On love

I’ve recently discovered an amazing writer and came across this description of love that he had written, which really resonated with me:

I completely agree that hate is best broken down by spreading more love.

I love the first line of the above paragraph:

Love is that feeling where great desire mixes with a deep connection of belonging and acceptance.

I have been contemplating whether it is possible to truly know whether you really feel love for someone (as opposed to lust or idealised infatuation) when you don’t know them very well, and I think the above really helps clarify that for me.

A “deep connection of belonging and acceptance”, in my eyes, can be summed up by a feeling of somewhere or someone who feels like home.

As someone who grew up without ever truly identifying with a place or person that felt “like home” until I was an adult, I do believe I can honestly say that my feelings of “home” aren’t laced with memories and child-like wonder.

For me, home is where the heart is.

When you quieten your mind and surrender to the silence, what do you feel? What does your soul tell you?

When your energy flows freely and you have balanced chi, what answers are unveiled?

When you connect with someone who feels like “home” (where you belong and feel accepted), whether that connection is platonic or romantic, why is there so much fear in showing love? In giving love? In spreading love?

Although I guess the fear isn’t in the actions, but in labeling such actions vocally as love.

If we desire to quash the spread of hate in the world, why be so quiet about love?

I do genuinely ask this, as I continue to heal and ponder my future romantic love – as someone with virtually zero relationship experience apart from my marriage. If you truly feel love in your bones, in your soul, in the very essence of your being…..if you are able to give your love freely, without expectation of it being returned….if your giving of love doesn’t have conditions (….because they love me……because they put me up on a pedestal..) then why not shout your love from the rooftops, so to speak?

If your love makes someone uneasy or afraid, then they are not ready for your love.

Sure it may hurt that your love is not returned, but you just need to love yourself harder.

Keep filling our own cup.  Nourishing yourself. Loving yourself.

Because your vibe attracts your tribe – and when you are shining so luminously, you will also become a beacon, brightening the world…..spreading light….

And with so much light, it’s much harder for the dark to set in.

Shine brightly, my friends x

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Synchronicity & serendipity

Since deciding to step out of my pretty little garden and knock the hinges off the gate, I have experienced SO much synchronicity – which at times has been as comforting as it has been heartbreaking in the moment.

One example of such synchronicity, was hearing two different versions of the song Landslide which I posted earlier this year, whilst driving home one night recently.

At the time that I posted Landslide with the simple title, it spoke to me in a different way than what it has more recently.  Back then it was more that yes, I was afraid of changing because I had always seen my life a certain way.

More recently, I’ve realised extra meanings of this song (by my interpretation). This verse in particular speaks volumes to me about self-love and speaking your truth

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Can the child within my heart rise above? – This speaks to me about being who you truly are….what does your soul say? What ignites your spirit? Who are you when you peel back the masks and unveil? When you sink into your heart space?

My answer is a resounding YES.

Yes, I love you but I love me more.
Yes, the child within my heart can rise above.
Yes, I can sail through the changing ocean tides
Yes, I CAN handle the seasons of my life.

 

Shortly after, in the same car trip home, I heard this:

Nobody said it was easy
It’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh, take me back to the start

This track definitely aided a few tears from me. It is absolutely fucking hard. Not an easy choice for anyone. Yes it takes courage, I do wish I could go back to the start but at the same time I wouldn’t be where I am today if things hadn’t happened exactly how they did…..

I do hope to post soon about what stepping out my garden has entailed, but there is a lot to juggle at present.

I have been blessed by so much love and support – grateful to realise how many amazing friends I have, when I’d always thought I didn’t have many at all.

What Katy did next

Oh Kate Rose…..how I love your prose!

I have professed my love of this writer’s way with words a few times before – so much of what she writes truly resonates with me.

I just read one of her latest articles today and it articulates much of what I have come to feel is true for me recently.

I have come to realise that whilst I do love Husband and we have created some amazing memories together…….I believe that I fell in love with him out of ‘ego’ – very much with my head. Sure, there was an element of heart there and there is certainly much that I admire and love about him still……but it’s never been a soulful love.  The paragraph I’ve highlighted below very much resonates with my recent realisations.

The whole article is definitely worth reading…..the words truly speak to my soul.

Of all the “logical” things in this world—love isn’t one of them.

It’s been said that we never love in the same way twice. While that’s true because each person is different and so is the way in which we care about them, what it boils down to is: Do we love them with our head or with our heart?

