A reminder to be objective

“An objective perspective is one that is not influenced by emotions, opinions, or personal feelings – it is a perspective based in fact, in things quantifiable and measurable.

A subjective perspective is one open to greater interpretation based on personal feeling, emotion, aesthetics, etc.”

TheMaster & I had a couple of nice conversations this week.

It was really lovely to chat rather than text – whilst we understand each other fine via text, talking with him feels really comfortable. Gosh I talk way too much and I do feel like I need to be a better listener (how do you get people to talk?!).

I love the way TheMaster listens and challenges me, always in a respectful and gentle (sometimes playful) manner.  It was uncanny that, during one of our conversations, he reinforced a lesson I’d been reminded of at work during the week by my boss – a reminder in letting go of things that don’t matter.

We chatted about what we’d been up to and he spoke of his weekend visit to my hometown, which I posted about when questioning mindfuckery. His trip had been to take his sons to a sports match that was on in my town, so quite understandable that there was zero chance of saying hi and I’m sure he didn’t even think I would be annoyed at his casual mention of having been here.

Being more objective is definitely something that has been a big learning for me in recent years. Having been raised in such turbulence with constant fight or flight situations, I am typically quick to interpret and react – as this was a need to keep me safe growing up. This ingrained behaviour doesn’t serve me as well in adulthood.

With my recent learnings in letting go and practicing non-attachment, I was definitely less shitty than I might have been in the past but it was good to have the reminder to be objective!

Mind-fuckery?

Since TheMaster revealed his marital woes to me four-weeks ago, I have been conscious of honouring myself and taking time for my own space as well as just letting him be.

In that time, we’ve had a couple of very sporadic chats including one that resulted in him over-reacting which he apologised for the next evening.  It was after he made a seemingly off-the-cuff comment of  “You have quite a strong feeling for me, don’t you“, to which I replied “You’re asking me this via text??“.  TheMaster later responded “Never mind”, to which I said “Why never mind?“.  I was annoyed by this exchange and shared my annoyance with a friend who retorted that he was being ‘a twat’.

Being that he called himself ‘an arse’ not that long ago, in recognition of his occasional arse-like ways, I didn’t think it would be an issue to share with him that my friend had called him a twat.  Long story short, he got quite shitty about being called a twat and mouthed off incessantly (all via Messenger text) – which I recognised as something deeper going on for him so I just let him be. In apologising for his over-reaction the next evening, he confirmed that he wasn’t okay but wasn’t up for talking.  In respecting that, I asked him to let me know he was okay sometime as I do worry about him – to which he responded with a ‘thumbs up’ emoji.

A few days later I sent him a note checking in, I inquired if he had been enjoying the book I’d sent him and asked if he had time to chat but he replied saying he needed head space.  I completely understood and respected this, and left him be once again. This was one week ago.

Yesterday, TheMaster sent me a message commenting that  “Well, that was a fucking cold weekend!” to which I responded quizzingly (as where he lives is quite warm compared to my hometown).  He later replied that he had been in my hometown over the weekend. Just a simple statement, just like that.

I don’t quite know what his intention was by telling me this in such a way.  I get that we all perceive things differently to others and perhaps my interpretation was not what he intended.

Was it to display his lack of care for me? Or perhaps he simply didn’t think it would affect me to tell me – after the fact  – that he had been in my hometown for the weekend? Trying to bring me down from my acknowledgement of having strong feelings for him?

Well whatever his intention was, I will acknowledge that it hurt a little. Despite being calm in my response, replying,”I see. Well, yes it was great fucking weather” (that was a literal ‘fucking’ by the way – TheMaster and I often speak of ‘fucking weather’ in jest), I will admit it hurt to know he had been so close but didn’t want to let me know nor try to even see me to say hi.  I get that perhaps he couldn’t say hi due to whatever circumstances, but such actions seem to speak volumes to me – although that is my view at present, which I am happy to be challenged on.

Such events reinforce to me that I need to continue honouring myself, my truth – do things that are true for me and are not influenced by others.

So, on that note…..standby whilst I continue to balance my throat chakra and prepare to open the gate….

 

 

Enlightenment and Magenta’s Mind-fuckery of Me

I am a lover of words, language and especially alliteration – hence the title of my blog and also this post.

Before I go on, I will state that my linguistical skills throughout this blog are somewhat lacking for the standards of Me.  As with most people in this day and age, life is fucking hectic – especially when you are someone who is always doing something.

