M.I.A Magenta

Just a quick update to say hi 👐

I’m still here.

I have been meaning to post (including a draft blog I had already half-prepared in tribute to my dear friend Ava, I will get to that soon!).

There is much for me to catch up on in the blogging world, and I do look forward to that, but it may be some time  yet before I can check out all that I want to.

I will say for now, that I have left the garden and gone through the gate. Such actions have brought about more requirements for rest and stillness – in mind and body.

I have many learnings to ponder and share that I look forward to blogging about.

In the meantime, I just wanted to state for the record that I haven’t stopped following anyone – just working through my new realities.

Soon enough, Spring will be sprung and – as is synonymous with Spring – new growth abounds, things are cleared and the fragrant aroma of nature delights the senses.

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Faster against the wall

*Edited to add – I only just realised that Samantha Alexia has taken down her blog hence this repost doesn’t appear correctly. Here’s hoping she comes back! x

From a wonderful writer, who I discovered via my friend Ava.

Absolutely love this piece, thank you Samantha x

To TheMaster (if you ever read this) – yes please, Sir.  Well, perhaps not absolutely all of it, but most of it. I have no doubt that your delivery and execution inspired by this verse would be second to none. Plus – lucky me – MrWall in the pic? He ain’t got nothin’ on my Master.

 

A reminder to be objective

“An objective perspective is one that is not influenced by emotions, opinions, or personal feelings – it is a perspective based in fact, in things quantifiable and measurable.

A subjective perspective is one open to greater interpretation based on personal feeling, emotion, aesthetics, etc.”

TheMaster & I had a couple of nice conversations this week.

It was really lovely to chat rather than text – whilst we understand each other fine via text, talking with him feels really comfortable. Gosh I talk way too much and I do feel like I need to be a better listener (how do you get people to talk?!).

I love the way TheMaster listens and challenges me, always in a respectful and gentle (sometimes playful) manner.  It was uncanny that, during one of our conversations, he reinforced a lesson I’d been reminded of at work during the week by my boss – a reminder in letting go of things that don’t matter.

We chatted about what we’d been up to and he spoke of his weekend visit to my hometown, which I posted about when questioning mindfuckery. His trip had been to take his sons to a sports match that was on in my town, so quite understandable that there was zero chance of saying hi and I’m sure he didn’t even think I would be annoyed at his casual mention of having been here.

Being more objective is definitely something that has been a big learning for me in recent years. Having been raised in such turbulence with constant fight or flight situations, I am typically quick to interpret and react – as this was a need to keep me safe growing up. This ingrained behaviour doesn’t serve me as well in adulthood.

With my recent learnings in letting go and practicing non-attachment, I was definitely less shitty than I might have been in the past but it was good to have the reminder to be objective!

What Katy did next

Oh Kate Rose…..how I love your prose!

I have professed my love of this writer’s way with words a few times before – so much of what she writes truly resonates with me.

I just read one of her latest articles today and it articulates much of what I have come to feel is true for me recently.

I have come to realise that whilst I do love Husband and we have created some amazing memories together…….I believe that I fell in love with him out of ‘ego’ – very much with my head. Sure, there was an element of heart there and there is certainly much that I admire and love about him still……but it’s never been a soulful love.  The paragraph I’ve highlighted below very much resonates with my recent realisations.

The whole article is definitely worth reading…..the words truly speak to my soul.

Of all the “logical” things in this world—love isn’t one of them.

It’s been said that we never love in the same way twice. While that’s true because each person is different and so is the way in which we care about them, what it boils down to is: Do we love them with our head or with our heart?

This isn’t an issue of one way being preferable over another, but there are differences in authenticity, longevity, and depth that each just naturally exudes.

It seems that for many of us our first—or first few—loves are based more in our heads than our hearts. It’s not to say that we don’t actually feel genuine love for them, but it’s usually a logical love, even if it is profound.

For many of us, as we age we don’t really grow up, but rather grow out of the boxes that we either were placed in as children or placed ourselves in to conform. When we’re young and not yet developed into our authentic selves, we tend to believe that love is a choice of convenience and reason.

