What I seek, an addendum

This. All of this ❤

[extract]

You deserve to be loved fiercely.

You deserve to be loved by a man who knows how to love hard.

A man who looks at you like you are made of magic. The kind of shimmering magic that you feel when you are standing knee deep in Balinese water and the blue-glowing phosphorescence whisks about your feet after midnight—a beach-side bonfire roaring 20 feet behind you.

A man who prefers date night to consist of you, a fireplace, little to no clothing and the kind of soul-f***ing that happens when your limbs are intertwined and the depth of your conversation becomes the entertainment for the night.

A man who understands that love is shown through the little things.

A man who does the dishes not as a martyr, but as someone who sees organizing your environment as an act of love in itself. A man who fills up your car’s gas tank because he knows how much you dislike doing it. A man who leaves 10-word love notes for you to find scattered throughout your life—and not because it’s Valentine’s Day, but just because it’s Tuesday.

……..And when the tough times inevitably roll through your shared lives, make sure you marry a man who can look deeply into your eyes and say, “We’ve got this. We’re going to make it through. You have nothing to worry about.”

A man who wants nothing more than to assist in the ever-expanding greatness of your life. He is not threatened by your successes; he relishes them.

He doesn’t get jealous when other people check you out; he knows at a bone-deep level how much of a prize you are.

 

The lover/partner I seek

…..wherever you are, whoever you may be, I hope we find each other ❤

I want you to be a fuck yes. To laugh with me, laugh at me, make me laugh and enjoy my laughter.

I want you to have a beautiful smile, with eyes that light up. I want you to have a warm embracing hug; and a soft, delicate touch but also to grab me cheekily when appropriate. I want you to be as cheeky as I am and to understand my cheekiness. I want you to enjoy similar music – and enjoy a sexy playlist to groove to for sexy times.

I want to feel naturally compelled to compliment you – how you are, the way you dress, your natural scent, how attractive you are to me, your kind nature and amazing mind. I want you to be beautiful and sexy and handsome and cute.

I want you to enjoy the different sides of me – various ways I like to dress. I want you to enjoy me dressing up – as much for me as it is for you. I want you to compliment me more than your friends or family; and more than my friends or family. I want to see it in your eyes and on your face – you checking me out, devouring me with your eyes. I want others to notice how you look at me. I want you to call me sexy and cute and beautiful and hot. I want you to think that I am a spunk – whatever your version of that is.

I want you to see my smarts and caring nature and kindness too. I want you to adore my body and my crazy mind. I want you to reply to others when they comment on you being lucky to have me in your life. And I want to be able to reply how lucky I am too.

I want you to want to explore the world with me – adventures both near and far. I want you to explore my world, study it, learn about where I came from and what makes me me. I want you to know me. I want you to care to call me out on my bullshit. To make me question whether I am holding true to my values. I want to know your world, what it’s made of, what you value, what makes you excited like a kid at Christmas. I want to know what you wanted to be when you were little. I want to know what gets you out of bed or keeps you awake until way past your bed time.

I want you to know how to care and nurture – to be able to, and want to, take care of me when I am unwell. I want you to be thoughtful – to think of and notice the little details. Things that I like and enjoy. Things that get my attention.

I want you to ask me if I’ve eaten – do I need dinner or lunch or coffee? I want you to care about health and wellness – about eating well and good. I want you to care about what may or may not be in your food. I want you to understand how food affects how you feel and perform and affects your health. But back on thoughtfulness, I want you to be uber thoughtful – to want to offer that level of support to me; to think of things that will help me, make me smile. To set up a disco in the lounge when I want to go out dancing but can’t. I want you to know that I would 100% love something hand made and thoughtful – just for me – over anything you can buy in a store any day of the week.

I want you to spoil me with affection and attention. I want you to enjoy affection as much as I do. I want you to enjoy play world or be open to exploring play world with me. I want to be able to talk about intimate matters and sex with you comfortably and openly. I want you to love to talk about anything and everything with me – all the weird, whacky and wonderful. I want you to prefer talking with me or learning new things or reading over watching mindless TV, although happily indulging in the odd mindless TV binge on occasion. I want you to be interested in personalities, people, how people communicate and what makes them tick. I want you to be interested in or understanding and accepting of “woo woo”.

