Exhausted at Easter

So it is Easter. A quarter through the year.

Over six months separated from Husband.

Two months since news from TheMaster rendered me devastated and confused.

A few bouts of illness on my part. As well as dealing with other personal family matters.

Many minxy adventures scattered in between.

The continuing effects of all of these things have made me beyond exhausted. I haven’t been sleeping well and despite getting back on track at the start of the year, I haven’t been eating well.

And I have been doing too much in general.

So I have decided to have a break. I quit my job. And in the very near future I will be leaving on a jet plane. To park my butt on the beach, sand between my toes without a care in the world.

I’m not sure how much I’ll be around to get updates finished prior to then but I will be most definitely catching up on things once I take pause.

And I cannot wait!

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New Year, New Anthem/s

I am alive. I am here. I am more than alive. And happy new year to you.

Much to catch up on, I do apologise I have been rather manic Magenta of late (divorce and illness will do that to you) and I have been very much missing the musings of my favourite blogs as well as publishing my own tales (4 drafts, no less – a LOT to catch up on).

I must update about TheMaster. A pretty huge update, which will take me some time to reflect on how to post about it. I wish I could post about it in its entirety but I fear it would compromise his anonymity. I will say for now that he is TheMaster no more. Well, he will always be TheMaster to Magenta, but his heart belongs to another. Rather poetic yet bittersweet.  I hope that we will be friends but we have yet to have that conversation.

I may have touched on some of these to come already but I may as well put it here so I push myself to finish these drafts and post! Posts to come are:

Keeping Up with TheJoneses
TheItalian Job
The Perks of Being a Unicorn
The Sunday Sesh

Now, onto my anthems….. “Just do you” came out of a wonderful weekend connecting with a couple of girlfriends. I have been seeing this a lot. I am listening and I am heeding the signs. Me first – light my fire so I can spread the light.

The other anthem I discovered is this beautiful track by Syde featuring Olivia Reid. Lyrics below. So poignant for me right now.  I do feel brand new. And I am on the way to do what I’m meant to do.

[Verse 1]
Free
Freedom to be whoever I wanna be
See whatever I wanna see
Breathe the air that I wanna breathe
Feels like my life is a dream
Where I don’t need you to believe in me

[Chorus]
‘Cause, oh, I feel brand new
And I love the view
I’m on my way to do
What I’m meant to do
‘Cause, oh, I feel brand new
And I love the view
I’m on my way to do
What I’m meant to do

[Verse 2]
I wanna wake up the light in my eyes
Goin’ blind ’cause darlin’ our future’s too bright
Running on my own world tour
Country, country, more and more
Wrong turn here, right turn there
I can lead myself anywhere
Love you to the moon and back again
Best believe I mean what I said
Free to fall, every now and then
Take a chance, every chance I can
Running, running, and I’m gone
A dreamer chasin’ the sun
My journey’s just begun
See where I can run

[Bridge]
I want to run through the rain
And no more songs about love or ’bout pain
I keep my head up, above the clouds
‘Cause I got no time to be brought down

[Chorus]
‘Cause, oh, I feel brand new
And I love the view
I’m on my way to do
What I’m meant to do

[Bridge]
I want to run through the rain
And no more songs about love or ’bout pain
I keep my head up, above the clouds
‘Cause I got no time to be brought down

On love

I’ve recently discovered an amazing writer and came across this description of love that he had written, which really resonated with me:

I completely agree that hate is best broken down by spreading more love.

I love the first line of the above paragraph:

Love is that feeling where great desire mixes with a deep connection of belonging and acceptance.

I have been contemplating whether it is possible to truly know whether you really feel love for someone (as opposed to lust or idealised infatuation) when you don’t know them very well, and I think the above really helps clarify that for me.

A “deep connection of belonging and acceptance”, in my eyes, can be summed up by a feeling of somewhere or someone who feels like home.

As someone who grew up without ever truly identifying with a place or person that felt “like home” until I was an adult, I do believe I can honestly say that my feelings of “home” aren’t laced with memories and child-like wonder.

For me, home is where the heart is.

When you quieten your mind and surrender to the silence, what do you feel? What does your soul tell you?

