The lover/partner I seek

…..wherever you are, whoever you may be, I hope we find each other ❤

I want you to be a fuck yes. To laugh with me, laugh at me, make me laugh and enjoy my laughter.

I want you to have a beautiful smile, with eyes that light up. I want you to have a warm embracing hug; and a soft, delicate touch but also to grab me cheekily when appropriate.  I want you to be as cheeky as I am and to understand my cheekiness. I want you to enjoy similar music – and enjoy a sexy playlist to groove to for sexy times.

I want to feel naturally compelled to compliment you – how you are, the way you dress, your natural scent, how attractive you are to me, your kind nature and amazing mind. I want you to be beautiful and sexy and handsome and cute.

I want you to enjoy the different sides of me – various ways I like to dress. I want you to enjoy me dressing up – as much for me as it is for you. I want you to compliment me more than your friends or family; and more than my friends or family. I want to see it in your eyes and on your face – you checking me out, devouring me with your eyes.  I want others to notice how you look at me. I want you to call me sexy and cute and beautiful and hot. I want you to think that I am a spunk – whatever your version of that is.

I want you to see my smarts and caring nature and kindness too. I want you to adore my body and my crazy mind. I want you to reply to others when they comment on you being lucky to have me in your life. And I want to be able to reply how lucky I am too.

I want you to want to explore the world with me – adventures both near and far. I want you to explore my world, study it, learn about where I came from and what makes me me. I want you to know me. I want you to care to call me out on my bullshit. To make me question whether I am holding true to my values. I want to know your world, what it’s made of, what you value, what makes you excited like a kid at Christmas. I want to know what you wanted to be when you were little. I want to know what gets you out of bed or keeps you awake until way past your bed time.

I want you to know how to care and nurture – to be able to, and want to, take care of me when I am unwell. I want you to be thoughtful – to think of and notice the little details. Things that I like and enjoy. Things that get my attention.

I want you to ask me if I’ve eaten – do I need dinner or lunch or coffee? I want you to care about health and wellness – about eating well and good.  I want you to care about what may or may not be in your food. I want you to understand how food affects how you feel and perform and affects your health. But back on thoughtfulness, I want you to be uber thoughtful – to want to offer that level of support to me; to think of things that will help me, make me smile. To set up a disco in the lounge when I want to go out dancing but can’t. I want you to know that I would 100% love something hand made and thoughtful – just for me – over anything you can buy in a store any day of the week.

I want you to spoil me with affection and attention. I want you to enjoy affection as much as I do. I want you to enjoy play world or be open to exploring play world with me. I want to be able to talk about intimate matters and sex with you comfortably and openly.  I want you to love to talk about anything and everything with me – all the weird, whacky and wonderful. I want you to prefer talking with me or learning new things or reading over watching mindless TV, although happily indulging in the odd mindless TV binge on occasion. I want you to be interested in personalities, people, how people communicate and what makes them tick. I want you to be interested in or understanding and accepting of “woo woo”.

I want you to share my love of Latino music and interest in learning Latin dance. Or any style of dance. I want you to understand my love of fitness and weight training and the struggle to stay consistent.  I’d love for you to enjoy weight training or some sort of fitness pursuit.

I want you to have a good level of emotional intelligence and to strive to be better at EQ, alongside me.  I want you to be interested in personal development, mindset and growth.  I want you to be curious and kind. I want you to be aware of hunting your demons and darkness, despite how scary that can be.  I want you to understand that the only way out is through. The light is only at the end of the tunnel – you must get through it to find the light.

I want you to tell me what you want, without expectation. I want to be able to tell you what I want – even the stuff you struggle to understand. I want you to want to understand. And I want to understand your wants and desires too. I want to remember that you can’t read my mind, but you yearn to understand me as much as I yearn to understand you.

I want you to enjoy lying out under the stars with me. Gazing at the night sky and infinite possibilities. I want you to enjoy savouring the beauty of nature with me, finding beauty and gratitude in every day.

I want you to be grateful for finding me and I want to be grateful for finding you.

Presence & Patience

…..continuing on with more music & lyrics, because patience has been on my mind of late – as well as being present (in the now, not over thinking, not living in the future or in the past) and this track came on.

This track was on a Spotify playlist of upbeat songs, I love the boppy melody but I love the meaningful lyrics too.

