Presence & Patience

…..continuing on with more music & lyrics, because patience has been on my mind of late – as well as being present (in the now, not over thinking, not living in the future or in the past) and this track came on.

This track was on a Spotify playlist of upbeat songs, I love the boppy melody but I love the meaningful lyrics too.

I certainly don’t need love to ease my mind right now – I very much want to ease my mind on my own, but these particular lyrics very much spoke to me as I go on my very first ‘pre-date’ coffee next week. Gosh, saying that makes my heart skip a beat.

I am very fond of this person (ok I have a HUGE crush), but I am conscious of being present without over thinking (we both acknowledge over thinking in life in general – not in relation to ‘us’. Acknowledgment of potential for an ‘us’ only happened in the last few days).  So, this ‘non-date’ coffee is to check in on the energy we both acknowledge. If anything progresses it will be nice and slow as there are quite a few obstacles to a traditional dating process – one being we live quite far apart. Anyway, there goes me lacking presence again!

My mama said, “you can’t hurry love
No, you’ll just have to wait”
She said, “love don’t come easy
But it’s a game of give and take”
You can’t hurry love
No, you’ll just have to wait
Just trust in a good time
No matter how long it takes

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I Hate You, I Love You

I want to preface this post with a note to say that I’m not feeling melancholic or bitter at all in the present moment.  I had actually thought of this song on a few occasions during the course of my journey with TheMaster.  I heard it again today and wanted to post it.  I am yet to speak to TheMaster and I certainly don’t literally hate him but there are elements of such feelings.

And really, I just love this song.

Some of the lyrics that truly speak to me, in relation to TheMaster, are ones I have highlighted in some way below.  A reminder that I am typically a literal, analytical INFJ but I want to state for the record that some of the lyrics aren’t ones I identify with at all in relation to TheMaster.

I don’t feel that I need or needed him…..wanted, yes absolutely.  I don’t identify with the harsh bitterness in these lyrics nor the creepy behaviour (watching you etc…yes taking it literally) but I do hate that I loved him.  It feels a bit silly in parts but I do think that I felt that.  I hate that I haven’t come across anyone who I’d put above him yet…..in terms of fucking at least, but that is a hard one to judge because perhaps the sex seemed so good due to my initial infatuation.  I also have yet to communicate with anyone in the same manner as some of my favourite conversations with him.

I do hate that I want him but he wants her and needs her. I’m happy being me though, I don’t want to be anyone else.

I do miss him. And sometimes I can’t sleep or eat. I definitely got attached when it was fucking around. Friends can definitely break your heart too.

Caution tape is absolutely being placed around my heart. I do wonder what he wondered, if anything….which he clearly did on the odd occasion.

I absolutely, 100% do know that I control my thoughts and I should stop reminiscing.

But most definitely, if I were him I would never let me go.

via Exposed Lyrics
[Verse 1: Olivia O’Brien]
Feeling used
But I’m
Still missing you
And I can’t
See the end of this
Just wanna feel your kiss
Against my lips
And now all this time
Is passing by
But I still can’t seem to tell you why
It hurts me every time I see you
Realize how much I need you

[Hook: Olivia O’Brien]
I hate you I love you
I hate that I love you
Don’t want to, but I can’t put
Nobody else above you
I hate you I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I’ll never be her

[Verse 2: Gnash]
I miss you when I can’t sleep
Or right after coffee
Or right when I can’t eat
I miss you in my front seat
Still got sand in my sweaters
From nights we don’t remember
Do you miss me like I miss you?
Fucked around and got attached to you
Friends can break your heart too, and
I’m always tired but never of you
If I pulled a you on you, you wouldn’t like that shit
I put this reel out, but you wouldn’t bite that shit
I type a text but then I never mind that shit
I got these feelings but you never mind that shit
Oh oh, keep it on the low
You’re still in love with me but your friends don’t know
If u wanted me you would just say so
And if I were you, I would never let me go
I don’t mean no harm
I just miss you on my arm
Wedding bells were just alarms
Caution tape around my heart
You ever wonder what we could have been?
You said you wouldn’t and you fucking did
Lie to me, lie with me, get your fucking fix
Now all my drinks and all my feelings are all fucking mixed
Always missing people that I shouldn’t be missing
Sometimes you gotta burn some bridges just to create some distance
I know that I control my thoughts and I should stop reminiscing
But I learned from my dad that it’s good to have feelings
When love and trust are gone
I guess this is moving on
Everyone I do right does me wrong
So every lonely night, I sing this song

