Cravings

Yearning, burning with desire
The memory of you makes me throb
Your words make me wet

Second to none, you ignite my soul
and grow my mind

As much as I am present and enjoy silence,
my body screams for you, craves your touch

I am yours, take me
Feed me
Fuck me

I want your ecstasy, give me your high
You set my world on fire

Let me light up  yours

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Grief reflections

After writing my last post, I had some further thoughts on my grief.

I am sorry for so very much that led me to leaving my marriage, but I know that despite there being so SO much to lose by leaving….I could not continue knowing that I was not being authentically me – and that I felt unable to be me.

Even though I have always been known for being chatty, the environment that I grew up in unfortunately did not prepare me well for emotional conversations, nor did I get good examples of how to relate to others in such ways.  I would even go as far as saying that I very much raised myself from a young age.

Silence was my safety; I could not get hurt if I stayed silent. Thus this became my maladapted behaviour when my safety was threatened in any way.

I recognise that my grief also comes from the failings I perceive….from how I wish I was from the beginning of my relationship with husband – that I wish I could have been more me.  However, I wouldn’t be the person I am today had that have been the case.

I am very grateful for all that I have experienced – the good, the bad and the ugly – for it makes me who I am today.  But I am also saddened that my marriage is another victim of the failings of my family of origin. I know that there is more to it than just that and I most certainly do not solely place the blame on my lack of upbringing, but it saddens me nonetheless.

I also grieve that the failings of me caused me not to know my husband more.   But he is not an easy man to know.

In many ways, husband was what I needed at the time that we courted and married.  But, that no longer serves me – and that is okay.

The grief

The enormity of the grief was unexpected. The exhaustion too. So much exhaustion.

Whilst I have had extended family members pass away and have been in the presence of grief before, I have most certainly never felt such grief – like what I imagine it to be – before now.

Grief hits at unexpected moments, a memory or thought of things we’d planned. Or doing something that I used to do for him…….wondering who is going to do that for him now. Sometimes even looking at pictures of us can be difficult, not always, but on some days it is.

The grief has surprised me as I made peace with my decision a few months ago and it has been something I deeply pondered for longer. My decision is also something that I have felt strong intuition about. The more I listened to myself and allowed me to hear myself, the more it felt right for me.

I have been praised for my bravery and courage in making such a decision, as well as following through and acting on it. It certainly wasn’t an easy decision to make at all. Some people have definitely been shocked by the news, which was to be expected.

It seems to be when chatting with those whose opinions I value, who are shocked that have sometimes made me question myself.  And I do know that nothing is black and white in this world.

But I also know what I want – and as much as it hurts at times, what I want are things that husband never was nor could be.

Silence is Golden

A conversation with TheMaster…

Master:
I’m sorry for being rude, it’s not intended. I’m just kinda struggling with a whole lot of things and find that when I’d normally text or talk with you is a time that I crave silence. It’s not just you that I’ve been rude to, whilst that is still not acceptable, I just want you to know it’s not you, it is me and my world of “fucking hell”.
I’m ok, just trying to put a 20,000 piece puzzle together in poor light!

Magenta:
Hey! I’m not finding you rude, but thank you for the acknowledgement of what could be seen as ignorance or similar.
You taught me about silence. Well, I mean I finally “got it” about presence & silence because of you, so I totally get it. 

Glad to know you’re ok, please do look after yourself.

Love the analogy & I get it. 

My bandaid is completely off & I’m learning more and more to let go of expectation. I wasn’t expecting the magnitude of exhaustion and I’m sure there’s more to come. 

Silence is needed to hear yourself, listen to your soul without the noise of your mind. Cos your soul is where your truth exists. I get that. It’s the most important – well for me it is, after realising my mind has been ruling for far too long. Take your silence to hear yourself, it’s incredibly important now more than ever.

Synchronicity & serendipity

Since deciding to step out of my pretty little garden and knock the hinges off the gate, I have experienced SO much synchronicity – which at times has been as comforting as it has been heartbreaking in the moment.

One example of such synchronicity, was hearing two different versions of the song Landslide which I posted earlier this year, whilst driving home one night recently.

At the time that I posted Landslide with the simple title, it spoke to me in a different way than what it has more recently.  Back then it was more that yes, I was afraid of changing because I had always seen my life a certain way.

More recently, I’ve realised extra meanings of this song (by my interpretation). This verse in particular speaks volumes to me about self-love and speaking your truth

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Can the child within my heart rise above? – This speaks to me about being who you truly are….what does your soul say? What ignites your spirit? Who are you when you peel back the masks and unveil? When you sink into your heart space?

My answer is a resounding YES.

Yes, I love you but I love me more.
Yes, the child within my heart can rise above.
Yes, I can sail through the changing ocean tides
Yes, I CAN handle the seasons of my life.

 

Shortly after, in the same car trip home, I heard this:

Nobody said it was easy
It’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh, take me back to the start

This track definitely aided a few tears from me. It is absolutely fucking hard. Not an easy choice for anyone. Yes it takes courage, I do wish I could go back to the start but at the same time I wouldn’t be where I am today if things hadn’t happened exactly how they did…..

I do hope to post soon about what stepping out my garden has entailed, but there is a lot to juggle at present.

I have been blessed by so much love and support – grateful to realise how many amazing friends I have, when I’d always thought I didn’t have many at all.

A reminder to be objective

“An objective perspective is one that is not influenced by emotions, opinions, or personal feelings – it is a perspective based in fact, in things quantifiable and measurable.

A subjective perspective is one open to greater interpretation based on personal feeling, emotion, aesthetics, etc.”

TheMaster & I had a couple of nice conversations this week.

It was really lovely to chat rather than text – whilst we understand each other fine via text, talking with him feels really comfortable. Gosh I talk way too much and I do feel like I need to be a better listener (how do you get people to talk?!).

I love the way TheMaster listens and challenges me, always in a respectful and gentle (sometimes playful) manner.  It was uncanny that, during one of our conversations, he reinforced a lesson I’d been reminded of at work during the week by my boss – a reminder in letting go of things that don’t matter.

We chatted about what we’d been up to and he spoke of his weekend visit to my hometown, which I posted about when questioning mindfuckery. His trip had been to take his sons to a sports match that was on in my town, so quite understandable that there was zero chance of saying hi and I’m sure he didn’t even think I would be annoyed at his casual mention of having been here.

Being more objective is definitely something that has been a big learning for me in recent years. Having been raised in such turbulence with constant fight or flight situations, I am typically quick to interpret and react – as this was a need to keep me safe growing up. This ingrained behaviour doesn’t serve me as well in adulthood.

With my recent learnings in letting go and practicing non-attachment, I was definitely less shitty than I might have been in the past but it was good to have the reminder to be objective!