New Year, New Anthem/s

I am alive. I am here. I am more than alive. And happy new year to you.

Much to catch up on, I do apologise I have been rather manic Magenta of late (divorce and illness will do that to you) and I have been very much missing the musings of my favourite blogs as well as publishing my own tales (4 drafts, no less – a LOT to catch up on).

I must update about TheMaster. A pretty huge update, which will take me some time to reflect on how to post about it. I wish I could post about it in its entirety but I fear it would compromise his anonymity. I will say for now that he is TheMaster no more. Well, he will always be TheMaster to Magenta, but his heart belongs to another. Rather poetic yet bittersweet.  I hope that we will be friends but we have yet to have that conversation.

I may have touched on some of these to come already but I may as well put it here so I push myself to finish these drafts and post! Posts to come are:

Keeping Up with TheJoneses
TheItalian Job
The Perks of Being a Unicorn
The Sunday Sesh

Now, onto my anthems….. “Just do you” came out of a wonderful weekend connecting with a couple of girlfriends. I have been seeing this a lot. I am listening and I am heeding the signs. Me first – light my fire so I can spread the light.

The other anthem I discovered is this beautiful track by Syde featuring Olivia Reid. Lyrics below. So poignant for me right now.  I do feel brand new. And I am on the way to do what I’m meant to do.

[Verse 1]
Free
Freedom to be whoever I wanna be
See whatever I wanna see
Breathe the air that I wanna breathe
Feels like my life is a dream
Where I don’t need you to believe in me

[Chorus]
‘Cause, oh, I feel brand new
And I love the view
I’m on my way to do
What I’m meant to do
‘Cause, oh, I feel brand new
And I love the view
I’m on my way to do
What I’m meant to do

[Verse 2]
I wanna wake up the light in my eyes
Goin’ blind ’cause darlin’ our future’s too bright
Running on my own world tour
Country, country, more and more
Wrong turn here, right turn there
I can lead myself anywhere
Love you to the moon and back again
Best believe I mean what I said
Free to fall, every now and then
Take a chance, every chance I can
Running, running, and I’m gone
A dreamer chasin’ the sun
My journey’s just begun
See where I can run

[Bridge]
I want to run through the rain
And no more songs about love or ’bout pain
I keep my head up, above the clouds
‘Cause I got no time to be brought down

[Chorus]
‘Cause, oh, I feel brand new
And I love the view
I’m on my way to do
What I’m meant to do

[Bridge]
I want to run through the rain
And no more songs about love or ’bout pain
I keep my head up, above the clouds
‘Cause I got no time to be brought down

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On love

I’ve recently discovered an amazing writer and came across this description of love that he had written, which really resonated with me:

I completely agree that hate is best broken down by spreading more love.

I love the first line of the above paragraph:

Love is that feeling where great desire mixes with a deep connection of belonging and acceptance.

I have been contemplating whether it is possible to truly know whether you really feel love for someone (as opposed to lust or idealised infatuation) when you don’t know them very well, and I think the above really helps clarify that for me.

A “deep connection of belonging and acceptance”, in my eyes, can be summed up by a feeling of somewhere or someone who feels like home.

As someone who grew up without ever truly identifying with a place or person that felt “like home” until I was an adult, I do believe I can honestly say that my feelings of “home” aren’t laced with memories and child-like wonder.

For me, home is where the heart is.

When you quieten your mind and surrender to the silence, what do you feel? What does your soul tell you?

When your energy flows freely and you have balanced chi, what answers are unveiled?

When you connect with someone who feels like “home” (where you belong and feel accepted), whether that connection is platonic or romantic, why is there so much fear in showing love? In giving love? In spreading love?

Although I guess the fear isn’t in the actions, but in labeling such actions vocally as love.

If we desire to quash the spread of hate in the world, why be so quiet about love?

I do genuinely ask this, as I continue to heal and ponder my future romantic love – as someone with virtually zero relationship experience apart from my marriage. If you truly feel love in your bones, in your soul, in the very essence of your being…..if you are able to give your love freely, without expectation of it being returned….if your giving of love doesn’t have conditions (….because they love me……because they put me up on a pedestal..) then why not shout your love from the rooftops, so to speak?

If your love makes someone uneasy or afraid, then they are not ready for your love.

Sure it may hurt that your love is not returned, but you just need to love yourself harder.

Keep filling our own cup.  Nourishing yourself. Loving yourself.

Because your vibe attracts your tribe – and when you are shining so luminously, you will also become a beacon, brightening the world…..spreading light….

And with so much light, it’s much harder for the dark to set in.

Shine brightly, my friends x

Mr & Mrs Smith

Well, that escalated quickly.

