YOU are nobody’s option

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A dear friend sent me these words today after I told her of receiving a text message from TheMaster simply stating “Hope you are doing well”. Sigh. Le sigh. I mean, srsly? WTAF.

On Valentine’s day no less. I wonder what Nikki would think of such a text?

After the full moon lunar eclipse I decided in the end, I don’t need to speak to him, but we have communicated a little since my last update.

I have many a post to publish (many a minxy adventure has gotten in the way of posting I’m afraid!) but just wanted to pop by to post these words……for anyone who needs to hear them, especially on Valentine’s Day. Not that I am much of a V-Day gal at all.

Happy V-Day, lovers. A reminder from your friendly neighbourhood mystic minx, YOU are nobody’s option.

And neither am I.

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When did your heart go missing?

I just heard this track on the way home and felt such resonance with it in relation to TheMaster.

I used to cringe hearing it after leaving husband as I felt me question myself being heartless to an extent. But tonight, I loved so much about this track – the upbeat/boppy tune is rather reflective of my character.

And then the lyrics. Not all of them but most definitely the chorus.

I’m waitin’, waitin’ for nothin’
You’re leavin’, leavin’ me hangin’
When did your heart go missin’?
When did your heart go missin’?
I treat you like a princess
But your life is just one big mess
When did your heart go missin’?
When did your heart go missin’?

Yeah

I meant every word I said
I never was lyin’ when we talked in bed
I’m retracin’ every step in my head
What did I miss back then?
I was so, so misled

Yes, I treated him “like a princess” to a degree. His life is certainly one big mess. I feel like my dissection of things (to come) will definitely illustrate elements of being misled.

When did his heart go missing?

…the beginning of the end

The saga of the ending with TheMaster is best told by sharing our email exchange. I do wish to dissect things to a point, as my way of learning and processing, but this certainly says a lot.

I decided to send him the note below after spending time over the holidays with good friends and their darling children…… I realised that I should take a step back from contacting TheMaster as he was in the midst of fighting for custody of his own and I couldn’t imagine having to deal with that on top of everything else that comes with leaving your marriage…..having to set up home for more than just yourself, and all the rest of it.

Hi,
I just wanted to send you a note to set out my position…..because I like being clear, without ambiguity, although I know things aren’t static, nor black and white. I don’t like to assume but I also don’t want to ask anything of you right now – not out of a lack of respect for myself, but out of respect for both of our situations and current headspace loads.
My position is simple – I would like to know you. I would like you in my life. I have enjoyed many things in the time that I have known the little that I know of you.

I only wish to ask to be given the opportunity to make my own decision in requesting to know you and to be able to make my own mind up if I do wish to know you more – no comments of there being better around or things like that. My choice is still to request to know you more, whenever that time may come.

As you know, I am not ‘twiddling my thumbs‘ waiting around for the right moment. And I am certainly not ready to be dating any time soon. But when that time comes, I want to have clarity on knowing where I stand with you.

I don’t want to ‘go away’ but I feel that I should for the time being, please correct me if I am wrong…….but I really don’t want to be adding to any extra crap in your life right now.

Spending time with my girlfriend’s children on the weekend gave me added respect for you and your situation….the courage it took to make your choice that you did. I know that the typical societal view is to berate someone in your position but I find it inspiring and commanding of much respect….pursuing authenticity, truth and fulfillment. My nephews are amazing but I can’t imagine having to do that solo, let alone more than two. And on top of everything else.

I know I have found separating more challenging than I had anticipated and, whilst I have had plenty of added shit in my life, I can’t even imagine how suckful your journey has been.

If you do not wish to know me, please just say so. I am honestly good either way. One thing I know for certain is that I am never going to coerce anything in the future that isn’t a natural ‘fuck yes’, to quote a good Mark Manson article. You are clearly a fuck yes to many and most definitely a fuck yes for me.

If you’re not a fuck yes to knowing me, I am totally fine with that. But, if that is the case, I would like to be able to say goodbye.

I certainly don’t expect or need an essay reply, a simple fuck yes will suffice…..and yes I will be quieter perhaps, although I’m not saying ball is in your court. But if I’m not a fuck yes, please give consideration to when a goodbye can be had.

I Hate You, I Love You

I want to preface this post with a note to say that I’m not feeling melancholic or bitter at all in the present moment.  I had actually thought of this song on a few occasions during the course of my journey with TheMaster.  I heard it again today and wanted to post it.  I am yet to speak to TheMaster and I certainly don’t literally hate him but there are elements of such feelings.

And really, I just love this song.

Some of the lyrics that truly speak to me, in relation to TheMaster, are ones I have highlighted in some way below.  A reminder that I am typically a literal, analytical INFJ but I want to state for the record that some of the lyrics aren’t ones I identify with at all in relation to TheMaster.

