On letting go

Words could be written but I’d prefer to close this chapter with music & lyrics.

Advertisements

Monalisaesque Magenta

A conversation with a workmate who has been observing my ‘resting sad face’ or ‘resting sad eyes’ recently as he passes my desk. A special friend to have at work who knows of my Magenta tales and I enjoy having a giggle with.

Workmate: I was going to say – you have the resting facial expression of someone who knows they’ll be tying up a stripper within the next 48 hours.

Magenta: Bahahahaha. You just wanted to say that.

Workmate: No, legit. You had this monalisaesque smug knowing look on your face.

…..stay tuned for the minxy tale to come 😈

Exhausted at Easter

So it is Easter. A quarter through the year.

Over six months separated from Husband.

Two months since news from TheMaster rendered me devastated and confused.

A few bouts of illness on my part. As well as dealing with other personal family matters.

Many minxy adventures scattered in between.

The continuing effects of all of these things have made me beyond exhausted. I haven’t been sleeping well and despite getting back on track at the start of the year, I haven’t been eating well.

And I have been doing too much in general.

So I have decided to have a break. I quit my job. And in the very near future I will be leaving on a jet plane. To park my butt on the beach, sand between my toes without a care in the world.

I’m not sure how much I’ll be around to get updates finished prior to then but I will be most definitely catching up on things once I take pause.

And I cannot wait!

When did your heart go missing?

I just heard this track on the way home and felt such resonance with it in relation to TheMaster.

I used to cringe hearing it after leaving husband as I felt me question myself being heartless to an extent. But tonight, I loved so much about this track – the upbeat/boppy tune is rather reflective of my character.

And then the lyrics. Not all of them but most definitely the chorus.

I’m waitin’, waitin’ for nothin’
You’re leavin’, leavin’ me hangin’
When did your heart go missin’?
When did your heart go missin’?
I treat you like a princess
But your life is just one big mess
When did your heart go missin’?
When did your heart go missin’?

Yeah

I meant every word I said
I never was lyin’ when we talked in bed
I’m retracin’ every step in my head
What did I miss back then?
I was so, so misled

Yes, I treated him “like a princess” to a degree. His life is certainly one big mess. I feel like my dissection of things (to come) will definitely illustrate elements of being misled.

When did his heart go missing?

TheMaster No More

Following on from my previous post….TheMaster replied to me a couple of weeks after my email. I saw the reply just before lunch time and my heart stopped.

He has never written an essay and, glimpsing the enormity of the email, it took me a few minutes to bring myself to read it. I messaged a friend immediately, saying I couldn’t breathe.

Then I read the email. I couldn’t stop shaking. I’m so grateful I have a good workmate who knows fair a bit of the tale.

Ever since I left my pretty little garden and walked through the gate, whenever I have had emotional moments, all I have ever wanted is to be held whilst I sobbed. Not to be comforted with words or to talk or be told that things will be better etc etc. Just to be allowed to let it all out and be. My dear, dear friend allowed me to do just that and it was bliss.

A few things make sense about him now, why a certain painting and songs were his favourite……I fear detailing them here will reveal too much but it is all rather poetic yet bittersweet.

Good Morning Magenta,

I apologise for the very delayed response, it has been somewhat hectic around here with me falling rather ill and spending some time in hospital. I seem to be over this now.
Well, I figured the best thing to do is be 100% up front about everything, that way the air is clear and you can make your decision how you wish. This is somewhat a longish story, so bare with me.

Twelve years ago, I worked for Company X. I was also living with my GF (future wife) and Company X was her family’s business. In my position, I looked after a number of clients and one of my clients was a young lady named Nikki. We initially flirted, but nothing happened until she actually text me and asked me out. I told her the situation, I was in a relationship that was not great and was somewhat on the rock – all of this was true.
We began having an affair, an affair that saw me fall madly in love with her within weeks, and her feelings were mutual. I truthfully lost track of how long the affair lasted, I think it was just over 9 months, could be longer, I was in a whirlwind. Nikki started to become frustrated that I was still in my shit relationship and she basically asked me to make a decision…I regrettably chickened out of ending my relationship with my GF, all because I worked for her family’s business. I was unhappy and I should have left, but I didn’t. Nikki was heart broken, and went out and tried to get over me by having a one-night stand….she fell pregnant!!

So I came clean to the GF about everything and explained that Nikki was pregnant, and we suspect it was mine. Plenty of tears and yelling took place, however, she didn’t want to break-up…no idea why, but she had her reasons.

The baby was born and DNA testing took place, both Nikki and I were still madly in love, but we were just being friends. The results showed her little girl was not mine. We were both broken as a result.

