Grief reflections

After writing my last post, I had some further thoughts on my grief.

I am sorry for so very much that led me to leaving my marriage, but I know that despite there being so SO much to lose by leaving….I could not continue knowing that I was not being authentically me – and that I felt unable to be me.

Even though I have always been known for being chatty, the environment that I grew up in unfortunately did not prepare me well for emotional conversations, nor did I get good examples of how to relate to others in such ways.  I would even go as far as saying that I very much raised myself from a young age.

Silence was my safety; I could not get hurt if I stayed silent. Thus this became my maladapted behaviour when my safety was threatened in any way.

I recognise that my grief also comes from the failings I perceive….from how I wish I was from the beginning of my relationship with husband – that I wish I could have been more me.  However, I wouldn’t be the person I am today had that have been the case.

I am very grateful for all that I have experienced – the good, the bad and the ugly – for it makes me who I am today.  But I am also saddened that my marriage is another victim of the failings of my family of origin. I know that there is more to it than just that and I most certainly do not solely place the blame on my lack of upbringing, but it saddens me nonetheless.

I also grieve that the failings of me caused me not to know my husband more.   But he is not an easy man to know.

In many ways, husband was what I needed at the time that we courted and married.  But, that no longer serves me – and that is okay.

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The grief

The enormity of the grief was unexpected. The exhaustion too. So much exhaustion.

Whilst I have had extended family members pass away and have been in the presence of grief before, I have most certainly never felt such grief – like what I imagine it to be – before now.

Grief hits at unexpected moments, a memory or thought of things we’d planned. Or doing something that I used to do for him…….wondering who is going to do that for him now. Sometimes even looking at pictures of us can be difficult, not always, but on some days it is.

The grief has surprised me as I made peace with my decision a few months ago and it has been something I deeply pondered for longer. My decision is also something that I have felt strong intuition about. The more I listened to myself and allowed me to hear myself, the more it felt right for me.

I have been praised for my bravery and courage in making such a decision, as well as following through and acting on it. It certainly wasn’t an easy decision to make at all. Some people have definitely been shocked by the news, which was to be expected.

It seems to be when chatting with those whose opinions I value, who are shocked that have sometimes made me question myself.  And I do know that nothing is black and white in this world.

But I also know what I want – and as much as it hurts at times, what I want are things that husband never was nor could be.

That’s just how we feel {{<3}}

I absolutely love music & lyrics that speak to me……and this song has been speaking to me of late.

Am I wrong for thinking out of the box? Am I wrong for saying that I choose another way? I’m definitely not trying to do what everybody else is doing.

And I think that I most certainly know that whenever I stumble, I do always grow.

The road that I walk down is mine to walk – I am getting better at not looking back, but I do enjoy reflecting on how far I’ve come.

I have also become infinitely better at owning my decisions, creating my own reality (because perception is reality) and not giving up my power by succumbing to the perceptions of others and allowing others to dictate who I am, what I should be or how I should feel.

I am fighting for my life.  I won’t let go.

No, I won’t let others compare me – I am unique.  Everyone is.

I know that I am not alone……in discovering life, in finding out who I am, in finding out what I want.

This IS life. That’s just how we feel ❤

 

 

Am I wrong for thinking out the box from where I stay?
Am I wrong for saying that I choose another way?

I ain’t tryna do what everybody else doing
Just ’cause everybody doing what they all do
If one thing I know, I’ll fall but I’ll grow
I’m walking down this road of mine, this road that I call home

So am I wrong
For thinking that we could be something for real?
Now am I wrong
For trying to reach the things that I can’t see?

But that’s just how I feel 
That’s just how I feel 
That’s just how I feel
Trying to reach the things that I can’t see 

Am I tripping for having a vision?
My prediction: Imma be on top of the world

Walk, walk, don’t look back, always do what you decide
Don’t let them control your life, that’s just how I feel
Fight for yours and don’t let go, don’t let them compare you, no
Don’t worry, you’re not alone, that’s just how we feel

 

 

What I want

A friend who knows about Magenta, keeps coming back to asking me what I want.  So I started this list, which I’m sure I’ll refine/amend/add to – but for now this a good start.

I want to be supported – to be thought of, looked after, cared for. To not have to ask for this, although I realise nurturing and care doesn’t come naturally for men as it does for women.

I want to be cared for in the way that no one else can or does, because you are their world and you mean the world to them. And I don’t mean to care so much about another that you forget or lose yourself.

I want to be wanted, desired, appreciated. Yes, in the way that my playmates do. I totally get that if you don’t love yourself and fulfill yourself, how can others love you?  I am getting much better at this and I do love and accept myself for the most part.

I want to be understood but also to be challenged.   Push me, question me, counter my perspectives respectfully.  Open my mind. Challenge me to grow. Grow with me.

I want my dreams and visions to be accepted, supported, admired.  Or even better, to be shared. I want someone who is my biggest cheerleader – not that I can’t satisfy this myself.

I want someone who can honestly speak these words to me. Perhaps Husband could, but I don’t know. I do know that I would honestly vow them to him. Something to discuss in my next therapy session perhaps – talking about such promises with Husband, I mean.

I want someone who sets my world on fire, as much as I set their world on fire.  I am not so naive that I think this is always the case – I know it takes work, consistency and attention – but I want someone who has the desire for this.

I want someone who speaks my language – which Husband does on almost everything except intimate and emotional matters. We honestly don’t fight or argue, although we also don’t have children yet and I think we’d have to work on a harmonious approach on parenting if we did – but I’m sure everyone needs to balance their views with their spouse on raising children.

I want someone I laugh with. Who wants to share their world with me.  All of their world – what they see, how they see it.  I want someone who dreams big, whose dreams I can chase with them and who will support me chase my dreams, as well as have dreams we chase together. 

I want someone to join me on fucking adventures.  And more adventures. But then also someone who is happy to just chill and hang together.

Is this too much to ask for?

 

In my most recent therapy session I was asked if Husband were to be more supportive and shared responsibilities more than he does now, whether this would be enough for me? Could I live without the appreciation and compliments, words of affirmation?

Love thyself

Another beautiful article from Elephant Journal

Begin to belong to you, and only you.

Did you ever belong to just yourself?

Be the person you can count on, to laugh with,

to endure with, to wipe the eyeliner from beneath your eyes.

Be the person to hug your hips, to read books to, to lay in the grass with.

You do not have to fill your spaces with someone else.

If you expect someone else to fill you, there will never be enough love.

Let light flood the empty parts of you and heal with sunshine, not fingerprints.