Words could be written but I’d prefer to close this chapter with music & lyrics.
So it is Easter. A quarter through the year.
Over six months separated from Husband.
Two months since news from TheMaster rendered me devastated and confused.
A few bouts of illness on my part. As well as dealing with other personal family matters.
Many minxy adventures scattered in between.
The continuing effects of all of these things have made me beyond exhausted. I haven’t been sleeping well and despite getting back on track at the start of the year, I haven’t been eating well.
And I have been doing too much in general.
So I have decided to have a break. I quit my job. And in the very near future I will be leaving on a jet plane. To park my butt on the beach, sand between my toes without a care in the world.
I’m not sure how much I’ll be around to get updates finished prior to then but I will be most definitely catching up on things once I take pause.
And I cannot wait!
A conversation with TheMaster…
I’m sorry for being rude, it’s not intended. I’m just kinda struggling with a whole lot of things and find that when I’d normally text or talk with you is a time that I crave silence. It’s not just you that I’ve been rude to, whilst that is still not acceptable, I just want you to know it’s not you, it is me and my world of “fucking hell”.
I’m ok, just trying to put a 20,000 piece puzzle together in poor light!
Hey! I’m not finding you rude, but thank you for the acknowledgement of what could be seen as ignorance or similar.
You taught me about silence. Well, I mean I finally “got it” about presence & silence because of you, so I totally get it.
Glad to know you’re ok, please do look after yourself.
Love the analogy & I get it.
My bandaid is completely off & I’m learning more and more to let go of expectation. I wasn’t expecting the magnitude of exhaustion and I’m sure there’s more to come.
Silence is needed to hear yourself, listen to your soul without the noise of your mind. Cos your soul is where your truth exists. I get that. It’s the most important – well for me it is, after realising my mind has been ruling for far too long. Take your silence to hear yourself, it’s incredibly important now more than ever.
Since TheMaster revealed his marital woes to me four-weeks ago, I have been conscious of honouring myself and taking time for my own space as well as just letting him be.
In that time, we’ve had a couple of very sporadic chats including one that resulted in him over-reacting which he apologised for the next evening. It was after he made a seemingly off-the-cuff comment of “You have quite a strong feeling for me, don’t you“, to which I replied “You’re asking me this via text??“. TheMaster later responded “Never mind”, to which I said “Why never mind?“. I was annoyed by this exchange and shared my annoyance with a friend who retorted that he was being ‘a twat’.
Being that he called himself ‘an arse’ not that long ago, in recognition of his occasional arse-like ways, I didn’t think it would be an issue to share with him that my friend had called him a twat. Long story short, he got quite shitty about being called a twat and mouthed off incessantly (all via Messenger text) – which I recognised as something deeper going on for him so I just let him be. In apologising for his over-reaction the next evening, he confirmed that he wasn’t okay but wasn’t up for talking. In respecting that, I asked him to let me know he was okay sometime as I do worry about him – to which he responded with a ‘thumbs up’ emoji.
A few days later I sent him a note checking in, I inquired if he had been enjoying the book I’d sent him and asked if he had time to chat but he replied saying he needed head space. I completely understood and respected this, and left him be once again. This was one week ago.
Yesterday, TheMaster sent me a message commenting that “Well, that was a fucking cold weekend!” to which I responded quizzingly (as where he lives is quite warm compared to my hometown). He later replied that he had been in my hometown over the weekend. Just a simple statement, just like that.
I don’t quite know what his intention was by telling me this in such a way. I get that we all perceive things differently to others and perhaps my interpretation was not what he intended.
Was it to display his lack of care for me? Or perhaps he simply didn’t think it would affect me to tell me – after the fact – that he had been in my hometown for the weekend? Trying to bring me down from my acknowledgement of having strong feelings for him?
Well whatever his intention was, I will acknowledge that it hurt a little. Despite being calm in my response, replying,”I see. Well, yes it was great fucking weather” (that was a literal ‘fucking’ by the way – TheMaster and I often speak of ‘fucking weather’ in jest), I will admit it hurt to know he had been so close but didn’t want to let me know nor try to even see me to say hi. I get that perhaps he couldn’t say hi due to whatever circumstances, but such actions seem to speak volumes to me – although that is my view at present, which I am happy to be challenged on.
Such events reinforce to me that I need to continue honouring myself, my truth – do things that are true for me and are not influenced by others.
So, on that note…..standby whilst I continue to balance my throat chakra and prepare to open the gate….