Nikki couldn’t just be friends, and I was struggling with it as well, so we planned to meet up and discuss things. On the day we were meant to meet, I rang to confirm place and time, her phone had been disconnected. Nikki decided to vanish, it was just all too hard for her.

I went onto marry the now soon to be ex-wife. We had an okay relationship, but I thought about Nikki on a weekly basis, wondering how she was, how her little girl was and so on.

Whilst I had cheated on the wife with Nikki, prior to marriage, this was the only time I had ever done such a thing, and I discovered how good sex can be, it didn’t need to be boring and predictable as it had been and continued to be with the wife. Nikki taught me how to fuck!

My train of though was “I’m only thinking about Nikki, because the sex was just amazing”, so eventually I started to drift again, having casual sex here and there, I found it wasn’t really helping at all. I stopped and self satisfied I guess.

This didn’t last long, my next thinking was “casual, with some friendship” – as you know, this has had some disaster moments with crazy bitches, but also amazing on other occasions – you being an amazing example.

Unfortunately, Nikki has never left my mind or heart. My depressive state of mind was a combination of being in an unhappy relationship and pining for a person who I lost 10-12 years ago.

I then received a Facebook friend request from Nikki…….my heart went from 60bpm, to well over 150bpm. I accepted and we had a brief conversation – This occurred in April 2017.

I left the family home, because I wanted to be with Nikki, and I didn’t want to put her through the crap again. We have started seeing each other, very slowly. Whilst my heart hurts because I don’t get to see my beautiful children very often, due to their mother being a Grade A bitch, another part of my heart is filling back up due to my relationship with Nikki.

My marriage fell apart because I was unhappy and with someone that didn’t give me what I needed from them, and they had no desire to change, she wanted things her way. This attitude was created by me, because I allowed her to treat our relationship so poorly, for way too long. Whilst I was/am a provider for my family, I wasn’t a great husband.

This is the tough part, because it’ll sound a bit wanky, but I’ll say it;

I really like you, and I had actually wiped all of my playmates because none compared to you, and had Nikki not re-entered my life, I can honestly say the answer was a “fuck yes” to getting to know each other better and who knows, but Nikki is in my life, and I believe she is my soul mate and I will never betray her in anyway. I have been very open with Nikki about my indiscretions, and she knows of you – but no personal details, she just knows I was very fond of you and described you as a very cool person who was “scary smart“.

I’m not sure where this now puts you Maggie, but you deserved 100% honesty from me, because you are gorgeous inside and out. I hope you don’t hate me for not being more open earlier, and I am very sorry for not telling you earlier, my head has just been in and out of the clouds, mainly in relations to the kids and barely getting to see them over the Christmas holidays.

Master xx

…the beginning of the end

The saga of the ending with TheMaster is best told by sharing our email exchange. I do wish to dissect things to a point, as my way of learning and processing, but this certainly says a lot.

I decided to send him the note below after spending time over the holidays with good friends and their darling children…… I realised that I should take a step back from contacting TheMaster as he was in the midst of fighting for custody of his own and I couldn’t imagine having to deal with that on top of everything else that comes with leaving your marriage…..having to set up home for more than just yourself, and all the rest of it.

Hi,
I just wanted to send you a note to set out my position…..because I like being clear, without ambiguity, although I know things aren’t static, nor black and white. I don’t like to assume but I also don’t want to ask anything of you right now – not out of a lack of respect for myself, but out of respect for both of our situations and current headspace loads.
My position is simple – I would like to know you. I would like you in my life. I have enjoyed many things in the time that I have known the little that I know of you.

I only wish to ask to be given the opportunity to make my own decision in requesting to know you and to be able to make my own mind up if I do wish to know you more – no comments of there being better around or things like that. My choice is still to request to know you more, whenever that time may come.

As you know, I am not ‘twiddling my thumbs‘ waiting around for the right moment. And I am certainly not ready to be dating any time soon. But when that time comes, I want to have clarity on knowing where I stand with you.

I don’t want to ‘go away’ but I feel that I should for the time being, please correct me if I am wrong…….but I really don’t want to be adding to any extra crap in your life right now.

Spending time with my girlfriend’s children on the weekend gave me added respect for you and your situation….the courage it took to make your choice that you did. I know that the typical societal view is to berate someone in your position but I find it inspiring and commanding of much respect….pursuing authenticity, truth and fulfillment. My nephews are amazing but I can’t imagine having to do that solo, let alone more than two. And on top of everything else.

I know I have found separating more challenging than I had anticipated and, whilst I have had plenty of added shit in my life, I can’t even imagine how suckful your journey has been.

