TheMaster No More

Following on from my previous post….TheMaster replied to me a couple of weeks after my email. I saw the reply just before lunch time and my heart stopped.

He has never written an essay and, glimpsing the enormity of the email, it took me a few minutes to bring myself to read it. I messaged a friend immediately, saying I couldn’t breathe.

Then I read the email. I couldn’t stop shaking. I’m so grateful I have a good workmate who knows fair a bit of the tale.

Ever since I left my pretty little garden and walked through the gate, whenever I have had emotional moments, all I have ever wanted is to be held whilst I sobbed. Not to be comforted with words or to talk or be told that things will be better etc etc. Just to be allowed to let it all out and be. My dear, dear friend allowed me to do just that and it was bliss.

A few things make sense about him now, why a certain painting and songs were his favourite……I fear detailing them here will reveal too much but it is all rather poetic yet bittersweet.

Good Morning Magenta,

I apologise for the very delayed response, it has been somewhat hectic around here with me falling rather ill and spending some time in hospital. I seem to be over this now.
Well, I figured the best thing to do is be 100% up front about everything, that way the air is clear and you can make your decision how you wish. This is somewhat a longish story, so bare with me.

Twelve years ago, I worked for Company X. I was also living with my GF (future wife) and Company X was her family’s business. In my position, I looked after a number of clients and one of my clients was a young lady named Nikki. We initially flirted, but nothing happened until she actually text me and asked me out. I told her the situation, I was in a relationship that was not great and was somewhat on the rock – all of this was true.
We began having an affair, an affair that saw me fall madly in love with her within weeks, and her feelings were mutual. I truthfully lost track of how long the affair lasted, I think it was just over 9 months, could be longer, I was in a whirlwind. Nikki started to become frustrated that I was still in my shit relationship and she basically asked me to make a decision…I regrettably chickened out of ending my relationship with my GF, all because I worked for her family’s business. I was unhappy and I should have left, but I didn’t. Nikki was heart broken, and went out and tried to get over me by having a one-night stand….she fell pregnant!!

So I came clean to the GF about everything and explained that Nikki was pregnant, and we suspect it was mine. Plenty of tears and yelling took place, however, she didn’t want to break-up…no idea why, but she had her reasons.

The baby was born and DNA testing took place, both Nikki and I were still madly in love, but we were just being friends. The results showed her little girl was not mine. We were both broken as a result.

Nikki couldn’t just be friends, and I was struggling with it as well, so we planned to meet up and discuss things. On the day we were meant to meet, I rang to confirm place and time, her phone had been disconnected. Nikki decided to vanish, it was just all too hard for her.

I went onto marry the now soon to be ex-wife. We had an okay relationship, but I thought about Nikki on a weekly basis, wondering how she was, how her little girl was and so on.

Whilst I had cheated on the wife with Nikki, prior to marriage, this was the only time I had ever done such a thing, and I discovered how good sex can be, it didn’t need to be boring and predictable as it had been and continued to be with the wife. Nikki taught me how to fuck!

My train of though was “I’m only thinking about Nikki, because the sex was just amazing”, so eventually I started to drift again, having casual sex here and there, I found it wasn’t really helping at all. I stopped and self satisfied I guess.

This didn’t last long, my next thinking was “casual, with some friendship” – as you know, this has had some disaster moments with crazy bitches, but also amazing on other occasions – you being an amazing example.

Unfortunately, Nikki has never left my mind or heart. My depressive state of mind was a combination of being in an unhappy relationship and pining for a person who I lost 10-12 years ago.

I then received a Facebook friend request from Nikki…….my heart went from 60bpm, to well over 150bpm. I accepted and we had a brief conversation – This occurred in April 2017.

I left the family home, because I wanted to be with Nikki, and I didn’t want to put her through the crap again. We have started seeing each other, very slowly. Whilst my heart hurts because I don’t get to see my beautiful children very often, due to their mother being a Grade A bitch, another part of my heart is filling back up due to my relationship with Nikki.