When your energy flows freely and you have balanced chi, what answers are unveiled?

When you connect with someone who feels like “home” (where you belong and feel accepted), whether that connection is platonic or romantic, why is there so much fear in showing love? In giving love? In spreading love?

Although I guess the fear isn’t in the actions, but in labeling such actions vocally as love.

If we desire to quash the spread of hate in the world, why be so quiet about love?

I do genuinely ask this, as I continue to heal and ponder my future romantic love – as someone with virtually zero relationship experience apart from my marriage. If you truly feel love in your bones, in your soul, in the very essence of your being…..if you are able to give your love freely, without expectation of it being returned….if your giving of love doesn’t have conditions (….because they love me……because they put me up on a pedestal..) then why not shout your love from the rooftops, so to speak?

If your love makes someone uneasy or afraid, then they are not ready for your love.

Sure it may hurt that your love is not returned, but you just need to love yourself harder.

Keep filling our own cup.  Nourishing yourself. Loving yourself.

Because your vibe attracts your tribe – and when you are shining so luminously, you will also become a beacon, brightening the world…..spreading light….

And with so much light, it’s much harder for the dark to set in.

Shine brightly, my friends x

Truth seeker

Wow.

I just came across this verse that I absolutely loved as a child. I may have been a tween. I remember having it written out somewhere and I loved reading it……but somewhere along the way I had totally forgotten about it.

….I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself

7febc361c510abc6dd4234e6ffed9e85Somewhere….in between seeking comfort and safety from the trauma I was raised in, I feel like I perhaps lost myself. All of my maladapted behaviours made me fearful of speaking my truth, hearing my truth, being my truth.

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I think I am well on my way to finding it again….now to have the courage to speak it and let it out…

I don’t need you, but I do want you

Without expectation or crystal ball gazing, I know – undoubtedly – that I want you in my life.

To know you. To nourish you.  To conquer with you, separately together.

But always to nourish ourselves first and foremost.

The me of my 20s was a very different me but I am grateful for everything that has brought me to who I am today.

I cannot be bought.  I do not value material things.  No, I am not uppity.

I value freedom, truth, authenticity.  Which may sound incongruent with my current activities but I have been fighting for my truth.

I want to be known, to be understood, for someone to want to know me. All of me.

I want to know all of you – the dark and the light.

I will not be owned, I do not want to own you or buy you.

I don’t want to save you and
I don’t want you to save me.

I don’t need you, but I do want you – however your presence may be.

Your presence may only be small. Or it may not be now. Or it may be never at all.

But I want you.

The garden vs the gate

In the weeks since I posted about getting uncomfortable and having the courage to heal myself, make peace with myself and find my truth, I definitely feel like I am finally getting somewhere.

As I continue to ask myself quality questions, as well as engage in discussions with various friends, including some new ones, I ponder this;

The entire point of life is to decide if we want to stay in our own little garden safe behind the fence coated in comfort tending the same garden we’ve always occupied.

 Or, if we are brave enough to leave everything that we’ve ever known and make the choice to walk through the gate into the absolute and complete unknown. 

At this point in time, I find myself pondering the possibilities of the known vs the unknown – staying in my ‘comfortable garden’ vs stepping through ‘the gate’.

The Garden The known

A loving family I adore, who love me
Friends who engage with my health and spiritual sides
A comfortable life
Travel
Financial security/freedom
Fulfillment of goals in a life that ‘looks good’- society values
Friendship, love, companionship from a partner who is ‘detached’, and lives with the ‘dimmer down’, but is in general kind, intelligent, hard-working and has similar values and some similar interests to me, who also allows me much freedom – we both allow each other much freedom. But I also feel a lack of support, affection and intimacy.

Through the Gate The unknown

Friends (‘chosen family’) who engage in my health and spiritual sides
Living my truth more authentically
More time to solely support myself and my goals
Financial security/freedom
A passionate life
Adventures
Relentless pursuit of goals that align with my truth and values
The partner I seek – each other’s best friend and biggest cheerleader; supportive, passionate, alignment of values and interests (especially in health and pursuit of improving lives for the greater good); alignment in values of affection and intimacy.

 

As I look within to find my answers, I trust that I will have the courage to find and speak my truth.