Please don’t go

Since our most recent spate of sporadic messaging, things have been more subdued with TheMaster……no doubt due to the craziness of our individual versions of “fucking hell” that we are both working through – not only with the ending of our respective marriages but our wider lives too.

The quietness hasn’t really bothered me at all as I truly appreciate how difficult things must be right now, as my reality has been similar but different.

However, my soul yearns for a wonderful man, who can’t be in my life right now – but I know that he is worth the wait.

My heart aches for him but it does not hurt; it pines, but not with sadness.

He is such a fierce protector, nurturer and carer that he thinks we should say goodbye…..out of fear that his lack of presence hurts me too much – it kills him to think that I hurt.

But I don’t hurt from his lack of presence or response.

Such a statement of his makes my heart swell even more.

Some may call me naive, foolish or accuse me of wearing rose-coloured glasses – but this? This, I feel in my bones.

Magenta: My truth is that I would like to see you this year – whether it is November or any other time.  But I am conscious of your fucking hell & health.  No expectations or obligations, but that is my truth.

Master: Morning M, I’ll make sure we catch up when you are in town but I think it’s best we agree that should be our goodbye.  Whilst I know you are happy with presence, it kills me knowing that you send ten messages to my one.  With every non-response, I know it hurts you, and I don’t want to hurt you anymore.

Magenta: I’m sorry it kills you but that is you – it doesn’t kill me.  Don’t let something that isn’t true kill you.  You don’t hurt me – I know my choices, I moved on from such a while ago.  You can choose to walk away if you wish, if that is your truth, but I choose to stay.   I’m no crazybitch but I will be here. I’m happy to own my choice.

Master: 😘

 

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Feed me, feast on me

A couple of recent conversations with TheMaster…..goddamn he speaks my language so well.  Things are rather crazy for both of us at the moment and we likely won’t see each other until November.  I, for one, cannot wait. I know it will be beyond amazing.

[late evening message]
Master: So, I didn’t get to keep the photos you sent yesterday….care to re-share?

[early morning reply]
Magenta: {sent image}

[instantaneous response]

Master: Stunning

Magenta: {sent another image}

Master: Your legs are fucking yum. Could lick them to your pussy with ease

Magenta: Good morning lol

Master: Morning. Just in gym.

Magenta: Here’s something for post gym {sent image of me bent over, a fave shot of his}

Master: Fucking erection creating yum!

Magenta: Shame I can’t sort that out. I’m starving too.

Master: I bet you are. No play?

Magenta: No play.  Considered it but don’t want sub-par.  The junk food variety leaves you feeling just like actual junk food – grubby and undernourished.  Gourmet is worth the wait, even if it is November.

Master: 😜

******************

Magenta: It’s warm here today, finally.  I’m in the red version of the scoop back dress you’ve seen a pic of. With a scarf to make it more corporate lol. So here’s a daydream for your Friday afternoon:

Yes, I’m sure you would love to drop to your knees with me in this dress. Then get up, bend me over, fuck me good & proper.  Use my scarf if you wish.  After that, I will lose my dress, scarf used appropriately & on my knees.  Be fed & feast on you. Come on face if you wish. Clean me up (scarf is handy like that). Dress back on (minus the scarf, maybe even commando).  Yes, the girls like this dress too. Go out, pick up someone to join us. Do it all again.  😈
Happy Friday, Sir.

Master: 😁😁😁

Silence is Golden

A conversation with TheMaster…

Master:
I’m sorry for being rude, it’s not intended. I’m just kinda struggling with a whole lot of things and find that when I’d normally text or talk with you is a time that I crave silence. It’s not just you that I’ve been rude to, whilst that is still not acceptable, I just want you to know it’s not you, it is me and my world of “fucking hell”.
I’m ok, just trying to put a 20,000 piece puzzle together in poor light!

Magenta:
Hey! I’m not finding you rude, but thank you for the acknowledgement of what could be seen as ignorance or similar.
You taught me about silence. Well, I mean I finally “got it” about presence & silence because of you, so I totally get it. 

