What Katy did next

Oh Kate Rose…..how I love your prose!

I have professed my love of this writer’s way with words a few times before – so much of what she writes truly resonates with me.

I just read one of her latest articles today and it articulates much of what I have come to feel is true for me recently.

I have come to realise that whilst I do love Husband and we have created some amazing memories together…….I believe that I fell in love with him out of ‘ego’ – very much with my head. Sure, there was an element of heart there and there is certainly much that I admire and love about him still……but it’s never been a soulful love.  The paragraph I’ve highlighted below very much resonates with my recent realisations.

The whole article is definitely worth reading…..the words truly speak to my soul.

Of all the “logical” things in this world—love isn’t one of them.

It’s been said that we never love in the same way twice. While that’s true because each person is different and so is the way in which we care about them, what it boils down to is: Do we love them with our head or with our heart?

This isn’t an issue of one way being preferable over another, but there are differences in authenticity, longevity, and depth that each just naturally exudes.

It seems that for many of us our first—or first few—loves are based more in our heads than our hearts. It’s not to say that we don’t actually feel genuine love for them, but it’s usually a logical love, even if it is profound.

For many of us, as we age we don’t really grow up, but rather grow out of the boxes that we either were placed in as children or placed ourselves in to conform. When we’re young and not yet developed into our authentic selves, we tend to believe that love is a choice of convenience and reason.

We chose partners based on what we felt we wanted or needed, and to help fulfill the role that we believed we had to live up to in society—and perhaps we even felt that we were happy.

It’s a love that makes sense, that doesn’t challenge our place in the world, and through our decisions, we fulfill the roles that we feel compelled to.

Loving with our head may even be satisfying—but it’s not soul-enriching.

Very often, we will believe ourselves to be content because our ego is comfortable in that love. It knows what to expect, and it feels good because others approve of our path and the partner that we have chosen to stand with in this life.

Our hearts tend to grow into love with someone who will help us question our own lives and belief systems—the type of person who will, through our own experiences with them, help propel us further along our own paths of self-development…..

Truth seeker

Wow.

I just came across this verse that I absolutely loved as a child. I may have been a tween. I remember having it written out somewhere and I loved reading it……but somewhere along the way I had totally forgotten about it.

….I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself

7febc361c510abc6dd4234e6ffed9e85Somewhere….in between seeking comfort and safety from the trauma I was raised in, I feel like I perhaps lost myself. All of my maladapted behaviours made me fearful of speaking my truth, hearing my truth, being my truth.

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I think I am well on my way to finding it again….now to have the courage to speak it and let it out…

The garden vs the gate

In the weeks since I posted about getting uncomfortable and having the courage to heal myself, make peace with myself and find my truth, I definitely feel like I am finally getting somewhere.

As I continue to ask myself quality questions, as well as engage in discussions with various friends, including some new ones, I ponder this;

The entire point of life is to decide if we want to stay in our own little garden safe behind the fence coated in comfort tending the same garden we’ve always occupied.

 Or, if we are brave enough to leave everything that we’ve ever known and make the choice to walk through the gate into the absolute and complete unknown. 

At this point in time, I find myself pondering the possibilities of the known vs the unknown – staying in my ‘comfortable garden’ vs stepping through ‘the gate’.

The Garden The known

A loving family I adore, who love me
Friends who engage with my health and spiritual sides
A comfortable life
Travel
Financial security/freedom
Fulfillment of goals in a life that ‘looks good’- society values
Friendship, love, companionship from a partner who is ‘detached’, and lives with the ‘dimmer down’, but is in general kind, intelligent, hard-working and has similar values and some similar interests to me, who also allows me much freedom – we both allow each other much freedom. But I also feel a lack of support, affection and intimacy.

Through the Gate The unknown

Friends (‘chosen family’) who engage in my health and spiritual sides
Living my truth more authentically
More time to solely support myself and my goals
Financial security/freedom
A passionate life
Adventures
Relentless pursuit of goals that align with my truth and values
The partner I seek – each other’s best friend and biggest cheerleader; supportive, passionate, alignment of values and interests (especially in health and pursuit of improving lives for the greater good); alignment in values of affection and intimacy.

 

As I look within to find my answers, I trust that I will have the courage to find and speak my truth.

Dear Me – the caterpillar

Following on from my previous post, this letter is from my future self…..setting intentions with the new moon.

**I originally wrote this letter to Magenta, but realised that Magenta will not exist in my future. Magenta is only a stepping stone on the path to creating Me.

 

Write a repair letter, a love letter, or a gratitude letter to a past/present/future version of you, to others who have shaped and deeply impacted your life, or to those you have unfinished business with. You know the letter I speak of—it is the one you carry in your heart, that writes itself in those “in-between” moments, the one that you would write if only you were brave and honest enough. – via Elephant Journal

Dear 2017 Me  – the caterpillar,

I know that you have been working a lot on yourself over the last few years, which has definitely reached a peak at present.  

I know that you still have much uncertainty, that you still hold on to fear, anxiety, have a lack of trust in yourself and undervalue yourself a lot.  Despite moments of knowing you are pretty fucking awesome…..let’s be honest, babe….. in many instances – you still think of yourself as a fraud.  

