Silence is Golden

A conversation with TheMaster…

Master:
I’m sorry for being rude, it’s not intended. I’m just kinda struggling with a whole lot of things and find that when I’d normally text or talk with you is a time that I crave silence. It’s not just you that I’ve been rude to, whilst that is still not acceptable, I just want you to know it’s not you, it is me and my world of “fucking hell”.
I’m ok, just trying to put a 20,000 piece puzzle together in poor light!

Magenta:
Hey! I’m not finding you rude, but thank you for the acknowledgement of what could be seen as ignorance or similar.
You taught me about silence. Well, I mean I finally “got it” about presence & silence because of you, so I totally get it. 

Glad to know you’re ok, please do look after yourself.

Love the analogy & I get it. 

My bandaid is completely off & I’m learning more and more to let go of expectation. I wasn’t expecting the magnitude of exhaustion and I’m sure there’s more to come. 

Silence is needed to hear yourself, listen to your soul without the noise of your mind. Cos your soul is where your truth exists. I get that. It’s the most important – well for me it is, after realising my mind has been ruling for far too long. Take your silence to hear yourself, it’s incredibly important now more than ever.

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Synchronicity & serendipity

Since deciding to step out of my pretty little garden and knock the hinges off the gate, I have experienced SO much synchronicity – which at times has been as comforting as it has been heartbreaking in the moment.

One example of such synchronicity, was hearing two different versions of the song Landslide which I posted earlier this year, whilst driving home one night recently.

At the time that I posted Landslide with the simple title, it spoke to me in a different way than what it has more recently.  Back then it was more that yes, I was afraid of changing because I had always seen my life a certain way.

More recently, I’ve realised extra meanings of this song (by my interpretation). This verse in particular speaks volumes to me about self-love and speaking your truth

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Can the child within my heart rise above? – This speaks to me about being who you truly are….what does your soul say? What ignites your spirit? Who are you when you peel back the masks and unveil? When you sink into your heart space?

My answer is a resounding YES.

Yes, I love you but I love me more.
Yes, the child within my heart can rise above.
Yes, I can sail through the changing ocean tides
Yes, I CAN handle the seasons of my life.

 

Shortly after, in the same car trip home, I heard this:

Nobody said it was easy
It’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh, take me back to the start

This track definitely aided a few tears from me. It is absolutely fucking hard. Not an easy choice for anyone. Yes it takes courage, I do wish I could go back to the start but at the same time I wouldn’t be where I am today if things hadn’t happened exactly how they did…..

I do hope to post soon about what stepping out my garden has entailed, but there is a lot to juggle at present.

I have been blessed by so much love and support – grateful to realise how many amazing friends I have, when I’d always thought I didn’t have many at all.

Truth seeker

Wow.

I just came across this verse that I absolutely loved as a child. I may have been a tween. I remember having it written out somewhere and I loved reading it……but somewhere along the way I had totally forgotten about it.

….I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself

7febc361c510abc6dd4234e6ffed9e85Somewhere….in between seeking comfort and safety from the trauma I was raised in, I feel like I perhaps lost myself. All of my maladapted behaviours made me fearful of speaking my truth, hearing my truth, being my truth.

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I think I am well on my way to finding it again….now to have the courage to speak it and let it out…

One revolution of the sun later…

Twelve months ago……almost 365 days……in a galaxy not too far from here….I had no idea that my life was about to be forever changed.

It was this very week, last year, that I met TheMaster.

I could never have predicted the journey that I have been on over the last twelve months, yet it feels like where I am is exactly where I’m meant to be.

Well, I feel like I’m on my way to where I’m meant to be.

It does feel odd to say, as someone well into adulthood, but I can honestly say that I feel like I know who I am more than ever before.

So, who am I?

I love to fuck – call it sex, making love, fucking….whatever you wish to name it.  I love all of the ecstasy and magic of the human body connecting with another.  I don’t believe I need love for sex but I do love soul connections, energy vibrations….when you know someone is vibrating on your frequency. Love certainly does give sex a deeper experience, I don’t disagree with that.

I love all types of music – from indie pop, alternative & grunge; to 60s, 70s 80s & 90s; old school R’n’B, some newer stuff & the odd hip hop; jazz, funk, blues; the odd pop track & other songs I don’t even know what to class as. I love Latin American music, French pop & reggae. I love covers of songs in different styles from their original (i.e. Nirvana done in jazz style or Pop/dance covered in an acoustic a capella style). I love anything with interesting use of strings, xylophone or base.

I love dressing in different ways – girly, sexy, cute, casual. I do love lingerie too (hubby is a bit apathetic over it, but that’s his preference. I love it so, yes I will buy it and wear it). I am still finding my style a little.  Sometimes I like to be dolled up, sometimes not. I can’t run around in heels as much as I used to and I’m certainly no fashionista but I’m okay with that. And no matter what I’m wearing, I am always prepared to get my hands dirty to do whatever is needed.

