Breathless

Do you know?
That you still render me so?
I don’t know what it is.
Or why.
But I’d like to find out.

Will you let me?

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Please don’t go

Since our most recent spate of sporadic messaging, things have been more subdued with TheMaster……no doubt due to the craziness of our individual versions of “fucking hell” that we are both working through – not only with the ending of our respective marriages but our wider lives too.

The quietness hasn’t really bothered me at all as I truly appreciate how difficult things must be right now, as my reality has been similar but different.

However, my soul yearns for a wonderful man, who can’t be in my life right now – but I know that he is worth the wait.

My heart aches for him but it does not hurt; it pines, but not with sadness.

He is such a fierce protector, nurturer and carer that he thinks we should say goodbye…..out of fear that his lack of presence hurts me too much – it kills him to think that I hurt.

But I don’t hurt from his lack of presence or response.

Such a statement of his makes my heart swell even more.

Some may call me naive, foolish or accuse me of wearing rose-coloured glasses – but this? This, I feel in my bones.

Magenta: My truth is that I would like to see you this year – whether it is November or any other time.  But I am conscious of your fucking hell & health.  No expectations or obligations, but that is my truth.

Master: Morning M, I’ll make sure we catch up when you are in town but I think it’s best we agree that should be our goodbye.  Whilst I know you are happy with presence, it kills me knowing that you send ten messages to my one.  With every non-response, I know it hurts you, and I don’t want to hurt you anymore.

Magenta: I’m sorry it kills you but that is you – it doesn’t kill me.  Don’t let something that isn’t true kill you.  You don’t hurt me – I know my choices, I moved on from such a while ago.  You can choose to walk away if you wish, if that is your truth, but I choose to stay.   I’m no crazybitch but I will be here. I’m happy to own my choice.

Master: 😘

 

Feed me, feast on me

A couple of recent conversations with TheMaster…..goddamn he speaks my language so well.  Things are rather crazy for both of us at the moment and we likely won’t see each other until November.  I, for one, cannot wait. I know it will be beyond amazing.

[late evening message]
Master: So, I didn’t get to keep the photos you sent yesterday….care to re-share?

[early morning reply]
Magenta: {sent image}

[instantaneous response]

Master: Stunning

Magenta: {sent another image}

Master: Your legs are fucking yum. Could lick them to your pussy with ease

Magenta: Good morning lol

Master: Morning. Just in gym.

Magenta: Here’s something for post gym {sent image of me bent over, a fave shot of his}

Master: Fucking erection creating yum!

Magenta: Shame I can’t sort that out. I’m starving too.

Master: I bet you are. No play?

Magenta: No play.  Considered it but don’t want sub-par.  The junk food variety leaves you feeling just like actual junk food – grubby and undernourished.  Gourmet is worth the wait, even if it is November.

Master: 😜

******************

Magenta: It’s warm here today, finally.  I’m in the red version of the scoop back dress you’ve seen a pic of. With a scarf to make it more corporate lol. So here’s a daydream for your Friday afternoon:

Yes, I’m sure you would love to drop to your knees with me in this dress. Then get up, bend me over, fuck me good & proper.  Use my scarf if you wish.  After that, I will lose my dress, scarf used appropriately & on my knees.  Be fed & feast on you. Come on face if you wish. Clean me up (scarf is handy like that). Dress back on (minus the scarf, maybe even commando).  Yes, the girls like this dress too. Go out, pick up someone to join us. Do it all again.  😈
Happy Friday, Sir.

Master: 😁😁😁

Silence is Golden

A conversation with TheMaster…

Master:
I’m sorry for being rude, it’s not intended. I’m just kinda struggling with a whole lot of things and find that when I’d normally text or talk with you is a time that I crave silence. It’s not just you that I’ve been rude to, whilst that is still not acceptable, I just want you to know it’s not you, it is me and my world of “fucking hell”.
I’m ok, just trying to put a 20,000 piece puzzle together in poor light!

Magenta:
Hey! I’m not finding you rude, but thank you for the acknowledgement of what could be seen as ignorance or similar.
You taught me about silence. Well, I mean I finally “got it” about presence & silence because of you, so I totally get it. 

Glad to know you’re ok, please do look after yourself.

Love the analogy & I get it. 

My bandaid is completely off & I’m learning more and more to let go of expectation. I wasn’t expecting the magnitude of exhaustion and I’m sure there’s more to come. 