My marriage fell apart because I was unhappy and with someone that didn’t give me what I needed from them, and they had no desire to change, she wanted things her way. This attitude was created by me, because I allowed her to treat our relationship so poorly, for way too long. Whilst I was/am a provider for my family, I wasn’t a great husband.

This is the tough part, because it’ll sound a bit wanky, but I’ll say it;

I really like you, and I had actually wiped all of my playmates because none compared to you, and had Nikki not re-entered my life, I can honestly say the answer was a “fuck yes” to getting to know each other better and who knows, but Nikki is in my life, and I believe she is my soul mate and I will never betray her in anyway. I have been very open with Nikki about my indiscretions, and she knows of you – but no personal details, she just knows I was very fond of you and described you as a very cool person who was “scary smart“.

I’m not sure where this now puts you Maggie, but you deserved 100% honesty from me, because you are gorgeous inside and out. I hope you don’t hate me for not being more open earlier, and I am very sorry for not telling you earlier, my head has just been in and out of the clouds, mainly in relations to the kids and barely getting to see them over the Christmas holidays.

Master xx

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…the beginning of the end

The saga of the ending with TheMaster is best told by sharing our email exchange. I do wish to dissect things to a point, as my way of learning and processing, but this certainly says a lot.

I decided to send him the note below after spending time over the holidays with good friends and their darling children…… I realised that I should take a step back from contacting TheMaster as he was in the midst of fighting for custody of his own and I couldn’t imagine having to deal with that on top of everything else that comes with leaving your marriage…..having to set up home for more than just yourself, and all the rest of it.

Hi,
I just wanted to send you a note to set out my position…..because I like being clear, without ambiguity, although I know things aren’t static, nor black and white. I don’t like to assume but I also don’t want to ask anything of you right now – not out of a lack of respect for myself, but out of respect for both of our situations and current headspace loads.
My position is simple – I would like to know you. I would like you in my life. I have enjoyed many things in the time that I have known the little that I know of you.

I only wish to ask to be given the opportunity to make my own decision in requesting to know you and to be able to make my own mind up if I do wish to know you more – no comments of there being better around or things like that. My choice is still to request to know you more, whenever that time may come.

As you know, I am not ‘twiddling my thumbs‘ waiting around for the right moment. And I am certainly not ready to be dating any time soon. But when that time comes, I want to have clarity on knowing where I stand with you.

I don’t want to ‘go away’ but I feel that I should for the time being, please correct me if I am wrong…….but I really don’t want to be adding to any extra crap in your life right now.

Spending time with my girlfriend’s children on the weekend gave me added respect for you and your situation….the courage it took to make your choice that you did. I know that the typical societal view is to berate someone in your position but I find it inspiring and commanding of much respect….pursuing authenticity, truth and fulfillment. My nephews are amazing but I can’t imagine having to do that solo, let alone more than two. And on top of everything else.

I know I have found separating more challenging than I had anticipated and, whilst I have had plenty of added shit in my life, I can’t even imagine how suckful your journey has been.

If you do not wish to know me, please just say so. I am honestly good either way. One thing I know for certain is that I am never going to coerce anything in the future that isn’t a natural ‘fuck yes’, to quote a good Mark Manson article. You are clearly a fuck yes to many and most definitely a fuck yes for me.

If you’re not a fuck yes to knowing me, I am totally fine with that. But, if that is the case, I would like to be able to say goodbye.

I certainly don’t expect or need an essay reply, a simple fuck yes will suffice…..and yes I will be quieter perhaps, although I’m not saying ball is in your court. But if I’m not a fuck yes, please give consideration to when a goodbye can be had.

Please don’t go

Since our most recent spate of sporadic messaging, things have been more subdued with TheMaster……no doubt due to the craziness of our individual versions of “fucking hell” that we are both working through – not only with the ending of our respective marriages but our wider lives too.

The quietness hasn’t really bothered me at all as I truly appreciate how difficult things must be right now, as my reality has been similar but different.

However, my soul yearns for a wonderful man, who can’t be in my life right now – but I know that he is worth the wait.

My heart aches for him but it does not hurt; it pines, but not with sadness.