I don’t feel that I need or needed him…..wanted, yes absolutely.  I don’t identify with the harsh bitterness in these lyrics nor the creepy behaviour (watching you etc…yes taking it literally) but I do hate that I loved him.  It feels a bit silly in parts but I do think that I felt that.  I hate that I haven’t come across anyone who I’d put above him yet…..in terms of fucking at least, but that is a hard one to judge because perhaps the sex seemed so good due to my initial infatuation.  I also have yet to communicate with anyone in the same manner as some of my favourite conversations with him.

I do hate that I want him but he wants her and needs her. I’m happy being me though, I don’t want to be anyone else.

I do miss him. And sometimes I can’t sleep or eat. I definitely got attached when it was fucking around. Friends can definitely break your heart too.

Caution tape is absolutely being placed around my heart. I do wonder what he wondered, if anything….which he clearly did on the odd occasion.

I absolutely, 100% do know that I control my thoughts and I should stop reminiscing.

But most definitely, if I were him I would never let me go.

via Exposed Lyrics
[Verse 1: Olivia O’Brien]
Feeling used
But I’m
Still missing you
And I can’t
See the end of this
Just wanna feel your kiss
Against my lips
And now all this time
Is passing by
But I still can’t seem to tell you why
It hurts me every time I see you
Realize how much I need you

[Hook: Olivia O’Brien]
I hate you I love you
I hate that I love you
Don’t want to, but I can’t put
Nobody else above you
I hate you I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I’ll never be her

[Verse 2: Gnash]
I miss you when I can’t sleep
Or right after coffee
Or right when I can’t eat
I miss you in my front seat
Still got sand in my sweaters
From nights we don’t remember
Do you miss me like I miss you?
Fucked around and got attached to you
Friends can break your heart too, and
I’m always tired but never of you
If I pulled a you on you, you wouldn’t like that shit
I put this reel out, but you wouldn’t bite that shit
I type a text but then I never mind that shit
I got these feelings but you never mind that shit
Oh oh, keep it on the low
You’re still in love with me but your friends don’t know
If u wanted me you would just say so
And if I were you, I would never let me go
I don’t mean no harm
I just miss you on my arm
Wedding bells were just alarms
Caution tape around my heart
You ever wonder what we could have been?
You said you wouldn’t and you fucking did
Lie to me, lie with me, get your fucking fix
Now all my drinks and all my feelings are all fucking mixed
Always missing people that I shouldn’t be missing
Sometimes you gotta burn some bridges just to create some distance
I know that I control my thoughts and I should stop reminiscing
But I learned from my dad that it’s good to have feelings
When love and trust are gone
I guess this is moving on
Everyone I do right does me wrong
So every lonely night, I sing this song

[Hook: Olivia O’Brien and Gnash]
I hate you I love you
I hate that I love you
Don’t want to, but I can’t put
Nobody else above you
I hate you I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I’ll never be her

[Bridge: Olivia O’ Brien and Gnash]
All alone I watch you watch her
Like she’s the only girl you’ve ever seen
You don’t care you never did
You don’t give a damn about me
Yeah all alone I watch you watch her
She’s the only thing you’ve ever seen
How is it you never notice
That you are slowly killing me

[Hook: Olivia O’Brien]
I hate you I love you
I hate that I love you
Don’t want to, but I can’t put
Nobody else above you
I hate you I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I’ll never be her

Please don’t go

Since our most recent spate of sporadic messaging, things have been more subdued with TheMaster……no doubt due to the craziness of our individual versions of “fucking hell” that we are both working through – not only with the ending of our respective marriages but our wider lives too.

The quietness hasn’t really bothered me at all as I truly appreciate how difficult things must be right now, as my reality has been similar but different.

However, my soul yearns for a wonderful man, who can’t be in my life right now – but I know that he is worth the wait.

My heart aches for him but it does not hurt; it pines, but not with sadness.

He is such a fierce protector, nurturer and carer that he thinks we should say goodbye…..out of fear that his lack of presence hurts me too much – it kills him to think that I hurt.

But I don’t hurt from his lack of presence or response.

Such a statement of his makes my heart swell even more.

Some may call me naive, foolish or accuse me of wearing rose-coloured glasses – but this? This, I feel in my bones.

Magenta: My truth is that I would like to see you this year – whether it is November or any other time.  But I am conscious of your fucking hell & health.  No expectations or obligations, but that is my truth.

Master: Morning M, I’ll make sure we catch up when you are in town but I think it’s best we agree that should be our goodbye.  Whilst I know you are happy with presence, it kills me knowing that you send ten messages to my one.  With every non-response, I know it hurts you, and I don’t want to hurt you anymore.

Magenta: I’m sorry it kills you but that is you – it doesn’t kill me.  Don’t let something that isn’t true kill you.  You don’t hurt me – I know my choices, I moved on from such a while ago.  You can choose to walk away if you wish, if that is your truth, but I choose to stay.   I’m no crazybitch but I will be here. I’m happy to own my choice.

Master: 😘