Adding to this, the fact that Magenta exists in my life – resulting in this blog being unknown to those I share my life with, finding the time to write as well as I would like to (hell, even write at all!) can be tricky.

But I digress.

As much as Magenta has brought much magic and magnificence to my life, she certainly has been more than a bit of a mind-fucking bitch!

As I sit on the cusp of a year of having Magenta in my life, I have certainly grown in ways I never would have expected.  I never would have expected to have my views on relationships, love, monogamy and sex evolve in the ways that they have.

With Magenta coming into my life, I never expected to discover so much about Me.  I guess I also had some other significant factors in my life that have also contributed to the depth of enquiry into myself, but Magenta has certainly brought about many quality questions.

And despite the mind-fuckery and inner turmoil, my journey as Magenta has definitely aided in my growth and inner peace, especially more recently – although the heightened inner peace has been aided by things I have recently been reading about and learning.

I am enjoying learning more about non-attachment – as it relates to life in general, not only in relationships.  I love the questions that such learnings on attachment have brought about regarding my feelings and thoughts.  This article has some great explanations of attachment love.  Being conscious of this now, I love how freeing it is – the thought of non-attachment to things and relationships.  I also love the thought of giving love freely, without being attached to needing it reciprocated.  Attachment not only burdens the object of your attachment but also yourself.  To be able to love without attachment, is quite liberating. Another great clip on attachment love can be found here.

All of that said, despite my evolved views; more ability to be present and acknowledge; as well as more ability in seeing how everyone colours their world differently; despite becoming more familiar with recognising fantasy and romantic ideations vs reality…….. I still have periods of feeling mind-fucked by TheMaster.

I will give some examples but I do still find it somewhat annoying.  My learnings on presence and reflecting on what is real for me is certainly helping me release such negative feelings, as I know that such thoughts of mine are those which only I create.

I actually started drafting this post a couple of weeks ago but titled it “The Mindfuckery of Me by Magenta and TheMaster” as, after writing my update on ‘Magenta’s Men‘, I honestly didn’t think I would hear much from TheMaster at all.  Through my recent enlightenment learnings, I realised that the mind-fuckery was actually me and not TheMaster – I had the choice of my perceptions.

But then he reappeared in the way that he does and then disappeared again – which I only discovered when I received a bunch of blog hits one afternoon that freaked me out. I wondered if my blog had been discovered by hubby, so I tried reaching out to TheMaster only to discover he was offline on Messenger.  I tried phoning him but it went to voicemail.  I emailed his ‘messenger’ email address as a last resort, but didn’t receive a reply to for 10 days.  When he finally replied via email, he mentioned he’d had a bit going on himself and the blog hits weren’t him.

Upon hearing that he wasn’t travelling so well, I decided to send him a little care pack as I knew he enjoyed non-fiction reading, so I got him a book I thought he might enjoy.  After sending the parcel off I received an email reply from him unexpectedly the next day, in which he mentioned that he would be vacant for a while and may in fact disappear forever.  He stated in his email that he would explain more at a later date and would talk to me before disappearing for good, if that were to happen.  I mentioned that I had sent him something and apologised if this was going to cause him any issues but he responded that “a surprise from my Magenta is always welcome”. Then he was gone again, but this absence was forewarned and I understood it at least.

About a week or so later he came back online to messenger to let me know he’d received my parcel and throughout that week we had some sporadic pleasant chat as I updated him on my world.

During one exchange, I asked him about vanishing and he told me he was “here for a bit, babe”.  I asked for clarification on what ‘here’ meant and he said that “here = Messenger world”, to which I inquired further “Messenger world = play world?”.  He replied “mmm maybe. If yes, only you”.  After asking for more clarification on that response, he replied further “Play world, if I play I only wish to play with you. Make sense?”.  Later I further asked “When here = messenger world// Messenger world = me //  = I don’t exist outside of messenger world. Correct?”. To which he replied “Incorrect. You definitely exist outside of Messenger world”.

The next day he did one of his annoying mind-fuckery things, sending me a message asking “how is my girl?”, which enlightened Me recognises as a message that caused drama with my ego.  We enjoyed some ongoing chat again for the next couple of days and I helped him with a personal project later that week via email.

After another quiet couple of days, I sent him a snap of a new dress I’d bought which I knew he’d like (it was in a favourite colour of his). He replied a day or so later, telling me I looked “smokin’ “.  After a bit of cheeky back-forth messaging (including some images and a little video clip from him), during which he confirmed he would be in my town in the next couple of months, he dropped the bombshell that things weren’t great with his wife and that they were on the verge of being done.