I had the most amazing, energy-filled, vibe-connecting evening with an incredible married couple last night.  Very much my kind of people.

After happening upon Mrs Smith via TheSite about a week ago, only engaging in a very brief initial messenger chat, I decided to reach out and tell her more about myself.  I had known that I liked what I saw of her thus far and was pretty sure she & Mr Smith liked what they had seen of me.

After sending through more details about me sometime after dinner, a little messenger chat ensued during which I was invited over.

I will write more about our deliciously divine encounter soon, but I just wanted to stop in to say WOW. Lucky me!

Synchronicity & serendipity

Since deciding to step out of my pretty little garden and knock the hinges off the gate, I have experienced SO much synchronicity – which at times has been as comforting as it has been heartbreaking in the moment.

One example of such synchronicity, was hearing two different versions of the song Landslide which I posted earlier this year, whilst driving home one night recently.

At the time that I posted Landslide with the simple title, it spoke to me in a different way than what it has more recently.  Back then it was more that yes, I was afraid of changing because I had always seen my life a certain way.

More recently, I’ve realised extra meanings of this song (by my interpretation). This verse in particular speaks volumes to me about self-love and speaking your truth

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Can the child within my heart rise above? – This speaks to me about being who you truly are….what does your soul say? What ignites your spirit? Who are you when you peel back the masks and unveil? When you sink into your heart space?

My answer is a resounding YES.

Yes, I love you but I love me more.
Yes, the child within my heart can rise above.
Yes, I can sail through the changing ocean tides
Yes, I CAN handle the seasons of my life.

 

Shortly after, in the same car trip home, I heard this:

Nobody said it was easy
It’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh, take me back to the start

This track definitely aided a few tears from me. It is absolutely fucking hard. Not an easy choice for anyone. Yes it takes courage, I do wish I could go back to the start but at the same time I wouldn’t be where I am today if things hadn’t happened exactly how they did…..

I do hope to post soon about what stepping out my garden has entailed, but there is a lot to juggle at present.

I have been blessed by so much love and support – grateful to realise how many amazing friends I have, when I’d always thought I didn’t have many at all.

What Katy did next

Oh Kate Rose…..how I love your prose!

I have professed my love of this writer’s way with words a few times before – so much of what she writes truly resonates with me.

I just read one of her latest articles today and it articulates much of what I have come to feel is true for me recently.

I have come to realise that whilst I do love Husband and we have created some amazing memories together…….I believe that I fell in love with him out of ‘ego’ – very much with my head. Sure, there was an element of heart there and there is certainly much that I admire and love about him still……but it’s never been a soulful love.  The paragraph I’ve highlighted below very much resonates with my recent realisations.

The whole article is definitely worth reading…..the words truly speak to my soul.

Of all the “logical” things in this world—love isn’t one of them.

It’s been said that we never love in the same way twice. While that’s true because each person is different and so is the way in which we care about them, what it boils down to is: Do we love them with our head or with our heart?

This isn’t an issue of one way being preferable over another, but there are differences in authenticity, longevity, and depth that each just naturally exudes.

It seems that for many of us our first—or first few—loves are based more in our heads than our hearts. It’s not to say that we don’t actually feel genuine love for them, but it’s usually a logical love, even if it is profound.

For many of us, as we age we don’t really grow up, but rather grow out of the boxes that we either were placed in as children or placed ourselves in to conform. When we’re young and not yet developed into our authentic selves, we tend to believe that love is a choice of convenience and reason.

We chose partners based on what we felt we wanted or needed, and to help fulfill the role that we believed we had to live up to in society—and perhaps we even felt that we were happy.

It’s a love that makes sense, that doesn’t challenge our place in the world, and through our decisions, we fulfill the roles that we feel compelled to.

Loving with our head may even be satisfying—but it’s not soul-enriching.

Very often, we will believe ourselves to be content because our ego is comfortable in that love. It knows what to expect, and it feels good because others approve of our path and the partner that we have chosen to stand with in this life.

Our hearts tend to grow into love with someone who will help us question our own lives and belief systems—the type of person who will, through our own experiences with them, help propel us further along our own paths of self-development…..

Truth seeker

Wow.

I just came across this verse that I absolutely loved as a child. I may have been a tween. I remember having it written out somewhere and I loved reading it……but somewhere along the way I had totally forgotten about it.

….I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself

7febc361c510abc6dd4234e6ffed9e85Somewhere….in between seeking comfort and safety from the trauma I was raised in, I feel like I perhaps lost myself. All of my maladapted behaviours made me fearful of speaking my truth, hearing my truth, being my truth.

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I think I am well on my way to finding it again….now to have the courage to speak it and let it out…