Silence is needed to hear yourself, listen to your soul without the noise of your mind. Cos your soul is where your truth exists. I get that. It’s the most important – well for me it is, after realising my mind has been ruling for far too long. Take your silence to hear yourself, it’s incredibly important now more than ever.

A reminder to be objective

“An objective perspective is one that is not influenced by emotions, opinions, or personal feelings – it is a perspective based in fact, in things quantifiable and measurable.

A subjective perspective is one open to greater interpretation based on personal feeling, emotion, aesthetics, etc.”

TheMaster & I had a couple of nice conversations this week.

It was really lovely to chat rather than text – whilst we understand each other fine via text, talking with him feels really comfortable. Gosh I talk way too much and I do feel like I need to be a better listener (how do you get people to talk?!).

I love the way TheMaster listens and challenges me, always in a respectful and gentle (sometimes playful) manner.  It was uncanny that, during one of our conversations, he reinforced a lesson I’d been reminded of at work during the week by my boss – a reminder in letting go of things that don’t matter.

We chatted about what we’d been up to and he spoke of his weekend visit to my hometown, which I posted about when questioning mindfuckery. His trip had been to take his sons to a sports match that was on in my town, so quite understandable that there was zero chance of saying hi and I’m sure he didn’t even think I would be annoyed at his casual mention of having been here.

Being more objective is definitely something that has been a big learning for me in recent years. Having been raised in such turbulence with constant fight or flight situations, I am typically quick to interpret and react – as this was a need to keep me safe growing up. This ingrained behaviour doesn’t serve me as well in adulthood.

With my recent learnings in letting go and practicing non-attachment, I was definitely less shitty than I might have been in the past but it was good to have the reminder to be objective!

Mind-fuckery?

Since TheMaster revealed his marital woes to me four-weeks ago, I have been conscious of honouring myself and taking time for my own space as well as just letting him be.

In that time, we’ve had a couple of very sporadic chats including one that resulted in him over-reacting which he apologised for the next evening.  It was after he made a seemingly off-the-cuff comment of  “You have quite a strong feeling for me, don’t you“, to which I replied “You’re asking me this via text??“.  TheMaster later responded “Never mind”, to which I said “Why never mind?“.  I was annoyed by this exchange and shared my annoyance with a friend who retorted that he was being ‘a twat’.

Being that he called himself ‘an arse’ not that long ago, in recognition of his occasional arse-like ways, I didn’t think it would be an issue to share with him that my friend had called him a twat.  Long story short, he got quite shitty about being called a twat and mouthed off incessantly (all via Messenger text) – which I recognised as something deeper going on for him so I just let him be. In apologising for his over-reaction the next evening, he confirmed that he wasn’t okay but wasn’t up for talking.  In respecting that, I asked him to let me know he was okay sometime as I do worry about him – to which he responded with a ‘thumbs up’ emoji.

A few days later I sent him a note checking in, I inquired if he had been enjoying the book I’d sent him and asked if he had time to chat but he replied saying he needed head space.  I completely understood and respected this, and left him be once again. This was one week ago.

Yesterday, TheMaster sent me a message commenting that  “Well, that was a fucking cold weekend!” to which I responded quizzingly (as where he lives is quite warm compared to my hometown).  He later replied that he had been in my hometown over the weekend. Just a simple statement, just like that.

I don’t quite know what his intention was by telling me this in such a way.  I get that we all perceive things differently to others and perhaps my interpretation was not what he intended.

Was it to display his lack of care for me? Or perhaps he simply didn’t think it would affect me to tell me – after the fact  – that he had been in my hometown for the weekend? Trying to bring me down from my acknowledgement of having strong feelings for him?

Well whatever his intention was, I will acknowledge that it hurt a little. Despite being calm in my response, replying,”I see. Well, yes it was great fucking weather” (that was a literal ‘fucking’ by the way – TheMaster and I often speak of ‘fucking weather’ in jest), I will admit it hurt to know he had been so close but didn’t want to let me know nor try to even see me to say hi.  I get that perhaps he couldn’t say hi due to whatever circumstances, but such actions seem to speak volumes to me – although that is my view at present, which I am happy to be challenged on.

Such events reinforce to me that I need to continue honouring myself, my truth – do things that are true for me and are not influenced by others.

So, on that note…..standby whilst I continue to balance my throat chakra and prepare to open the gate….