Glad to know you’re ok, please do look after yourself.

Love the analogy & I get it. 

My bandaid is completely off & I’m learning more and more to let go of expectation. I wasn’t expecting the magnitude of exhaustion and I’m sure there’s more to come. 

Silence is needed to hear yourself, listen to your soul without the noise of your mind. Cos your soul is where your truth exists. I get that. It’s the most important – well for me it is, after realising my mind has been ruling for far too long. Take your silence to hear yourself, it’s incredibly important now more than ever.

A reminder to be objective

“An objective perspective is one that is not influenced by emotions, opinions, or personal feelings – it is a perspective based in fact, in things quantifiable and measurable.

A subjective perspective is one open to greater interpretation based on personal feeling, emotion, aesthetics, etc.”

TheMaster & I had a couple of nice conversations this week.

It was really lovely to chat rather than text – whilst we understand each other fine via text, talking with him feels really comfortable. Gosh I talk way too much and I do feel like I need to be a better listener (how do you get people to talk?!).

I love the way TheMaster listens and challenges me, always in a respectful and gentle (sometimes playful) manner.  It was uncanny that, during one of our conversations, he reinforced a lesson I’d been reminded of at work during the week by my boss – a reminder in letting go of things that don’t matter.

We chatted about what we’d been up to and he spoke of his weekend visit to my hometown, which I posted about when questioning mindfuckery. His trip had been to take his sons to a sports match that was on in my town, so quite understandable that there was zero chance of saying hi and I’m sure he didn’t even think I would be annoyed at his casual mention of having been here.

Being more objective is definitely something that has been a big learning for me in recent years. Having been raised in such turbulence with constant fight or flight situations, I am typically quick to interpret and react – as this was a need to keep me safe growing up. This ingrained behaviour doesn’t serve me as well in adulthood.

With my recent learnings in letting go and practicing non-attachment, I was definitely less shitty than I might have been in the past but it was good to have the reminder to be objective!

Mind-fuckery?

Since TheMaster revealed his marital woes to me four-weeks ago, I have been conscious of honouring myself and taking time for my own space as well as just letting him be.

In that time, we’ve had a couple of very sporadic chats including one that resulted in him over-reacting which he apologised for the next evening.  It was after he made a seemingly off-the-cuff comment of  “You have quite a strong feeling for me, don’t you“, to which I replied “You’re asking me this via text??“.  TheMaster later responded “Never mind”, to which I said “Why never mind?“.  I was annoyed by this exchange and shared my annoyance with a friend who retorted that he was being ‘a twat’.

Being that he called himself ‘an arse’ not that long ago, in recognition of his occasional arse-like ways, I didn’t think it would be an issue to share with him that my friend had called him a twat.  Long story short, he got quite shitty about being called a twat and mouthed off incessantly (all via Messenger text) – which I recognised as something deeper going on for him so I just let him be. In apologising for his over-reaction the next evening, he confirmed that he wasn’t okay but wasn’t up for talking.  In respecting that, I asked him to let me know he was okay sometime as I do worry about him – to which he responded with a ‘thumbs up’ emoji.

A few days later I sent him a note checking in, I inquired if he had been enjoying the book I’d sent him and asked if he had time to chat but he replied saying he needed head space.  I completely understood and respected this, and left him be once again. This was one week ago.

Yesterday, TheMaster sent me a message commenting that  “Well, that was a fucking cold weekend!” to which I responded quizzingly (as where he lives is quite warm compared to my hometown).  He later replied that he had been in my hometown over the weekend. Just a simple statement, just like that.

I don’t quite know what his intention was by telling me this in such a way.  I get that we all perceive things differently to others and perhaps my interpretation was not what he intended.

Was it to display his lack of care for me? Or perhaps he simply didn’t think it would affect me to tell me – after the fact  – that he had been in my hometown for the weekend? Trying to bring me down from my acknowledgement of having strong feelings for him?