Well, I can tell you now that I’m really laughing on reflection, cos WOW – you truly do rock the casbah!  

Babe, you are truly making a difference in the work that you do here now.  I wish you knew all the amazing things that you are going to go on to do and achieve – all the lives you are going to change for the better.  

All the work that you are doing on your instincts, trusting yourself, knowing your intuition – keep working on that Third Eye Chakra hon. And your Root Chakra too. Everything will be okay.

Have courage. Release your fears. I am proof that you will be okay….I know it can be hard to see at times….I can see now that you were a caterpillar and here I am, the butterfly. 

Keep practising presence and acceptance – for both the good and the bad. Everyone does things they think are bad and everyone has thoughts they think are bad – you are a good person.  Remember to practice self-soothing when you want to beat yourself up, don’t rationalise your thoughts.  You will get better at this.

You will also get better at creating your reality – because you have had so many lessons in this.  This is second nature to you now, you intrinsically know that whatever happens, you always have a choice.  

A choice of how you interpret things.  A choice in how you react. 

Always choose with good intentions. Seek the good.  Be the good.  Know that it is there and you will find it. The world always needs more love, sprinkle that shit everywhere.  

I am so grateful that you hung in there, girl!  Fighting the good fight, searching, questioning, forever curious.  Babe, you know you are truly magical.  You may still be questioning it, but where I am now – pffffft, don’t question it, just believe it.

I was there all along, you didn’t have to find me…..you needed to CREATE me. 

And in creating me, you found what you were looking for all along but couldn’t find. That’s because I couldn’t be found – you had to go through everything in order for me to be created – what an epic achievement!

I love you – you are amazing!

Love, light and laughter (always laughter!),

The Butterfly, future Me

Awakened

I’ve been trying to find a way to describe my evolved feelings for TheMaster and I came across these words from Elephant Journal, which seem to say what I have been trying to find the words to describe.

I have no issue admitting to having had a schoolgirl crush on TheMaster – I completely recognise that for what it was at the time.  That crush-like feeling certainly crops up from time to time, but it has also evolved as I have experienced growth and I don’t feel like I have such a sense of needy-ness anymore.

Sure I have desire for him like no other, but I am happy to own that as my choice and my reality without needing reciprocation or to force anything.  If I decide that reciproction is something I need or value then I will be happy to seek such answers at that time.

I would like to know him more than what he has revealed of himself to date, but I also recognise that I haven’t really asked to know him more.

I definitely know that he has had a profound affect on me….the way that I feel like he reads me so well; the way he explains things in a way that resonates with me; as well as made me question things and opened my mind, respectfully; the way that he has brought about greater self-acceptance in me.

I honestly have no idea how he feels – and I don’t feel it’s something I need to unequivocally know right now.

I’m okay with how I feel and I’m happy to own that as my own experience.

Yes, he has awakened me and such awakening has has spurred me to grow.

The last paragraph {extract below} of this post from Elephant Journal really resonates with how I feel.

Meeting TheMaster has brought about much self-reflection, inquiry and honest investigtion into my own nature – in pursuit of finding, and sustaining, greater feelings of self-love and acceptance that he stirs in me.

And in loving myself more honestly, I will find my truth – what I want, what I desire in my life, what I deserve & value.

I am grateful for the awakening and look forward to discovering more.

I feel like many of us are sleepwalking our way through life.

We move through our existence in a kind of daze, an existential stupor—that is until that thing comes around forcing us to wake up.

Who knows what that thing might be? It could be anything, any kind of experience that pulls the rug from under us and makes us realize how unconscious we’ve been for most of our lives.

Perhaps it will be another person, someone who shows us what is possible, someone who reminds us of our true nature, someone who makes us remember the innocent and wondrous child that lives within the fabric of our own psyche.

Once we’ve found that thing that wakes us up from our metaphysical slumber, we then begin the work of pursuing a lasting experience of that feeling, and this feeling can only be rightly sought through self-reflection, inquiry, and an honest investigation into our own nature.

 

Here’s to getting uncomfortable

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And the really uncomfortable shit? Well that’s the stuff we need to invite in for a goddamn drink so we can get to the bottom of it once and for all.

– via Kate Rose

I’ve blogged about finding acceptance and inner peace recently, as well as in an earlier post or two.

The words of Kate Rose really say things for me much more powerfully, and more succinctly, than I have been able to.

In order to find my true answers, I must make peace with who I am.

I must heal myself.

And discover myself.

Not the self who I think others expect me to be; not the self who must be a certain way to stay safe; not the self who must conform to avoid harm or negative emotions.

The self that I am is all kinds of things to all kinds of people. Sometimes I am right, sometimes I am wrong.

But I am human.

And considering where I came from, I’m pretty fucking proud of myself.

There is absolutely no right or wrong, nor good or bad.

I can choose to accept and make peace with my perception of the way that husband loves me and the way that he participates in our life together; or I can ask for more, set out my needs and expectations.

I am worthy of more. And so is he.