We chose partners based on what we felt we wanted or needed, and to help fulfill the role that we believed we had to live up to in society—and perhaps we even felt that we were happy.

It’s a love that makes sense, that doesn’t challenge our place in the world, and through our decisions, we fulfill the roles that we feel compelled to.

Loving with our head may even be satisfying—but it’s not soul-enriching.

Very often, we will believe ourselves to be content because our ego is comfortable in that love. It knows what to expect, and it feels good because others approve of our path and the partner that we have chosen to stand with in this life.

Our hearts tend to grow into love with someone who will help us question our own lives and belief systems—the type of person who will, through our own experiences with them, help propel us further along our own paths of self-development…..

Mind-fuckery?

Since TheMaster revealed his marital woes to me four-weeks ago, I have been conscious of honouring myself and taking time for my own space as well as just letting him be.

In that time, we’ve had a couple of very sporadic chats including one that resulted in him over-reacting which he apologised for the next evening.  It was after he made a seemingly off-the-cuff comment of  “You have quite a strong feeling for me, don’t you“, to which I replied “You’re asking me this via text??“.  TheMaster later responded “Never mind”, to which I said “Why never mind?“.  I was annoyed by this exchange and shared my annoyance with a friend who retorted that he was being ‘a twat’.

Being that he called himself ‘an arse’ not that long ago, in recognition of his occasional arse-like ways, I didn’t think it would be an issue to share with him that my friend had called him a twat.  Long story short, he got quite shitty about being called a twat and mouthed off incessantly (all via Messenger text) – which I recognised as something deeper going on for him so I just let him be. In apologising for his over-reaction the next evening, he confirmed that he wasn’t okay but wasn’t up for talking.  In respecting that, I asked him to let me know he was okay sometime as I do worry about him – to which he responded with a ‘thumbs up’ emoji.

A few days later I sent him a note checking in, I inquired if he had been enjoying the book I’d sent him and asked if he had time to chat but he replied saying he needed head space.  I completely understood and respected this, and left him be once again. This was one week ago.

Yesterday, TheMaster sent me a message commenting that  “Well, that was a fucking cold weekend!” to which I responded quizzingly (as where he lives is quite warm compared to my hometown).  He later replied that he had been in my hometown over the weekend. Just a simple statement, just like that.

I don’t quite know what his intention was by telling me this in such a way.  I get that we all perceive things differently to others and perhaps my interpretation was not what he intended.

Was it to display his lack of care for me? Or perhaps he simply didn’t think it would affect me to tell me – after the fact  – that he had been in my hometown for the weekend? Trying to bring me down from my acknowledgement of having strong feelings for him?

Well whatever his intention was, I will acknowledge that it hurt a little. Despite being calm in my response, replying,”I see. Well, yes it was great fucking weather” (that was a literal ‘fucking’ by the way – TheMaster and I often speak of ‘fucking weather’ in jest), I will admit it hurt to know he had been so close but didn’t want to let me know nor try to even see me to say hi.  I get that perhaps he couldn’t say hi due to whatever circumstances, but such actions seem to speak volumes to me – although that is my view at present, which I am happy to be challenged on.

Such events reinforce to me that I need to continue honouring myself, my truth – do things that are true for me and are not influenced by others.

So, on that note…..standby whilst I continue to balance my throat chakra and prepare to open the gate….

 

 

Truth seeker

Wow.

I just came across this verse that I absolutely loved as a child. I may have been a tween. I remember having it written out somewhere and I loved reading it……but somewhere along the way I had totally forgotten about it.

….I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself

7febc361c510abc6dd4234e6ffed9e85Somewhere….in between seeking comfort and safety from the trauma I was raised in, I feel like I perhaps lost myself. All of my maladapted behaviours made me fearful of speaking my truth, hearing my truth, being my truth.

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I think I am well on my way to finding it again….now to have the courage to speak it and let it out…