Surprisingly, I slept okay that night – really well actually. We ended up chatting on the phone later the following day when he elaborated on happenings with his wife and we caught up a little on Magenta’s world.  He asked me how things were with my husband and I expressed that whilst there had been some recent good chats, things were still moving slowly and hubby still wasn’t really meeting my needs.

TheMaster counseled me saying that each day I let pass by without speaking my truth was another wasted day of life. He asked me if hubby had joined me at therapy (yes), and whether hubby had gone to his own therapy (no).  When I expressed my view that these things took time, he disagreed stating that it had only been a short period of time since he expressed to his wife that he wasn’t in love with her.  I was a little taken aback to hear that’s what he had done as he only mentioned via Messenger that things weren’t great.

Only just the previous week, I had been pondering myself about husband and whether we were just friends rather than husband & wife.  We certainly have never attained ‘best friend’ status in my eyes, but we are certainly good friends.  The more I ponder this, the more I feel it is true for us and I wonder if it is true for hubby too, being that our relationship is really only the first major one for both of us.

I certainly love hubby and I’m not saying that I couldn’t fall in love with him again….that’s what a good marriage is though, right?  There’s a quote that I like that says something like “a successful marriage requires falling in love several times, always with the same person”.  We certainly have plenty to lose by parting and but I do wonder if the dreams I’d like to chase are not aligned with our marriage.  I know I need to discuss these things with hubby but I guess I need to be more certain of my own truth too.  At the same time, I do wonder if I am being unfair on hubby that he is unaware of my ponderings?

I am glad I have my wonderful therapist to discuss this with and I intend to do so during our next session.

Small talk

I was at a family function the other day – I have a pretty big extended family that I rarely see.

I saw some aunties and cousins who I hadn’t seen in at least 10 years.

In a brief ‘catch up’ conversation, one relative enquired,”still happily married?”. To which I continued to smile (as I often do, as is my personality) and replied, nodding,”yeah…”.

A bit of a random question (although the relative in question was divorced), but it made me think…..

I know I definitely have it pretty good and I am grateful for everything in my life.

It takes me back to the question my therapist asked me about what was enough for me….can I live with hubby’s very detached emotional style? With less affection and compliments/ appreciation than I desire?

I do wonder if it’s unfair to hubby that he is unaware of how much I have deliberated but I also know I can’t take anything back once it’s been said.

I think I can live with things, when deliberating all the other good there is about us.

…..but then there’s that pesky sex thing. I don’t know how to illustrate just how little hubby is into sex, but maybe I’m just not right for him? Am I denying him finding someone more compatible in that respect?

 

A conversation with TheLinguist

Magenta [M]: I will be short on time tomorrow night and need to go home appropriately dressed, fed and with the absence of colognes etc (my story is a work dinner).  I am intending on arriving play-ready. Yes I would like your cock. Please feed me (I am starved, please be appropriately ready), eat me (a little is fine) and fuck me good & proper.  Tie me up if you wish or spank me for being demanding and greedy (no marks of course).

Why him? …..part II

tomeyouareperfect

After a recent pleasant chat with TheMaster, which happened to occur right after another wonderful therapy session, I have been reflecting further on why him.

I thought I’d add to my previous post on this in aid of my inner peace, as I recognise that ultimately inner peace is the goal of therapy – being comfortable with yourself, finding peace with that, accepting who you are and how you view the world.  It’s the way that you see things and interpret them (based on past experiences, how you were raised) that result in how you experience the world.  If something is unsettling to you, it is because of how you think about it, how you perceive it. Perception equals reality.

TheMaster is things that hubby is not – thoughtful, nurturing, very much a caregiver (he has been a father for a while…yes breaking a Manifesto rule I don’t think I’d mentioned this about TheMaster before).  We have similar interests in a couple of things that hubby doesn’t share with me – apart from a love of sex.  But hubby is also things that TheMaster is not (that I know of).

And then there’s what I label as energetic vibrations. From the start (I may be imagining things) he’s felt comfortable to me, easy, something I couldn’t quite put my finger on.  Like coming home, where you can be yourself.  After listening to Alain de Botton’s talks, I’m more aware of this quite likely being silly crush-like feelings and romantic idealisations, but if that is the case – why him and not others who are pleasant?

He does treat me the way I like the best – apart from his frustrating absences and lack of consistent communication. Although we’ve never discussed even being friends, so consistent communication is not something I can have expectations around without expressing what I want.