I certainly don’t need love to ease my mind right now – I very much want to ease my mind on my own, but these particular lyrics very much spoke to me as I go on my very first ‘pre-date’ coffee next week. Gosh, saying that makes my heart skip a beat.

I am very fond of this person (ok I have a HUGE crush), but I am conscious of being present without over thinking (we both acknowledge over thinking in life in general – not in relation to ‘us’. Acknowledgment of potential for an ‘us’ only happened in the last few days).  So, this ‘non-date’ coffee is to check in on the energy we both acknowledge. If anything progresses it will be nice and slow as there are quite a few obstacles to a traditional dating process – one being we live quite far apart. Anyway, there goes me lacking presence again!

My mama said, “you can’t hurry love
No, you’ll just have to wait”
She said, “love don’t come easy
But it’s a game of give and take”
You can’t hurry love
No, you’ll just have to wait
Just trust in a good time
No matter how long it takes

Emerging

From hibernation.

Cocoons, masks and skins are shedding….slowly but surely.

Letting go of the past. Being present to what is.

Gratitude for the lessons. For life. For love. For loss.

I am grateful for my many blessings – strength, courage, will. I am grateful for all of the friends I have made. And I am grateful to be me.

I am where I need to be.

Exhausted at Easter

So it is Easter. A quarter through the year.

Over six months separated from Husband.

Two months since news from TheMaster rendered me devastated and confused.

A few bouts of illness on my part. As well as dealing with other personal family matters.

Many minxy adventures scattered in between.

The continuing effects of all of these things have made me beyond exhausted. I haven’t been sleeping well and despite getting back on track at the start of the year, I haven’t been eating well.

And I have been doing too much in general.

So I have decided to have a break. I quit my job. And in the very near future I will be leaving on a jet plane. To park my butt on the beach, sand between my toes without a care in the world.

I’m not sure how much I’ll be around to get updates finished prior to then but I will be most definitely catching up on things once I take pause.

And I cannot wait!

…the beginning of the end

The saga of the ending with TheMaster is best told by sharing our email exchange. I do wish to dissect things to a point, as my way of learning and processing, but this certainly says a lot.

I decided to send him the note below after spending time over the holidays with good friends and their darling children…… I realised that I should take a step back from contacting TheMaster as he was in the midst of fighting for custody of his own and I couldn’t imagine having to deal with that on top of everything else that comes with leaving your marriage…..having to set up home for more than just yourself, and all the rest of it.

Hi,
I just wanted to send you a note to set out my position…..because I like being clear, without ambiguity, although I know things aren’t static, nor black and white. I don’t like to assume but I also don’t want to ask anything of you right now – not out of a lack of respect for myself, but out of respect for both of our situations and current headspace loads.
My position is simple – I would like to know you. I would like you in my life. I have enjoyed many things in the time that I have known the little that I know of you.

I only wish to ask to be given the opportunity to make my own decision in requesting to know you and to be able to make my own mind up if I do wish to know you more – no comments of there being better around or things like that. My choice is still to request to know you more, whenever that time may come.

As you know, I am not ‘twiddling my thumbs‘ waiting around for the right moment. And I am certainly not ready to be dating any time soon. But when that time comes, I want to have clarity on knowing where I stand with you.

I don’t want to ‘go away’ but I feel that I should for the time being, please correct me if I am wrong…….but I really don’t want to be adding to any extra crap in your life right now.

Spending time with my girlfriend’s children on the weekend gave me added respect for you and your situation….the courage it took to make your choice that you did. I know that the typical societal view is to berate someone in your position but I find it inspiring and commanding of much respect….pursuing authenticity, truth and fulfillment. My nephews are amazing but I can’t imagine having to do that solo, let alone more than two. And on top of everything else.

I know I have found separating more challenging than I had anticipated and, whilst I have had plenty of added shit in my life, I can’t even imagine how suckful your journey has been.

If you do not wish to know me, please just say so. I am honestly good either way. One thing I know for certain is that I am never going to coerce anything in the future that isn’t a natural ‘fuck yes’, to quote a good Mark Manson article. You are clearly a fuck yes to many and most definitely a fuck yes for me.

If you’re not a fuck yes to knowing me, I am totally fine with that. But, if that is the case, I would like to be able to say goodbye.

I certainly don’t expect or need an essay reply, a simple fuck yes will suffice…..and yes I will be quieter perhaps, although I’m not saying ball is in your court. But if I’m not a fuck yes, please give consideration to when a goodbye can be had.