[Hook: Olivia O’Brien and Gnash]
I hate you I love you
I hate that I love you
Don’t want to, but I can’t put
Nobody else above you
I hate you I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I’ll never be her

[Bridge: Olivia O’ Brien and Gnash]
All alone I watch you watch her
Like she’s the only girl you’ve ever seen
You don’t care you never did
You don’t give a damn about me
Yeah all alone I watch you watch her
She’s the only thing you’ve ever seen
How is it you never notice
That you are slowly killing me

[Hook: Olivia O’Brien]
I hate you I love you
I hate that I love you
Don’t want to, but I can’t put
Nobody else above you
I hate you I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I’ll never be her

Synchronicity & serendipity

Since deciding to step out of my pretty little garden and knock the hinges off the gate, I have experienced SO much synchronicity – which at times has been as comforting as it has been heartbreaking in the moment.

One example of such synchronicity, was hearing two different versions of the song Landslide which I posted earlier this year, whilst driving home one night recently.

At the time that I posted Landslide with the simple title, it spoke to me in a different way than what it has more recently.  Back then it was more that yes, I was afraid of changing because I had always seen my life a certain way.

More recently, I’ve realised extra meanings of this song (by my interpretation). This verse in particular speaks volumes to me about self-love and speaking your truth

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Can the child within my heart rise above? – This speaks to me about being who you truly are….what does your soul say? What ignites your spirit? Who are you when you peel back the masks and unveil? When you sink into your heart space?

My answer is a resounding YES.

Yes, I love you but I love me more.
Yes, the child within my heart can rise above.
Yes, I can sail through the changing ocean tides
Yes, I CAN handle the seasons of my life.

 

Shortly after, in the same car trip home, I heard this:

Nobody said it was easy
It’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh, take me back to the start

This track definitely aided a few tears from me. It is absolutely fucking hard. Not an easy choice for anyone. Yes it takes courage, I do wish I could go back to the start but at the same time I wouldn’t be where I am today if things hadn’t happened exactly how they did…..

I do hope to post soon about what stepping out my garden has entailed, but there is a lot to juggle at present.

I have been blessed by so much love and support – grateful to realise how many amazing friends I have, when I’d always thought I didn’t have many at all.

I hunger for your touch…

Current feels: breathless & hungry.

A hunger that is best satiated by TheMaster.  Not that I cannot fulfil myself…..I don’t need him, but I do want him.

This track came to mind…excuse the grainy quality clip that I found but it speaks to me the most.

I love language – this clip has both Spanish & English lyric subtitles. And of course this track is synonymous with the movie Ghost. Who doesn’t love classic Patrick Swayze?

The characters I know him best for are a little reminiscent of TheMaster to me – just the “good bad boy” vibe I guess.

One friend, who knows about Magenta, remarked to me once that TheMaster “looked like trouble”….which I know what she meant and I can understand her getting that vibe.

Perhaps I’m somewhat blinded, but I think he has plenty of good about him despite any “bad boy” tendencies that may be present.

That’s just how we feel {{<3}}

I absolutely love music & lyrics that speak to me……and this song has been speaking to me of late.

Am I wrong for thinking out of the box? Am I wrong for saying that I choose another way? I’m definitely not trying to do what everybody else is doing.

And I think that I most certainly know that whenever I stumble, I do always grow.

The road that I walk down is mine to walk – I am getting better at not looking back, but I do enjoy reflecting on how far I’ve come.

I have also become infinitely better at owning my decisions, creating my own reality (because perception is reality) and not giving up my power by succumbing to the perceptions of others and allowing others to dictate who I am, what I should be or how I should feel.

I am fighting for my life.  I won’t let go.

No, I won’t let others compare me – I am unique.  Everyone is.

I know that I am not alone……in discovering life, in finding out who I am, in finding out what I want.

This IS life. That’s just how we feel ❤

 

 

Am I wrong for thinking out the box from where I stay?
Am I wrong for saying that I choose another way?

I ain’t tryna do what everybody else doing
Just ’cause everybody doing what they all do
If one thing I know, I’ll fall but I’ll grow
I’m walking down this road of mine, this road that I call home

So am I wrong
For thinking that we could be something for real?
Now am I wrong
For trying to reach the things that I can’t see?

But that’s just how I feel 
That’s just how I feel 
That’s just how I feel
Trying to reach the things that I can’t see 

Am I tripping for having a vision?
My prediction: Imma be on top of the world

Walk, walk, don’t look back, always do what you decide
Don’t let them control your life, that’s just how I feel
Fight for yours and don’t let go, don’t let them compare you, no
Don’t worry, you’re not alone, that’s just how we feel