You, your glance, your touch
You fill me ever so much
Please give me more, Master x
Oh Kate Rose…..how I love your prose!
I have professed my love of this writer’s way with words a few times before – so much of what she writes truly resonates with me.
I just read one of her latest articles today and it articulates much of what I have come to feel is true for me recently.
I have come to realise that whilst I do love Husband and we have created some amazing memories together…….I believe that I fell in love with him out of ‘ego’ – very much with my head. Sure, there was an element of heart there and there is certainly much that I admire and love about him still……but it’s never been a soulful love. The paragraph I’ve highlighted below very much resonates with my recent realisations.
The whole article is definitely worth reading…..the words truly speak to my soul.
Of all the “logical” things in this world—love isn’t one of them.
It’s been said that we never love in the same way twice. While that’s true because each person is different and so is the way in which we care about them, what it boils down to is: Do we love them with our head or with our heart?This isn’t an issue of one way being preferable over another, but there are differences in authenticity, longevity, and depth that each just naturally exudes.
It seems that for many of us our first—or first few—loves are based more in our heads than our hearts. It’s not to say that we don’t actually feel genuine love for them, but it’s usually a logical love, even if it is profound.
For many of us, as we age we don’t really grow up, but rather grow out of the boxes that we either were placed in as children or placed ourselves in to conform. When we’re young and not yet developed into our authentic selves, we tend to believe that love is a choice of convenience and reason.
We chose partners based on what we felt we wanted or needed, and to help fulfill the role that we believed we had to live up to in society—and perhaps we even felt that we were happy.
It’s a love that makes sense, that doesn’t challenge our place in the world, and through our decisions, we fulfill the roles that we feel compelled to.
Loving with our head may even be satisfying—but it’s not soul-enriching.
Very often, we will believe ourselves to be content because our ego is comfortable in that love. It knows what to expect, and it feels good because others approve of our path and the partner that we have chosen to stand with in this life.
Our hearts tend to grow into love with someone who will help us question our own lives and belief systems—the type of person who will, through our own experiences with them, help propel us further along our own paths of self-development…..
I just came across this verse that I absolutely loved as a child. I may have been a tween. I remember having it written out somewhere and I loved reading it……but somewhere along the way I had totally forgotten about it.
….I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself
Somewhere….in between seeking comfort and safety from the trauma I was raised in, I feel like I perhaps lost myself. All of my maladapted behaviours made me fearful of speaking my truth, hearing my truth, being my truth.
I think I am well on my way to finding it again….now to have the courage to speak it and let it out…
Twelve months ago……almost 365 days……in a galaxy not too far from here….I had no idea that my life was about to be forever changed.
It was this very week, last year, that I met TheMaster.
Well, I feel like I’m on my way to where I’m meant to be.
It does feel odd to say, as someone well into adulthood, but I can honestly say that I feel like I know who I am more than ever before.
So, who am I?
I love to fuck – call it sex, making love, fucking….whatever you wish to name it. I love all of the ecstasy and magic of the human body connecting with another. I don’t believe I need love for sex but I do love soul connections, energy vibrations….when you know someone is vibrating on your frequency. Love certainly does give sex a deeper experience, I don’t disagree with that.
I love all types of music – from indie pop, alternative & grunge; to 60s, 70s 80s & 90s; old school R’n’B, some newer stuff & the odd hip hop; jazz, funk, blues; the odd pop track & other songs I don’t even know what to class as. I love Latin American music, French pop & reggae. I love covers of songs in different styles from their original (i.e. Nirvana done in jazz style or Pop/dance covered in an acoustic a capella style). I love anything with interesting use of strings, xylophone or base.
I love dressing in different ways – girly, sexy, cute, casual. I do love lingerie too (hubby is a bit apathetic over it, but that’s his preference. I love it so, yes I will buy it and wear it). I am still finding my style a little. Sometimes I like to be dolled up, sometimes not. I can’t run around in heels as much as I used to and I’m certainly no fashionista but I’m okay with that. And no matter what I’m wearing, I am always prepared to get my hands dirty to do whatever is needed.
I am very much an INFJ, despite my initial reservations that this wasn’t me at all. Often quiet with those I am unsure of but bubbly and engaging with those I am comfortable with. I’m factual and analytical, which used to come across as judgemental (perhaps still does at times).
I do think a lot, so finding true silence recently has been quite the revelation for me – despite not being new to meditation and mindfulness. I never realised before that silence allows you to hear what is truly important – yourself, your truth, your intuition. If you can’t hear yourself, how do you know who you are? If you don’t know who you are, how can you love yourself? Although my grapples with self-love and self-acceptance do go deeper than my personality type, as I have touched on before.
I love learning new things and connecting with others. Especially with those vibrating on similar frequencies as me. I am ever so grateful for stumbling upon my (now) good friend Ava who inspired me to blog.