He is such a fierce protector, nurturer and carer that he thinks we should say goodbye…..out of fear that his lack of presence hurts me too much – it kills him to think that I hurt.

But I don’t hurt from his lack of presence or response.

Such a statement of his makes my heart swell even more.

Some may call me naive, foolish or accuse me of wearing rose-coloured glasses – but this? This, I feel in my bones.

Magenta: My truth is that I would like to see you this year – whether it is November or any other time.  But I am conscious of your fucking hell & health.  No expectations or obligations, but that is my truth.

Master: Morning M, I’ll make sure we catch up when you are in town but I think it’s best we agree that should be our goodbye.  Whilst I know you are happy with presence, it kills me knowing that you send ten messages to my one.  With every non-response, I know it hurts you, and I don’t want to hurt you anymore.

Magenta: I’m sorry it kills you but that is you – it doesn’t kill me.  Don’t let something that isn’t true kill you.  You don’t hurt me – I know my choices, I moved on from such a while ago.  You can choose to walk away if you wish, if that is your truth, but I choose to stay.   I’m no crazybitch but I will be here. I’m happy to own my choice.

Master: 😘

 

Feed me, feast on me

A couple of recent conversations with TheMaster…..goddamn he speaks my language so well.  Things are rather crazy for both of us at the moment and we likely won’t see each other until November.  I, for one, cannot wait. I know it will be beyond amazing.

[late evening message]
Master: So, I didn’t get to keep the photos you sent yesterday….care to re-share?

[early morning reply]
Magenta: {sent image}

[instantaneous response]

Master: Stunning

Magenta: {sent another image}

Master: Your legs are fucking yum. Could lick them to your pussy with ease

Magenta: Good morning lol

Master: Morning. Just in gym.

Magenta: Here’s something for post gym {sent image of me bent over, a fave shot of his}

Master: Fucking erection creating yum!

Magenta: Shame I can’t sort that out. I’m starving too.

Master: I bet you are. No play?

Magenta: No play.  Considered it but don’t want sub-par.  The junk food variety leaves you feeling just like actual junk food – grubby and undernourished.  Gourmet is worth the wait, even if it is November.

Master: 😜

******************

Magenta: It’s warm here today, finally.  I’m in the red version of the scoop back dress you’ve seen a pic of. With a scarf to make it more corporate lol. So here’s a daydream for your Friday afternoon:

Yes, I’m sure you would love to drop to your knees with me in this dress. Then get up, bend me over, fuck me good & proper.  Use my scarf if you wish.  After that, I will lose my dress, scarf used appropriately & on my knees.  Be fed & feast on you. Come on face if you wish. Clean me up (scarf is handy like that). Dress back on (minus the scarf, maybe even commando).  Yes, the girls like this dress too. Go out, pick up someone to join us. Do it all again.  😈
Happy Friday, Sir.

Master: 😁😁😁

Silence is Golden

A conversation with TheMaster…

Master:
I’m sorry for being rude, it’s not intended. I’m just kinda struggling with a whole lot of things and find that when I’d normally text or talk with you is a time that I crave silence. It’s not just you that I’ve been rude to, whilst that is still not acceptable, I just want you to know it’s not you, it is me and my world of “fucking hell”.
I’m ok, just trying to put a 20,000 piece puzzle together in poor light!

Magenta:
Hey! I’m not finding you rude, but thank you for the acknowledgement of what could be seen as ignorance or similar.
You taught me about silence. Well, I mean I finally “got it” about presence & silence because of you, so I totally get it. 

Glad to know you’re ok, please do look after yourself.

Love the analogy & I get it. 

My bandaid is completely off & I’m learning more and more to let go of expectation. I wasn’t expecting the magnitude of exhaustion and I’m sure there’s more to come. 

Silence is needed to hear yourself, listen to your soul without the noise of your mind. Cos your soul is where your truth exists. I get that. It’s the most important – well for me it is, after realising my mind has been ruling for far too long. Take your silence to hear yourself, it’s incredibly important now more than ever.

