, hinging forward onto the bench. It felt so good to have him inside me, I lifted one leg to wrap behind him and draw him in closer, enjoying feeling his cock hit me in all the right spots.

Returning my leg to the ground, I hinged forward again as he pummeled me with his cock, making me gasp in delight as I got closer and closer before he erupted.  Feeling a  throbbing cock erupt, as I am on the brink of climax, always seems to make me follow suit in the most delicious fashion.  I felt my pussy pulse as he was inside me, enjoying the most delightful release.

Carefully withdrawing from me, I turned around, pulling the top of my dress down to enjoy some skin whilst he caught his breath. After cleaning himself up, we kissed a little more before he walked me back to my car.  Passing a water fountain along the way, he paused to have a drink.

At my car, he once again pulled me in for a deep kiss before we said goodnight and parted ways.