Cocoons, masks and skins are shedding….slowly but surely.
Letting go of the past. Being present to what is.
Gratitude for the lessons. For life. For love. For loss.
I am grateful for my many blessings – strength, courage, will. I am grateful for all of the friends I have made. And I am grateful to be me.
I am where I need to be.
So it is Easter. A quarter through the year.
Over six months separated from Husband.
Two months since news from TheMaster rendered me devastated and confused.
A few bouts of illness on my part. As well as dealing with other personal family matters.
Many minxy adventures scattered in between.
The continuing effects of all of these things have made me beyond exhausted. I haven’t been sleeping well and despite getting back on track at the start of the year, I haven’t been eating well.
And I have been doing too much in general.
So I have decided to have a break. I quit my job. And in the very near future I will be leaving on a jet plane. To park my butt on the beach, sand between my toes without a care in the world.
I’m not sure how much I’ll be around to get updates finished prior to then but I will be most definitely catching up on things once I take pause.
And I cannot wait!
After writing my last post, I had some further thoughts on my grief.
I am sorry for so very much that led me to leaving my marriage, but I know that despite there being so SO much to lose by leaving….I could not continue knowing that I was not being authentically me – and that I felt unable to be me.
Even though I have always been known for being chatty, the environment that I grew up in unfortunately did not prepare me well for emotional conversations, nor did I get good examples of how to relate to others in such ways. I would even go as far as saying that I very much raised myself from a young age.
Silence was my safety; I could not get hurt if I stayed silent. Thus this became my maladapted behaviour when my safety was threatened in any way.
I recognise that my grief also comes from the failings I perceive….from how I wish I was from the beginning of my relationship with husband – that I wish I could have been more me. However, I wouldn’t be the person I am today had that have been the case.
I am very grateful for all that I have experienced – the good, the bad and the ugly – for it makes me who I am today. But I am also saddened that my marriage is another victim of the failings of my family of origin. I know that there is more to it than just that and I most certainly do not solely place the blame on my lack of upbringing, but it saddens me nonetheless.
I also grieve that the failings of me caused me not to know my husband more. But he is not an easy man to know.
In many ways, husband was what I needed at the time that we courted and married. But, that no longer serves me – and that is okay.
The enormity of the grief was unexpected. The exhaustion too. So much exhaustion.
Whilst I have had extended family members pass away and have been in the presence of grief before, I have most certainly never felt such grief – like what I imagine it to be – before now.
Grief hits at unexpected moments, a memory or thought of things we’d planned. Or doing something that I used to do for him…….wondering who is going to do that for him now. Sometimes even looking at pictures of us can be difficult, not always, but on some days it is.
The grief has surprised me as I made peace with my decision a few months ago and it has been something I deeply pondered for longer. My decision is also something that I have felt strong intuition about. The more I listened to myself and allowed me to hear myself, the more it felt right for me.
I have been praised for my bravery and courage in making such a decision, as well as following through and acting on it. It certainly wasn’t an easy decision to make at all. Some people have definitely been shocked by the news, which was to be expected.
It seems to be when chatting with those whose opinions I value, who are shocked that have sometimes made me question myself. And I do know that nothing is black and white in this world.
But I also know what I want – and as much as it hurts at times, what I want are things that husband never was nor could be.
And the really uncomfortable shit? Well that’s the stuff we need to invite in for a goddamn drink so we can get to the bottom of it once and for all.
– via Kate Rose
I’ve blogged about finding acceptance and inner peace recently, as well as in an earlier post or two.
The words of Kate Rose really say things for me much more powerfully, and more succinctly, than I have been able to.
In order to find my true answers, I must make peace with who I am.
I must heal myself.
And discover myself.
Not the self who I think others expect me to be; not the self who must be a certain way to stay safe; not the self who must conform to avoid harm or negative emotions.
The self that I am is all kinds of things to all kinds of people. Sometimes I am right, sometimes I am wrong.
But I am human.
And considering where I came from, I’m pretty fucking proud of myself.
There is absolutely no right or wrong, nor good or bad.
I can choose to accept and make peace with my perception of the way that husband loves me and the way that he participates in our life together; or I can ask for more, set out my needs and expectations.
I am worthy of more. And so is he.