A reminder to be objective

“An objective perspective is one that is not influenced by emotions, opinions, or personal feelings – it is a perspective based in fact, in things quantifiable and measurable.

A subjective perspective is one open to greater interpretation based on personal feeling, emotion, aesthetics, etc.”

TheMaster & I had a couple of nice conversations this week.

It was really lovely to chat rather than text – whilst we understand each other fine via text, talking with him feels really comfortable. Gosh I talk way too much and I do feel like I need to be a better listener (how do you get people to talk?!).

I love the way TheMaster listens and challenges me, always in a respectful and gentle (sometimes playful) manner.  It was uncanny that, during one of our conversations, he reinforced a lesson I’d been reminded of at work during the week by my boss – a reminder in letting go of things that don’t matter.

We chatted about what we’d been up to and he spoke of his weekend visit to my hometown, which I posted about when questioning mindfuckery. His trip had been to take his sons to a sports match that was on in my town, so quite understandable that there was zero chance of saying hi and I’m sure he didn’t even think I would be annoyed at his casual mention of having been here.

Being more objective is definitely something that has been a big learning for me in recent years. Having been raised in such turbulence with constant fight or flight situations, I am typically quick to interpret and react – as this was a need to keep me safe growing up. This ingrained behaviour doesn’t serve me as well in adulthood.

With my recent learnings in letting go and practicing non-attachment, I was definitely less shitty than I might have been in the past but it was good to have the reminder to be objective!

Mind-fuckery?

Since TheMaster revealed his marital woes to me four-weeks ago, I have been conscious of honouring myself and taking time for my own space as well as just letting him be.

In that time, we’ve had a couple of very sporadic chats including one that resulted in him over-reacting which he apologised for the next evening.  It was after he made a seemingly off-the-cuff comment of  “You have quite a strong feeling for me, don’t you“, to which I replied “You’re asking me this via text??“.  TheMaster later responded “Never mind”, to which I said “Why never mind?“.  I was annoyed by this exchange and shared my annoyance with a friend who retorted that he was being ‘a twat’.

Being that he called himself ‘an arse’ not that long ago, in recognition of his occasional arse-like ways, I didn’t think it would be an issue to share with him that my friend had called him a twat.  Long story short, he got quite shitty about being called a twat and mouthed off incessantly (all via Messenger text) – which I recognised as something deeper going on for him so I just let him be. In apologising for his over-reaction the next evening, he confirmed that he wasn’t okay but wasn’t up for talking.  In respecting that, I asked him to let me know he was okay sometime as I do worry about him – to which he responded with a ‘thumbs up’ emoji.

A few days later I sent him a note checking in, I inquired if he had been enjoying the book I’d sent him and asked if he had time to chat but he replied saying he needed head space.  I completely understood and respected this, and left him be once again. This was one week ago.

Yesterday, TheMaster sent me a message commenting that  “Well, that was a fucking cold weekend!” to which I responded quizzingly (as where he lives is quite warm compared to my hometown).  He later replied that he had been in my hometown over the weekend. Just a simple statement, just like that.

I don’t quite know what his intention was by telling me this in such a way.  I get that we all perceive things differently to others and perhaps my interpretation was not what he intended.

Was it to display his lack of care for me? Or perhaps he simply didn’t think it would affect me to tell me – after the fact  – that he had been in my hometown for the weekend? Trying to bring me down from my acknowledgement of having strong feelings for him?

Well whatever his intention was, I will acknowledge that it hurt a little. Despite being calm in my response, replying,”I see. Well, yes it was great fucking weather” (that was a literal ‘fucking’ by the way – TheMaster and I often speak of ‘fucking weather’ in jest), I will admit it hurt to know he had been so close but didn’t want to let me know nor try to even see me to say hi.  I get that perhaps he couldn’t say hi due to whatever circumstances, but such actions seem to speak volumes to me – although that is my view at present, which I am happy to be challenged on.

Such events reinforce to me that I need to continue honouring myself, my truth – do things that are true for me and are not influenced by others.

So, on that note…..standby whilst I continue to balance my throat chakra and prepare to open the gate….