I want you to share my love of Latino music and interest in learning Latin dance. Or any style of dance. I want you to understand my love of fitness and weight training and the struggle to stay consistent. I’d love for you to enjoy weight training or some sort of fitness pursuit.

I want you to have a good level of emotional intelligence and to strive to be better at EQ, alongside me. I want you to be interested in personal development, mindset and growth. I want you to be curious and kind. I want you to be aware of hunting your demons and darkness, despite how scary that can be. I want you to understand that the only way out is through. The light is only at the end of the tunnel – you must get through it to find the light.

I want you to tell me what you want, without expectation. I want to be able to tell you what I want – even the stuff you struggle to understand. I want you to want to understand. And I want to understand your wants and desires too. I want to remember that you can’t read my mind, but you yearn to understand me as much as I yearn to understand you.

I want you to enjoy lying out under the stars with me. Gazing at the night sky and infinite possibilities. I want you to enjoy savouring the beauty of nature with me, finding beauty and gratitude in every day.

I want you to be grateful for finding me and I want to be grateful for finding you.

Exhausted at Easter

So it is Easter. A quarter through the year.

Over six months separated from Husband.

Two months since news from TheMaster rendered me devastated and confused.

A few bouts of illness on my part. As well as dealing with other personal family matters.

Many minxy adventures scattered in between.

The continuing effects of all of these things have made me beyond exhausted. I haven’t been sleeping well and despite getting back on track at the start of the year, I haven’t been eating well.

And I have been doing too much in general.

So I have decided to have a break. I quit my job. And in the very near future I will be leaving on a jet plane. To park my butt on the beach, sand between my toes without a care in the world.

I’m not sure how much I’ll be around to get updates finished prior to then but I will be most definitely catching up on things once I take pause.

And I cannot wait!

When did your heart go missing?

I just heard this track on the way home and felt such resonance with it in relation to TheMaster.

I used to cringe hearing it after leaving husband as I felt me question myself being heartless to an extent. But tonight, I loved so much about this track – the upbeat/boppy tune is rather reflective of my character.

And then the lyrics. Not all of them but most definitely the chorus.

I’m waitin’, waitin’ for nothin’
You’re leavin’, leavin’ me hangin’
When did your heart go missin’?
When did your heart go missin’?
I treat you like a princess
But your life is just one big mess
When did your heart go missin’?
When did your heart go missin’?

Yeah

I meant every word I said
I never was lyin’ when we talked in bed
I’m retracin’ every step in my head
What did I miss back then?
I was so, so misled

Yes, I treated him “like a princess” to a degree. His life is certainly one big mess. I feel like my dissection of things (to come) will definitely illustrate elements of being misled.

When did his heart go missing?

I Hate You, I Love You

I want to preface this post with a note to say that I’m not feeling melancholic or bitter at all in the present moment.  I had actually thought of this song on a few occasions during the course of my journey with TheMaster.  I heard it again today and wanted to post it.  I am yet to speak to TheMaster and I certainly don’t literally hate him but there are elements of such feelings.

And really, I just love this song.

Some of the lyrics that truly speak to me, in relation to TheMaster, are ones I have highlighted in some way below.  A reminder that I am typically a literal, analytical INFJ but I want to state for the record that some of the lyrics aren’t ones I identify with at all in relation to TheMaster.

I don’t feel that I need or needed him…..wanted, yes absolutely.  I don’t identify with the harsh bitterness in these lyrics nor the creepy behaviour (watching you etc…yes taking it literally) but I do hate that I loved him.  It feels a bit silly in parts but I do think that I felt that.  I hate that I haven’t come across anyone who I’d put above him yet…..in terms of fucking at least, but that is a hard one to judge because perhaps the sex seemed so good due to my initial infatuation.  I also have yet to communicate with anyone in the same manner as some of my favourite conversations with him.

I do hate that I want him but he wants her and needs her. I’m happy being me though, I don’t want to be anyone else.

I do miss him. And sometimes I can’t sleep or eat. I definitely got attached when it was fucking around. Friends can definitely break your heart too.

Caution tape is absolutely being placed around my heart. I do wonder what he wondered, if anything….which he clearly did on the odd occasion.

I absolutely, 100% do know that I control my thoughts and I should stop reminiscing.