Yes, there are similar parallels with other playmates  – in terms of getting along, a couple of similar personal interests, a level of mutual attraction. But TheMaster seems to have an extra air about him.  Every good characteristic about him is beyond anything I have ever experienced before.

The things he does well, he does just right. He always walks me to my car when it’s dark. Asks if I want anything when he’s buying supplies. Notices things – hangs my dress up (I think he has some neat freak tendencies haha), runs a hot shower knowing that hot over cold is my preference – to give a few examples.

He does everything with manners and respect. But he’s also appropriately cheeky at the right times.

I feel like he thinks he doesn’t speak my language sometimes, that perhaps I am a bit ‘scary smart‘ – but he speaks my language very very well.   And of course there’s those looks, often coupled with the perfect touch. The look that says “I am going to devour and destroy you” that is accompanied by a soft stroke of my skin or a hand on my back. It gives me shivers to recall it. And the look, mid-fuck, that tells me how much he’s enjoying himself.

Eyes & smiles get me – they say that eyes are the window to the soul after all – and I love beautiful souls. And TheMaster has beautiful eyes and a cheeky, warm smile. I like his warmth & softness along with his hardness, both seem to be used at just the right times.

He is the perfect amount of gorgeousness, I could eat him up all day long and still want more.

TheMaster will randomly tell me I’m stunning. Hubby has never said that to me. Actually, hubby has never said anything similar to what playmates tell me – things like, I’m so cute it’s not fair; why am I so nice; I have an amazing energy; I’m a head turner; and a favourite memory – when I sent TheMaster some fresh pics just for him, wearing a colour he’d only just told me he loved, I received a “Oh my fucking god. I’m needing to wank over those pics. My Magenta is looking damn fine”.

The best I get from hubby is “nice” and “mmm”.

But TheLinguist tells me I’m stunning too, as does TheForeigner.  And they are both gorgeous themselves.  But it’s like TheMaster doesn’t know how gorgeous he is. He’s as humble as he is confident, not that the others are cocky at all.  Perhaps ‘humble/confident’ in a similar way to me, although he isn’t self-loathing like I can still be at times.

TheBull is also very sweet to me, but he seems to fight being warmer and less guarded because of his past hurts – which I totally get.  TheBull is more available to me than TheMaster, and definitely shares some similar values, and I do think we will be good friends.

There’s just something about TheMaster….

 

What I want

A friend who knows about Magenta, keeps coming back to asking me what I want.  So I started this list, which I’m sure I’ll refine/amend/add to – but for now this a good start.

I want to be supported – to be thought of, looked after, cared for. To not have to ask for this, although I realise nurturing and care doesn’t come naturally for men as it does for women.

I want to be cared for in the way that no one else can or does, because you are their world and you mean the world to them. And I don’t mean to care so much about another that you forget or lose yourself.

I want to be wanted, desired, appreciated. Yes, in the way that my playmates do. I totally get that if you don’t love yourself and fulfill yourself, how can others love you?  I am getting much better at this and I do love and accept myself for the most part.

I want to be understood but also to be challenged.   Push me, question me, counter my perspectives respectfully.  Open my mind. Challenge me to grow. Grow with me.

I want my dreams and visions to be accepted, supported, admired.  Or even better, to be shared. I want someone who is my biggest cheerleader – not that I can’t satisfy this myself.

I want someone who can honestly speak these words to me. Perhaps Husband could, but I don’t know. I do know that I would honestly vow them to him. Something to discuss in my next therapy session perhaps – talking about such promises with Husband, I mean.

I want someone who sets my world on fire, as much as I set their world on fire.  I am not so naive that I think this is always the case – I know it takes work, consistency and attention – but I want someone who has the desire for this.

I want someone who speaks my language – which Husband does on almost everything except intimate and emotional matters. We honestly don’t fight or argue, although we also don’t have children yet and I think we’d have to work on a harmonious approach on parenting if we did – but I’m sure everyone needs to balance their views with their spouse on raising children.

I want someone I laugh with. Who wants to share their world with me.  All of their world – what they see, how they see it.  I want someone who dreams big, whose dreams I can chase with them and who will support me chase my dreams, as well as have dreams we chase together. 

I want someone to join me on fucking adventures.  And more adventures. But then also someone who is happy to just chill and hang together.

Is this too much to ask for?

 

In my most recent therapy session I was asked if Husband were to be more supportive and shared responsibilities more than he does now, whether this would be enough for me? Could I live without the appreciation and compliments, words of affirmation?