Well whatever his intention was, I will acknowledge that it hurt a little. Despite being calm in my response, replying,”I see. Well, yes it was great fucking weather” (that was a literal ‘fucking’ by the way – TheMaster and I often speak of ‘fucking weather’ in jest), I will admit it hurt to know he had been so close but didn’t want to let me know nor try to even see me to say hi.  I get that perhaps he couldn’t say hi due to whatever circumstances, but such actions seem to speak volumes to me – although that is my view at present, which I am happy to be challenged on.

Such events reinforce to me that I need to continue honouring myself, my truth – do things that are true for me and are not influenced by others.

So, on that note…..standby whilst I continue to balance my throat chakra and prepare to open the gate….

 

 

Enlightenment and Magenta’s Mind-fuckery of Me

I am a lover of words, language and especially alliteration – hence the title of my blog and also this post.

Before I go on, I will state that my linguistical skills throughout this blog are somewhat lacking for the standards of Me.  As with most people in this day and age, life is fucking hectic – especially when you are someone who is always doing something.

Adding to this, the fact that Magenta exists in my life – resulting in this blog being unknown to those I share my life with, finding the time to write as well as I would like to (hell, even write at all!) can be tricky.

But I digress.

As much as Magenta has brought much magic and magnificence to my life, she certainly has been more than a bit of a mind-fucking bitch!

As I sit on the cusp of a year of having Magenta in my life, I have certainly grown in ways I never would have expected.  I never would have expected to have my views on relationships, love, monogamy and sex evolve in the ways that they have.

With Magenta coming into my life, I never expected to discover so much about Me.  I guess I also had some other significant factors in my life that have also contributed to the depth of enquiry into myself, but Magenta has certainly brought about many quality questions.

And despite the mind-fuckery and inner turmoil, my journey as Magenta has definitely aided in my growth and inner peace, especially more recently – although the heightened inner peace has been aided by things I have recently been reading about and learning.

I am enjoying learning more about non-attachment – as it relates to life in general, not only in relationships.  I love the questions that such learnings on attachment have brought about regarding my feelings and thoughts.  This article has some great explanations of attachment love.  Being conscious of this now, I love how freeing it is – the thought of non-attachment to things and relationships.  I also love the thought of giving love freely, without being attached to needing it reciprocated.  Attachment not only burdens the object of your attachment but also yourself.  To be able to love without attachment, is quite liberating. Another great clip on attachment love can be found here.

All of that said, despite my evolved views; more ability to be present and acknowledge; as well as more ability in seeing how everyone colours their world differently; despite becoming more familiar with recognising fantasy and romantic ideations vs reality…….. I still have periods of feeling mind-fucked by TheMaster.

I will give some examples but I do still find it somewhat annoying.  My learnings on presence and reflecting on what is real for me is certainly helping me release such negative feelings, as I know that such thoughts of mine are those which only I create.

I actually started drafting this post a couple of weeks ago but titled it “The Mindfuckery of Me by Magenta and TheMaster” as, after writing my update on ‘Magenta’s Men‘, I honestly didn’t think I would hear much from TheMaster at all.  Through my recent enlightenment learnings, I realised that the mind-fuckery was actually me and not TheMaster – I had the choice of my perceptions.

But then he reappeared in the way that he does and then disappeared again – which I only discovered when I received a bunch of blog hits one afternoon that freaked me out. I wondered if my blog had been discovered by hubby, so I tried reaching out to TheMaster only to discover he was offline on Messenger.  I tried phoning him but it went to voicemail.  I emailed his ‘messenger’ email address as a last resort, but didn’t receive a reply to for 10 days.  When he finally replied via email, he mentioned he’d had a bit going on himself and the blog hits weren’t him.

Upon hearing that he wasn’t travelling so well, I decided to send him a little care pack as I knew he enjoyed non-fiction reading, so I got him a book I thought he might enjoy.  After sending the parcel off I received an email reply from him unexpectedly the next day, in which he mentioned that he would be vacant for a while and may in fact disappear forever.  He stated in his email that he would explain more at a later date and would talk to me before disappearing for good, if that were to happen.  I mentioned that I had sent him something and apologised if this was going to cause him any issues but he responded that “a surprise from my Magenta is always welcome”. Then he was gone again, but this absence was forewarned and I understood it at least.