If you do not wish to know me, please just say so. I am honestly good either way. One thing I know for certain is that I am never going to coerce anything in the future that isn’t a natural ‘fuck yes’, to quote a good Mark Manson article. You are clearly a fuck yes to many and most definitely a fuck yes for me.

If you’re not a fuck yes to knowing me, I am totally fine with that. But, if that is the case, I would like to be able to say goodbye.

I certainly don’t expect or need an essay reply, a simple fuck yes will suffice…..and yes I will be quieter perhaps, although I’m not saying ball is in your court. But if I’m not a fuck yes, please give consideration to when a goodbye can be had.

I Hate You, I Love You

I want to preface this post with a note to say that I’m not feeling melancholic or bitter at all in the present moment.  I had actually thought of this song on a few occasions during the course of my journey with TheMaster.  I heard it again today and wanted to post it.  I am yet to speak to TheMaster and I certainly don’t literally hate him but there are elements of such feelings.

And really, I just love this song.

Some of the lyrics that truly speak to me, in relation to TheMaster, are ones I have highlighted in some way below.  A reminder that I am typically a literal, analytical INFJ but I want to state for the record that some of the lyrics aren’t ones I identify with at all in relation to TheMaster.

I don’t feel that I need or needed him…..wanted, yes absolutely.  I don’t identify with the harsh bitterness in these lyrics nor the creepy behaviour (watching you etc…yes taking it literally) but I do hate that I loved him.  It feels a bit silly in parts but I do think that I felt that.  I hate that I haven’t come across anyone who I’d put above him yet…..in terms of fucking at least, but that is a hard one to judge because perhaps the sex seemed so good due to my initial infatuation.  I also have yet to communicate with anyone in the same manner as some of my favourite conversations with him.

I do hate that I want him but he wants her and needs her. I’m happy being me though, I don’t want to be anyone else.

I do miss him. And sometimes I can’t sleep or eat. I definitely got attached when it was fucking around. Friends can definitely break your heart too.

Caution tape is absolutely being placed around my heart. I do wonder what he wondered, if anything….which he clearly did on the odd occasion.

I absolutely, 100% do know that I control my thoughts and I should stop reminiscing.

But most definitely, if I were him I would never let me go.

via Exposed Lyrics
[Verse 1: Olivia O’Brien]
Feeling used
But I’m
Still missing you
And I can’t
See the end of this
Just wanna feel your kiss
Against my lips
And now all this time
Is passing by
But I still can’t seem to tell you why
It hurts me every time I see you
Realize how much I need you

[Hook: Olivia O’Brien]
I hate you I love you
I hate that I love you
Don’t want to, but I can’t put
Nobody else above you
I hate you I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I’ll never be her

[Verse 2: Gnash]
I miss you when I can’t sleep
Or right after coffee
Or right when I can’t eat
I miss you in my front seat
Still got sand in my sweaters
From nights we don’t remember
Do you miss me like I miss you?
Fucked around and got attached to you
Friends can break your heart too, and
I’m always tired but never of you
If I pulled a you on you, you wouldn’t like that shit
I put this reel out, but you wouldn’t bite that shit
I type a text but then I never mind that shit
I got these feelings but you never mind that shit
Oh oh, keep it on the low
You’re still in love with me but your friends don’t know
If u wanted me you would just say so
And if I were you, I would never let me go
I don’t mean no harm
I just miss you on my arm
Wedding bells were just alarms
Caution tape around my heart
You ever wonder what we could have been?
You said you wouldn’t and you fucking did
Lie to me, lie with me, get your fucking fix
Now all my drinks and all my feelings are all fucking mixed
Always missing people that I shouldn’t be missing
Sometimes you gotta burn some bridges just to create some distance
I know that I control my thoughts and I should stop reminiscing
But I learned from my dad that it’s good to have feelings
When love and trust are gone
I guess this is moving on
Everyone I do right does me wrong
So every lonely night, I sing this song

[Hook: Olivia O’Brien and Gnash]
I hate you I love you
I hate that I love you
Don’t want to, but I can’t put
Nobody else above you
I hate you I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I’ll never be her

[Bridge: Olivia O’ Brien and Gnash]
All alone I watch you watch her
Like she’s the only girl you’ve ever seen
You don’t care you never did
You don’t give a damn about me
Yeah all alone I watch you watch her
She’s the only thing you’ve ever seen
How is it you never notice
That you are slowly killing me

[Hook: Olivia O’Brien]
I hate you I love you
I hate that I love you
Don’t want to, but I can’t put
Nobody else above you
I hate you I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I’ll never be her