This isn’t an issue of one way being preferable over another, but there are differences in authenticity, longevity, and depth that each just naturally exudes.

It seems that for many of us our first—or first few—loves are based more in our heads than our hearts. It’s not to say that we don’t actually feel genuine love for them, but it’s usually a logical love, even if it is profound.

For many of us, as we age we don’t really grow up, but rather grow out of the boxes that we either were placed in as children or placed ourselves in to conform. When we’re young and not yet developed into our authentic selves, we tend to believe that love is a choice of convenience and reason.

We chose partners based on what we felt we wanted or needed, and to help fulfill the role that we believed we had to live up to in society—and perhaps we even felt that we were happy.

It’s a love that makes sense, that doesn’t challenge our place in the world, and through our decisions, we fulfill the roles that we feel compelled to.

Loving with our head may even be satisfying—but it’s not soul-enriching.

Very often, we will believe ourselves to be content because our ego is comfortable in that love. It knows what to expect, and it feels good because others approve of our path and the partner that we have chosen to stand with in this life.

Our hearts tend to grow into love with someone who will help us question our own lives and belief systems—the type of person who will, through our own experiences with them, help propel us further along our own paths of self-development…..

Truth seeker

Wow.

I just came across this verse that I absolutely loved as a child. I may have been a tween. I remember having it written out somewhere and I loved reading it……but somewhere along the way I had totally forgotten about it.

….I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself

7febc361c510abc6dd4234e6ffed9e85Somewhere….in between seeking comfort and safety from the trauma I was raised in, I feel like I perhaps lost myself. All of my maladapted behaviours made me fearful of speaking my truth, hearing my truth, being my truth.

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I think I am well on my way to finding it again….now to have the courage to speak it and let it out…

Dear Me – the caterpillar

Following on from my previous post, this letter is from my future self…..setting intentions with the new moon.

**I originally wrote this letter to Magenta, but realised that Magenta will not exist in my future. Magenta is only a stepping stone on the path to creating Me.

 

Write a repair letter, a love letter, or a gratitude letter to a past/present/future version of you, to others who have shaped and deeply impacted your life, or to those you have unfinished business with. You know the letter I speak of—it is the one you carry in your heart, that writes itself in those “in-between” moments, the one that you would write if only you were brave and honest enough. – via Elephant Journal

Dear 2017 Me  – the caterpillar,

I know that you have been working a lot on yourself over the last few years, which has definitely reached a peak at present.  

I know that you still have much uncertainty, that you still hold on to fear, anxiety, have a lack of trust in yourself and undervalue yourself a lot.  Despite moments of knowing you are pretty fucking awesome…..let’s be honest, babe….. in many instances – you still think of yourself as a fraud.  

Well, I can tell you now that I’m really laughing on reflection, cos WOW – you truly do rock the casbah!  

Babe, you are truly making a difference in the work that you do here now.  I wish you knew all the amazing things that you are going to go on to do and achieve – all the lives you are going to change for the better.  

All the work that you are doing on your instincts, trusting yourself, knowing your intuition – keep working on that Third Eye Chakra hon. And your Root Chakra too. Everything will be okay.

Have courage. Release your fears. I am proof that you will be okay….I know it can be hard to see at times….I can see now that you were a caterpillar and here I am, the butterfly. 

Keep practising presence and acceptance – for both the good and the bad. Everyone does things they think are bad and everyone has thoughts they think are bad – you are a good person.  Remember to practice self-soothing when you want to beat yourself up, don’t rationalise your thoughts.  You will get better at this.

You will also get better at creating your reality – because you have had so many lessons in this.  This is second nature to you now, you intrinsically know that whatever happens, you always have a choice.  

A choice of how you interpret things.  A choice in how you react. 

Always choose with good intentions. Seek the good.  Be the good.  Know that it is there and you will find it. The world always needs more love, sprinkle that shit everywhere.  

I am so grateful that you hung in there, girl!  Fighting the good fight, searching, questioning, forever curious.  Babe, you know you are truly magical.  You may still be questioning it, but where I am now – pffffft, don’t question it, just believe it.

I was there all along, you didn’t have to find me…..you needed to break out of your cocoon and UNVEIL me. 

And in unveiling me, you found what you were looking for all along but couldn’t find. That’s because I couldn’t be found – you had to go through everything as part of my metamorphis  – what an epic achievement!

I love you – you are amazing!

Love, light and laughter (always laughter!),

The Butterfly, future Me