But most definitely, if I were him I would never let me go.

via Exposed Lyrics
[Verse 1: Olivia O’Brien]
Feeling used
But I’m
Still missing you
And I can’t
See the end of this
Just wanna feel your kiss
Against my lips
And now all this time
Is passing by
But I still can’t seem to tell you why
It hurts me every time I see you
Realize how much I need you

[Hook: Olivia O’Brien]
I hate you I love you
I hate that I love you
Don’t want to, but I can’t put
Nobody else above you
I hate you I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I’ll never be her

[Verse 2: Gnash]
I miss you when I can’t sleep
Or right after coffee
Or right when I can’t eat
I miss you in my front seat
Still got sand in my sweaters
From nights we don’t remember
Do you miss me like I miss you?
Fucked around and got attached to you
Friends can break your heart too, and
I’m always tired but never of you
If I pulled a you on you, you wouldn’t like that shit
I put this reel out, but you wouldn’t bite that shit
I type a text but then I never mind that shit
I got these feelings but you never mind that shit
Oh oh, keep it on the low
You’re still in love with me but your friends don’t know
If u wanted me you would just say so
And if I were you, I would never let me go
I don’t mean no harm
I just miss you on my arm
Wedding bells were just alarms
Caution tape around my heart
You ever wonder what we could have been?
You said you wouldn’t and you fucking did
Lie to me, lie with me, get your fucking fix
Now all my drinks and all my feelings are all fucking mixed
Always missing people that I shouldn’t be missing
Sometimes you gotta burn some bridges just to create some distance
I know that I control my thoughts and I should stop reminiscing
But I learned from my dad that it’s good to have feelings
When love and trust are gone
I guess this is moving on
Everyone I do right does me wrong
So every lonely night, I sing this song

[Hook: Olivia O’Brien and Gnash]
I hate you I love you
I hate that I love you
Don’t want to, but I can’t put
Nobody else above you
I hate you I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I’ll never be her

[Bridge: Olivia O’ Brien and Gnash]
All alone I watch you watch her
Like she’s the only girl you’ve ever seen
You don’t care you never did
You don’t give a damn about me
Yeah all alone I watch you watch her
She’s the only thing you’ve ever seen
How is it you never notice
That you are slowly killing me

[Hook: Olivia O’Brien]
I hate you I love you
I hate that I love you
Don’t want to, but I can’t put
Nobody else above you
I hate you I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I’ll never be her

On love

I’ve recently discovered an amazing writer and came across this description of love that he had written, which really resonated with me:

I completely agree that hate is best broken down by spreading more love.

I love the first line of the above paragraph:

Love is that feeling where great desire mixes with a deep connection of belonging and acceptance.

I have been contemplating whether it is possible to truly know whether you really feel love for someone (as opposed to lust or idealised infatuation) when you don’t know them very well, and I think the above really helps clarify that for me.

A “deep connection of belonging and acceptance”, in my eyes, can be summed up by a feeling of somewhere or someone who feels like home.

As someone who grew up without ever truly identifying with a place or person that felt “like home” until I was an adult, I do believe I can honestly say that my feelings of “home” aren’t laced with memories and child-like wonder.

For me, home is where the heart is.

When you quieten your mind and surrender to the silence, what do you feel? What does your soul tell you?

When your energy flows freely and you have balanced chi, what answers are unveiled?

When you connect with someone who feels like “home” (where you belong and feel accepted), whether that connection is platonic or romantic, why is there so much fear in showing love? In giving love? In spreading love?

Although I guess the fear isn’t in the actions, but in labeling such actions vocally as love.

If we desire to quash the spread of hate in the world, why be so quiet about love?

I do genuinely ask this, as I continue to heal and ponder my future romantic love – as someone with virtually zero relationship experience apart from my marriage. If you truly feel love in your bones, in your soul, in the very essence of your being…..if you are able to give your love freely, without expectation of it being returned….if your giving of love doesn’t have conditions (….because they love me……because they put me up on a pedestal..) then why not shout your love from the rooftops, so to speak?

If your love makes someone uneasy or afraid, then they are not ready for your love.

Sure it may hurt that your love is not returned, but you just need to love yourself harder.

Keep filling our own cup.  Nourishing yourself. Loving yourself.

Because your vibe attracts your tribe – and when you are shining so luminously, you will also become a beacon, brightening the world…..spreading light….

And with so much light, it’s much harder for the dark to set in.

Shine brightly, my friends x