About a week or so later he came back online to messenger to let me know he’d received my parcel and throughout that week we had some sporadic pleasant chat as I updated him on my world.

During one exchange, I asked him about vanishing and he told me he was “here for a bit, babe”.  I asked for clarification on what ‘here’ meant and he said that “here = Messenger world”, to which I inquired further “Messenger world = play world?”.  He replied “mmm maybe. If yes, only you”.  After asking for more clarification on that response, he replied further “Play world, if I play I only wish to play with you. Make sense?”.  Later I further asked “When here = messenger world// Messenger world = me //  = I don’t exist outside of messenger world. Correct?”. To which he replied “Incorrect. You definitely exist outside of Messenger world”.

The next day he did one of his annoying mind-fuckery things, sending me a message asking “how is my girl?”, which enlightened Me recognises as a message that caused drama with my ego.  We enjoyed some ongoing chat again for the next couple of days and I helped him with a personal project later that week via email.

After another quiet couple of days, I sent him a snap of a new dress I’d bought which I knew he’d like (it was in a favourite colour of his). He replied a day or so later, telling me I looked “smokin’ “.  After a bit of cheeky back-forth messaging (including some images and a little video clip from him), during which he confirmed he would be in my town in the next couple of months, he dropped the bombshell that things weren’t great with his wife and that they were on the verge of being done.

Surprisingly, I slept okay that night – really well actually. We ended up chatting on the phone later the following day when he elaborated on happenings with his wife and we caught up a little on Magenta’s world.  He asked me how things were with my husband and I expressed that whilst there had been some recent good chats, things were still moving slowly and hubby still wasn’t really meeting my needs.

TheMaster counseled me saying that each day I let pass by without speaking my truth was another wasted day of life. He asked me if hubby had joined me at therapy (yes), and whether hubby had gone to his own therapy (no).  When I expressed my view that these things took time, he disagreed stating that it had only been a short period of time since he expressed to his wife that he wasn’t in love with her.  I was a little taken aback to hear that’s what he had done as he only mentioned via Messenger that things weren’t great.

Only just the previous week, I had been pondering myself about husband and whether we were just friends rather than husband & wife.  We certainly have never attained ‘best friend’ status in my eyes, but we are certainly good friends.  The more I ponder this, the more I feel it is true for us and I wonder if it is true for hubby too, being that our relationship is really only the first major one for both of us.

I certainly love hubby and I’m not saying that I couldn’t fall in love with him again….that’s what a good marriage is though, right?  There’s a quote that I like that says something like “a successful marriage requires falling in love several times, always with the same person”.  We certainly have plenty to lose by parting and but I do wonder if the dreams I’d like to chase are not aligned with our marriage.  I know I need to discuss these things with hubby but I guess I need to be more certain of my own truth too.  At the same time, I do wonder if I am being unfair on hubby that he is unaware of my ponderings?

I am glad I have my wonderful therapist to discuss this with and I intend to do so during our next session.

Small talk

I was at a family function the other day – I have a pretty big extended family that I rarely see.

I saw some aunties and cousins who I hadn’t seen in at least 10 years.

In a brief ‘catch up’ conversation, one relative enquired,”still happily married?”. To which I continued to smile (as I often do, as is my personality) and replied, nodding,”yeah…”.

A bit of a random question (although the relative in question was divorced), but it made me think…..

I know I definitely have it pretty good and I am grateful for everything in my life.

It takes me back to the question my therapist asked me about what was enough for me….can I live with hubby’s very detached emotional style? With less affection and compliments/ appreciation than I desire?

I do wonder if it’s unfair to hubby that he is unaware of how much I have deliberated but I also know I can’t take anything back once it’s been said.

I think I can live with things, when deliberating all the other good there is about us.

…..but then there’s that pesky sex thing. I don’t know how to illustrate just how little hubby is into sex, but maybe I’m just not right for him? Am I denying him finding someone more compatible in that respect?