I’ve learned that if anyone has issues with who I am, what I like or what I do – this says more about them than it does about me. I am not what you think I am, you are what you think I am. What you see is what you reflect. I did ‘know’ this before but I feel like I’ve only really properly learnt this recently.
Anyone projecting negativity or unkindness requires the most love and compassion. I know this has been true for me – when I’m projecting shit it’s usually because I feel shit or am suffering in some way. Often suffering because of thoughts of my own making, my own projections or expectations. I can choose to hold on to this negativity or let it go.
Peace comes from presence. Be the love, in order to feel the love. Be the light and you will see the light, you will attract it. See abundance and you will have it.
Let go of questions or actions driven from the ego, what matters most is if you love yourself. Validation from others will never be enough if you don’t validate yourself.
It is only after fulfilling ourselves that we can truly spread loving-kindness and peace.
It’s not all hunky dory every day – there are most certainly ebbs and flows – but the veil of darkness and ignorance is lifting, and I am finding the light. I can hear myself more clearly. I am finding my way home. The times I undervalue myself and ignore my truth are becoming less frequent.
The universe works in mysterious ways indeed and I look forward to finding out what else is in store for me.
Without expectation or crystal ball gazing, I know – undoubtedly – that I want you in my life.
To know you. To nourish you. To conquer with you, separately together.
But always to nourish ourselves first and foremost.
The me of my 20s was a very different me but I am grateful for everything that has brought me to who I am today.
I cannot be bought. I do not value material things. No, I am not uppity.
I value freedom, truth, authenticity. Which may sound incongruent with my current activities but I have been fighting for my truth.
I want to be known, to be understood, for someone to want to know me. All of me.
I want to know all of you – the dark and the light.
I will not be owned, I do not want to own you or buy you.
I don’t want to save you and
I don’t want you to save me.
I don’t need you, but I do want you – however your presence may be.
Your presence may only be small. Or it may not be now. Or it may be never at all.
But I want you.
In the weeks since I posted about getting uncomfortable and having the courage to heal myself, make peace with myself and find my truth, I definitely feel like I am finally getting somewhere.
At this point in time, I find myself pondering the possibilities of the known vs the unknown – staying in my ‘comfortable garden’ vs stepping through ‘the gate’.
The Garden The known
A loving family I adore, who love me
Friends who engage with my health and spiritual sides
A comfortable life
Fulfillment of goals in a life that ‘looks good’- society values
Friendship, love, companionship from a partner who is ‘detached’, and lives with the ‘dimmer down’, but is in general kind, intelligent, hard-working and has similar values and some similar interests to me, who also allows me much freedom – we both allow each other much freedom. But I also feel a lack of support, affection and intimacy.
Through the Gate The unknown
Friends (‘chosen family’) who engage in my health and spiritual sides
Living my truth more authentically
More time to solely support myself and my goals
A passionate life
Relentless pursuit of goals that align with my truth and values
The partner I seek – each other’s best friend and biggest cheerleader; supportive, passionate, alignment of values and interests (especially in health and pursuit of improving lives for the greater good); alignment in values of affection and intimacy.
As I look within to find my answers, I trust that I will have the courage to find and speak my truth.
I am a lover of words, language and especially alliteration – hence the title of my blog and also this post.
Before I go on, I will state that my linguistical skills throughout this blog are somewhat lacking for the standards of Me. As with most people in this day and age, life is fucking hectic – especially when you are someone who is always doing something.
Adding to this, the fact that Magenta exists in my life – resulting in this blog being unknown to those I share my life with, finding the time to write as well as I would like to (hell, even write at all!) can be tricky.
But I digress.
As much as Magenta has brought much magic and magnificence to my life, she certainly has been more than a bit of a mind-fucking bitch!
As I sit on the cusp of a year of having Magenta in my life, I have certainly grown in ways I never would have expected. I never would have expected to have my views on relationships, love, monogamy and sex evolve in the ways that they have.
With Magenta coming into my life, I never expected to discover so much about Me. I guess I also had some other significant factors in my life that have also contributed to the depth of enquiry into myself, but Magenta has certainly brought about many quality questions.
And despite the mind-fuckery and inner turmoil, my journey as Magenta has definitely aided in my growth and inner peace, especially more recently – although the heightened inner peace has been aided by things I have recently been reading about and learning.
I am enjoying learning more about non-attachment – as it relates to life in general, not only in relationships. I love the questions that such learnings on attachment have brought about regarding my feelings and thoughts. This article has some great explanations of attachment love. Being conscious of this now, I love how freeing it is – the thought of non-attachment to things and relationships. I also love the thought of giving love freely, without being attached to needing it reciprocated. Attachment not only burdens the object of your attachment but also yourself. To be able to love without attachment, is quite liberating. Another great clip on attachment love can be found here.