I am very much an INFJ, despite my initial reservations that this wasn’t me at all.  Often quiet with those I am unsure of but bubbly and engaging with those I am comfortable with.  I’m factual and analytical, which used to come across as judgemental (perhaps still does at times).

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I do think a lot, so finding true silence recently has been quite the revelation for me – despite not being new to meditation and mindfulness. I never realised before that silence allows you to hear what is truly important – yourself, your truth, your intuition.  If you can’t hear yourself, how do you know who you are? If you don’t know who you are, how can you love yourself?  Although my grapples with self-love and self-acceptance do go deeper than my personality type, as I have touched on before.

I love learning new things and connecting with others.  Especially with those vibrating on similar frequencies as me.  I am ever so grateful for stumbling upon my (now) good friend Ava who inspired me to blog.

I’ve learned that if anyone has issues with who I am, what I like or what I do – this says more about them than it does about me. I am not what you think I am, you are what you think I am. What you see is what you reflect.  I did ‘know’ this before but I feel like I’ve only really properly learnt this recently.

Anyone projecting negativity or unkindness requires the most love and compassion. I know this has been true for me – when I’m projecting shit it’s usually because I feel shit or am suffering in some way. Often suffering because of thoughts of my own making, my own projections or expectations. I can choose to hold on to this negativity or let it go.

Peace comes from presence. Be the love, in order to feel the love. Be the light and you will see the light, you will attract it. See abundance and you will have it.

Let go of questions or actions driven from the ego, what matters most is if you love yourself. Validation from others will never be enough if you don’t validate yourself.

I am finding my truth. Listening to my intuition. Trusting myself. Understanding myself. Loving myself. Fulfilling myself.

It is only after fulfilling ourselves that we can truly spread loving-kindness and peace.

It’s not all hunky dory every day – there are most certainly ebbs and flows – but the veil of darkness and ignorance is lifting, and I am finding the light. I can hear myself more clearly. I am finding my way home.  The times I undervalue myself and ignore my truth are becoming less frequent.

The universe works in mysterious ways indeed and I look forward to finding out what else is in store for me.

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Dear Master, with gratitude

There’s a new moon coming this week.  Apparently it’s a ‘super moon’ – meaning that it is closer to the earth, hence the ‘pull’ of the moon is much greater.  New moons are times to set intentions and manifest what you want to bring into your life as well as have gratitude.

Stronger ‘hippy’ interests are something new to me, although I have always had a spiritual bent….perhaps part of my DNA as there is spiritual presence in my family.

I loved a suggestion in this article I came across, which spoke of writing a letter to yourself or to those who have shaped and deeply impacted your life.

I thought I’d take this time to reflect on my gratitude for TheMaster….letter to my future self to follow.

Dear Master,

I know I have mentioned it before but I really wanted you to know what a profound affect you’ve had on my life and I am ever so grateful to have known you – even if it is only for a fleeting moment.

You are an amazing, AMAZING person.

Now, I do realise that it may sound silly for me to say that without really knowing you, but I truly feel that there is something special about you.  And how do you know when you really know a person anyway?

Often you never know what impact you’ve had on others’ lives – good, bad or otherwise – but you have most definitely had an impact on mine.  And for that, I will always be grateful.

I hope that those who get to have you in their lives know how lucky they are.  It makes me glad to know that there are some special little lives, which are directly influenced by you, out in the world.  I hope that they take on your lessons and teachings….because a world touched by you is an infinitely better place.

I don’t mean to say any of this with fluff or fanfare.I have done plenty of soul searching and reflecting, particularly over the last 6-months, to know that I don’t say these things with expectation or crush-like infatuation.

I most certainly have had those moments in the time that I’ve known you, but I do recognise them for what they were at the time and I have certainly grown from there.

Despite having spent much time on personal growth, something about having met you seems to have accelerated things that I have learnt but never really ‘clicked’ for me.

I finally understand practicing presence better.  I value myself and my own opinion more.  I understand the power in owning my choices – choosing my reality and not letting the actions of others dictate how I feel or what I do.

For all of the chaos and inner turmoil knowing you has brought me – you have also given me much peace, and for that I thank you.

Thank you for accepting me.

Thank you for helping me see me.

Thank you for helping me find me.

Thank you for helping me be me.

Thank you for everything that you’ve opened up my mind and my eyes to.

Thank you for helping me heal myself.

Thank you for all of the ecstasy and all of the laughs.

Thank you for showing me what care and respect from a lover can look like.

I am a better person for having known you – I will always be grateful for having met you and your influence on my life.

You will forever be my Master Kaos.

Eternally your Kitty (aka ultimate bottom bitch),

Me x