I just came across this verse that I absolutely loved as a child. I may have been a tween. I remember having it written out somewhere and I loved reading it……but somewhere along the way I had totally forgotten about it.
….I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself
Somewhere….in between seeking comfort and safety from the trauma I was raised in, I feel like I perhaps lost myself. All of my maladapted behaviours made me fearful of speaking my truth, hearing my truth, being my truth.
I think I am well on my way to finding it again….now to have the courage to speak it and let it out…
Without expectation or crystal ball gazing, I know – undoubtedly – that I want you in my life.
To know you. To nourish you. To conquer with you, separately together.
But always to nourish ourselves first and foremost.
The me of my 20s was a very different me but I am grateful for everything that has brought me to who I am today.
I cannot be bought. I do not value material things. No, I am not uppity.
I value freedom, truth, authenticity. Which may sound incongruent with my current activities but I have been fighting for my truth.
I want to be known, to be understood, for someone to want to know me. All of me.
I want to know all of you – the dark and the light.
I will not be owned, I do not want to own you or buy you.
I don’t want to save you and
I don’t want you to save me.
I don’t need you, but I do want you – however your presence may be.
Your presence may only be small. Or it may not be now. Or it may be never at all.
But I want you.
In the weeks since I posted about getting uncomfortable and having the courage to heal myself, make peace with myself and find my truth, I definitely feel like I am finally getting somewhere.
As I continue to ask myself quality questions, as well as engage in discussions with various friends, including some new ones, I ponder this;
The entire point of life is to decide if we want to stay in our own little garden safe behind the fence coated in comfort tending the same garden we’ve always occupied.
Or, if we are brave enough to leave everything that we’ve ever known and make the choice to walk through the gate into the absolute and complete unknown.
At this point in time, I find myself pondering the possibilities of the known vs the unknown – staying in my ‘comfortable garden’ vs stepping through ‘the gate’.
The Garden The known
A loving family I adore, who love me
Friends who engage with my health and spiritual sides
A comfortable life
Fulfillment of goals in a life that ‘looks good’- society values
Friendship, love, companionship from a partner who is ‘detached’, and lives with the ‘dimmer down’, but is in general kind, intelligent, hard-working and has similar values and some similar interests to me, who also allows me much freedom – we both allow each other much freedom. But I also feel a lack of support, affection and intimacy.
Through the Gate The unknown
Friends (‘chosen family’) who engage in my health and spiritual sides
Living my truth more authentically
More time to solely support myself and my goals
A passionate life
Relentless pursuit of goals that align with my truth and values
The partner I seek – each other’s best friend and biggest cheerleader; supportive, passionate, alignment of values and interests (especially in health and pursuit of improving lives for the greater good); alignment in values of affection and intimacy.
As I look within to find my answers, I trust that I will have the courage to find and speak my truth.
Craving you…..yearning….pining. I ache.
I want to be intoxicated by you, the way that you get me high.
I want your touch, your scent, your look.
I am breathless.
You want my energy….but that is all you, my dear.
Your energy in my presence is all yours – not mine.
I want to get high with you. I want to get high off you. And in turn get you high.
I want you.
I absolutely love music & lyrics that speak to me……and this song has been speaking to me of late.
Am I wrong for thinking out of the box? Am I wrong for saying that I choose another way? I’m definitely not trying to do what everybody else is doing.
And I think that I most certainly know that whenever I stumble, I do always grow.
The road that I walk down is mine to walk – I am getting better at not looking back, but I do enjoy reflecting on how far I’ve come.
I have also become infinitely better at owning my decisions, creating my own reality (because perception is reality) and not giving up my power by succumbing to the perceptions of others and allowing others to dictate who I am, what I should be or how I should feel.
I am fighting for my life. I won’t let go.
No, I won’t let others compare me – I am unique. Everyone is.
I know that I am not alone……in discovering life, in finding out who I am, in finding out what I want.
This IS life. That’s just how we feel ❤
Am I wrong for thinking out the box from where I stay?
Am I wrong for saying that I choose another way?
I ain’t tryna do what everybody else doing
Just ’cause everybody doing what they all do
If one thing I know, I’ll fall but I’ll grow
I’m walking down this road of mine, this road that I call home
So am I wrong
For thinking that we could be something for real?
Now am I wrong
For trying to reach the things that I can’t see?
But that’s just how I feel
That’s just how I feel
That’s just how I feel
Trying to reach the things that I can’t see
Am I tripping for having a vision?
My prediction: Imma be on top of the world
Walk, walk, don’t look back, always do what you decide
Don’t let them control your life, that’s just how I feel
Fight for yours and don’t let go, don’t let them compare you, no
Don’t worry, you’re not alone, that’s just how we feel
After feeling a bit off with TheBull the other week, feeling his pull back somewhat perhaps or…….I’m not quite sure what exactly, I decided I should take some time for more self care.
In deciding so, I uncannily came across some articles on self-care as well as received a couple of email newsletters echoing similar things.
The universe is most definitely speaking to me of late.
And I am listening.
I am showing up for myself. I am worthy. I am enough.
Sometimes more than enough, but enough I am.
“Life is too short to play on the sidelines or get our girlfriends’ approval before wearing an outfit. If we want to live passionate, happy, and purposeful lives, we’ve gotta stand up for ourselves and be unapologetic about who we are and what we have to offer.”