On love

I’ve recently discovered an amazing writer and came across this description of love that he had written, which really resonated with me:

I completely agree that hate is best broken down by spreading more love.

I love the first line of the above paragraph:

Love is that feeling where great desire mixes with a deep connection of belonging and acceptance.

I have been contemplating whether it is possible to truly know whether you really feel love for someone (as opposed to lust or idealised infatuation) when you don’t know them very well, and I think the above really helps clarify that for me.

A “deep connection of belonging and acceptance”, in my eyes, can be summed up by a feeling of somewhere or someone who feels like home.

As someone who grew up without ever truly identifying with a place or person that felt “like home” until I was an adult, I do believe I can honestly say that my feelings of “home” aren’t laced with memories and child-like wonder.

For me, home is where the heart is.

When you quieten your mind and surrender to the silence, what do you feel? What does your soul tell you?

When your energy flows freely and you have balanced chi, what answers are unveiled?

When you connect with someone who feels like “home” (where you belong and feel accepted), whether that connection is platonic or romantic, why is there so much fear in showing love? In giving love? In spreading love?

Although I guess the fear isn’t in the actions, but in labeling such actions vocally as love.

If we desire to quash the spread of hate in the world, why be so quiet about love?

I do genuinely ask this, as I continue to heal and ponder my future romantic love – as someone with virtually zero relationship experience apart from my marriage. If you truly feel love in your bones, in your soul, in the very essence of your being…..if you are able to give your love freely, without expectation of it being returned….if your giving of love doesn’t have conditions (….because they love me……because they put me up on a pedestal..) then why not shout your love from the rooftops, so to speak?

If your love makes someone uneasy or afraid, then they are not ready for your love.

Sure it may hurt that your love is not returned, but you just need to love yourself harder.

Keep filling our own cup.  Nourishing yourself. Loving yourself.

Because your vibe attracts your tribe – and when you are shining so luminously, you will also become a beacon, brightening the world…..spreading light….

And with so much light, it’s much harder for the dark to set in.

Shine brightly, my friends x

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Grief reflections

After writing my last post, I had some further thoughts on my grief.

I am sorry for so very much that led me to leaving my marriage, but I know that despite there being so SO much to lose by leaving….I could not continue knowing that I was not being authentically me – and that I felt unable to be me.

Even though I have always been known for being chatty, the environment that I grew up in unfortunately did not prepare me well for emotional conversations, nor did I get good examples of how to relate to others in such ways.  I would even go as far as saying that I very much raised myself from a young age.

Silence was my safety; I could not get hurt if I stayed silent. Thus this became my maladapted behaviour when my safety was threatened in any way.

I recognise that my grief also comes from the failings I perceive….from how I wish I was from the beginning of my relationship with husband – that I wish I could have been more me.  However, I wouldn’t be the person I am today had that have been the case.

I am very grateful for all that I have experienced – the good, the bad and the ugly – for it makes me who I am today.  But I am also saddened that my marriage is another victim of the failings of my family of origin. I know that there is more to it than just that and I most certainly do not solely place the blame on my lack of upbringing, but it saddens me nonetheless.

I also grieve that the failings of me caused me not to know my husband more.   But he is not an easy man to know.

In many ways, husband was what I needed at the time that we courted and married.  But, that no longer serves me – and that is okay.

The grief

The enormity of the grief was unexpected. The exhaustion too. So much exhaustion.

Whilst I have had extended family members pass away and have been in the presence of grief before, I have most certainly never felt such grief – like what I imagine it to be – before now.

Grief hits at unexpected moments, a memory or thought of things we’d planned. Or doing something that I used to do for him…….wondering who is going to do that for him now. Sometimes even looking at pictures of us can be difficult, not always, but on some days it is.

The grief has surprised me as I made peace with my decision a few months ago and it has been something I deeply pondered for longer. My decision is also something that I have felt strong intuition about. The more I listened to myself and allowed me to hear myself, the more it felt right for me.

I have been praised for my bravery and courage in making such a decision, as well as following through and acting on it. It certainly wasn’t an easy decision to make at all. Some people have definitely been shocked by the news, which was to be expected.

It seems to be when chatting with those whose opinions I value, who are shocked that have sometimes made me question myself.  And I do know that nothing is black and white in this world.

But I also know what I want – and as much as it hurts at times, what I want are things that husband never was nor could be.

That’s just how we feel {{<3}}

I absolutely love music & lyrics that speak to me……and this song has been speaking to me of late.

Am I wrong for thinking out of the box? Am I wrong for saying that I choose another way? I’m definitely not trying to do what everybody else is doing.

And I think that I most certainly know that whenever I stumble, I do always grow.

The road that I walk down is mine to walk – I am getting better at not looking back, but I do enjoy reflecting on how far I’ve come.

I have also become infinitely better at owning my decisions, creating my own reality (because perception is reality) and not giving up my power by succumbing to the perceptions of others and allowing others to dictate who I am, what I should be or how I should feel.

I am fighting for my life.  I won’t let go.

No, I won’t let others compare me – I am unique.  Everyone is.

I know that I am not alone……in discovering life, in finding out who I am, in finding out what I want.

This IS life. That’s just how we feel ❤

 

 

Am I wrong for thinking out the box from where I stay?
Am I wrong for saying that I choose another way?

I ain’t tryna do what everybody else doing
Just ’cause everybody doing what they all do
If one thing I know, I’ll fall but I’ll grow
I’m walking down this road of mine, this road that I call home

So am I wrong
For thinking that we could be something for real?
Now am I wrong
For trying to reach the things that I can’t see?

But that’s just how I feel 
That’s just how I feel 
That’s just how I feel
Trying to reach the things that I can’t see 

Am I tripping for having a vision?
My prediction: Imma be on top of the world

Walk, walk, don’t look back, always do what you decide
Don’t let them control your life, that’s just how I feel
Fight for yours and don’t let go, don’t let them compare you, no
Don’t worry, you’re not alone, that’s just how we feel