That’s just how we feel {{<3}}

I absolutely love music & lyrics that speak to me……and this song has been speaking to me of late.

Am I wrong for thinking out of the box? Am I wrong for saying that I choose another way? I’m definitely not trying to do what everybody else is doing.

And I think that I most certainly know that whenever I stumble, I do always grow.

The road that I walk down is mine to walk – I am getting better at not looking back, but I do enjoy reflecting on how far I’ve come.

I have also become infinitely better at owning my decisions, creating my own reality (because perception is reality) and not giving up my power by succumbing to the perceptions of others and allowing others to dictate who I am, what I should be or how I should feel.

I am fighting for my life.  I won’t let go.

No, I won’t let others compare me – I am unique.  Everyone is.

I know that I am not alone……in discovering life, in finding out who I am, in finding out what I want.

This IS life. That’s just how we feel ❤

 

 

Am I wrong for thinking out the box from where I stay?
Am I wrong for saying that I choose another way?

I ain’t tryna do what everybody else doing
Just ’cause everybody doing what they all do
If one thing I know, I’ll fall but I’ll grow
I’m walking down this road of mine, this road that I call home

So am I wrong
For thinking that we could be something for real?
Now am I wrong
For trying to reach the things that I can’t see?

But that’s just how I feel 
That’s just how I feel 
That’s just how I feel
Trying to reach the things that I can’t see 

Am I tripping for having a vision?
My prediction: Imma be on top of the world

Walk, walk, don’t look back, always do what you decide
Don’t let them control your life, that’s just how I feel
Fight for yours and don’t let go, don’t let them compare you, no
Don’t worry, you’re not alone, that’s just how we feel

 

 

What I want

A friend who knows about Magenta, keeps coming back to asking me what I want.  So I started this list, which I’m sure I’ll refine/amend/add to – but for now this a good start.

I want to be supported – to be thought of, looked after, cared for. To not have to ask for this, although I realise nurturing and care doesn’t come naturally for men as it does for women.

I want to be cared for in the way that no one else can or does, because you are their world and you mean the world to them. And I don’t mean to care so much about another that you forget or lose yourself.

I want to be wanted, desired, appreciated. Yes, in the way that my playmates do. I totally get that if you don’t love yourself and fulfill yourself, how can others love you?  I am getting much better at this and I do love and accept myself for the most part.

I want to be understood but also to be challenged.   Push me, question me, counter my perspectives respectfully.  Open my mind. Challenge me to grow. Grow with me.

I want my dreams and visions to be accepted, supported, admired.  Or even better, to be shared. I want someone who is my biggest cheerleader – not that I can’t satisfy this myself.

I want someone who can honestly speak these words to me. Perhaps Husband could, but I don’t know. I do know that I would honestly vow them to him. Something to discuss in my next therapy session perhaps – talking about such promises with Husband, I mean.

I want someone who sets my world on fire, as much as I set their world on fire.  I am not so naive that I think this is always the case – I know it takes work, consistency and attention – but I want someone who has the desire for this.

I want someone who speaks my language – which Husband does on almost everything except intimate and emotional matters. We honestly don’t fight or argue, although we also don’t have children yet and I think we’d have to work on a harmonious approach on parenting if we did – but I’m sure everyone needs to balance their views with their spouse on raising children.

I want someone I laugh with. Who wants to share their world with me.  All of their world – what they see, how they see it.  I want someone who dreams big, whose dreams I can chase with them and who will support me chase my dreams, as well as have dreams we chase together. 

I want someone to join me on fucking adventures.  And more adventures. But then also someone who is happy to just chill and hang together.

Is this too much to ask for?

 

In my most recent therapy session I was asked if Husband were to be more supportive and shared responsibilities more than he does now, whether this would be enough for me? Could I live without the appreciation and compliments, words of affirmation?

Love thyself

Another beautiful article from Elephant Journal

Begin to belong to you, and only you.

Did you ever belong to just yourself?

Be the person you can count on, to laugh with,

to endure with, to wipe the eyeliner from beneath your eyes.

Be the person to hug your hips, to read books to, to lay in the grass with.

You do not have to fill your spaces with someone else.

If you expect someone else to fill you, there will never be enough love.

Let light flood the empty parts of you and heal with sunshine, not fingerprints.

Why him?

I recently caught up with TheLinguist, after not having seen him since we first met and had several playdates during his last visit to my hometown.

It was really lovely to see him and he echoed the same sentiments. TheLinguist and I seem to have a really relaxed and easy friendship, if I can call it that already (as this was only his 2nd trip to my hometown, although we saw each other 4 times during his first visit). We definitely speak the same language I feel, which helps a lot in being able to be easygoing and understanding of each other.

Unfortunately I was out of action during TheLinguist’s visit, but it was nice to enjoy some skin and delicious kisses along with some blowjob practice….something I never get to do enough, that I thoroughly enjoy.

TheLinguist and I enjoyed relaxed, comfortable banter as well as the warmth and affection we seem to be able to naturally share, somehow without the lurk of added emotion, which gives cause for further reflection on my feelings for TheMaster.

I don’t know why I seem to feel genuine warmth, playfulness and desire from TheLinguist without feeling like there’s anything more than just that, unlike with TheMaster. It doesn’t feel cold or transactional at all with TheLinguist. Just like two friends who get along and like to fuck. There’s certainly enough attraction, desire and communication for great sex – but we have other great conversations too.

Something I’ve been meaning to post about for sometime, is my recent introduction to the philosophies of Alain de Botton.  In particular, his views on love and relationships in the modern era.  This amazing man was introduced to me by my wonderful therapist and listening to some of his talks, along with reading, has definitely opened up many new perspectives for me.  I do want to post separately about my own breakthroughs and thoughts since discovering Alain de Botton, but for now I reference him as I wonder why I feel the way I do about TheMaster….?  Am I simply letting myself be carried away by romantic fantasies which happen to feature him the most because he was my first real playmate?

Why TheMaster and not TheLinguist? Why not TheBull*?

*background to follow soon