All of that said, despite my evolved views; more ability to be present and acknowledge; as well as more ability in seeing how everyone colours their world differently; despite becoming more familiar with recognising fantasy and romantic ideations vs reality…….. I still have periods of feeling mind-fucked by TheMaster.
I will give some examples but I do still find it somewhat annoying. My learnings on presence and reflecting on what is real for me is certainly helping me release such negative feelings, as I know that such thoughts of mine are those which only I create.
I actually started drafting this post a couple of weeks ago but titled it “The Mindfuckery of Me by Magenta and TheMaster” as, after writing my update on ‘Magenta’s Men‘, I honestly didn’t think I would hear much from TheMaster at all. Through my recent enlightenment learnings, I realised that the mind-fuckery was actually me and not TheMaster – I had the choice of my perceptions.
But then he reappeared in the way that he does and then disappeared again – which I only discovered when I received a bunch of blog hits one afternoon that freaked me out. I wondered if my blog had been discovered by hubby, so I tried reaching out to TheMaster only to discover he was offline on Messenger. I tried phoning him but it went to voicemail. I emailed his ‘messenger’ email address as a last resort, but didn’t receive a reply to for 10 days. When he finally replied via email, he mentioned he’d had a bit going on himself and the blog hits weren’t him.
Upon hearing that he wasn’t travelling so well, I decided to send him a little care pack as I knew he enjoyed non-fiction reading, so I got him a book I thought he might enjoy. After sending the parcel off I received an email reply from him unexpectedly the next day, in which he mentioned that he would be vacant for a while and may in fact disappear forever. He stated in his email that he would explain more at a later date and would talk to me before disappearing for good, if that were to happen. I mentioned that I had sent him something and apologised if this was going to cause him any issues but he responded that “a surprise from my Magenta is always welcome”. Then he was gone again, but this absence was forewarned and I understood it at least.
About a week or so later he came back online to messenger to let me know he’d received my parcel and throughout that week we had some sporadic pleasant chat as I updated him on my world.
During one exchange, I asked him about vanishing and he told me he was “here for a bit, babe”. I asked for clarification on what ‘here’ meant and he said that “here = Messenger world”, to which I inquired further “Messenger world = play world?”. He replied “mmm maybe. If yes, only you”. After asking for more clarification on that response, he replied further “Play world, if I play I only wish to play with you. Make sense?”. Later I further asked “When here = messenger world// Messenger world = me // = I don’t exist outside of messenger world. Correct?”. To which he replied “Incorrect. You definitely exist outside of Messenger world”.
The next day he did one of his annoying mind-fuckery things, sending me a message asking “how is my girl?”, which enlightened Me recognises as a message that caused drama with my ego. We enjoyed some ongoing chat again for the next couple of days and I helped him with a personal project later that week via email.
After another quiet couple of days, I sent him a snap of a new dress I’d bought which I knew he’d like (it was in a favourite colour of his). He replied a day or so later, telling me I looked “smokin’ “. After a bit of cheeky back-forth messaging (including some images and a little video clip from him), during which he confirmed he would be in my town in the next couple of months, he dropped the bombshell that things weren’t great with his wife and that they were on the verge of being done.
Surprisingly, I slept okay that night – really well actually. We ended up chatting on the phone later the following day when he elaborated on happenings with his wife and we caught up a little on Magenta’s world. He asked me how things were with my husband and I expressed that whilst there had been some recent good chats, things were still moving slowly and hubby still wasn’t really meeting my needs.
TheMaster counseled me saying that each day I let pass by without speaking my truth was another wasted day of life. He asked me if hubby had joined me at therapy (yes), and whether hubby had gone to his own therapy (no). When I expressed my view that these things took time, he disagreed stating that it had only been a short period of time since he expressed to his wife that he wasn’t in love with her. I was a little taken aback to hear that’s what he had done as he only mentioned via Messenger that things weren’t great.
Only just the previous week, I had been pondering myself about husband and whether we were just friends rather than husband & wife. We certainly have never attained ‘best friend’ status in my eyes, but we are certainly good friends. The more I ponder this, the more I feel it is true for us and I wonder if it is true for hubby too, being that our relationship is really only the first major one for both of us.
I certainly love hubby and I’m not saying that I couldn’t fall in love with him again….that’s what a good marriage is though, right? There’s a quote that I like that says something like “a successful marriage requires falling in love several times, always with the same person”. We certainly have plenty to lose by parting and but I do wonder if the dreams I’d like to chase are not aligned with our marriage. I know I need to discuss these things with hubby but I guess I need to be more certain of my own truth too. At the same time, I do wonder if I am being unfair on hubby that he is unaware of my ponderings?
I am glad I have my wonderful therapist to discuss this with and I intend to do so during our next session.